Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi everyone,

I know NC is the recommendation on this forum, but my situation is that I live with my NM. I do not feel it is good for me, but at the moment it is where I am. I am very isolated and do not have any outside contacts who could help me. To tell the truth, I feel so vulnerable and so fearful I don't know how to change my situation. I never learned the skills I needed to protect myself in the outside world. I was trained by my NM to submit, to obey, to concern myself with her feelings not my own. I am trying to look at my being here as a choice I am making, a choice to stay with what is "familiar," because I know I have the option to leave, if I could just gain the strength. I have learned a lot about NPD and have gotten a lot of understanding about my NM's behaviors, how to identify and understand them within the context of the disorder. I also feel I have gotten at not reacting to her provocations and attempts to start drama and not allowing myself to express anger to her. Expressing anger is not really an option for me because if I do that she threatens me--she will tell me I need to leave, threaten to throw all of my things out into the street, etc. I remember a few times when I was younger during arguments she threatened to call the 'mental institution' to have me taken away. I know these are just empty, threats and her way of keeping me quiet and controlling the situation but since I have been living with these threats since a very young age, it is difficult for me to detach from them and not to feel fear. So all in all I feel I have made some progress in setting boundaries and standing up for myself and not allowing her to engage me in drama to create scenes which she then uses to her advantage to place blame and issue threats. The problem is that even if I am doing better outwardly, I feel I am not doing any better inwardly. I am still in a complete wreck internally every time the latest drama or boundary violation occurs, every time she works on my emotions in the same old ways, every time she represents herself as a martyr, every time she threatens. Recently I became aware of a huge boundary violation, something she had been hiding to me. When I confronted her with this she was the picture of complete innocence. She "thought she was being helpful," she told me. I still doubt my own perceptions when she portrays herself as the helpful, self-sacrificing good intentioned martyr of a mother and myself as the bad kid who is not measuring up and giving her what she needs and deserves. I want to be able to see all of this as part of her disorder and let it go, not let it get to me--but I do not feel I am succeeding well. Even though I understand it intellectually, I feel there is something a lot deeper within me that keeps undermining me. I am still getting caught up in the emotional dramas she presents and in the emotions, like guilt and self-hatred, she trained me to feel when I disagreed with her or did not submit to her. So I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions for ways to keep one's inner strength, calm and clarity, when dealing with N behaviors, or can recommend any good books that might help me in my situation. Thanks.

Sounds to me like you're doing pretty good. You're in the early stages of realization....and reconciliation.

Yup, there is something deeper in you that is undermining you. It's called N brainwashing. You've been set up for these emotions. It really SUCKS.

Hang in there. If the rest of us can make it, so can you.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

It sounds like you are well aware of her manipulations--which is good. I know my NM likes to play the innocent martyr, excellent mother, victim of ungrateful child card. It is an act. It is like putting sweet frosting on the pile of rotting garbage that is her soul. I think that this is standard operating procedure for N parents.
It sounds like you are keeping your wits about you - but IMO we ACONs can't be totally healthy while we are in the midst of living with our abusers. So just try to keep coping until you have an opportunity to leave her house.
I left my NMs house the day after I graduated highschool. I struggled financially for many years. I lived in studio apartments over people's garages. I even joined the military to keep from going back to my NM and cold father. There have been some really hard times, but I've always been content in the fact that I didn't have to endure their crap.
I know living with these people can be draining and cause hopeless feelings, but I think you should constantly search out opportunities to leave her house.

Xana, you said...

"I know my NM likes to play the innocent martyr, excellent mother, victim of ungrateful child card. It is an act. It is like putting sweet frosting on the pile of rotting garbage that is her soul. I think that this is standard operating procedure for N parents."

That is sooooooo good, especially the frosting on the rotting garbage.

Ha Ha Ha Ha... You've made my day with this one! I'll probably giggle for the next few days.

Thanks GTMI

Celeb...How old are you?

You say you want to learn to "keep your inner strength, calm and clarity, while dealing with N behaviors". That's the very worst thing you could do in your situation. If it were possible, there wouldn't be so many here recommending NC as the only effective solution. Those of us who are suffering our own psychological problems and/or health compromises are not suffering them because we are weak or in some other way defective, but because we're strong and we foolishly believed that we could survive in Narc World. We were proven wrong when our bodies turned on us.

