Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

G-PA · Joined: 24 Jun 2007 Posts: 14 Location: Midwestern USA

Dear Dr. Vaknin,

I’m fairly new around here, but someone suggested I should solicit your opinion on our biggest concern regarding my older brother, a lifelong serial bully. I’ll spare the details, since I’ve already elaborated on it on the Personal Stories forum, and I know whatever you say is contingent on the accuracy of my own account, anyway.

Having been taught from his youth, my brother has a lifelong obsessive rage against me. He continues to express his own shame and inadequacies (my opinion) through wild accusations against me on a handful of internet sites that are slanderous, defamatory, and libelous. I can effectively combat him by either using my own websites to expose the errors of his charges or filing civil and/or criminal charges against him…or at least preliminary comparisons between our substantial records and the laws would indicate.

Here’s the rub: I have a lot of reason to think that the possibility of his going “postal” against my family and I is real, and I don’t want to counter his slander, defamation, etc. only to provoke him to that point. He already blames me for every miserable element of his life and vents that in the most outrageous ways. Historically, ignoring him has only inflamed him more, but, then, so has opposing and exposing him. I can only imagine what legal action would do.

He scores an A+ on a list of common traits associated with spree killers from Tim Field’s bullyonline.org site. From what I’ve read, most spree killers like the Columbine and Virginia Tech shooters showed clear signs of their violent potential long before they committed their atrocities, but were underestimated by those around them. He knows where I and my whole family work together, too, so opportunity is almost always there.

That said, my question is what you think is most/least likely to provoke him to the extreme limits of his capacity for evil actions against us – ignoring him, exposing him in the same arena he attacks us (the internet), or taking legal action against him?

Thank you so much for all the work you have done on behalf of victims of NP’s. Your writings have been invaluable to us, and we’ve only begun reading.
_________________
G-PA

samvaknin · Site Admin Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2316

Narcissists are not prone to "irresistible impulses" and dissociation (blanking out certain stressful events and actions). They more or less fully control their behavior and acts at all times. But exerting control over one's conduct requires the investment of resources, both mental and physical. Narcissists regard this as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. Lacking empathy, they don't care about other people's feelings, needs, priorities, wishes, preferences, and boundaries. As a result, narcissists are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, abrasive and insensitive.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders49.html

Question:

I am afraid of my ex-Narcissist. He stalks me, harasses me, threatens me verbally. Can he become real violent? Am I at risk? I am mostly worried about my children. Will he do something bad to them to get back at me?

Read about Guns and Narcissists

Read about School Shootings

Read Interview with Lehr Beidelschies

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html

Narcissists invariably react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html

Most personality disordered people are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that people suffering from personality disorders are in a CONSTANT state of anger, which is effectively suppressed most of the time.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/mask.html

If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:

Involve the police whenever possible.

Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:

Involve the courts whenever possible.

In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a stand-alone measure.

In some countries, the police applies to the court for an emergency protection order on your behalf. The difference between a protection order and a restraining order is that the former is obtained following an incident of domestic violence involving injury or damage to property, it is available immediately, granted at the police's request, and issued even outside court hours.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

Question:

Are narcissists vindictive? Do they stalk and harass?

Answer:

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

Your abusive ex is likely to cope with the pain and humiliation of separation by spreading lies, distortions, and half-truths about you and by proffering self-justifying interpretations of the events leading to the break-up. By targeting your closest, nearest, and dearest – your family, your children, boss, colleagues, co-workers, neighbours, and friends – your ex hopes to achieve two equally unrealistic goals:

To isolate you socially and force you to come running back to his waiting and "loving" arms.

To communicate to you that he still "loves" you, is still interested in you and your affairs and that, no matter what, you are inseparable. He magnanimously is willing to forgive all the "horrible things" you did to him and revive the relationship (which, after all, had its good moments).

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

The paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no "typical scenario". But experience shows that you can minimise the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some basic steps.

If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and your new life. You may have to make painful sacrifices, such as minimize contact with your family and friends.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

The narcissist has no criminal intent (“mens rea”), though he may commit criminal acts (“acti rei”). He does not victimise, plunder, terrorise and abuse others in a cold, calculating manner. He does so offhandedly, as a manifestation of his genuine character. To be morally repugnant, one needs to be purposeful, to deliberate and contemplate the options and then to prefer evil to good, wrong over right. No ethical or moral judgement is possible without an act of choice.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq57.html

Like narcissists, psychopaths lack empathy and regard other people as mere instruments of gratification and utility or as objects to be manipulated. Psychopaths and narcissists have no problem to grasp ideas and to formulate choices, needs, preferences, courses of action, and priorities. But they are shocked when other people do the very same.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders16.html

As opposed to most narcissists, psychopaths are either unable or unwilling to control their impulses or to delay gratification. They use their rage to control people and manipulate them into submission.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders15.html

Ani is contemptuous towards the "meek and weak". Life is hostile, one long cruel battle, no holds barred. Only the fittest survive. Is he one of the fittest? He shows signs of unease and contrition but soon I find out that he merely regrets having been caught. It depresses him to face incontrovertible proof that he is not as intellectually superior to others as he had always believed himself to be.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders66.html

A narcissist would tend to display the sadistic aspect of his personality in one of two cases:

That the very acts of sadism generate Narcissistic Supply to be consumed by the narcissist ("I inflict pain, therefore I am superior"), or

That the victims of his sadism are still his only or major Sources of Narcissistic Supply but are perceived by him to be intentionally frustrating and withholding. Sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance, and special entitlement.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html

The Sadistic Personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of gratuitous cruelty, aggression, and demeaning behaviors which indicate the existence of deep-seated contempt for other people and an utter lack of empathy. Some sadists are "utilitarian": they leverage their explosive violence to establish a position of unchallenged dominance within a relationship. Unlike psychopaths, they rarely use physical force in the commission of crimes. Rather, their aggressiveness is embedded in an interpersonal context and is expressed in social settings, such as the family or the workplace.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders31.html

Why did he force the mother to dump her by now limp and profusely bleeding infant daughter outside the door? If she were a proper caretaker none of this would have happened. He wanted to show her wretched family who is the only boss in the household. "They were getting on my nerves, her mother and sister. They needed some re-education, like in them Chinese camps."- he chuckles. They all claim to be terrified of him and intimidated by his capricious and violent behavior. "I sure hope so!" - he smirks.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders59.html

The abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active aid of their victims – over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse9.html

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html