Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

OK when people are trying to make conversation, and say things like 'oh it must be really hard to have him gone' and you just want to scream "IT'S A LOT EASIER THAN WHEN HE WASN'T GONE!" and then rant about what a jerk he is, what do you say instead?

I'm not talking about the people who are being nosy, I'm talking about people who are genuinely trying to be empathetic and let you know that they care. I know that I shouldn't say those things, how do you react?
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NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

This is where I don't hold back. When people ask if it's hard being without him, I respond, "At least I'm not being beaten up and having to hide the bruises anymore." The gentler version is, "My children witnessed violence in the home, so it's better that we are apart." Although I don't go into the details, I refuse to candy coat his actions, or to go along with the facade of the "perfect guy". Because we are apart, I can tell the truth now.

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Do you say that to people you know through him too? What about people you hardly know? What about school? Like when the school asked how the divorce would affect the kids, I wasn't sure what to say. Because it was certainly a huge relief to one of my kids. But I don't really want to be the vindictive ex, you know?
_________________
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 965

Timely post Dagna. I am going to parent teacher conferences tonight. At a religious school.

I never know quite how to put things. The school has a copy of the parenting time order showing ExN's parenting time is suspended by the court, which should be an indicator that dad has issues, but I am still don't know what to say. I write the checks to the school, I volunteer, I'm the one who helps with the homework, but I still worry that the teacher will make a comment about what a shame it is that mom and dad aren't together, etc. It's hard for me to decide what is the school's business and what isn't. I have been trying to hold more personal information back from people. This was a suggestion of my therapist about a year ago. And certain matters about ExN and d are really, really personal. It's not my business to disclose these matters. At the same time, the school needs to know what factors can influence my d's behavior in the classroom. It's hard to know what to do.

As for people who really don't need to know, well, I don't feel so bad by leaving them guessing. Even if my silence leaves me in a negative light.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

School, strangers, his friends, everyone. When people ask, I do not hesitate to state that this man was violent. Give me one reason why I should keep this a secret. I spent my whole life keeping abuse a secret. I will speak out against it every chance I get. I do not bad mouth him. I just state that he was violent and that I was physically harmed by him. It's not slander, it's a fact. There was a time that I was too embarrassed to say it, but I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. How many people are beaten by their spouses but feel they need to keep it quiet so as not to "air the family's dirty laundry"? I consider it my duty to battered women everywhere to say it out loud every chance I get. "After 22 years of marriage, I found myself in the unfortunate position of having become a battered wife." I know first hand that it can happen to anyone. Whenever I speak up about this charming man driving around town in his Porsche, I help to break down the stereotype many people hold of batterers. I consider it a public service.

I suppose the only time I don't say anything about it is if I fear it will get back to the children. I don't mention it to anyone who might talk about it in front of their own children if my kids know them. The last thing I want is for my kids to hear other kids talking about their violent father. It would be humiliating for them.

I had a conference with 5 of my son's teachers at once. One of the reasons I called the conference was to request extra sets of books for my son so that he did not have to lug them back and forth between homes. I explained to the teachers that there was violence in the home before N moved out, and that it is important that we minimize our contact at this time. I asked them to contact N as well as me whenever there was a need for parental communication, so that I did not have to be responsible for informing him of shool-related things. I told the teachers that the transition to living between two homes would be a challenge for my son at the beginning of the school year, but as the year progresses they should see a drastic improvement in him due to the stability and lack of violence in his life now. I was not bad-mouthing N. I was telling them what they need to know about my child.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Hmmm... interesting. Nancy, you are really good. I really think you should write the Divorcing a Narcissist Handbook.

I suppose my hesitation is because the easiest way to explain what happened is to talk about how awful he was to our oldest child. But I know that would get back to our child eventually, and I really don't want him to believe that he is in any way responsible for the divorce. Because he isn't responsible in any way for it, but that can be a mental leap for a child, especially one who has already experienced abuse.

But it would be way too complicated to explain all of the other crap to Joe Neighbor-- it can't be reduced to a sound bite. Especially because, and I cannot even begin to explain the magnitude of this, but N is absolutely and totally one of those people who 'would never do that!'. He is well recognized throughout the entire community and beyond as the anti-N. Have I mentioned that he once won a multi-state award for outstanding work with youth?

I have, on occasion, said to people that it was a complicated relationship and that I am glad to be out of it. I should probably stick with that. Is that a satisfactory answer to 'It must be really hard for you'?
_________________
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
-Paul Simon

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Hey Lived,
How did the conference go?

and Summer,
Your situation seems like an incredibly tangled web. I hope you can start peeling back the layers soon. Ugh.
_________________
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
-Paul Simon

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 965

Actually, the teacher is very sweet. I have visited with her often and we email each other a lot, but this is the first time I have really gotten a good visit with her.

She didn't make any references about me and ExN not being together. Didn't ask why ExN isn't involved. Yea!

She just concentrated on d in the classroom. My d has every skill they look for in first grade, but she is having a heck of a time listening to the teacher give instructions in the classroom. If we work on something at home, she has no problems. If she is given homework, she usually has it done in latchkey (30 minutes after school) and just has me grade it when we get home. She has a mild hearing loss and therapist thinks she could be mild ADHD. It's hard to tell. She sees the audiologist next week -- important appointment I think. She is very spirited, very social. The teacher says she has to soak up everything that is going on all the time. Focuses extraordinaly well in a quiet enviroment. This is why I don't send her to public school. It's so hard to know at this age. I hope as she matures she focuses better in the classroom. If it is her hearing or a learning disability, I hope it gets identified properly.

Well, I ramble. The teacher thinks she will be fine, but I am a worry-wart. If it does end up being ADHD, I have this vision of the ExN fighting me on treatment, etc. etc. He left d a voicemail yesterday saying he was proud of how well she is doing in school, yet the school has no record of him making an inquiries about how she is doing. Rolling Eyes