Hello, I'm new to this forum so bear with me if I do something incorrectly or post somewhere inappropriately.
I am an American who moved to Guatemala 6 1/2 years ago. I started a relationship with a local who was very charming and, basically, in all aspects, too good to be true. The relationship was simultaneously heaven and hell: I left and returned more than 6 times before getting pregnant with his child. When our daughter was born, we were married 5 days later. He controlled, dominated, gaslighted, and invalidated me; criticised me, castigated me, threatened me, etc. The list goes on but to make a long story short he qualifies for all 9 criteria in the DSM-V for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and each bullet point of information was exhibited in him on the highest level of the scale. I escaped from him with my daughter 1.5 years ago while he disappeared for 10 days. Put out a restraining order that eventually he manipulated me into dissolving with the help of private lawyers that he hired, despite the fact that he was extremely financially irresponsible throughout our relationship and hell of marriage. Just before I escaped, I found myself isolated, essentially locked into our home for one year before we had an opening to leave. I lost all friends and had very little communication with my family. The drama continued as I tried desperately to live a life without him, but I could not leave the country with my daughter without his legal permission. He continued to taunt and harass us, manipulate me, and enter my house while I was working full-time and my daughter stayed with a nanny (who he manipulated and lied to as well). I currently have a second restraining order on him and am going through a custody battle and divorce in the Guatemalan court system as the American embassy said that I have to resolve this issue domestically. I am in an other city, "in hiding", trying to make ends meet with my child. I do have support from my family from far away, but there is only so much they can do.
Okay back story somewhat completed, with many details missing, I am in need of guidance and ideas on how to build myself back up to who I was before or who I can be. I am strong and I have consistently chosen the good side, the side that requires incredible levels of dedication and almost robot-like thinking... I just do what I have to do to make sure we survive. I had therapy for 8 months right after I left him and it helped me to establish a sense of self again. But now, suddenly, almost a year after the therapy ended and I am in my place of hiding, I cannot live a normal life. The outgoing and fun woman I was and truly am is recoiling within a shell, I am not interested in being around other people, even those who interest me and wish to spend time with me. I cannot make a connection with anyone, no matter how hard they try to know me. I am starting to lose touch with reality; I live in a fog of confusion. All I manage to do is take care of my child, work, and clean my house. I barely get to my own laundry or to taking care of myself. I am lost, almost floating in an abyss. I want to come back to my centre, gain ground again, and move forward, but I do not know how to do that when, for the first time in so long, I have been unable to focus.
I need a support group of like-minded people, but most of all, I need a one-on-one connection with a psychologist or counsellor who can talk through my issues with me. I have yet to find a qualified psychologist here in Guatemala who understands the complexity of recovering from narcissistic abuse. Some of the therapists I have seen actually blame me (call me foolish, etc.)... and although it hurts to the core of my bones, and reverberates within me for weeks afterward, I know that it's simple: they do not understand what really happened because they are not trained in this field of knowledge.
If there is any way you could help me or share me with me a place or person with whom I could connect to online, I would greatly appreciate it. I am more than willing to get help and to clear the negative and hidden memories that keep me quietly chained to the past, tortured by emotional flashbacks, and I want the fear of people to stop growing. I know it's not right.
Thank you for your time.