Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

The divorce has been final for 2 weeks now. I don't know why, but ever since then I seem to be in a funk. I am just so angry at ex right now. I keep wondering how he could do this to me. When we got together we were so young, and I remember thinking that I was experiencing real love because I cared more about him than about myself. I never told him that. But he tested it over and over. And I proved myself right every time. How could I have let him do this to me?

It isn't that I want him back. His new W can have him. Best wishes to her. But I am so angry at him and I don't want to be. I want to yell and scream. I had to see him this weekend and that didn't help.

And I am really stressed about money and the child support collection place hasn't contacted me to find out where to deposit the money. The next thing to go has to be activities for the kids, and I really don't want to go there.

He is supposed to move his massive amounts of crap out this week. I just can't wait. It is such a negative drain on me. Really. I am talking about psychotic micky mouse heads and animal skulls and piles of other really depressing images. I have hated it forever. I really hope he gets it out.

Bleh.

Dagna

lonnielynn · Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 247

Dagna
I really won’t be of much help to you, just wanted to commiserate with you. I also have to deal with the STBX on a regular basis as we have property settlement to deal with yet and have a child getting married soon. He is a packrat to the max, entering the garage to find a tool or something is annoying to say the least. The skulls, hides and other animal parts are gross and something that always bothered me. He would leave dead birds in the yard, deer heads to rot on the woodpile - I’ve even found a bag of crows in the chest freezer! BLEH is right! He has been told that he needs to remove his stuff if we are putting the house on the market. If I keep the house he will have 90 days to get it out or it is mine to do with as I please; to the dump it will go.
I am still angry (at him and myself) and seeing him brings it back full force. We have been together 27 years and I see a long, long road ahead of me before the anger is gone.
_________________
When life closes one door, another one will open but it can sure feel like hell in the hallway between them.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

I don't know why I find comfort knowing that you all see where I am coming from. It should just make me more mad. Most people can't possibly understand that although he hasn't lived in the house for over a year, well over half of the space in the house holds his junk. And our house doesn't have space to spare in the first place.

Luckily, he does have 30 days from June 18 to get his stuff out. Of course, rules don't apply to him, and when I pushed him about it he said August 1. I said no it needs to be sooner, so he is starting to move his stuff out this week. Hopefully he will get the bulk of it because he is leaving town next week. A lot of it I couldn't just dump, and it would be problematic to stick it in the garage.

He actually asked me if I wanted to keep his books!!! In our family, books have been a very personal thing. A diary of sorts, showing where we have been and where we have to go. Why would I want his? Also a bunch of stuff that he made? I want all of him out of here. I have been scrubbing him out with TSP (phosphate free) for goodness sakes. My friend has set me up with some purification rituals for the house to get the negativity out once and for all.

I need to find a way to stop the chatter in my head. Think about other things. But it always creeps back in, mostly I can't believe what he did to me. I can't believe I let him.

And the trajectory he is on is so predictable. Within a year I bet he has a job at the same place she does. I bet they get married and have a kid (despite the HIM: "well obviously I'm not having any more kids" ME: "I don't think it is obvious at all" HIM: "well I'm a terrible father" ME: "then you better get a vasectomy now" HIM: "you are probably right" conversation.

I can't believe he is getting on with his life, after I took care of EVERYTHING so he could go to school. Now he has his prized faculty job and I am stuck exactly where I have been always. And together with the OW, they will be able to have a nice little life and have cute little babies. And I really wanted another baby and he didn't and now I bet he has another. And here we will be. Broke, cleaning up the fallout of living with him and trying to raise a kid with special needs and the anxiety ridden sibliing. (But my kids will always be cuter and more awesome so NYAH).

I am just sick of feeling this way. I just want to cry the last tear for him and be done.

Plus my therapist keeps telling me not to catastrophize. I mean really, there is a non-zero chance that she will drop him on his sorry hiney. Which maybe won't be so good because I am fairly certain that she can only add a positive element to his relationship to the kids.

