Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi guys,

I'm new to the forums, and I'm not too sure if most people on here have a conservative or liberal background, but i hope you guys can see past that and really give me some insight about my situation. Also, I apologize in advance if this thread is in the wrong place, or if the reading is too long.

I had first met this guy online and we sparked and talked for 6 hours the first night. He started to tell me that he graduated from the Santa Clara University with a Bachelor's in International Business, and he had left his previous boyfriend because he had cheated on him. When i was on break from school, i came home and we finally had met and i consider myself to pretty psychologically aware of people, and red flag number one was on the first date. So, we were walking to a restaurant to have dinner and there is a mother and little toddler that was walking in front of us, and he said "wouldn't it be funny if just kicked this kid in front of us," and i was incredibly turned off by him. He then asked me if something was wrong, and if i wanted to go home, and i said "YES!." When we got back to his car, he wouldn't leave my car! He started crying and said he was acting weird because his brother died back in Ohio, and for me to give him another chance. In my head, i was thinking " a normal person would just leave and move on with their lives." We kept in touch, and eventually i fell for him, and as a acquiescent person, i trusted that everything he told me was the truth.

For the next year, our relationship was probably perfect. This man gave me everything, and yes, he paid for everything. He would always take me out to dinner and always bought me clothes (I was still an undergrad at the University of California), and i really believed that it represented that he was loving towards me. Somewhere around October of 2008, I started to realize that he was a pathological liar, and sadly, that's all i thought it was and after comprehensively browsing threads online about pathological lying, i chose to stay and possible see through it. Somewhere during New years of 2009, i found E-mails of him replying to threads of local sex groups, and and extensive E-mails about him saying how "he can't wait to go back," and etc. I confronted him, and he said it just turned him on to lead these guys on E-mail threads. Somewhere around February, I felt like i had a UTI, and yeah its not so common for guys to get UTI. So, my doctor gave me back the results and said i had gonorrhea, and she told me that i had to have a serious talk with my bf. I talked to him, and he swore on his mom's life that he would never cheat on me. Actually, he was soo pissed off at me for even questioning his loyalty and blamed me for not having trust. As a person who majors in microbiology and bacteria, you would think that i would be smart enough to know that gonorrhea doesn't come from thin air right? well, nope i was soo in love that i believed him and just thought i got gonorrhea magically somehow. Anyways, our relationship was perfect, so maybe i felt like it wasn't worth it to even pursue the issue further. During the last six months of school, he was very supportive financially in that he pretty much put money in my account to help pay for rent, food, and he would buy me clothes (and this was the part of our relationship that i thought was not characteristic of sociopaths, and hope that you guys can give some thorough input on if it should even be accounted).

Fast forwarding to the climax, which was this past August 2009, i had found E-mails and text of him talking to a few other guys. I confronted him and he said they were just friends. One of the E-mails was a conversation that consisted of something like this: "Here's my address," "Are you outside?" and "Did you make it home okay?" Of course, i believed him again that he only went out with this guy at 12AM at night to just make a friend, because i felt sorry for him, because he didn't really have a lot of friends like myself. The other guy, he said lived in southern california, which is about 4-5 hours away for northern california, so i was like whatever, you can keep in touch with him. (BTW, all of this is when i moved back home) somehow, i found out that the guy actually lived in the same city as us, so i just told him it was over. He threw his phone at me and said "here keep the phone," and i just went to bed. At 3AM, another guy started text messaging him about a threesome. This is when i decided to just cut him out of my life. He then threatened to suicide for two weeks, and i stood by his side, because i just couldn't leave someone like that. All of a sudden, he spontaneously felt better and he met someone that same weekend, and meets a new guy and leaves me for him! He was in a full blown relationship with the guy, and i just didnt understand how anybody can do that. So, i was pretty messed up for about a month, laying on the floor crying every day. He came to see me once, and just called me pathetic and said that to give him a week and he'll come back after he just hangs out with his friends (he didn't know that i knew he was in a new relationship.) After about a month of healing, i finally got myself off the floor and started to live a normal life again, and he decides to come back. I went to the beach with him, just to see if we can get some sort of closure or be on good terms. He saw that i was happy and started arguing with me, and i kind of blew up because i have not done a single thing wrong in the relationship. he then punched me in the face and said that he loves the new guy after a month. I was literally shocked, and he just left me to take the bus home about 20 miles from home, but worth it than to be in a car with someone like that. After another a couple weeks, he came back begging for me back and saying he loves me and for me to just take him back and start over. I took him back, and then the next day he changes his mind and watches me cry for another 3 hours. uggh. He left me alone for about a month, and now for the past 3 weeks, he's been stalking me(sometimes sitting outside my house for four hours), sends me endless E-mails with videos of himself crying and saying "these tears are real, and its because i love you." I took him back one last time this past week, and then he said he won't leave his new bf for me because he's in love and that all my friends know the truth about him, so he doesnt want to come back anymore.. I thought to my head, WHY ALL THE ENDLESS E-mails of begging me back and sitting outside of my house??

