Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

seashell · Joined: 20 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Hello.
This question I ask at Dr V section. I read all the links he suggested but it still doesnt make sense to me. I really would like to have your thoughts on this one???

Beeing involved with one, IMO narcissist, for 18 mounths, we lived together for 8, (but I think he is a mixture of severel disorders....) I'm starting to understand his weird behaviour and why I did fall/choose to be with him. I'm so glad I got out of there in time!
I cant help wonder though, what is he?

Are the N specificly clever at psychology? How do they learn/figure out how to manipulate? How do they know how make another person so victimised?

If he have been abused when a little child, why do it again??? Whats the terrible thing happened to him? To make him this way? He never told me much about his parents, just know he didnt like them. The mother was victim of rape and the father was very strict. He refused to visit the cemetery, they are both dead and so is his yonger sister. Which he still idealise.

He told me he allways leave his women, he treats them like crap, doesnt care about them at all... He admitt he dont love them..but he kind og grow on women, he says. and he of course didnt love me. But I really thought he did...He made me love him...well like him in some weird way.
He said that he never showed himself to me at first. He knew that I would never go out with him ig I knew who he really was. He wantet to have me so much and so on...I was Sooo important to him..

His weirdness made me loose interest in him...an I moved out, and thats not what a N wants, is it? Though he got a lot of love from me he drove me away.
Am I just a miscalculation? He maybe thougt I was more weak and easy to manipulate? Did he misjudge the whole situation, me?

Hes ex before me stayed with him for 11 years! They have 3 sons. She finally found another man.

He did most of the things you write about:
Idealized me first then devaluete, became indifferent.
Was interest of every move I made. Wantet to know everything about me. "I,m learning you."
Made me love him! Despite I was very reluctant at first. He persisted.
Then lies, lies, lies
Manipulating me to do things for/to him, most sexually.
Secret addiction to porn on internet.
Had a lots of secret women-contacts while working out of home.

Let me decide in the home the first three mounths, then I didnt got to decide even about having my own breakfast. He took over.
He came to my work unannounced severel times and didnt want anything.
He followed me to doctorsappointement, spec. the gyn.

He gave me his deas mothers car.
He gave me presents, chocoladeboxes
Lots of red roses.
Money, Parfyme, gold...

He said that he never thinks about himself, that he never cares for himself, he just want to take care of others... ME! But complained that I was to headstrong and independent. At the same time weak because I didnt hide my feelings.
Stated early on that he can never live alone. Had to have a woman.

Was very argumentative.
Make up his own words. I thought that was very childisch.
He didnt like to look in the mirrow at himself. Hatet that.
He hated his feet.
Was angry at me for byuing him clothes. "You decide what I'm supposed to weare!!!"

He had a business went banrupcy. A fancy house that his ex (mother of his children) took over, fancy cars was a huge interest...
Now he has Lots of taxdebts...
He now have worldwide plans starting an huge internetsite, like e-bay, but dont have the founds or investers for his businessplans..

I could go on forvever...

Love to here from your experiences if this could be a true N?

Love
Seashell

WindSong · Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 1:55 am Post subject:

Hi Seashell,

We are not professionals here and cannot professionally diagnose any one with being a Narcissist. But we being an online support group, can tell you what we think and our opinions.

It sounds like he is definitely disordered and abusive to you. Sounds like a possible N, with his devalue and discard that he's done to you and being controlling and he sounds like he has grandiose ideas.

I think that it is good that you are away from him because he is disordered and your being with him is not going to be good for you. Perhaps you can work on making your life better away from him?

Take care,
Tammy
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seashell · Joined: 20 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Thanks for your reply, Sammy.

I understand that no diagnosis is made here, I was not looking for that. I think I just want some realitycheck...that means I think I need someone to tell me that his behaviour isnt OK. Which you did. And I'm thankful for that. Its needed to hear from another person... I dont have anyone to talk to about him...I dont want to either...

I know by myself it wasnt a healthy nice relationship. He treated me like crap in between the presents and roses and idealisation...Still it was hard to get over him/it... I know that if I call him up now, we havent spoked for mounths, he will be very glad and behave like nothing happened. Just take up were we ended...weird isnt it...

Love

Seashell

seashell · Joined: 20 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Sorry Tammy! Wink

You know, A week ago I didnt even thought him to have a disorder, properly I mean. Like an official psychopath. I often thougt he must be a psycho and had a genuine feeling that something is wrong with this guy, but his behavior changed all the time, so I wasnt sure of anything.

Then I got adviced from another forummember to go here...which I did. I send a lot of love to that person advicing me. I will in turn advice women I meet to go here and heal. I dont think there are any supportgrous of this kind in my country.

I can not belive that's so many of them out there!! Men with various kind of disorders. Especially Narcissists.

What went wrong with the motherhood in our world, I ask myself? Because it is the women who make this men sick, isnt it? The mothers. It scares me that we, the women do this to our little boys and girls. Who grows up living zombies demeaning women...and/or themselves

I'm afraid that I have damaged my own son, 13 years old, for letting me in to relationships with disordered men, because this one isnt the first one..( thats another thread...).but surley will be the last.