It's one thing when you're dealing with narcs in the workplace or narcs in the neighborhood or even narcs in the extended family. You can learn to deal with them, and succeed in many but not all cases. It's an entirely different thing when you live with the narc. In that case, you can only lose, and lose again, and lose some more. You might go along for decades thinking you've got it figured out, convinced that it doesn't bother you, but then your health will collapse. You'll find yourself stricken with cancer, or an autoimmune disorder, or early onset heart disease, or PTSD, or some combination of these things -- and in the usual case, with no one but the narc to turn to. The narc wins, and wins big, when she destroys you and then takes on the savior role. In many cases, the narc then uses this great power to further destroy you while elevating herself to heights previously unimagined.

You have already lost, and you are going to continue losing and lose more as time goes by.

celebeskalossi wrote:I never learned the skills I needed to protect myself in the outside world.

What in the outside world do you believe you need to be protected from?

Most of us, meaning humans, will die of natural causes. Not violent crime, not natural disaster, not war. Most of us who have internet access from our homes have little reason to fear famine. I suggest that the greatest risk to your health and well being is the pathological narcissist with whom you live, who will destroy your physical and possibly your mental health.

celebeskalossi wrote:I was trained by my NM to submit, to obey, to concern myself with her feelings not my own. I am trying to look at my being here as a choice I am making, a choice to stay with what is "familiar," because I know I have the option to leave, if I could just gain the strength.

But is it truly a choice? Or have you been mindfucked into believing that you are incompetent? I think goingtomakeit nailed it with "It's called N brainwashing. You've been set up for these emotions." And also with "It really SUCKS."

When I first found this forum, my wife and I were living with my parents whom I scornfully refer to as "the rat bastards". We'd given up our home that we dearly loved to help them in a time of great need as the ends of their lives drew near. I learned the hard way that pathological narcissists and psychopaths only grow worse with age and are intolerable as they near end of life. After just 19 months with the rat bastards we escaped, barely alive. My wife has PTSD that exacerbates a previously benign heart condition and for which we've visited the emergency room so often in the past two years that we've lost count of the visits. I've got an autoimmune disorder not quite in full remission that I didn't have two years ago. We were bankrupted by that misadventure, and I nearly lost my business, too. You really don't want to go down that same road, believe me.

Be well.

QGE is dead on when he talks about health effects.

In my situation, my health declined by phone attacks. And you're LIVING with the N?

Good God!

QGE is absolutely right. Living with those people can destroy you. I didn't stick around long enough to experience physical health effects, but my mental health was always dicey when I lived with my N parents in my teens. Being free of them is awesome.
Also, financially, as QGE pointed out, living with N parents isn't in your best interests. While the rent may be "free" or low cost, I'm willing to bet that she is siphoning off your money in other ways or she is taking up the time that you could be using to make money for yourself. I bet she doesn't want you to get on your feet.
Gods forbid it would ever come down to it- but honestly, I would rather live in a homeless or women's shelter than with my N parents. Maybe there is a shelter of some sort in your area that you can turn to for help. Because what she is doing to you is abuse.

-
Are you a full-time working adult earning a paycheck? If so, you should try to leave as soon as possible.
You will never be at peace until you put physical distance between yourself and your PM.

When I was in college (near home because the control freak wouldn't let me leave), she demanded my paychecks which I refused to turn over to her. Don't give ANY money over to your mother. Save it for your big escape. Leave as soon as you can even if you have to live in a private basement apartment (but not your mother's).
Then wean the parasite off of you.

You'll never be happier than when you have put physical distance between the two of you.
Next you must work on putting emotional distance by going very Low Contact, speaking by phone only once a month or so and limiting the time to under 30 minutes. If she ups the abusive demands, then you must go No Contact.

Assuming you are an adult over 21 and earning a full-time paycheck, living home with a PM is unacceptable. Intolerable!
No matter how old you are, the day you leave is the first day of the rest of your life.
Leaving is not A solution, it is the ONLY solution.
-

Dear Celeb,

I know its very hard to believe this when you're living with a Narc, but the only thing wrong with you that needs fixing is that you're living with a Narc. Qualities such as your empathy, your willingness to give and concede, your beautiful nature, and all the cute little imperfections that are your mark as an individual (that narcs use to shame you) are qualities which make you a very desirable person. You are desirable as a worker, as a spouse or lover, and as a friend , carer, or mother. In fact all those qualities that you possess are what really count in human relationships and makes them rich, which is something most Narcs never enjoy. Please don't let your mother belittle the great person that you are. I really hope you can find a way to live away from her, because the world needs more people like you in it.

