Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

I was also in a lot of bad relationships before I met my husband. I also was looking for male attention because of absent father. I put up with a lot of bad treatment. I was used to it from N parents.

I also agree about the "whole world looks N" sometimes -- at least I'm very much attune to it and on the lookout for it. Probably protecting myself.

I read in one of the books about N's -- I think it's the one with "Adult Children of Narcissists" in the title -- that NPD is passed down from parent to child, in part, in the way they treat their children. That is, my Nmother had an Nmother -- I'm very sure of that. When this great-N-grandmother of mine died about 10 years ago, my Nmom called me to vent. Wow. The things she said about N-great-grandmother: it was like she was talking about herself.

Also -- I see my older sister taking on the NPD characteristics more and more. My sister is in denial about my parents' mental illnesses. She still talks to them and is "in it" with them. I've seen my sister neglect her kids and her husband verbally abuse them, and my sister do nothing about it. Just like when my father would abuse me, and my Nmother did nothing.

I think my guilt is lessening, recently. I will post more about that soon.
--Serenity

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 351

Can't wait to hear more! My thoughts on how the N behavior reared it's ugly head in my parents-- the alcoholism, my NM either had too much attention (when they were sober) or NONE (when they were drunk/hungover). This on/off behavior went on during her entire childhood, every 2 weeks! Then, her parents died young, breast/lung cancer, somewhat due to the alcoholism. She never revealed any of this until my 30's, always talked about her childhood being PERFECT. NF, well, his extended family adored him, only child, mother gave lots of attention, his father was probably N, alcoholic, beat him, verbally abusive and worked at a jail, a real winner. My NF is has always displayed sociopath traits, killing birds, lying, not taking responsiblity for his daughter, out of wedlock, kicked out of catholic school, always in trouble. Even as a small child, I knew he seemed evil, strange. All this info is through the eyes of the N, I only met my grandma, everyone else died before I was born. Sister has many of the N traits, she had much more influence in years and attention, I got away at 20 and never went back, she got wrapped-up in the family business, nightmare, it's going to take years if ever for her to recover. We are finally on the same page and trying to heal, no longer in competition, it's almost a blessing!

whyness · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 102

Good read here, so helpful. I am in my 4 mth on NC with my NM. I wanted to ask..does anyone have any more information N's being icky sweet = rage?

I can relate all too much to that one.

Rolling Eyes

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

I know this sounds wrong, but I wish my NM would be "ickey sweet". She's never done that to me. She only knows "MAD". I would give anything to know what it felt like to be treated "sweetly", even though underneath, you know it is just a ploy. I have had the worst anxiety for as long as I can remember. Something was always lurking in the background, waiting to get me.

Riccy

Elayne · Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 14

No you don't. Icky-sweet to you is just a pretext to the really nasty thing she is going to do next. Me and my siblings talk about taking turns as the "favorite". We don't like the favorite role because to keep it, you have to play along with her games which, inevitably end in a smear campaign against the other siblings who aren't providing the NS and are being punished. Then you become part of the problem for them... and sure enough... you will be the one, according to the N, that did the whole smear campaign to begin with. They do it to keep themselves as the center of attention at all times, but they always keep themselves as a victim to your horrible behavior.. and how dare you try to split up the family!! It always turns bad to you....
_________________
Elayne

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Thanks for keeping me grounded, Elayne. LOL. You're right. It's just as bad. What was I thinking.

Riccy

living-a-hurt · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

Something happened to me like this today, and it really did scare me.

I work in the hotel industry, and i work with my Nsis, not through choice i might add.

Today my Nsis noticed i was getting friendly with the other staff, having a laugh with them about stuff that didn't have anything to do with my Nsister. I am well liked by all. My Nsister on the other hand sees this as a threat, imagine this.

I had a call from her out of the blue, so she could tell me what bad people these girls are that i was having a laugh with.

She liked them before, i thought, now she hates them, and wants them both to leave, and i have heard my Nsister in this way before, she will get her own way, that is the scary part of it.

I like these two girls, i think theyre really cool, but if i continue to be friends with them, they will probably lose their jobs.

What is this called and how can i learn from it?
_________________
My sister is a N, and my life is a living hell.

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

I don't know what this is called, but I remember reading something that Dr. Sam wrote about this..I may not be recalling this correctly, but I think the gist of it is that the N hates to see you happy because she doesn't feel happy herself...she feels compelled to make you miserable...and then, once she's succeded in making you good and miserable, she 'fixes' your emotional state by cheering you up. Then it is ok for you to be happy, because she is the cause of your happiness..she made you feel better.
I don't know if that's what's happening here, it made sense to me as an explanation for my MIL's behavior. As soon as I read that, it clicked..that's what she does.
What would you do with this if you think thats' what's happening? It helps me to recognize it...don't know that I could ever respond in a way that might get her to behave differently,but it pisses me off less when I can see what she's doing.

