Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

dallas0404 · Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 9

Who else is wanting to stop loving the one they are with. I have been with my husband for 10 years, it has been a roller coaster. He is so verbally mean to me, has left me off and on through out the 10 years to take care of our 3 children, I am at the moment having to find a place to live with my children cause he moved out once again, cant pay the bills here, and found out Im pregnant again and he says it is someone elses. When we separate I am emotional devistated and he is just fine, has no problem laying his head down at night to sleep. Then some how will lie and convince me to take him back. I always do because I love him and dont know why becuase he does nothing for me. He does not believe anything is wrong with him and wont get treatment. I hate to say this but Im glad to see that other people have the same life as me. I thought I was alone, and no one else knew what I was going thru, always an emotional wreck.

Any reponses are greatly appreciated

dallas0404

Nolongerhisvictim · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1380

Dallas,
My situation was different than yours. But the feelings of wanting him outta my head were just as real and significant. I couldn't believe the hold he had on me emotionally. The only way to get away is to leave and never look back! We as victims always seem tomlook back, often in fondness, even when the reality is so much worse than the illusion we carry around in our heads. My P was a big loser piece of crap who managed to worm himself into my life at a time I was extremely vulnerable...reality was, he was a lying snake but it took NC for 8 months for me get and face reality.

I wish you luck in trying to get out...if that is really what you want, then you can do it! Believe in yourself!

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
Christopher Robin to Pooh

Quote written by A. A. Milne
_________________
NLHV

dallas0404 · Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 9

Thank you for your response. I need any help I can get, Im having a real hard day today, im researching how to recover from loving a psychopath. How to move on with my life, no 1 is to stop all contact, which I am trying. I am still in shock Ive been married to a man with no soul, feels no empathy, lacks no emotions, pure evil.

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1416

Hi and welcome Dallas. Keep reading and learning. There is a whole section on the main page of the forum to learn about "N's and P's". Please keep coming back and sharing. You don't have to go through this alone and we know you can change your life. It's your choice.

Hugs and it's good to meet you.

kato · Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 8 Location: Melbourne, Australia

Dallas,

I know about verbal abuse (plus physical, emotional, mental) . And I mean the kind of stuff that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy. I am just recently out of a 3 year relationship with my now exNarc (6 weeks ago, my son and myself are now living with my parents, God love them) and the mixed feelings of "God, how the hell can I do this by myself!! I'm a mother and if I can't make this relationship work then I'm failing my child". Is that how you feel?

Does the abuse happen in front of your kids? Or can they hear it from their bedrooms at night? But even if none of the above applies, are you being/representing an emotionally stable mother in your kids lives? Remember that kid's (in my case a 22month old) picks up on this. Don't be disillusioned about this.

If the case yes OR no, then this is where you have to take action.

There is going to be a legacy involved here for your children if something does not happen now. I'm hearing EXACTLY what you are saying about how easy it is to take him back (believe me, I still feel weak now but yet I feel the strongest I've felt in a long time) but I never will. Why? Because there is a child involved. It would be abusive of me towards my child if I went back. Pure and simple.

Dallas, I honestly don't mean to put the hard word on you if that's how it's coming across. I'm crying right now. But you've got to start looking really deep within yourself. Start looking at recources. Do you have a good relationship with your parents/friends?

Honestly sweetheart, if he is what you believe he is then you've got to think about the whole big picture, not just yourself right now (and I say that with all affection). Your children are number 1.

I get the feeling that your kind of thinking "Well who else is going to love me, support me etc.??" But you'd be surprised!! You've gone through hell and back and you will come through as victorious. And it will show. But just don't become too hardened, as it can so often happens. You were a wonderful person before you even met him.

I hope to hear from you.

Kato.

dallas0404 · Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 9

Kato,
I truly appreciate you responding, it is so great to know I am not alone. I never imagined anyone else in the world knew of the kind of life I had been living for 10 years, Im only 29 and feel like I have waisted it. They are so good at conning us that I just keep thinking this time he is for real, he will change.

I am moving into a 2 br. apartment in three weeks. It will be small as we are coming from a 4br house, 3000 square feet, but I will be able to afford it. Im anxious to move, as there are so many memories in this house. Im having the hardest time getting his face out of my head. I seem to think about him all the time, I write everynight in my journal. I know I cant go back, and I pray that will these forums it will help me stay strong, as Im only two weeks into my lifewithout the NP. I know he will come back around its just a matter of when.

I pray for eachday to get better and easier, and for god to ease my soul. I know that I stay with him because of trauma bonding. I am researching every night to help me to learn ways to break that sick addiction. I unfortunately am not going to keep this baby that I am pregnant with now. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I can not afford another child. I have a 13 year old, a 9 year old, and a 3 year old. So on top of all the other issues I am dealing with, I am unsure how this is going to affect me after having children. I have just started depression medicine, too soon to know if it is helping. I work full time as a pediatric nurse, so that helps keep my mind off of things.