X Serenity

celebeskalossi wrote:So I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions for ways to keep one's inner strength, calm and clarity, when dealing with N behaviors

As others have said, only one suggestion: Do whatever it takes to GET AWAY. I invited my elderly, pathetic, poor-mouthing widowed NM into our home and endured her for 16 months. It was a daily nightmare from which DH and I are still trying to recover, almost a year after she left. We are NC with my entire family, and realize with sadness that there is simply no other viable option.

celebeskalossi wrote:Hi everyone,

I am trying to look at my being here as a choice I am making, a choice to stay with what is "familiar," because I know I have the option to leave, if I could just gain the strength. I have learned a lot about NPD and have gotten a lot of understanding about my NM's behaviors, how to identify and understand them within the context of the disorder.

remember a few times when I was younger during arguments she threatened to call the 'mental institution' to have me taken away. I know these are just empty, threats and her way of keeping me quiet and controlling the situation but since I have been living with these threats since a very young age, it is difficult for me to detach from them and not to feel fear.

You dont need the strength to leave, just leave. Emply threats are just that, empty. She will criticize you - but remember, it is just a bunch of hot air to try to manipulate you into thinking she would do something, but she won't because you said it yourself - she has not done anything, just used criticism.

It is okay to feel fear - that is a normal reaction.

FEAR = F*** everything and run.

I do believe that Goodenough is correct,if you live witha narc - your problem is right there.

It is important to get a skill - any kind of skill so that you can be financially independant. That is NUMBER 1. If you can make a living from something you enjoy all the better. But you MUST get that skill, because that is your ticket to freedom.

The problem you have is that you are capable and that is the exact reason the Narc in your life is giving you a hard time. They instinctively that you are much more capable than they ever can be.

So just start out with a plan of escape, get a skill, get a way of earning money and then move away as far as you can. They will drain you every time and you won't even know they are doing it.

Please look around you and do a daily practice. Start with a few minutes everyday and gradually expand it as much as you can.

From the minute you wake up in the morning make it a mission to find something beautiful and concentrate on all that for the moment. Whether it is a piece of music, a painting, a walk in the park, a pet, a flower, a cool breeze on a hot day, a warm breeze on a cool day - anything at all which lifts your spirits, even for a moment - latch onto that and breath it in with every fibre of your being. Try and do that every single day. Dont' tell anybody you are doing it - its just for you.

That excercise alone will build your inner health in marvelous ways and it is something that narcs don't seem able to do. Dont tell anyone what you are doing, but be prepared for people to regard you differently, especially the narc because they will feel threatened by it. They, afterall want to pull you into their shadow world - but you will be living at a higher vibration. Things will be very clear for you once you master this technique and the old burdens will fall away.

Give it a go and know that you will improve your situation, you just need a little focus.

Thanks to everyone who replied. There are a lot of good ideas and suggestions here. This gives me a lot to think about.

I am not doing too well at the moment. Since I called NM on her last boundary violation and stated some firm boundaries about it she has been desperately looking for ways to tighten her control and to find fault with me. Her response to my creating some firm limits was to express what a tragedy this was for *herself." Since I have called her on a lot of her behaviors and been trying hard to set and reinforce boundaries (it takes a lot of repetition before she stops doing something I ask her not to, or even diminishes what she's doing), I can see she is struggling to find ways to criticize me and make me feel guilty while still maintaining an image of a "reasonable person" and a "innocent mother."

I am going to try to explore possibilities for getting out of here, but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed at the thought of how to do it. The city where I live is pricey, and the most I'd probably be able to afford at the moment is a room. I am an artist so I have very little money. I hoped at some time I'd be able to make enough money doing my art to get away and be on my own, but although I've gotten some recognition for my work, it is not lucrative for me. I always thought I'd be on my own by now, but I'm not. I don't even have my own car. I also don't have professional skills, so I am worried what will happen to me if I leave, I am worried about needing to work a low-paying job just to pay rent each month and not having any more time and energy to do my art, which is the one thing which has helped me to survive until now. I managed to keep doing my art despite years of emotional terrorism from NM, who opposed me every step of the way and enlisted other family members to apply pressure as well. So I am afraid if I have no longer have time or energy to do my art, I will be unhappy for different reasons. I made many sacrifices just to get this far artistically. I also don't have a lot of confidence interacting with the outside world. It seems like for most of my life I ended up involved with people like people in my family and didn't know how to stand up for myself when they became controlling and abusive. Now I know how to recognize N traits and I feel confident I can identify an N and at least get away from that person rather than stay and take it. To a certain extent I think that should allow me to protect myself against Ns in the future. but the world still seems scary to me generally.