Anyways, there is so much more to the story, but it's just so much to tell. However, i did find out he lied about his degree ( he never graduated or attended a university), he lied about where he worked, he made up friends on facebook and left himself comments, he always tried to extravagantly impress my friends. I did confront him many times claiming he was a sociopath and he never once denied it(I could give atleast 10 more serious lies that require more background.) I also found about 4 HIV tests within the last 6 months, and we didn't have sex(ever since the gonorrhea thing) so i'm pretty sure he was having a lot of sex outside our relationship for him get tested, and he knows that i wouldn't be of any risk to him.

He pretty much fits a sociopath to a "T", but i would really like to get everyone's opinion on the fact that he was such a good boyfriend to me (of course, because i know the truth, he wasn't). He must have spent tens of thousands of dollars on me just buying me clothes, helping with rent, taking me out, trips and stuff( he was financially able to)


So was it possible that money wasn't of much value to me, and because i was such a good person and a good catch, and that was what he was after? Because, i pretty much feel souless after all of this.

I also did get the opportunity to ask him how he could just leave me on the floor crying, literally. his response was " i just didn't care, and i just wanted to have fun, and i know that you would always take me back." sickening, huh?

Is he truly a sociopath?

Firstly, welcome to the board, Son3, and be proud of who you are. You're not alone here on this forum.

N, Ps, Ss, they're all the same, gay, straight, or omnivorous.
We don't diagnose on this forum, but your descriptions add up to this guy being a nasty piece of work, with those sorts of characteristics. The cycle of going back and being treated worse than before is very typical.

Actually, he was soo pissed off at me for even questioning his loyalty and blamed me for not having trust.

Oh yes, been there too. They turn it back onto us like it is our fault, when they are guilty as hell. They'd lie about what colour socks they were wearing just for the kick of lying.
Even if he had 'only' been a pathological liar, would you really want to be wtih a guy who lied all the time ?? Like you say, you can't trust someone like that.

You are far better off without him, and as long as you stay out of contact - No Contact - with him, you will start to feel better. You will get through and beyond this, and you're worthy of a far better man with real love to give. I'm guessing you're still in school, so you have many years ahead in which to be happy once you've worked through this, learnt some very valuable life lessons which will stand you in good stead, and moved on. Listen to your gut ! See those red flags and TAKE ACTION IMMEDIATELY. I noticed the red flags at the start too, didn't act till a long time later. Shoulda run too.

re the giving - you're not going to like this much, and I'm sorry. I think they 'give' in the sense that they are buying an object and paying money for it. Because that's all we are to them : objects, things, whatever. His money bought your compliance and goodwill towards him, and gave him control. Your compliance only earned his disdain, unfortunately. When they fund us, they see us as weak and dependent, and abusable. Being giving may also have implied he wanted to control you for a longer period of time than just a one-nighter. That wasn't a compliment, coming from him. You really don't want someone like that sticking around in your life. You owe him nothing.

On the other hand, you owe it to yourself to look after yourself the best you can. Give yourself time to heal. No Contact is where your solution lies.
Keep posting, read these boards. There's a lot of useful information and shared experience here, and we're here to support each other.

Hey Axle,

Thanks for the warm welcome and comprehensive reply. I believe the last piece of reassurance i needed was regarding the whole money situation. I mainly hear that sociopaths like to take money, but since he was giving me money, i kept questioning whether he was a sociopath. With that said, I'm glad to be a part of this forum, and i'm definitely going to be proactive in helping people on these forums.

My advice to anyone with a sociopath: Sometimes, despite all the pain, we really have to see it as an advantage with the S, N, or P finally screwing us over. Use the horrid situations to let yourself migrate to a point where you know a rational person would not stay with a person like this. Also, red flags are so important and they are there for a reason, and if you decide not to leave, utilize them as reminders to not completely break down the walls you've built. Also, always question uncanniness, grandiose, and gregarious personalities; for they are major red flags.

When the bomb explodes, and the dust is finally settling, evaluate what you have learned about yourself in the years you've spent. For me, I learned that i can love, i'm faithful, and i'm commited. He changed me for the good. Yes, he won the game that he threw me in, but i won the degree of surviving a sociopath (just don't let him know you've won in any way. They'll find a way to destroy it.)

He left me three months ago, harrasses me daily, scarred me for life, and last time i contacted him was yesterday. I pray that this will be the last time he badgers me, but at the end of the day i'm miserable. Somehow, I understand life, and i see the beauty of it and the opportunities to meet the 96 percent of good-loving people. I find the best ways for self-therapuetics is reading, exercising, and having good conversation with genuine friends. If you find yourself having a hard time to do things, know that just breathing, sleeping, and eating sometimes gets me through the day. I know one day that i will be a more amazing person than i have ever been because i choose to learn from it. I hope my point of view of grieving and healing inspires people here. I know i still have a long journey, but if anybody wants to talk, i'm definitely open to discussing feelings. =D

Dear Son3,
Here's a big hug from me!! ((((((((son3))))))))))))))
Bless your heart, that's so much to go through. He sounds so much like my stupid exP. The things he did to you are sure typical behavior for a P, even though we do not diagnose here, this is the behavior I see.
Axle gave some great advice here; No Contact and I mean none, is the only way to protect yourself from further harm. Also, Axle was right about the red flag thing. I'm an older person, and I have learned in my life and many mistakes that you can tell a lot about a person's character by observing the way they treat animals, children, the elderly or disabled, or basically anyone or anything weak and unable to fight back, or in good circumstances, to thank somebody for a good turn. The remark he made about the little child was totally inappropriate. Not funny.
I also learned that when a person says one thing and does another, believe the actions rather than the words.
I hope you will quickly be on the mend!! Welcome to the forum; we are here for you with open arms and wide shoulders.