I clearly need to do some more scrubbing.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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Trinity · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 97

For me...I wanted the divorce....and when it finally came i went through a period of being soOO MAD at him for not being the man I MADE myself beleive he was. Sure, he may have kids but if the OW is stupid enough to do that, then oh well for her. I am just glad I only had one.

My life before was a facade. I have been working hard at making my house a home... and finally I look at it, and I love it....I love who is in it and am completely happy at what my fiance and I have brought into this together.

I used to look at life and think if I died tomorrow...HURRAY FOR ME.... now, I look at life and think....No way.... I have too many things coming up...don't you dare take me now GOD!

So, I think what you are feeling is normal...and once he gets his crap out of there it will be ALOT different......for example...my house was foreclosed on... he was court ordered to make payments. but, even though its gone....it hurt me for a day...and then it was like .....HE IS GONE TOOOOO and i dont have to deal with the house either......

MAKE SURE that when that 30 days is up....whatever is his goes outside for the trash man to pick up....... otherwise, he is stalling you and sending you a clear message that he is doing it on his own time.....THIS IS YOUR TIME...and TIME FOR HIM TO GET THE HE** OUT!

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

dagna,

I haven't been here in a couple weeks because I've been overwhelmed, but I'll leave that for another time.

You have every right to be angry. Anger is good right now. It's part of the process, and if you don't let it happen now, you will only have to repeat it later. That's how people get stuck in the anger for a long time, by not letting it be part of the grieving process for your losses now. Go girl, be angry!!! It won't hurt you, it'll heal you. Only two weeks since the divorce - I think you can expect a lot of emotions coming up.

I know what you mean about loving him more than yourself. I gave mine all of me, only to be D&D'd after 25 years. I take comfort in the NPD diagnosis. I know it wasn't me.

Of course it's comforting that other know what you're going through. That's what this site is all about. I don't know what I would have done without you all. No one could ever possibly understand unless they lived it, and I have not yet met another face-to-face that has experienced the incredible pain of discovering you have given your heart and your life to a Narcissist.

I can't believe you gave him 30 days after the divorce was final to get his stuff out. Mine was given 4 days after closing on a new house to get his stuff out of mine, then we both filed for exclusive use of our respective homes, and I changed all the locks the next day. It was only 2 months after filing. He still had access to the garage, and put stuff out there to take later. After 30 days, I just took what was left out of the garage (the snow blower and a table saw) and put it back in the house. He never mentioned it. My lawyer said that some marital homes become "Walmarts", with the X showing up whenever they need something they didn't take. She was adamant about putting a limit on it.

I never thought about books that way before. I really makes sense when I think about it, sort of like a log of one's personal journey. I tend to keep only the books I'd like to share. I also keep books I'd like my kids to read when they're ready. I suppose the only reason he's want you to have his books is because he's done with them and doesn't want to have to move them.

I like the idea of a purification ritual. As for me, I rearranged the furniture.

I am fortunate to have met a great massage therapist who is working with me on that chatter in my head problem. I am so stressed out, I have a facial tic! She teaches me to concentrate on my breathing, and when the chatter enters my head, just acknowledge it and go back to the breathing. It takes practice, but I'm starting to get it.

Try not to worry about his "great" future. Remember that he is an N. You will find happiness, he never will. He is not capable of finding it. Ever. No amount of babies will do it for him. He doesn't feel the same way about the kids as you do. He can't.

Catastrophizing!!! That's what I got told, too! And you're right, the NS is definitely a good thing for maintaning his stability.

Scrubbing works. I pull weeds, too.

I'm turning his garage, which used to be a shrine to his Porsche, into a rec room for the kids. I got some floor coating, and I'm looking for used games tables, like air hockey or table tennis. I'll put the Porsche posters he left behind in the office shredder.

I would suggest seeing your lawyer one more time and making the final date for getting his stuff out legal and official. Just for your own peace of mind.