Wondering if your creative ability wouldn't be fully unleashed if you got the hell out of there.

Get that small room. Forget the low paying job. I know people that clean houses and make great money. No stress and home by 2-3 pm with $100-150 per day in their pocket with plenty of time to pursue their interests.

Considering it myself.

celebeskalossi wrote:I actually feel a bit overwhelmed, and I feel a little nervous about posting her for fear my NM will find this.

It's preventable. Use Firefox with the Distrust addon, and make sure you always always always enable that addon when you visit this site and disable it again when you leave so it will clean up after you/itself. That way there are no traces left behind on your computer from your use of this site. Bookmarks are another matter -- you don't want this site bookmarked. Fortunately it's easy enough to type thepsychopath.freeforums.org into the location bar of your browser. If you've got any reason at all to worry about her snooping on the network, use whichever Tor addon you like or an anonymizing proxy that you always use over SSL so everything is encrypted on the network.

Physical security is a bit more difficult. If she might walk up on you while you're here, always keep another browser tab open that you can very quickly switch to if she appears.

When I was living with my PM and NF, I used an anonymizing proxy server and Distrust -- and switched tabs very quickly at least once and usually several times each day. It worked well for me.

celebeskalossi wrote:I am not doing too well at the moment. Since I called NM on her last boundary violation and stated some firm boundaries about it she has been desperately looking for ways to tighten her control and to find fault with me.

You dared to stand up for yourself and now she wants to knock you back down. It will be like this for as long as you remain enmeshed with a narc. Any narc.

celebeskalossi wrote:They just want me to painfully aware of what a huge sacrifice it is for them to me give anything at all to me and how I am thereby indebted to them for the rest of my life. In other words, they are capable of giving materially--all they want in return is my soul!

Yep... typical narc behavior. Give a narc enough time, he'll kill you.

celebeskalossi wrote:Could this mean NM is aware of the harm she has done to me over the years?

Of course. Narcs are always aware of the damage they do because it is intentionally inflicted.

celebeskalossi wrote:I am going to try to explore possibilities for getting out of here, but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed at the thought of how to do it. The city where I live is pricey, and the most I'd probably be able to afford at the moment is a room.

A room is what you've got now, isn't it? Aren't there other cities that might be better suited to your needs?

One good thing about taking just a room at first is that it is very economical and can allow you to take the next step with better financial reserves. You'll be needing at least a bit of furniture, cookware, linens, those kinds of things -- so there's more to it than just the rent if you're going to be completely on your own, without roommates. Taking a room then moving up from there will get your feet wet with no real danger of going in over your head.

celebeskalossi wrote:I am an artist so I have very little money.

That old joke is true: You know how you can tell when a guy with a liberal arts degree knocks on your door? He's carrying a pizza.

"Professional skills" are not essential. My daughter and son-in-law are supporting their family of five just fine on the wages and tips of a bartender (him) and a server (her). They live in a nice suburban house in a safe neighborhood with good schools, they have health and life insurance, and are not struggling to make ends meet. They'll never get rich, but they're doing just fine for a couple of 20-somethings with three kids.

It's doable. When I struck out on my own I had my clothing and some cast-off cookware and linens that were given to me and not by my parents. Instead of a "sound system" I picked up a used clock radio at a thrift shop -- that's where I got my first coffee maker, my first toaster, and several other of my firsts. Later when I was feeling flush, that's where I got my first stereo, too. It's doable!

Not only is it doable, it's doable by you.

Be well, friend.

gettingthere wrote:-
Are you a full-time working adult earning a paycheck? If so, you should try to leave as soon as possible.
You will never be at peace until you put physical distance between yourself and your PM.
-

I agree. It's very hard to grow up unless you get the heck out. If you're over 18 years old, able-bodied and single, there's no good enough excuse not to try, even though it's scary.

I lived with my NM until I was 24, and she wasn't nearly as bad as your PM. The last straw for me was when she called me at work to demand I come home immediately to disconnect the cable TV that was interfering with the colors on her TV. It was then I concluded she was interfering with my lifestyle.