I have learned so much this last few mounths in my life. About myself and what I want from life. I never thought of what I want before. I just gave myself to the man interested enough. And if he presisted, that must be true love! He really wants me/loves me!
Sounds sad, but thats the way I was. I had no selfesteem, no selfworth either... (My mother was a medicineaddict, verbaly abusive, and a psycho, had no father,. So I kind of have the pattern from start for a codependent peronality.)

But that has changed by the last year. This last man opened my eyes. I saw my littleness and my codependent soul...and it was not a nice experience, but it woke me up.

I felt a very dignified feeling, felt strong when put an end to the relationship and stod up to him. And not interact at all. Just ignore him when I see him around the town. If he should call I decided I wont answer the phone. I'm not availible to him anymoore. Thats it! He maybe forgot what happened, I didnt!!

But I still trying to understand what happened. A lot of why's in my head. And here I found a place were there is a lot of answers to my why's. Im very thankful for this forum and I read your experiences and it makes me stronger for every day in my decision breaking up this realtionship.

I hope all of you will find the same strenght in you, that I have, because it is in there somewhere, to break an abusive relationship. with anybody. Life is to great to waste on a Narcissist. He will never thank you for your effort anyway...

Love
Seashell

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1834

hi seashell.

It does sound like a typical n pattern, the lies, the d&d's and the betrayals...but as with all n's or p's there are always "variations on a theme". The "why" they do what they do is the big question isn't it? I know it plagued me alot at first..."why can they be so cruel?" etc...but in the end....no matter how many books you read, no matter how many documentaries you may see on the subject, there comes a point when you decide to stop dwelling on THEM and why they do what they do....

and shift the focus to

yourself. Why did you stay? Why were you targeted? What was it about him that seemed "familiar" to you and helped you feel that this was "the one"...and those questions...when you ask them of yourself, have to be asked honestly and gently...it's not an excuse to punish yourself, or blame yourself..just a way to become concious of the choices you have made so that your choices might be healthier in the future.

There were two things that leapt out at me from your post...one the statement you said he made that you were "too independant for him". That's good. Can you see what he may well have been really saying? He wanted you to be dependant on him. He did not want you to be a "whole" person, an individual being. Be glad that you have this "independant" quality.

The other thing was you said he: "Made me love him!"
No he didn't. No one has that power. That power is yours. You chose to love him. He may have seduced you and charmed you and used lies to win you over...but only YOU decide who to love.
No one else is in charge of your emotions but you. (forgive me, but are you from another country? I found your use of English unusual, so perhaps there's a language barrier here?)

Bravo to you for seeing through his lies, for having the courage to leave him and for taking back your life.

If you find yourself still obsessing over him, what he did, why he did what he did...just use the following phrase as your answer....
"because he's frikkin' nuts"....lol. Razz

take care Seashell,

Matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1394

Hey...mothers are NOT alone in making their sons n's or p's.......my son is an n/p and I DO take my responsibility in making him one in as I stayed with his dad for waaaay too many years........I tried many times to get out but my sisters worked on me till I went back and gave up thinking I could make it w/o him.....I want to go on record here in saying I loved my son with all that I am........I can't believe any mother loved her son more than I did....and I showed it......all the time.......I NEVER said or did 1 thing to hurt my son.....UNLIKE HIS P DAD.......who said and did soooo very much to hurt him I can't even begin to tell it.......repeated hurt......not 1 doubt in my mind that the sicko dad hated our son with a passion......I will always believe it was our son seeing his dad in action that made him an n/p........this and his genes together........Yes I stayed too long.......but thats a small part compared to what all his own father taught him.........
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seashell · Joined: 20 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Matilda:
yes I'm from N Europe, but I hope I make myself clear enoug and dont offend anyone. Its easier to talk english than write. Wink

What I ment by He made me love him, is that I fall in his trap. You know, I found this man very repulsive at first. He has no good looks at all. No charm. He has no humor. But he KNOW how the women psyche works. He KNOW how to call upon a women. He has learned. He was so persistent that I just gave in and started to date him. Was flattered I guess.

In time I saw his fragile inner child popping out some times and probably felt sorry for him... I started to kind of like him, but when I did, he turned from idealising to descarding.

My focus IS changing. Every day I'm feeling stronger. But it's a process I think. And I'm kind of that girlt too...wanna know.... Wink

I probably have to accept that I will never know how this disorder developed in him and why. Its difficult for me to not understand.

Cookie2:
You are right of course, but Its still my choise of men that influences my son too....His father has probably some disorder, beeing a drugaddict in denial. And his mother defintly has a big disorder... Confused

Totally in denial of her sons addiction. So it runs deep, this kind of thing.

I'm sure that my son has some form of personalitydisorder. He has hard time showing his true feelings and dont want interact socially...Want to be by himself at home mostly... But he loves our cat and shows a lot of loving feelings for her...maybe to much sometimes... Smile

I wonder how I can help him?

Seashell

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1834

That is good, the focus changing etc. Sorry for any mix ups re language etc....what part of Europe are you from?

re your son...not sure what to suggest here, but there are plenty here with experience with children who might offer some advice.

Matilda
_________________
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright