Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

[motherless]

Hi, I'm new.

Are there any veterans out there who have successfully ended a codependent relationship with a narcissistic mother? I am almost 50 yrs old, and have only broken away properly within the last 18 months. It has been a long process (altogether about 3 yrs) of revelation, prayer, perseverance, determination, anger, confrontation, rage, despair, sadness, elation, freedom etc which has got me to the 'place' I am at now. I was completely deceived for almost 50 yrs!!! (how embarrasing!) and now I see the situation clearly. I am tired of thinking about my mother, and really want to move on, and just LIVE!! For this reason, I am not going to go into any of the past details. The situation at this time, is that I avoid any contact with my mother who is living nearby in an old age home. I am so relieved to be 'off the hook' as far as feeling responsible for her happiness is concerned. I have given myself permission to not feel guilty anymore, even when I know how unhappy she is with me.

The reason for this post is to try to understand why I feel the way I do, which is like this :

I feel an undercurrent of sadness to my mood all the time, even when I am happy or eg. laughing at my kids or dogs;
I am totally intolerant of lies that people tell, or lies printed in the media - it frustrates me intensely;
I am obssessed with being 'honest', especially with myself, and am trying hard to get to know the 'truths' in my heart, and to get to know myself;
I think I feel that I am a 'bad' person, although in my head I know I'm not, and I think I feel like this because I know that my mother is 100% unhappy with me and all my 'nonsense' all of the time;
I know, in her denial of the situation, she is just waiting for me to pull myself together and come back and apologise to her, so everything can get back to 'normal' and then life can carry on as it was before;
I know, with every fibre of my being, that I will never allow things to go back to what they were like for almost 50 yrs - I have reclaimed my right to 'healthy freedom' - I can never go back!!!
I want to be free from the thoughts and obssession with my mother;
I have chosen God's way, which is forgiveness, and although I have chosen to forgive my mother, I find it so difficult to soften my heart towards her;
It is almost as if the hardness I feel in my heart is protecting me from getting trapped in her lies and manipulations, and is definitely making it easier for me to keep my distance from her;
Maybe this is why I feel sad, because there is so much hardness in my heart?;
I worry that my children (3 sons) won't regard me as a 'soft place to fall' (Dr. Phil);
My (happily married to) husband is constantly monitoring my moods, and, almost daily, asks me why I am 'in a bad mood?';
He tells me I am aggressive, and I get angry often, especially with this criticism;
For this reason, I sometimes feel I am stuck in a vicious cycle, where there's not much joy;
I can't seem to break out of this 'place' I am in ...... I want to!, and often I consciously decide to just 'wash my hands' of all of it, take a deep breath, and move on/just be/just live, but somehow I still feel 'rudderless';
I struggle to manage my time effectively, and seem to waste time and procrastinate, and then get frustrated with all the things on my 'TO DO' list which havn't got done;
A typical example is writing this post!!!! I have spent too long reading this web site and writing this letter, and that is over and above all the hours I have spent in the past, reading up on narcissists etc. on the internet;
Why can't I just LET IT GO?!!!!! MOVE ON!!! GET A LIFE!!!! STOP TRYING TO WORK IT ALL OUT!!!! STOP TRYING TO SOLVE MY MOTHER!!!! ETC. ETC. BORING ETC.?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I am not in a depression as I am on Arapax, and the Psychiatrist is happy with me. I have been on anti-depressants for about 10 yrs now, and have been to a psychologist as well.

Basically I am just ready to live and move on, but want to feel some joy in my spirit, and softness in my heart.
Do I need more time?
Do I need to work on forgiving my mother more?
Do I need to find coping skills to help me deal with the suffocating effect she has on me, in order to be able to include her in my life?
Am I wrong in NOT pursuing reconcilliation with her, even on MY terms?
Am I not 'honouring' my mother, by excluding her from my life (and therefore her grandsons' and son-in-law's lives as well)? ie. is my attitude towards my mother ungodly?
Can there ever be CLOSURE for me without reconcilliation?