I know that one day I will find someone who truly loves me and my children and treats us with respect, but I have to quit loving the NP before i can move on..(so sick to think I still love him). My life feels like im in a daze, just lost. You asked about my family, Im real close to my family, but both my parents are ill and I dont talk about my problems because I dont want them to worry about me. But I have lots of friends who are standing beside me, but they truly dont understand what Ive been thru, after reading stories on here, I know that I am at the right place for understanding, and to help me get thru this.

Thanks again for your help. I hope to hear from u again. we can help each other thru this.

Dallas

BloomingintheSON · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 345

Dear Dallas,

First, an apology. It was my mistake that I answered your pm without first checking out your story.

You are experiencing what all of the rest of us understand from personal knowledge. I can guarantee that you will survive this. Every one of us is stronger and more courageous than we think -- and we come out at the other end stronger and more courageous than before. Yes, believe in yourself and trust your instincts.

You are struggling with "loving" your H and we understand that, too. Luckily, you already know about traumatic bonding. Don't forget that you are loving a Pretend Guy, a Dr. Jekyll whose mask is fake.
The Mr. Hyde personality, who has no soul, empathy, or conscience, is the "real" one. In other words, you are loving an illusion that doesn't exist. (I hope this makes sense to you. It admittedly is tough to get your mind around that but you must.)

I echo the others who say stay strong in yourself -- for yourself and for your children, all four of them, whether you stay or leave. But, if he becomes violent, your choice is ready-made. LEAVE!

You mention your faith. I believe that trusting in Him will lead you to the right decisions -- daily, one day at a time. I firmly believe that God "allowed" me to remain a captve for so long because *I* and our four children had valuable lessons to learn even though the lessons were/are hard and painful.

I left a huge house and lived in a 400 sq ft motel room and no money for 5 months. I now have a home of my own in a lovely suburban neighborhood. God is trustworthy.
_________________
"My intuition is God's gift to me. Using it is my gift to God."

trjpm · Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 9

Dear all of you,

I echo the sentiment that it is so comforting to know that you are not alone. I stayed with my N husband for 26 years and 3 children. Trying every day to make it work, walking on eggshells, never know who or what would be coming through the door on any given day. Then one day, 10 min after I got home he walked out on all of us. Desperately trying to separate his lies from the truth, looking for answers as to how someone could dispose of his family like yesterday's trash. He has insulted, degraded, demoralized and brought the kids and I to the lowest points in our life. The hurt and pain, mental and physical has been excrutiating. He divorced me in a nano-second and sat on the witness stand and gave away our life as though it meant nothing. As the clouds begin to clear and the kids and I figure out our new life, although it is difficult, it is my 17 year old who reminds how we no longer have to walk on eggshells or be afraid, we have love and we are safe. It is through her eyes that I realize although it has been horrible, that we will survive and be stronger. However, I pray every day that I will stop loving him. Hearing his voice just disolves me to tears and he is so cruel. So thank you my friends, I cry when I read your stories, as they are so simliar to mine. My heart breaks for us all, however I will persevere and find the strength to get through another day and hope each of you will do the same. Hang on tight, the ride is a really rough one, but one day it will feel better, even if it is just for a moment and then those moments turn to minutes...

amonetteny · Joined: 31 Mar 2007 Posts: 11

I 100% agree with for the sake of your children, get out and stay out. They will respect you when they get older, if you have girls you do not want them to think it is acceptable to put up with abuse and end up with abusive relationships in their lives. As for sons, you do not want them to abuse their partners because they grew up with it.

I've seen it happen with children and it is a cycle that you can break. It has happened with my own 18 year old son, and it breaks my heart how he treats his girlfriend.

I just had a baby boy that is 7 weeks old and I refused to go back to his father when I was 3 months pregnant when the relationship ended. I did put out him on the birth certificate and implemented no contact for most of the pregnancy. I realize having other children with the baby's father it is will be much more difficult to implement no contact but can be done through 3rd party contact for visitation pick-up. It was very difficult to stay out of a relationship with the father of my newborn son and I cried a lot of nights to sleep over the guilt of bringing this baby into this world while refusing to have anything to do with his father. I know it is so much worse to maintain a relationship with his father for my baby in the long run. It would be child abuse to bring an innocent child into our turbulant and abusive relationship. I remind myself of that every time I feel guilty for keeping him away from his father.

