Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

rebuilding · Joined: 07 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

keepingseperate,
go to your daughters game on Friday and support her. When you see the OW have pity for her, because shes no getting the prize she thinks shes getting....she's only another vitim. My exN has had 3 OW since he left us. The first OW was the 21 yr old that he left us for. He devalued and discarded her less than a year later. She was so distraught that she commited suicide by shooting herself in the head in their bed. The next day he bought a new mattress cleaned the walls and came and picked up our kids the next day for the weekend. He is planning on marrying the 3rd OW in July.I fear for her mental well being because I know the kind of mind games that will be coming her way. I still am not able to be in their presence because I do not know how I am likely to react. My head still spins when I think about all the things he has done to me our children.

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 807

I can think of several reasons why they want us to 'be friends'.

* They want to maintain control.

* They know they have done us wrong but if we choose or agree to 'be/ remain friends' we then in essence 'vindicate' them from any wrong doing,("Would she still be my friend if I was really that bad?"), which of course they can at some stage use against us as well.

* "Friendship" denotes we would still have some tie with/to them. It would make us available for continued NS, assitance, support etc because 'that's what friends do'.

* It makes them look good in the eyes of others, especially new conquests.

* If they owe us money for example, they hope by promoting the 'friendship' angle we'll 'stay off their backs' or if divorce in picture, we'll be more ammentive to manipulation and accomodating of what they want.

* They do on some level personally recognise and fear the consequences of their actions and irresponsibilty if we chose to 'get nasty'. Whomever first said, "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" was probably a narcissist.

As I responded to XN when he said, "I hope we can remain friends":

"If you were a friend, you wouldn't have treated me the way you did while we were together. If you were a friend, we'd still be together. If you were a friend you would fulfil your obligations and responsibilities and make genuine ammends. If you were a friend everything wouldn't always be about you. If you / had been a genuine friend, I'd still want to be your friend too.
I very sadly know now you're not a friend, never were or ever truly could be.
A genuine lover, partner, friend does not use and abuse in the way you did. I don't know what you think the basis is for a 'friendship' between us is after all is said and done now, but I certainly feel there is none."

Grieving8484 · Joined: 10 Mar 2008 Posts: 56

My N did the same exact thing! The moment I didn't return his phone call he had his new "Wifey" as he dubbed her under a photo on his MySpace, as his new GF within a week after he told me over and over that he couldn't commit (I WAS THE ONE SAYING IT though, but with an N, they HAVE to be the one to do any rejecting whatsoever..he did the same thing when I told him I couldn't sleep with him anymore). He hated me for not begging him to be my boyfriend...I wasn't submissive enough for him..the moving on is all part of a narcissistic injury..they cannot handle rejection whatsoever!! And for the most part, it is a very temporary matter...they need something to feed off of until they either try coming back or the source gets boring or starts asking too many questions and becomes a "clingy nag". Do you realize how immature these vampires are?! I think that's what attracted me to him in the first place...the fun, entertainment he provided...they are losers and guess what?! We're doing what we're supposed to...taking things slow, taking time to think and breathe and know what we really want and deserve!!

HUGS TO YOU GIRL - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!

Grieving8484 · Joined: 10 Mar 2008 Posts: 56

By the way, if you are anything like me, the obsessed thinking will continue (I analyze and have analyzed everything to the point of madness...try writing all your thoughts down even if it looks like a big blob of nothing..it truly helps and it helps even more when you go and look back on it (you can never imagine the way your thought process was). Also, if you are going to obsess, think of the bad...the good was FAKE remember that!!!

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

the need is to remain in contact always hopeful you will spill some titbit they can use to mess with your life or engage in some other manipulation.. All knowledge to a narc is power. Cutting them off is like cutting off life blood. A narc needs to know what you are thinking before you even know yourself that way he/ she can be there just when you need them. And there was you thinking it was so intuitive of them or just coincidence.

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

Just Amazing! Do they ever fall flat on their face? People know something is "odd" "not right" "selfish" but no one really understands the truth! I did not realize until I BROKE AWAY how people don't think he is "all that".
All of your responses makes me wonder, if just going to the game, feeds him?? Even though I make sure I don't ever look at him, pretend to be happy, cheering team, talking to others. I realize it keeps me in the NFOG!
The mutual friend I sat with at last game, was told by XN "poor thing to have to sit with me for 2 hours". Of course, I want this person to stick up for me but it was ignored, like most people do..
Heck it took me 2 years to understand it all! Now I am still STUCK even with all my information....why would someone else stick up for me??

thank you all for your help!

