Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Its been a very bad week; I've been experiencing suicidal thoughts that have hit me in wave after wave. They are not serious thoughts, I don't think. But there have been very bad moments. I'm trying to figure this all out and get back on track, and I'm struggling with it..

I have been experiencing some difficulties with my life, especially finances, but i think what tipped me me over the edge was spending the week with my parents. I do this very rarely because my mother is a Somatic N. I've managed to fend her off for two years, but it got to the point where I couldn't avoid her any more without making a real point of it . So my partner and I agreed to take a vacation together with my parents for a week, which they paid for.

I think I made a big mistake, both with allowing them to pay for our vacation, and also for staying with them for a full 7 days. Things got very bad after 3 days, and the rest of the week was tense and depressing. I couldn't wait to leave, and I felt that my mother equally couldn't wait to be rid of me.

After everything I've learned about NPD, it was still so shocking to be the target of my mother's abuse once again. Just to be there, feeling those feelings again. I can hardly believe I lived with that for 18 years. The constant stream of subtle punishments and undermining behaviors were almost too much to bear. She is very careful to hide the abuse, and make everyone else unaware of it other than her target. Its part of what makes it feel so bad, i guess. She was charming and flirtatious with everyone else, because they were men.

I wasn't able to stay on top of it. Both my parents had me feeling like an object and a failure in a very short amount of time, and as though everything about me was wrong and faulty. By day 3 I was my worst, and I was reduced to tears during dinner by their behavior and cruel words. They became disgusted and left. I felt that I didn't want to be alive any more. My partner just cuddled me and somehow lifted me back up from that place. I feel very bad for scaring him. He's an amazing man; i am so lucky to have him close.

On the up side, I won a wild-life photography competition at the place where we stayed, and I made really some nice new friends. Of course that only just fueled my mother's rage; she couldn't even look me in the eyes after all of that.

I feel very humbled by the affect my mother's abuse still has on me. I will not make this mistake again, of going into denial and thinking I can handle it. I can't handle that abuse, and i never really could.

Thanks for listening; i haven't written for a long while and I'm out of practice with it. I am so glad to know that there is at least one place in the world where people really understand what its like.

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Congratulations on the win. I am not sure what to say but I do understand. I am sure that there will not be another vacation with them. Hang tight, you know its them, not you. Once you are away again, I am sure you will feel better.

my thoughts are with ya,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Thanks so much justmee:) Its good just to be chatting here again, amongst people who understand. You're right; I will try to put this mistake in the past and hopefully things will feel better soon.

It was probably just bad timing, seeing my parents when I'm experiencing some life difficulties and feeling uncertain & vulnerable.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

Without black there is no white. Without uncertainty there is no certainty. So! there isn't much else to do except wait for the scales to tip in your favour... How do you wait? Meekly?

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Dear thayilflies,

Thanks for your uplifting post; it helped. I'm feeling a bit better today, which makes me think it was the contact with my mother as well as the 6 month lead up that has caused a lot of my depression.

I didn't see it at the time, but now its over I can feel the difference. I Must have been dreading that holiday much more than I realised.

X Bel

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I have a couple of insights to share: What does the Bible say about the first pains of childbirth? Does not Christ also say: "who is now last will be first, and who is now first will be last"? Chris Martin of Coldplay sings: "you'll go backwards and then... you'll go forwards again." Chris Martin of Coldplay also sings: "driven to distraction it is all part of the plan" and "slowly breaking through the daylight."

Draw what conclusions you will from these words. Perhaps they mean something?

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Serenity...
I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling suicidal! I know how an N can bring you down! When I was a teenager I became suicidal at one point after my mother tore me down and was neglectful and abusive towards me.. I felt so confused wondering why her hatred was directed towards me... At the time I thought it had to do with me but now I know she is just a bitter, jealous and hateful person that hasn't ever loved anyone no matter what a person does for her..

I learned from several vacations with my NM that I will never go on another vacation with her!!! I used to want to get close with NM and treated her to many family vacations, but never again! Maybe you have also come to this conclussion albeit the hard way...I had to learn it the hard-way too..
On one vacation with my NM, she was so disrespectful to my husband and treated him like her servant...( I guess she was just treating him the way she usually treats me.. LOL) When he protested to me my husband and I started argueing. I was still in the " wanting to please mom faze even while she walked all over me and my husband." I was caught in the middle of both of them although at that time I was starting to see the N-ness to my mothers actions...memories of that vacation, the tears, fighting with my husband which rarely occurs but seems to occur with frequency around NM, the stress, her ungreatfulness, arogance, demands, suttle put downs, and vacation sabatoge drove it home for me that that was the last vacation with NM! I really do believe that Ns try to sabotage things like Holidays and Vacations.. Seems like that is when they act up the most! I won't let my NM ruin a family vacation again! and most importantly I won't let her bring down my husband! It is not fair to our spouses and other family members to suffer.. I feel the need to protect my husband from NM abuse!!
Sounds like you have a good understanding man! Hope you are feeling better! Time away from an N usually will make things better!

