Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

not_worth_naming · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 54

HE'S EVIL!

Does anyone else relate to this statement? I have such a problem disconnecting from my parents sick and twisted and dysfunctional relationship for 2 main reasons.

1) I am horribly afraid that if I disconnect my Dad and no longer have contact with him of the repucussions my Mum would suffer. I know my dad would blame her for 'her kids' (he IS my (and my siblings) biological father) and I fear the wrath onto my mother.

2) When my Dad is in a good 'phase' he is really really extremely loving and caring. Although it does revolve around him, I can't help have a soft spot for him when he is in these moods and really do love him, as well as having compassion and empathy for his suffering. However when he's in a bad phase, which is at least 50% of the time, he is pure evil. The things that come out of his mouth are unimaginable. And most of what he has said to me I have blocked out. Statements like 'You deserved to be raped and shat on' and 'you're psychotic and need to be institutionalised' come to mind right now. When you see his eyes at this point they are completely vacant, he looks evil and sees right through me. He just exudes hatred. At times like this I know I could go NC without guilt. I could kill myself without guilt. I could kill him without guilt. But inevitably he goes back to ''normal'' and all that hatred is once again forgot. As is the cycle of my familys' life.

Does anyone else relate to this? How do you deal? I don't know if my dad is an N or P or what but he's definately very mentally ill. But so am I so I can't disconnect from him purely based on that.
I just don't know how to cope.
_________________
This is not really happening.
(You bet your life it is)

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

I do know what you are saying but I do not have any answers. I have nc with my family and you know what scares me the most. This sounds selfish but I wonder how I will deal with guilt when they are gone...

Sorry, not in a real good place tonite, but I want to let you know that I hear you and I do understand..

justmee

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

I was shopping, and this is when my guilt is usually triggered, because I see women about my mother's age, alone, and struggling to get around.

It's horrible. I start to choke back tears.

Yesterday, when that happened...I started telling my mother off in my head. I told that guilt triggering thought, that it was SHE who caused it, SHE who wanted to "never see me again". She knew what she was doing. Don't try to guilt me now! If she's alone in her old age, she orchestrated it. She would have killed me physically if she weren't afraid of what her true self might feel. So she committed soul murder and allowed her false self to continue the lies to protect her conscience.

No, I'm not feeling guilty anymore. All the things that happened between us are in the forefront of my mind now, and guilt doesn't have a means to survive in that environment.

Riccy

kikisand · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

Wow, I am right there with you after spending a couple of harrowing days with surgery for Dad. Don't know what to think now...

Don't have answers, but here with you in spirit....
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

not_worth_naming · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 54

HI Justmee, Riccy and Kikisand.
Thanks for your responses and replies. ALthough you haven't offered a lot of advice it's good to know that you're there for me it makes a difference to know that I am not the only one suffering like this.
It's just so hard,
*hugs*
not_worth_naming
_________________
This is not really happening.
(You bet your life it is)

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

I think the safest option is to do what is best for oneself. One should be aware that it is the good memories we selectively remember and hang on to and this is not an accurate representation of reality. Child abuse is unacceptable, intentional or not. Of greatest importance is one's own well-being and then you can attend to others. As they tell us on the plane: fit your own O2 mask first, then you can help your mate should they need assistance.

Cricket · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

Well put, Thayilflies. I've always had a deep and abiding love for the well-placed metaphor.

The guilt, I think, is the thing that other people have a difficult time understanding. It's like the woman who still worries about her exboyfriend--yes, he was a jerk, and yes, she wishes that he'd fall off the edge of the earth, sure, but it's his birthday and he's all alone...remember the time that we did that thing and those people said that stuff and we laughed and laughed...

The abuse is not what causes the lasting damage. The love, or the perception of love, is what lingers and burns years after our physical wounds have healed. The hideous trap of narcissism is that we are so desperate to not become our parents (cold, uncaring, mean) that No Contact seems too extreme, too much like them.

I have been mostly NC for nearly seven months now, excepting the time that I made the mistake of sending my mother a birthday package (and for those of you who aren't aware of how that turned out, let me sum it up with the phrase "batshit crazy clusterfuck"). Yet, despite all that I know, and how much better NC makes me feel, I know that it won't last. I will see her when my brother comes to visit. Should she ever fall ill, I will be there at her bedside. I have nightmares about her showing up at my doorstep yet I know that should that happen I will be polite and take her out for a cup of coffee.

Knowing that these inevitabilities are on the horizon serves to make me appreciate the NC. I know that when I see her I will do steeled against her manipulations and abusive language, and I will have a very strong support system in place to tend to my wounds afterwards.

It's difficult not to love them; they've raised you to love them, to worship them, and they know what to do to get you to love them again.

