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Wow! Just realised my spouse is an NPD woman

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

** Please do not post replies in this forum. This forum is for Dr. Vaknin ONLY to answer questions. Any general discussion posts WILL be deleted without warning.**

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Wow! Just realised my spouse is an NPD woman

Postby Eowan » Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:44 am

First off all:
Dr Sam Vaknin - You may just have saved my life.
I am eternally grateful. Thank You!

I have since five years been in a relation with a woman which i regard as being my life match.
And convinced i am the same for her.

At first i didn't notice anything being wrong. Everything was sunshine, and us two together was like 1+1=888 fantastic.

She told me from the start about her ex spouse and his abusive behaviour, including downsetting comments about her looks and how she dressed, as well as his alcoholism and at the end the physical abuse, and that it ended with her fighting him off when he tried to strangle her. She then left him immediately.

I saw the scars she had, and i found good satisfaction in supporting her and slowly, slowly working for the scars to mend.

And after about four and a half years most of her issues, like raging nightmares, or hypersensitivity to touch when she was sleeping, where almost dissipated.

At the same time i had deteriorated through the years. Couldn't put my finger on it. Was it just plain bad luck? Or was it something i did to become less and less successful in my trade? Whatever i did, by some reason i did not come to goal with my objectives. This baffled me, since i am a very strong person, and has been quite successful in most of my doing. In talking to her, the response was it was probably my own doing, and she resented me when i said i could not put my finger on what was the problem, and maybe i was "cursed"?

So recently i hit rock bottom, (i thought), and sort of lost the spark. Big, big problems with getting sleep. And depressive thought seeping in all the time. I was on autopilot. Just went along because i feel obligated to do my obligations. Being the spouse, the son, the brother, the friend, the professional. Then, in about one and a half month she first started to despise me, then going to hating me and avoiding me. Then suddenly she broke contact with all her long time friends, (even her childhood best friend), and she quit her job and closed her side business down. She abandoned her lifelong interests. Then the told me i wasn't doing anything for her any longer, and that she was leaving me. Then she left home without telling me where she had gone. She started a new job, gathered a bunch of "new" friends, and got accommodated at their homes, one after the other, i guess for as long as they let her stay there. After some weeks the suddenly turned up at home. She was completely changed in looks and behaviour. Going between frantic aggression to reclusive bawling sadness. I realised she must have burnt up all the possible accommodation alternatives, so i let her have the bedroom as "her hideout" while i slept on the couch. Just not to complicate her life right now.

I found her completely changed, and could not see how and why.

At the same time all this happened, i got into a lifethreatening situation. And didn't understand why at first. Some friends told me about things they've heard or seen, and thought was odd, and luckily i put two and two together and after that i found out that she had been manouvering things behind my back. Blatantly lying without no remorse about how it would affect me.

After disarming the threats to my person i got to think. I started to suspect there was something bad going on with her.
I started to recapture the recent years and testing different scenarios, and came to the binary conclusion that: A) She was deliberately, or under coersion plotting against me since we met, or B) She was not mentally well.

Having some basic education about psychology, and a personal interest in motivational psychology, i started to characterize her personality.
I went through psychopathy and all the other before i got to Narcissism. Narcissism was my weak spot since i didn't fully understand that. I was read up about Narcissus, falling in love with oneself and egoism. (I think this is a rather common misunderstanding about Narcissism).

I tried to find as much as possible information about N, going through my books, looking on the internet, when i stumbled upon: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html
I got too watch Sams lectures on youtube, and after maticulously sifted through about a houndred videos i realized i got a perfect match. She has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and i am on her discard list.

In all my sorrow, fear, depression and apathy i found out what had been the big problem in my life the last five years.
When i realised this, i got goosebumps all over, and a warm feeling came though my body.

Quickly i read up on how to interact with an NPD to avoid danger.
When she came home after being away for some week i tested to avoid giving any feedback, and within an hour she changed from being malicious to being rather calm and recessive.

After that i have sought advice from professionals, and also confirmation of my findings.
And i will take counceling to handle my trauma. I can feel it in my body. Like oil in my veins.

Now to the questions:
I realize that it isn't likely, nor advisable to continue the relation. But still after all this, i am certain about my love for the girl inside, and i want to at least help her to accept her condition and for her to seek professional help. It is not only I that is dependent upon her well being. Parents, siblings, friends and our pets who adore her.
And, i think her NPD comes from her previous relation with an abusive Narcissist, and that it may yet be time to revert the worst of the condition.

Is it still possible to revert her at least partially from completely turning into a fully fledged NPD?

Is it then possible for me to learn more about NPD and reassess if it is still possible for me to have relations with her? Yes, she gaslighted me and all that. But is it possible for me to communicate to her that i accept and understand what happened, but will not tolerate it further?
It is possible to have a tiger as a pet in its cage. Isn't it possible to achieve the same with an NPD partner? (Except the cage be replaced by knowledge, a self aware NPD and a clear set of rules).

How do i get her to seek help? Any pointers are deeply appreciated.

And again: Thank You Sam Vaknin!
Eowan
member
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:39 am

 

Re: Wow! Just realised my spouse is an NPD woman

Postby samvaknin » Mon Feb 17, 2014 4:25 pm

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://vaksam.tripod.com/1.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faqpd.html

Healing and Curing Narcissism

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq63.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq77.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq70.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq12.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/10.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/case03.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/faq31.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders37.html

http://vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders45.html

Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5458

Support groups for victims of narcissists and psychopaths (and one or two groups for narcissists)

http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Di ... rt_Groups/

Click on these links for detailed topic guides - everything you ever wanted
to know about narcissists and psychopaths:

============================================
Toxic Relationships with Malignant Narcissists and Psychopaths
============================================
How to Recognize a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date, Before It
is Too Late?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4976

Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5013

Narcissists, psychopaths, ***, and marital fidelity

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4920

Narcissistic and Psychopathic Parents and Their Children

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4727

Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5002

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5000

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4959

I miss him so much - I want him back!

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4934

Guilt? What guilt?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4931

How Victims are Pathologized and re-abused by the System

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5068

============================
The Narcissist and Psychopath in Society
============================
The Narcissist and Psychopath as Criminals

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5003

The Narcissist is Above the Law

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4983

The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4951

============================================
Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality disorder and Psychopathy
============================================
Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity
Disorder)?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4950

Narcissists as Drama Queens

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4948

The Narcissist as Know-it-all

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4945

The Narcissist as VAMPIRE or MACHINE

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4944

Narcissists and Psychopaths Devalue Their Psychotherapists

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4939

Violent, Vindictive, Sadistic, and Psychopathic Narcissists

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4938

Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5048

Grandiosity, Fantasies, and Narcissism

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4923

Narcissists and Emotions

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5248

Narcissists and Mood Disorders

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5067

Take care there!

Sam

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings

http://www.youtube.com/vakninsays

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books or 3 video DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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