Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

chrisfla · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 4 Location: St. Pete, FL

First off, I am a lesbian, and my N's (yes, more than one), have been women. If that offends you, please don't read this post. Thank you.

My first was when I was in my 20's. I stayed with her for 5 long years. I didn't think much of the abuse, both verbal and physical, since my parents' marriage hadn't been happy, either. I had never imagined having a loving relationship. So when my N told me I had to stay with her because no one else would ever want me, after awhile, I became convinced she was right.

Fortunately for me, another woman eventually made a pass at me, and I realized my N was wrong - and if she was wrong about that, perhaps she was wrong about the other things as well. But like others here, I had problems getting people to believe I was being victimized. Even with my visible black and blue marks, my N looked so damned sweet and innocent, people thought I had somehow aggravated her. Nevertheless, I managed to get away from her and move on.

Thank God that was all of 20-odd years ago, and thanks to a 12-step program and various aspects of New Thought practices, I recovered nicely after two years or so. I even met a woman I still call "the love of my life," and embarked on a wonderful and loving relationship that finally ended after four years when she realized that our ways were about to part - I went away to school, and fulfilled my lifelong dream, and she stayed in our hometown. To this day, I'm sorry that relationship ended. But I still have many good memories and I am happy to have had a great relationship, even if it's the only one I may ever have.

At school, I met N #2. She sensed my vulnerability (I was fresh out of that good relationship) and she zoned in on me like a spider on a fly. She pretended to be everything I wanted, and then, after I was completely emotionally dependent on her (silly me!), she started to play with my head. Well, you all know the story. It almost killed me when she abruptly left me three years later... even though she was very careful not to really "be with me" in the first place. I thought I was going to end up in a psych ward. But I found a great therapist who assured me that I wasn't crazy - that she was a sociopath. I didn't know what a sociopath was - I had to look it up in the dictionary - but my therapist was right. Even so, it took me a couple more years to get over this one.

OK. I remained mostly alone for the ensuing 10 years. I dated a couple of women during that time for a couple of months at a time, but I didn't trust anyone. I listened to my alarm bells (of which there were many), and didn't make any serious committments.

But of course, last summer I met a woman at a conference who I believe was a true sociopath, and had a long-distance thing with her for a couple of months. When she finally said the words, "You brought this on yourself!!" after she had started a vicious fight with me, my bells went off and I awkwardly got out of it. Thank God she lives 1000 miles away - so, although I thought of her often, I managed to stay away. And I was damned proud of myself for managing to do that. I'm sure you all know how good it made me feel to make that choice. No more victimhood for me!! I was free of all that - my self esteem was too high, I was on anti-depressants, etc.

Well, so much for that.

Almost six months ago, a new co-worker, a straight woman, came on to me, and inspite of ALL my alarm bells going off, I just ignored them and got involved with her. What an idiot I was!! I even watched her call her husband (yes, she was married) and tell him she was going shopping when she was coming over to my place to have sex, and I still somehow deluded myself into thinking that she was OK. I mean, she'd told me her marriage with him was an "arrangement." And she was so beautiful, so simpatico with me... all the usual crap you all recognize...

The kicker was, she immediately left her husband of 7 years like he meant nothing to her. I always have had a motto: watch how she left the last one, 'cause that's how she's going to leave you. But I continued to ignore the clanging alarm bells going off in my brain. At least they had no children, I thought to myself. And besides, strangely enough, she accused HIM of being a narcissist!

Well, I almost lost my job over her (of course, people at work think I went after HER, and somehow forced her to leave her husband), and after six months, she tired of me, and dropped me the same way she left her husband. This coincided with me telling her that I could no longer give give give to her emotionally without getting anything back, and harrassing her about going to therapy.

The funny thing is, it's been 3 days since we last spoke, and I still feel nothing. It's like the last 5 days I was with her, when we fought non-stop, I just became numb. I couldn't take any more. I spent most of today sleeping, and reading NPD literature on the internet, which has done me a world of good.

The thing is, I've been there, done that so many times I recognized what she was as soon as I saw her lie to her husband without batting an eye - but I ignored the signs. I didn't want to believe it. She lavished me with attention, affection - you know the drill. I wanted to buy it, so I did. Then she began to withold her affection, throw tantrums, and tell me I was a "bum" and she had to "bring me up to [her] level" (I have a master's degree!). I drove her around, waited on her, bought her things, took her to dinner, and spent hours telling her how beautiful she is... while she continued to insult me and degrade me and never apologize for a thing.

And now I'm in the same rotten boat I've been in many, many times. I can't even cry about it, because I wasted so many years crying in the past about the same person, only with a different face. But at least this time, it was only 6 months. I guess I should try to feel good about myself, instead of sitting here wondering how I could have let this happen AGAIN.

