Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

want_to_learn · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 33 Location: Scotland, UK

Hi...I don't know your son or your circumstances and am not a professional in this field either so can only say what I have learned from my own personal experiences. I would not ever give P here money or anything else.......my grand father used to ask everybody who walked through his door to lend him half a crown( few pence these days.lol)....and he did this so that they wouldn't ask him to borrow money......the only way I have survived my daughter is by being one jump ahead of her all the time.and what I learned from this site etc has been invaluable.sometimes I feel as if I have been addicted to the site..lol.....every time you give your son anything, its never enough and every time you do it, he is sneering at you and sees it as a weakness.......you keep your hard earned money for yourself.if he wants money, he needs to earn it.

wahela11 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 182 Location: Iowa

I agree, WTL, that if you are giving money and other things to the NP, he will use you as far as he can. If you stop giving to the NP, he will not come around as much, but at least will not expect "the world" from you and your family members. If he is supporting himself, there are boundaries around you, he will either be pleasant or he will be gone. At least he won't be expecting you to give him everything. Because we usually end up giving them everything and its still never enough.

You could give "everything + 10%" and he would want more.

Take care. wahela
_________________
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time, hoping for a different ending

teatime2001 · Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Utah

Thank you both, anything I do for him is never enough. He can be so nice until I limit what I will do for him and he can be violent and loud. He always throws up what I do for my other children, but they don't ask for much. It sounds like you two have been where I am at. Thank you for the posts
Teatime

wahela11 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 182 Location: Iowa

Teatime, you said;

He can be so nice until I limit what I will do for him and he can be violent and loud.

One of the main problems that I had when around the P stepdaughters was why do I fear them getting angry? Why do I have to bend over backwards to make them happy, at the cost of my own happiness, so that they don't blow up? We are conditioned to work hard to make our children happy. We don't want them miserable and unhappy. So we do everything to make them happy, thinking "maybe THIS time, they will be appreciative." Well, I've learned since then that we can do nothing to make them happy. They are either happy or unhappy on their own. Our giving them money doesn't make them happy. It merely placates them until the next time something comes up.

so I've decided that I should have let it all go. Treated them all the same. And if she blows up, oh well. She can get as unhappy as she wants, its not going to change things to be unfair and leaning toward her (as all NPs say everybody else got the good stuff and the breaks from me). If your son gets violent and blows up, kick his azz out. Or call the cops. If he's being nice, he can stay. If he isn't being nice, he can be gone. He is using your fear against you. He thinks (and rightly so until now) that you fear him enough to give him what he wants. You need to somehow change that so he knows you are strong enough that you will be fair, whether or not he likes it. And if you don't give him money, cigs, beer, the car, etc. and you always stick to that, he will give up on expecting it. He may be angry, but he doesn't have to be around you. Maintain boundaries of steel, and always be consistent (like they say about 6 year olds), and always have the same each and every time, for all of your children. He may think its unfair, but that's his game.

Take care. wahela
_________________
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time, hoping for a different ending

teatime2001 · Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Utah

Wahela Thanks for the post. You are so right. I was always worried about upsetting my son. When I did call the police they would put him in jail for a short time. I have'nt talked to him for months. I hope he stays away for a long time. I think we all live with the worry of having to deal with them and what are they going to do next.
Thank you, teatime

femfree · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 667

HI Teatime. Showing weakness to the NP is not a good thing to do. You may have to call the police 1000 times and the P may go to jail 1000 times, that's the way it is when we're dealing with a P. Your child needs protection as do you.

Don't back down. not ever
_________________
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer;
nothing is more difficult than to understand him.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

wahela11 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 182 Location: Iowa

Teatime, unfortunately with the NP children, they sit and wait and watch for an opening. They hope for a day when we are weak, sick, tired, whatever. Because that is their game plan. (And I hate to compare it, but they are like a lion watching for the slowest antelope, LOL)

You have to be really consistent. If you let things slide one time, he will expect it again and again, and will push more. Lots of people leaving an N relationship, we tell them "if he calls 99 times, and you finally can't stand it and answer on the 100th call, he will know that if he calls 100 times you will answer." then they can't figure out why he calls 200 times, expecting you to answer.

If you have to call the Police 100 times, and he finallly figures out that you will call the Police, hopefullly he will figure it out. That you are going to call the Police each and every time he behaves badly. Maybe then he will either stay away when he is in that mood, or he will learn (finally, they learn slowly, Laughing

) that he needs to regulate his behavior.

Its tough, but these are things "normies" learn in gradeschool. The NPs just fought learning these simple things because its far easier to push and push for what they want.

Take care.

wahela
_________________
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time, hoping for a different ending

teatime2001 · Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Utah

wahela You are so right. I have always thought he would get older and calm down and be normal. He's 30 has'nt changed much. I have'nt talked to him for months, life is calm. I hope it stays that way. I love your saying at the end of your posts. The hard part is not doing the same thing over and over.
Thanks, Teatime

apsychgirl · Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Dear want_to_learn:

I am new to this message board. I want to thank you so much for your comment, "every time you give your son anything, its never enough and every time you do it, he is sneering at you and sees it as a weakness.......you keep your hard earned money for yourself.if he wants money, he needs to earn it."

Wow! What an open opener!