I was reading today AGAIN! haha....I will keep this close to me..

HEAR IS WHAT I FOUND!
And everyone means even their own children. Narcissists are as unfeeling [i]toward whomever they abuse as you or I are toward a spike we are pounding with a sledgehammer. This is a hard truth to accept.

The good thing about accepting it is that there is no hating such a person. You can't hate what you can't relate to. You can no more hate a narcissist for being a narcissist than you can hate a snake for being a snake. You don't take it personally when a snake bites you. Don't take it personally when a narcissist does, either. It wasn't you. It wasn't anything you did. You were just there, that's all. Handy. [/i]

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

Rebuilding...
That is awful she committed suicide. So very scary how horrible this pain is.
I think about my daughter and being strong for her. I sure do understand that feeling of helplessness or never seeing an END!
Thank goodness I have to be strong for her because honestly some moments I cannot find anything left within (for ME)

rebuilding · Joined: 07 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

Milo,

You said that N's want to remain friends because, "It makes them look good in the eyes of others, especially new conquests" you are so right on, since my exN became engaged to his new victim he has been so extremely nice to me. A few months ago he told me that he thought that I had reached a point in our relationship that I could be trusting of him again. UMMM.... I dont think so! I told him I would never trust him again after all the cruel and evil things he had done to us. He then told me that that was my problem if that was the way I felt. My exN would love to be able to tell his fiance what a great relationship he has with his ex wife. I will never give him the satisfaction of that though.

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 807

Good for you Rebuilding. "Your problem"? LOL Far from it in my opinion! Shows how much 'healthier' and wiser you are now not falling for this sort of 'N claptrap' anymore Very Happy

.
Keep holding strong hun.
Best Wishes, Milo

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 409

One of our members on MSN N forum and she is also a member here has this link that would explain everything perfectly for you but she can't find it as of yet. So going to go on the fly here with it...

It goes something like this....to an N you are just an object...you are just a TOASTER.

When your toaster goes bad what do you do, you throw it away and buy a new one right?

Again you have to think of yourself as just an object to an N...you sereve a purpose to him...that purpose is NS and only NS

N's know no concept of friendship just what you can do for them. His reaching out to be your friend is just him saying..."Hey baby you can give me NS when I need it" Just like a toaster gives you toast when you are hungry.

Now the link doesn't say all this but is my spin on it...but will post the link when I can get it for you.

Hugs
Gabrielle
_________________

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 807

I remember the 'toaster' analogy Gab. Very appropriate. Was that Alamo talking?

Grieving8484 · Joined: 10 Mar 2008 Posts: 56

Thank you so much for putting the "friends" issue into perspective. They never think they have to try hard at anything...that you "owe" them for some reason. You're so right...I thought after that fact that everything he put his ex through and that she was still friends with him, that there has to be some reason she still talks to him right? Some good I guess? Well NO..she just fell into his sick trap...Milo, you answered a lot of my questions and my thoughts about maybe I should have been "friends" with him. Wow, they really do work like robots don't they?!

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

So what happens when you say "we will not be friends"?
I became the dirty dog, crazy one, disgusting and flaunts OW on cloud nine!
It sounds like to me, we have 2 choices...be used (firend) or ignored??
I prefer the latter!
Okay...so am I right???

rebuilding · Joined: 07 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

keepingseperate

The N will always tell others that we are crazy and the reason the relationship failed. They will also flaunt the OW like they are somekind of prize. Our best bet to to act completely indifferent towards the N, eventually he will lose interest in trying to get a reaction out of us. I have learned to talk very monotoned with my N no matter what he says to me. After I get off the phone with him is when I scream and yell! I wish I could be NC with him but that is impossible right now because of the children.

Grieving8484 · Joined: 10 Mar 2008 Posts: 56

Keeping separate-

I'm in the same boat..the only reason he went a got a girlfriend and plastered her all over his myspace with lovey dovey photos is because I acted like I could care less what he was doing and who he was with (even though I did care)...as soon as he found out I could care less about what he was doing (his brother let him know)...her comments starting disappearing (he deleted them) as well as comments from other sources of NS (his clients). I don't have a myspace but my friend does and we just laugh about how predictable he is. I had him all figured out and he HATED that. He wanted me to freak out. You really just have to laugh at their behavior because it's like dealing with a two year old..I definitely rather be ignored cause that's what's killing them overall...that someone has them figured out...they can fool you once, but if you're not fooled twice, that's what frustrates them the most...