Please forgive my ramblings. When I went through this in the 80's and 90's, I didn't have the internet the way I do now. Fortunately, I had a good therapist.

Here's hoping I finally learned my lesson. As my sister said to me, there's worse things in life than being single. And I'd rather be single the rest of my life than go through all this again.

Thanks for listening.

mikey#1 · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:38 am Post subject:

chrisfla

The pain that N/P’s deliver is wrong. I do not care what color, what religion or your sexual orientation is, no one should have to live through the devastation that these people can create.

I am honestly sorry that you have experienced more pain in your life. I am glad that in the past you have sought professional help. It is nice to have someone in your corner isn’t it? You have been there, in counseling so I know you understand what I am trying to say. I hope that if you feel the need you would look to a counselor again.

It has been said here, on this board, before that we get sucked back in because we want to make them human. I am paraphrases. We want to believe that all people have the ability to love. I know it is easy to be angry with ourselves when we feel we have slipped up once again. We all make mistakes and you extracted yourself from this relationship sort of quickly. I know this does not make the pain or your frustration at yourself any less. I am wondering if something in your live made you vulnerable to this person. I know my P was after a traumatic event and my radar was off kilter. Also I know these people can be damn smart and know what words to say (such as her saying her husband was the N). I am trying to throw you some thoughts and support but I feel that I am not doing a very good job. I just do not like it when people get down on themselves. We all make mistakes; we all misjudge people. That, chrisfla, is what makes us human. We can admit our mistakes and try to learn from them. That does not mean it will never happen again because sometimes it does. Our brain tells us one thing but our heart, and physical needs say another. It is hard to heal and move forward if you are beating yourself or being negative toward yourself.

I am sad you are here and that this is not the first time you have experienced the horrors of the N/P but know that you have found a beautiful place. The people here are wise, compassionate and here for each and every one of us. Sometimes, when they speak the truth it hurts but I have found that in the end it helped. They have made me look in to myself and try to change what should be changed. It is not easy and can be hard work.

I hope you get to experience the help and hope this board has given me.

Mikey
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chrisfla · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 4 Location: St. Pete, FL

Thanks for the support. I know I have been here before and I know that I will survive this. I'm still feeling kinda numb, but I'm trying to keep busy.

I wish I didn't have to see her at all, but we do work together, and I will have occasion to walk by her cube at least a couple of times a day. I will avoid speaking to her unless absolutely necessary, and if we must communicate about some work-related matter, I will do my best to be very careful to remember what she is. Keep your fingers crossed.

Here's hoping she's finally given up on me and finds someone else quickly. I'm guessing that, with the lifestyle she wants to live (NPD, that is), a man would more easily assent to her demands than I did. I was her first woman, BTW, and I seriously believe now that was more out of convenience than anything else. I mean, I was only 2 cubes away! Also, I think she thought a woman would be easier to manipulate - but she was wrong, at least about THIS woman.

Thanks again.

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1465 Location: Arkansas USA

Dear Chris,

Mikey is right, it doesn't matter what sex, religion, color or creed or background you come from, there is an N-FOR-YOU.

Very few of us on this board have NOT either gone back to an N or P of some description or other (lover, son, daughter, husband, mother or father) at one time or another, OR allowed ourselves to become victims repeatedly of one N or P or all of the above.

I am so glad you are essentially NO contact with this woman, and I know that seeing her at work willl make that difficult, but remember, she will knife you in the back or try to hoover you back in if she can. She will not "let it rest" if she can help it.

I am a retired mental health and medical practitioner and I got HOOVERED back in by my own Ps over and over and over (there were multiple ones in my family) and even though in the past I have also had therapy and I KNOW about these people as well as anyone, never the less, I surcumbed over and over...so I do suggest that you GO BACK to therapy and see what it is that is allowing you to repeatedly be sucked in and victimized by Ps and Ns.

I realize that though I am recovering, I still have some issues that I need to deal with and am starting therapy again on Friday and should have previously but wasn't able to get psychotherapy in addition to my psychiatrist due to insurance issues. My insurance changed September 1st so I have arranged an appointment as soon as I could, because I KNOW I NEED IT though I had it in the past...somehow I "Knew" these things, but yet "I didn't act on that knowledge" so somehow my GUT hadn't gotten the "message" that my brain had.

I have a granddaughter (22) who is lesbian and she is in an abusive realtionship with an older woman,(32) they are getting "married" in a little while...and I am quite sad about this...but there isn't anything any of the family can do.

If a man treated his sister this way, her brouther would I am sure "have a talk with" him about it, but because it is a female, my granddaughter would take it as an anti-gay thing rather than an anti-abuse thing....but of course, no one can "rescue" someone from any abusive relationship, they have to do it themselves...so ultimately, it is a moot point. My granddaughter has to recognize her relationship is abusive and SHE has to do something about it, but her family will be there to support her when she does, and in the meantime, we just keep our mouths shut and let her know that we love her no matter what.