If you ever need to talk throughout your pregnancy and about being a single mom, please let me know. We can correspond through e-mail. It is a difficult road ahead of you, but stay strong and know you are doing the right thing for your children.

godspeed2007777 · Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 5:56 pm Post subject: Help me please

I am new here. It's been about 18 months, and I still have the dreams, the incessant thoughts, my heart freeks out when I see him, but I know now who and what he is.

Can anyone please tell me how to stop my heart from lying to me. I have been through hell with this man. Others he was with committed suicide. ..I beg God to free me of this insane obsession of this man. Help me. I cant take it anymore.

godspeed2007777

Echo · Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 6:35 pm Post subject:

Hi Godspeed, Welcome to the forum! Im sorry for the pain you're enduring. I hope that being here amongst others who understand will help.

Are living apart from him? Is he still in contact with you or are you bumping into him from time to time? Its very difficult to recover from this type of relationship if they are still contacting us.

He must be very abusive if people have taken their own lives because of his treatment.

There are lots of links if you scroll down the forum, you will find help to work out how to heal that aching heart. Post and read as much as you can, it will help. Take Care,

Echo.

trjpm · Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 9

Dear Godspeed,

I understand what you mean, there are times that the feeling is so overwhelming it feels like a tidalwave and I become so weak and vulnerable that I can barely breathe. It does get better, a little at a time. You just need to remember, as do I, that the love we have for these NP's is more of an obsession and addiction, that is how they want it. As long as they are in control, they can make us believe anything and they will have not guilt, no emotion, no true attachment. They suck the life out of us and then leave us by the side of road. I'm sorry if I sound bitter, I don't mean to. Hang in there, feel free to email me if you want to chat. Take care of yourself and when that feeling comes crashing down, close your eyes and breathe.

godspeed2007777 · Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:48 pm Post subject:

Thank you both so very much! You nailed it. I run into him occasionally at AA meetings. I usually leave when he comes in. It's the "Stare"....the nightmares.....

When he sees me....the "stare"....What do I do??? Keep letting him chase me out of the meetings? Some of my friends say "stare back"..........I can't. It's just evil what I see in his eyes. Scares me to death. He married another woman in less than 10 months after our break up. Shes got DPD. (11 personalities)........whew!!!!!!! I know this is crazy, but i feel drawn to see him, even if it's from a distance. WHY?????? Hes pure evil! No conscience, none.

Dear God, how long does it take to get N/P out of our mind and hearts?? This is ridiculous.

Echo · Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:29 pm Post subject:

Hi Godspeed, Heres the official advice on the eyes of Ps. Laughing

Straight from Dr Hare's book. Don't look. Cool

Don't stare into the eyes. Cool

Avoid all contact if possible, and definately don't stare. Thats how they manage to freak us, by staring. Think about what happens when he gets eye contact with you - are you the first one to break it? Do you look down, or away un-nerved? I ask that because thats what used to happen when I tried to look at him and stare him down. It didnt work, but it left me un-nerved for a long time.

I'm with you here, its like staring into an abyss - something so terrifying, because there is absolutely no humanity in there.

Are there any AA meetings scheduled for another time - could you move to another meeting at all?

This is very difficult for you - all the time you are sitting there, not only are you baring your soul infront of him, which is bound to leave you vulnerable, you are also a "sitting duck" target for silent abuse from him, whilst you are at the meeting.

I feel for you here Godspeed. Your meetings are vital to you - so you need to go imo, and yet when you do - there he is psyching you. Shocked

If you cant change to a meeting at another time, I would say try, totally, not to look at him. And dont try and stare him down - he'll see it as a game, and try to outdo you. Do whatever you can not to get contact.

Its well documented about the eyes of psychopath's and its very freaky to be on the receiving end of the cold, blinkless stares.

Hope this helps Smile

Echo.

godspeed2007777 · Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:16 pm Post subject:

Thanks Echo.......I have been going to other meetings. Then he showed up there....sporthing hi snew wife. (I am not "all that") but this woman is ....not attractive to say the least. Probably 100 pounds on a rainy day.

Do ya'll feel that your heart freeks out when you see them stil? WHY?? I realize he didn't do anything to me that i didn't alow. Damn! Over and over again I took him back. I believe your right about the stare thing. They do it to see if "we're ready to play again". How do ya'll get over them in your heart? It's been damn near 2 years........What ticks me is I left him!!!

Okay, so I removed myself from the other meeting too....there are 390 meeting a week in my city.....haaaaa. THANK GOD!

I hope I can help you all as you have helped me. I have a therapist, ....there is really no closure is there? Maybe that's why it taunts us so......how long does the residue of the relationship last before we are able to love again?.....I won't even try to get in another relationship, not carrying this baggage. It wouldn't be fair to the new partner ya know?

Sincerely,
godspeed