NM continued to control me into my mid-30's, when I began setting boundaries. It wasn't until my late 40's I read about NPD and concluded she had it. At age 49 I decided I was going to stop serving her and become My Own Person ... whether she liked it or not.

I hope your journey doesn't take as long as mine. I sure did waste a lot of years at her service.

P.S. Narcissists fear abandonment, which seems ironic considering they try to facilitate it by behaving atrociously. The next time your PM verbally abuses you, try telling her to "shut up," followed by your quick exit from the room, or better yet, from the house. For a short while, she just might respect your backbone and behave herself. (Narcissists really are cowards deep down inside.)

Retired from NM, I notice you say PM rather than NM... Is there something that gives you the impression my mother is more of a P than an N? Just curious... I have read about both, but ultimately found the distinctions a bit blurry, so settled for narc...

I'm in my late 30s... so I guess I've already wasted way too many years of my life... I actually feel foolish and sick when I think about it, and feel angry at myself for not leaving sooner... I don't understand why I have accepted living in pain and fear for so long... I did not really learn about NPD or abusive family systems until a couple of years ago, when I began reading and gaining understanding... I knew I didn't feel comfortable with my mother and always felt bad being around her but I just thought all families were like my family and there was something wrong with me... when I did finally learn about NPD it was not even because of my mother's behavior but because of a woman I became involved with who I now realize was very much like NM and treated me the same way... It was in trying to research and understand the behaviors of this woman, like pathological lying, that I learned about NPD... But it took me months afterward to really believe and understand that my mother had the same sort of character traits as this woman... I had to make lists.. write down memories, keep track of behaviors before I could actually convince myself it was so... I think part of this is because she is so good at concealing lies and mixing lies with truth, because she can effortlessly and seemingly instantaneously switch between different attitudes like starting out as aggressive and threatening and if I don't buckle before that switching to sentimental and pleading, and because she has consistently represented herself to me for my entire life as the victim of other people and of myself... she has always able to turn things around... I can remember how every time I confronted her with a hurtful behavior of hers and expressed anger or unhappiness, she would somehow turn me into the criminal and threaten me with things she knew I feared... suddenly I was there having to prove myself to her... justify myself to her... serve her and her needs... to try and counter the threat... and her hurtful behavior and any responsibility she might have for what she did just magically disappeared.... it is really insane--thinking about all of this I feel ill... I know that tactic now and don't fall for it, but I fell for it for over three decades...

I don't even understand how people like this can really exist... sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me--how can any of this be real?

I don't think telling her to "shut up" would be a good idea at all... she would respond to that with total hysteria... probably threaten to throw my things out, claim abuse, threaten to call the police, whatever.... she'll do whatever is most dramatic and she knows will scare the hell out of me... and they may be empty threats ultimately, but internally I wouldn't be able to handle it... she keeps raising her threats now because I have called her bluff a few times in the more recent past... I don't have any resilience against the emotional stress of that kind of situation and when in it her threats don't seem empty to me... I don't realize they are empty till they pass... she probably senses that and that may be one of the reasons she is quick to create that kind of situation when she feels her power and authority are threatened...

so I think the best thing for me to do is keep trying to not react to her and not let her engage me.. keep a low profile.. and avoid being around her as much as possible while I make my plan to get out... I feel resolved to get out now though... I feel I need to do it and that I can do it...

celebeskalossi wrote:I feel resolved to get out now though... I feel I need to do it and that I can do it...

Of course you can do it -- I can see it in your words. You're intelligent and perceptive, and you're certainly very capable of dedicating yourself to something and seeing it through even if it's difficult, e.g. your art which hasn't provided you with financial security but to which you remain dedicated anyway. That kind of stick-to-it-iveness will serve you well.

Helen Keller famously said, "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." I'm inclined to agree. I've been self employed for a dozen years now, as they say "trading the illusion of security for the illusion of freedom". In fact I do have a lot more freedom now than I used to have. I might work more hours per year than my Regular Joe Job friends, but I do have much more freedom and control of my situation than most, and more security, too. Maybe a copy of PhotoShop could turn your passion for art into a commercially viable career?

It's doable. You might have to chart your own course, you might have to suffer a bit to make it happen, but what the hell? You're suffering already, and the suffering you're doing is of the sort that no one should ever have to endure.