Part of what makes me strong is that I've learned about real love, the kind that comes without the abuse. My mother's demands for NS can never match up to the real thing.

not_worth_naming · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 54

Hi Thayilflies,

I see what you're saying, it's a buddist principal helping ourselves is tantamount to helping others. I often think of it like trying to save someone as drowning, only I can't swim, and just end up drowning with them as they pull me under or I pull THEM under with me.

I just can't let go of that feeling that I have to help there otherwise I'm completley enveloped in an overwhelming sense of guilt and impending doom. I guess it probably relates to my OCD and feeling that if I don't help others bad bad things will happen to me and them. I have to keep me and everyone else afloat. Stupid but it's more than just simply a decision my life revolves around doing what's good and or right. I can't explain it and I doubt anyone could really understand unless they have experienced these sort of feelings.

For me, I can honestly say that I don't have one happy memory of my childhood. It's all tainted by my dad's behaviour. Just recently I told my mum of this, completely breaking down, and she just broke down with me, because she only ever wanted the best for us. And him [my father]. I'm sure there must have been times when I was happy but truth be told I've simply blocked out the majourity of my childhood and barely remember any of it right up until the time I moved out of home at 15 (to get away).

IT's strange even now when I return back to my childhood home I revert back to the sad and dejected child I was all those years ago. I never can feel relaxed or at peace, I'm constantly anxious with the feeling that I need to make or ensure that my dad is 'happy'. Of course he's never happy, but in the reflection of his other self, that inevitabley rears its ugly head, he seems like he really is happy.

My old therapist told me that I just have to accept that my parents will NEVER change, and no doubt die exactly the way they are now. The thought of that tears me up inside, and before I was on the medications I'm on now, it would always bring me to tears.

I have this constant feeling that I don't deserve to be happy when my parents have never felt true happiness. I don't even deserve to be content because my parents have never experienced this either. So I struggle and struggle, doing everything within my means to please them with the hope that one day they will achileve it.

So that one day I may feel that too.
_________________
This is not really happening.
(You bet your life it is)

luvmygirls · Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Posts: 3

Hi. I'm new to this board. I tried to post a couple of weeks ago about myself, all the N's in my life, and everything I've been through, but I totally lost it - deleted the messge and that was it. I think I was too overwhelmed by writing about everything all at once. Anyway, my story is pretty much the same as everyone else here - different details. Just wanted to say hi first.
The father of my brother's partner, who is a successful, interesting, sweet man whose three kids (all grown) mean the world to him, once said to my brother " your children don't owe you ANYTHING, you raise them and, if they come back to you, it is a GIFT" When I feel myself faltering I try to remember these words and hold steady. Put yourself first.
This is how a normal, loving parent thinks. We, as human beings, as their children, were ENTITLED to recieve their unconditional love ... and we didn't get it. I was also robbed of my childhood. What I did get was all the emotional baggage that puts me here writing on this message board.
As for your mother... hers is not your burden to bear. If she ends up feeling the wrath of your father, you can be there for her. It is not your responsibility to protect her .. if anything, she should be protecting YOU,
or at least trying to. If she's as caring as you say she is, she will understand. It's okay to put yourself first. If you continue to dance the same dance nothing will ever change .. break the cycle. You deserve more. Hang in there.

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

The adult in us knows we dont need to feel guilty, that its ridiculous to feel guilty or shameful. The adult in us knows we dont deserve to be treated poorly, and that we all have boundaries that only let them hurt us now if we LET them, but its the little kid they have still got on the HOOK if we dont keep our boundaries in place.

For me, the damaged child(for me "spirit or soul") is the one with the messages IMPRINTED IN OUR BONES that : we have to DO something to be loved. We often learn this before we can even talk.

What I have learned from books I have read, from reading here, and from my therapist is that the critical parent we internalized from them says we shouldn't be happy because THEY aren't happy, that we are bad or unworthy of happiness because we dont "deserve" it.

So my therapist says, if we can "tease out" those parts of ourselves giving us those confused thoughts/beliefs/messages, if we can integrate the critical parent, the damaged child, with the healthy, rational, loving adult, we can hopefully eventually connect all the parts and HEAL.

The truth of these people and our history with them is very, very hard to face. Because we feel like we should have been able to control it. But you see, when you are having that cup of coffee with her, she doesnt SEE you, and you couldnt control ANY of it. You were a CHILD. It is NOT you, its HER that does not have the capacity for truth or love or self respect or respect for others.

For me, No Contact is the only way. I cant be polite. I spent most of my life being polite, suppressing that scream.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

You have a very insightful therapist Oaktree, wow. Excellent advice of your own too. I have to say the quality insight is rife at the moment, lots to be learned!

NWN, yes, that is what I was getting at. Priority number one, my own well being. Priority number two, help others if I can. The attachment to your parents is part of the problem. You don't need them. You are fine on your own and left to your own devices. If you attend to your own problems everything else will fall into place.

Losing the attachment or co-dependency takes time. I can't remember who said it, but it was excellent advice: you need to be patient because things do become clearer over time. Live life with intent and be patient, hang in there.