Love,
Aquarius

Hi, Son3. Welcome! I'm so sorry about your experiences with this creep. One alarming thing that I thought of immediately after reading your posts is that you need to hide from him. Can you change your number(s), email(s) and maybe even move? He sounds like bad news and since you have made the decision to stay away, the last thing you need is him harrassing you. He may even be stalking you just for fun, these sickos like to play with people unfortunatley.
Hang in there, the first days are the toughest. Sounds like you have a great plan for survival, eat, sleep, exercise, etc. Live!
Good luck and keep posting!
Kiersten

Hi Son3,

I found something similar to this while reading. I'll try to attach a link.

~G
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-misanthropic-altruist-philanthropy-as-sadistic-narcissism/menu-id-1469/#

Thanks a lot Garnet. That article is right on point with my situation and actually very hard to read, because it reminds me of how i fell for it. I've been having such a hard time finding information of sociopaths that don't take money, but yet give. I've had a lot of time to really think back and figure everything out, and sometimes i look back and imagine if there was a devil, he would be how i imagine him. Also, thanks to everybody for the welcomes. I'm still interested on more opinions and discussions. hope to hear from more soon. thanks!

P.S. Because he always supported me financially, it was on of the main reasons i WENT BACK/STAYED. So, for anybody going through a similar situation i advise you to "put yourself in their shoes." When i did this, i realized that working another shift to help support someone i love is extremely easy, but all of the bad things that he did to me were far beyond abnormal and i couldn't even imagine myself doing it a stranger on the street.

"Their munificence is an abusive defence mechanism, intended to avoid real intimacy."

Ah, yes. Intimacy, the one thing i've never experienced in the relationship. =l

I understand what you’re going through. It’s all very hard to digest. Especially the feeling of being duped—you fell in love with an image.

Putting yourself in their shoes doesn’t help. That is what they want you to do…sort of. Their pseudo-feelings are very contradictory. If you put yourself in their shoes you feel sorry for them. They have a disorder. They’re sick. Shouldn’t you pity them? That’s what they want for about 5 minutes. It keeps you in their grasp. But then wait…they don’t need that. It’s weakness. They’re not sick, they’re divine. Aren’t they above weakness? They hate weakness. They hate you. Yet they need you to reflect their image. They need the reflection to know they’re alive. So they pull out all the stops. They shower you with gifts, create dependency, tell you that they love you etc.etc. All the while you’re swinging on a pendulum along with them. Except you’re truly experiencing all the feelings. It’s excruciatingly painful. Their feelings are not the same as yours. There is no emotional correlate. Still you tend to oscillate between desire, pity …and yes, hate. You hate them for what they’ve done to you. Then you feel like shit for hating someone who is sick. Someone who you love. Hello guilt. And so on and so on.

Yes, putting yourself in their shoes is damn near impossible. You can’t fathom hurting another human being like that, nor can you understand or assign any rationale to their thinking and actions. The only hope is no contact. There is no saving this person. You have been victimized. You may have to sit with that for a long while until the wounds start to heal. But once the fog clears, you’ll begin to realize that you’re not a victim. You’re a survivor.

Take care,

-G

After I wrote that I realized that those are just my feelings. I've spent an extrodinarily amount of time thinking about it in an effort to heal. I don't feel it was time wasted, just time needed to come to grips with all that has happened to me. Your feeling may be totally different, but perhaps you can relate.
((((hugs)))).

Garnet,
It's really amazing that i was thinking that the other week. My friends and I had a get together to celebrate an engagement and i was telling them that i think he's a sociopath, but then i started to feel so bad for talking about someone that i truly love. I started to feel guilty and now i think i'm at a stage where i don't talk about it with anybody, because i don't want to feel guilt or pity him. Sometimes, garnet, i feel like it never happened and that i was in love with an "image." Thanks for posting, just to hear that you understand and, unfortunately, probably went through something similar, really helps me relive the feeling of being "alone."

OH BTW

When i said i had put myself in his shoes i meant only about the part with spending money. I feel that i misinterpreted the fact that money is just material and it doesn't necessary mean that someone actually cares about you. When i finally realized that if i was working, and not in school i could easily spend tons of money on someone i love, and it wouldnt be to show them that i love them.

Yeah, sometimes its hard explaining to friends what you're going through without coming off as the crazy one. There are plenty of people on this forum who are here to lend an ear if you ever feel like talking. You're not "alone" here my friend.
Have a good day.