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

living-a-hurt,
thank you soooo much for posting that question!
I can't tell you how much it helped me figure out what I might do next time I sense MIL is about to go ballistic.

I'm going to try giving her ego strokes before she has a chance to blow.
Tried to put myself in your shoes...what might I do, if that were me? I might try saying something to sis , like" I appreciate your looking out for me. I thought those girls were great, but maybe you're right. Thanks for looking out for me, sis, I'll be careful."

I wouldn't want to lay it on too thick. I would avoid lying...and it would feel really weird, saying something like that....

...but, if she felt heard and appreciated, do you think she would still feel the need to go off and ruin your new friendships?

anyway, thanks again...it was easier to see that possibilty,looking thru someone else's eyes.
paradox

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

Elayne · Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 14

Paradox... be careful.. She wants to get her way... you not being friends with anyone but her. If you are seen to agree with her ideas in anyway, she might turn around and tell them that you think they are horrible... Just be careful. Trying to manipulate an N is playing with fire!
_________________
Elayne

paradox · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 120

Elayne,
I appreciate your concern, thank you.

Riccy103 · Joined: 17 May 2007 Posts: 587

If I had a chance to manipulate my NM, I would take it. If you are totally free of control, in other words, you don't need anything from the N...you are safe. Once you understand the inner workings of the NPD, it's so predictable. You could chart their actions on a map.

The only harm in "playing" with your N, is that this would invite her/him back into your life. You've gotta weigh that possibility for yourself.

I'm going through an experience where I have to think about these things, myself. I'm taking it seriously. I won't give my NM one more inch in my life, therefore, I have to curtail certain relationships in which I know my NM will hear about me from other family members. I know her N rage will ignite if she knows I am socializing again, with my family, but not her. N's have to be in control at all times.

No one ever said it would be easy.
_________________
They may have changed our diapers when we were babies, fed us, and gave us a roof over our head, but their abuse canceled out all those good things. Why give me life in the first place, if all you want is to kill my soul?

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 110

How can I detach? It seems impossible. What do I do if my N's are my dad and my MIL ? How do I escape that? I play into them, but feel horrible afterwards. What else can I do? I am starting to think it is me , not them. But then I think' no one else in my life brings me so much pain, frustration, confusion. '. So it must be them! Nothing is ever good enough. I guess I have to remember "it doesn't matter', referring to what i do , say, don't do,etc. Rolling Eyes

Some days it is just harder to deal with. Today is one of those days.

Riccy103 · Joined: 17 May 2007 Posts: 587

HUGS, Windinthetrees.

What you are feeling is EXACTLY what every ACON feels. Until we become aware of what's really happening, of course.

I know what you're feeling. I've been there.

My foremost worry was always, how can I detach from that?

Their threats of guilt, potential withdrawal of love, inevitable smear campaigns, all served to keep us frightened of fighting back or worse, leaving them.

They are all smoke screens. They brainwash you with precision. N's are brainwashed themselves! They live through a false self. Of course they are going to write a script for you to follow, as well.

You are in the FOG right now, Windinthetrees. N's want you to stay there. That's how they keep their N supply. They feed off you, like vampires.

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT. You can get away from them. There is no one stopping you, but yourself. I just wanted to point that out. That's the wake up call I got. Then I started to realize that my life is truly worth saving. They don't own us. That's just what they want us to think. Then again, what have you got to lose?... We ACON's never had anything from them to begin with!

Riccy
_________________
They may have changed our diapers when we were babies, fed us, and gave us a roof over our head, but their abuse canceled out all those good things. Why give me life in the first place, if all you want is to kill my soul?

RedeemedRecovery · Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 3

I know that Paradox posted this nearly a year ago, but I just had to say what a relief it is to hear this, because this describes my situation perfectly:

"the N hates to see you happy because she doesn't feel happy herself...she feels compelled to make you miserable...and then, once she's succeded in making you good and miserable, she 'fixes' your emotional state by cheering you up. Then it is ok for you to be happy, because she is the cause of your happiness..she made you feel better. "

This is entirely my NGrandmother. She intentionally takes a good situation that I created, picks one thing to criticize, and then makes me feel terrible. But then she'll tell me that she's bought me a gift--which is supposed to make me feel good. Talk about an emotional roller-coaster!