I called myself "Motherless" because I am choosing to live without her, but she is so alive in my mind ..... I should have called myself "Tortured" or "Shut-up-and-live!" or "Irritated" or etc. etc

Even if no one responds to this, it has been good for me to express it. So thanks for the opportunity to offload - I must go now and stop whining!

Love from me

[movedon]

Hi, Motherless it sounds to me like you have a torrent of questions that still remain unanswered

I think we all have to deal with family relationships in the way we have been treated in the past
If your Mother is making you ill by her actions then have time away to re-evaluate your situation
I was thinking maybe a compromise of very few visits, but if you find these vists are making you ill then stop them
You could write to her if face to face is too much at the moment
The main thing is let go of the guilt its eating you up
I think anyone would find it hard to forgive an N
The trouble is most people dont reconise them as such and so society in general tend to believe them.
It says Honour your Father and Your Mother IT does not say you have to be a slave to her needs every waking moment.

I think you sound like a very caring person who has a strong sense of conscience of whats right and wrong and theres nothing wrong with that more people should be more truthful
I'm strong believer of where your hearts full of resentment theres no room for love so maybe if you try and think of ways to let the resentment
go your conscience will heal.
Its clearly making you unhappy so maybe if you deal with it by first being detached in your thinking learn to love yourself first and stop beating yourself up because of bad treatment you have had off your Mother in the past
Its easier said than done I know I put everything down on paper of all the things that were done against me and then said goodbye to it all and put it in a box and although it sounds nuts it does work
Not everything in life is black or white there are always reasons why we follow a certain coarse of actions
(((((((hugs))))))
I hope you sort this out for your own peace of mind
Hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxxxx

[movedon]

sorry popped back to say your not a bad person because you care
You have put up with a lot and have resentment you cant let go of.
Sorry for missing this out in my first reply

Hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxxxx

[zivia]

Hey motherless,
I'm sorry you're feeling so crazy about it--N's have a tendency to do that to us.
I had to cut my mother out of my life about 4 years ago after she pulled another crazy controlling stunt. I told her I wasn't going to allow her "nonsense" in my life anymore and I wasn't willing to have a relationship with her until she was ready to admit to all the physical/emotional/verbal abuse in my childhood (I was smacked around/humiliated daily until I was almost 18years old). She wants to sweep everything under the rug and lies when confronted about specific incidents telling everyone I'm crazy and making things up. She writes me about once year w/ some pathetic letter about how she doesn't know what she could have possibly ever done to make me hate her.

Cutting her out may or may not work for you--you have to decide, but I can tell you I don't miss her and I'm 10x happier w/o having to worry about how to avoid her wrath. I also don't feel guilty--she did this to herself and she has the power to undo it.

As far as all the other feelings go, I went to a weekend seminar called the Landmark Forum (landmarkeducation.com)--no it is not a cult!--and found much relief from the pain of my childhood. I learned that it wasn't so much what happened to me but what I had made it mean about me that was so damaging.
For example, I decided at a really young age (3?) that I really must be an absolutely horrible person who deserved everything that was happening to me since my own mother hated me so much. And so I went on to make that mean nobody could ever really get to know me or they'd know what a horrible person I was and leave. I made it mean that I didn't deserve to be happy and I stayed in abusive relationships w/ N/P's b/c I didn't really deserve anything better. I made it mean I was undeserving and worthless and had to beg for the love of others by being a doormat and be thankful for what I got. And so on and so on.
I was able to step back and realize that I'm a really great person under all that hurt and anger and that I simply got an immature mother who lives everyday in her own private narcissistic hell. It doesn't mean anything else. My self-esteem has improved greatly since the Landmark Forum and 5 of my friends have since gone and all gotten great things out of it. My romantic relationship completely transformed when I got that I wasn't going to be anybody's doormat ever again and I told my fiance I'd had enough of HIS nonsense and moved out.
Also there are some great books out there like "Toxic Parents" and "If You Had Controlling Parents" and "Becoming Real" that really gave me some relief and let me know I wasn't alone or crazy!

How bout for the New Year you invent a future free of guilt over your mother?
Hope this helps!