Good luck to you, and I hope that you can come to resolution with all these issues and with your pain.
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi Chris, Nice to meet you
I read your story and what struck me how hard it must be to face her at work when she works so near to you,is changing your job out of the equasion? I know its not always easy to start a new job, or find one even but as OxDrover and Mickey have said no contact would be best she will make sure her intregrity is in tact while she will pull yours to pieces behind your back (That if shes true to form an N)
Please dont blame yourself you have enough to get through leaving the pain behind.
I hope you come back and carry on posting

Hugs
Movedon
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chrisfla · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 4 Location: St. Pete, FL

It was hard seeing her at work today, particularly since she changed her hairstyle in a radical way and it was hard not to look at her. Fortunately, with what I saw of it, I didn't like her hair at all. She looks like a wet rat! [Excuse me, but it feels pretty good to say that, since she always turns heads, especially mine.]

But I had cut and pasted a whole bunch of stuff from these N websites into a Word file this weekend, and whenever I was tempted, I read it. I mean, so many of these descriptions describe her to a "T"!

In addition, I got a call today for an interview this Wednesday. This is good, because I hated my current job before my newest N ever came along. I did realize, though, the feelings I still have for her; when I contemplated never even being able to see her again, I felt heartsick.

It's the same old story - if only she could have changed just a little bit...!

But I know better. When I've gone through this crap with her before, she's come back to me a few days later talking about how much she missed me, how she cried all weekend, etc. And I believed her. She'd even apologize, say she was going to therapy, she knows there's something wrong with her, ad nauseum. In a week or so, she goes back to her "old self". Vicious, hurtful, mocking me, offering no apologies and no explanation. Oh - and all of a sudden, "her therapist", who she's seen exactly once, is out of town or on vacation.

I need to remember that. I need to stay strong.

Thanks for the replies.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi,
You seem to be doing all the right things, and have a good attitude towards the situation
I wrote all the horrible things hed done to me and how I felt I kept it by me and it helped when I was tempted
I tended to look back at the good times (which in my case were very few)
I guess I was trying to justify ringing him, Im really glad I held my ground now years later
I see him for what he is and was and have no illusions about him when the love fades it gets easier as you know.
Your doing great good luck with the job and although it might seem scary the thought of never seeing her again, it might be the best thing you have ever done.Who knows you might meet a whole load of new friends at the new job

Hope you carry on having No contact

(((((((hugs))))))))
Movedon
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chrisfla · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 4 Location: St. Pete, FL

Well, I resisted the impulse to talk to her today at work - but it was hard. I kept finding myself feeling sorry for her and wondering if I am wrong - I mean, what if the "Dr. Jekyll" side (she'd cry, "I am just afraid to let anyone get close to me - I know I am the 'sick' one here - I'm so sorry for the way I treat you") is the "real" her...?? But - I have to remember what she herself said to me when I asked her that a few months ago - she said herself that BOTH of them - the evil AND the remorseful one - are the "real" her.

Whatever. Dr. Jekyll - the remorseful one - has been gone for quite awhile anyway.

I had a wonderful evening. I came home, nibbled, took out my sport bike, and went for a great motorcycle ride. I had the fleeting thought that it would have been more fun with her there, but then I realized that I would have been worrying the whole time about what SHE wanted, and it really was much more fun not worrying about her at all. YEA!!!

You know, I lived alone for many years before I met this girl, and I enjoyed it. I had made up my mind before I met her (because of the N's I'd been with in the past) that only a very special - and sane! - woman would be worth giving up my single life for. And this new N (after all these years!!) sure wasn't the one I'd waited for all that time.

But! If tonight is an example, getting back into the groove of being single and only having to worry about myself might be smoother sailing than I could have hoped for. Pray she doesn't try to yank my chain, but I don't think she will. She's done it too many times already; I think she's done now.

She owes me $200, but it's worth paying the bill myself to maintain NC.

Hanging in there, one day at a time.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Chris, That took a lot of strength not to speak to her.
I know the feelings will creep up on you from time to time but that freedom of getting on your bike and not having to worry about anyone but yourself is a liberating feeling.
Your doing great with the no contact ,If the feelings kick back in keep remembering that freedom feeling and the Jekyll n Hide compare the two
I know its hard to get off that roundabout we all go on with N's

She may owe you $200 I lost a home but I had peace and freedom to be able to do what I wanted
I learned a very valuable lesson money means nothing compared to peace of mind
If it doesnt sound patronising may I say IM proud of you for showing this strength

Hugs
Movedon
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