I look forward to reading about your upcoming adventure. Be well!

celebeskalossi wrote:Retired from NM, I notice you say PM rather than NM... Is there something that gives you the impression my mother is more of a P than an N? Just curious... I have read about both, but ultimately found the distinctions a bit blurry, so settled for narc...

No. When gettingthere described your NM as "PM," I assumed that's what you had concluded she was. (I haven't been on these forums in awhile, so I haven't read your other threads.) I'll refer to your "mother" as NM from now on. :)

I don't even understand how people like this can really exist... sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me--how can any of this be real?

Your NM probably was emotionally abused and/or neglected in early childhood, and now her brain is "broken," causing her to behave like a perpetual 6-year-old (she's stuck at that emotional age). My great grandmother was abusive, then my grandmother, then my NM; i.e., the abuse was passed down from generation-to-generation.

so I think the best thing for me to do is keep trying to not react to her and not let her engage me.. keep a low profile.. and avoid being around her as much as possible while I make my plan to get out... I feel resolved to get out now though... I feel I need to do it and that I can do it...

Yes! Avoid her, plan your escape and leave. Choose a location where there's no chance you will bump into her. Set a deadline so you don't procrastinate. How does December 1st sound?

By the way, don't tell her you're planning to move out, or else she'll punish you more (if that's at all possible). To avoid the drama, move out when she's not at home (you probably don't have much stuff in your one room), and leave her a note telling her you've moved out and you'll contact her when you get settled. Do not give her your new address and telephone number; you need to be able to control the contacts, if any, you have with her. You also may wish to let the police know your situation, in case your NM calls them claiming you're a missing person; the police understand some people are crazies.

I'm excitedly anticipating your post here telling us you've escaped.

QuiteGoodEnough wrote:You say you want to learn to "keep your inner strength, calm and clarity, while dealing with N behaviors". That's the very worst thing you could do in your situation. If it were possible, there wouldn't be so many here recommending NC as the only effective solution. Those of us who are suffering our own psychological problems and/or health compromises are not suffering them because we are weak or in some other way defective, but because we're strong and we foolishly believed that we could survive in Narc World. We were proven wrong when our bodies turned on us.

Thanks for saying that, QGE.

QuiteGoodEnough wrote:
That old joke is true: You know how you can tell when a guy with a liberal arts degree knocks on your door? He's carrying a pizza.

p.s. here's the pizza you ordered

PerformanceFootwear wrote:p.s. here's the pizza you ordered

But I ordered a rib eye steak!

RetiredFromNM wrote:By the way, don't tell her you're planning to move out, or else she'll punish you more (if that's at all possible). To avoid the drama, move out when she's not at home (you probably don't have much stuff in your one room), and leave her a note telling her you've moved out and you'll contact her when you get settled. Do not give her your new address and telephone number; you need to be able to control the contacts, if any, you have with her. You also may wish to let the police know your situation, in case your NM calls them claiming you're a missing person; the police understand some people are crazies.

SECONDED!

As has been pointed out before, the narc's greatest fear is abandonment. When a narc's victim, particularly a scapegoat, leaves him he is confronted by the reality of his disowned self and the falsity of his fantasy self. The damage done by narcs throughout their lives has the single purpose of avoiding exactly this situation, so they'll pull out all of the stops to prevent it. When you're leaving a narc, you must keep your plans secret, and if you cannot make the physical break in the narc's absence you want to make it as suddenly and quickly as possible to hopefully put the narc into a state of shock, preferably with at least one assistant/witness present and always at your side to moderate the narc's behavior.

Remember that what you're planning is your new life, not merely an escape from the old one. A strict LC or even NC will be required to prevent the narc from devoting great energy to sabotaging your new life and coming at you from every possible angle to do it. It's common for narcs to use every means of information gathering at their disposal to determine how best to use family, friends, clergy, physicians, landlords, employers, and the police to attack. Your future vulnerability will be in proportion to information and accessibility, so as PFW said, it's best to keep your whereabouts and means of contact secret from the narc.

Reading about all of this probably makes it all seem like a massive load of bother, but in my experience I actually found it fun and exciting. It was in a way like beating the narcs at their own game, working a scheme to accomplish our own ends without detection and with no concern for the emotional consequences that would certainly be paid by someone else. Unlike the narc's game, though, those emotional consequences were very much deserved by the ones who got stuck with them.

Wishing you the very best and rooting for you all the way.