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Dear Lynn,

I can most definately relate, and I am so sorry to hear of all the troubles your mother caused in the past. Its amazing how N-parents can be so divisive. You're right- I won't be taking any more long vacations with them. I should have known better, really.

I am feeling a lot better now, but I'm scattered and non-functional. I'm only barely getting through my work, and its frustrating because I have a lot of urgent tasks that I must do soon. I just want to hide for a month or so and recover.

Thanks so much for writing. You are so encouraging:)

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

Hi Serenity, just saw your post and am hoping you are feeling better these days. We all have times when we feel like we are going backwards. Hang in there. Sometimes when I get smacked in the face with the N "aura" like recently with a cousin who is in my sister's Nfog, it takes several days to a week to recover. I know what you mean about wanting to take a month off to get your bearings. The ugly old fears and anger can really rear their head! Don't let it make you small-be determined to stick your head out of the hole! I will be thinking of you! Oaktree
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Dear Oaktree,

Thankyou for your thoughtful words and for your care!! You're the best:)

I think its harder to spend time with an N parent when you have grown stronger and you are aware of the disorder, I've found. Everything is unbearable, from the way other people buy into their bull, and the way they become surly and angry when you don't act as lowly as they perceive you to be in their heads, and even down to way my partner failed to respond to my mother's flirtations in an attempt to outdo me.

She managed ,on vacation, to at least sabotage some of my friendships, which is usual for her. She keeps an eye out for who is giving me any sort of attention, and then she makes sure to spend some time wit hthem to tell them made up stories about how awful I am. With acquaintences, its really annoying because they almost always think she must be telling the truth, otherwise why else would go so out of her way to warn them about me?

I hate my mother. I really should just forget about her. She is such a tool.

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 393

Your NM seems to be very like mine, very subtle with her punishments and put-downs in front of others. If you protest or get defensive, it looks to others like YOU are the crazy one, making mountains out of molehills. My NM used to tell people flat-out lies about me, right there in front of me, knowing I wouldn't make a scene by contradicting her. I would fool myself into thinking I was just "letting it go", but inwardly I was so outraged that I remember several "trivial" incidents of that nature even after 10 or 20 years.
And other people, especially men she flirts with, just do not see what she is doing, right out in the open, in broad daylight! Very subtle, very clever, always deniable.
This is all just to say, Serenity, that I think I feel some of your pain, and I understand why you hate your mother.
However, when we hate someone, we are still giving them some power over us. The object of our hate still dominates our thoughts and feelings, and influences our deliberate actions as well as our instinctive reactions. My hatred for my own NM dissolved (most of it anyway) when I realized that I was finally, really and truly DONE with her.
It seems to me that the healthiest thing we can do is to strip these people of their poisonous power over us, refuse to allow them to continue dominating our dreams, our thoughts, our actions. We need our souls back. Off with their heads! Or at least NC.

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Hi Serenity...
How are you doing? I was thinking of you today...I can hear your pain in your posts and I hope you are doing ok.?.. I know dealing with our N parents can be painful and a long road to finding peace and healing.. I am still not there yet... I just wanted to give you a Hug...

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

"However, when we hate someone, we are still giving them some power over us. The object of our hate still dominates our thoughts and feelings, and influences our deliberate actions as well as our instinctive reactions. My hatred for my own NM dissolved (most of it anyway) when I realized that I was finally, really and truly DONE with her."

I agree with Zander here. I believe strongly that hate is the co-conspirer. I definately reckon that as difficult as it is most of the time if we somehow morph our hate (which is understandable - we have a right to be pissed off!) into compassion or at least see that hate is symptom of fear and low self-esteem we can better ourselves in the process. But it is always a question of when the time is right and if you're angry be angry, don't suppress it!

"It seems to me that the healthiest thing we can do is to strip these people of their poisonous power over us, refuse to allow them to continue dominating our dreams, our thoughts, our actions. We need our souls back. Off with their heads! Or at least NC."

I agree. We want to be moving on ASAP, putting the shitty past behind us and cultivating a future of independence and peace for ourselves. Independent souls, liberated from the prison of conditioned dysfunction! Healthy, strong and spritely! Rolling Eyes

(A hell of a lot easier to say than "be" of course! It is still a grind.)