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pure pain

 
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amorri



Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Posts: 6
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:40 am    Post subject: pure pain Reply with quote
Why do I still want to see him so badly? I feel such pain that I feel I could have a heart attack! I just can't believe that I am such a bad judge of people. I believed in him so very much. He did a wonderfull job with the flattery! It's only been over for one week. I met him just before Thanksgiving and I guess I'm just so unbelievably surprised by it all. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad
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movedon
Site Admin


Joined: 12 Jul 2007
Posts: 827
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Amorri, ((((((((HUGS))))))))this is a very difFicult time ,your pain will get less I assure you I know you wont feel that now but it will.
My heart goes out to you as I remember only too well the pain ,but one day you'll wake up and you'll feel different
Try keeping busy do other things dont dwell on the hurt think about how your going to deal with it
Hun you will get past it and you will feel better
Thinking about you
I thought my world had ended I never thought id get over it but I did and I have met a wonderful man who knows how to treat a woman with respect trust and compassion(and im no spring chicken)
One day you'll be where I am now(sorry if that sounds creepy dont mean it to sound like im crowing because believe me im not) and you'll be thinking best thing that could have happened although I didnt think so at the time
trust me good times are at the end of this dark tunnel

Hugs

movedon
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OxDrover



Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 1465
Location: Arkansas USA
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Dear Amorri,

I too am so sorry for your pain, it is even PHYSICAL it is so "real" and so painful, not just "emotional"---it is a loss--a great loss--because you lost something you THOUGHT you had. You didn't really have it, but you THOUGHT you did, you BELIEVED you did--only to find out it was NOT REAL, it was an illusion--just a hologram of a man, not a real one at all.

That LOSS is REAL even though HE wasn't "real"--you will feel pain from any loss of anything in your life that you loved. He can't feel that loss because he never loved anyone except himself.

But the pain, the hurt, it not forever, it will pass--I PROMISE YOU---every veteran here can tell you the same thing, it WILL PASS. Learn from the situation, learn from the pain, learn from the loss, and you will be a better, wiser, stronger person for the experience, and not so easily trapped into the "illusion" of love again.

((((Hugs)))) and God bless you and bring peace to your soul.
_________________
Life is lived forward, but understood backwards.
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louxloux



Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1483
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:40 am    Post subject: Re: pure pain Reply with quote
amorri wrote:
Why do I still want to see him so badly? I feel such pain that I feel I could have a heart attack! I just can't believe that I am such a bad judge of people. I believed in him so very much. He did a wonderfull job with the flattery! It's only been over for one week. I met him just before Thanksgiving and I guess I'm just so unbelievably surprised by it all. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad


Hi Amorri,

You are now where I was at when you first met your N (Thanksgiving). He chose 2 days before Thanksgiving to 'drop the bomb' - D&D me. Absolutely ruined all of the holiday season for me. Just two days prior to Thanksgiving, while talking on the phone, he was telling me how in love he was with me, how he couldn't wait for us to spend the rest of our lives together (we were planning to get married this coming Fall), and how much he hated it when we were apart (I work nights). He told me that he dreamed of me for 15 years (we knew each other in college and lost touch) and that he felt he had been in love with me all of these years. I was the 'one that got away'... that he never could seem to 'get'... I was the love of his life - them BOOM out of no where, no warning, I am tossed to the trash bin like yesterday's news. The only explanation I got was that he needed to 'step out of the relationship' to deal with his 'issues'. I reacted very much the same way you described - only I visualized it as feeling like someone had cut me open and started strangling me with my own guts (gross and graphic, I know... but that's how I felt). I loved him, I trusted him. Why couldn't we work on his 'issues' together? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't he trust me now, when he trusted me before (I helped him during a difficult time previously) - these were the type of thoughts I kept thinking (self-blame). There was nothing wrong with me - I could still be trusted; I was trustworthy - HE was the one that couldn't be trusted, only I didn't realize it at that time. When it was all said and done, I was just a pawn to him and I NEVER SAW THAT b/c his words, body language, etc.. all seemed so very sincere - and even more than that, we had been friends years before in College. It is hard to accept that someone can look you in the eyes and tell you that they love you with such sincerity that you feel it in your bones and then drop you like a hot potato... it's hard to believe b/c WE are not capable of that. "Normal"/"Healthy" people cannot 'act' sincere. They either are or they aren't. He is not 'normal' nor 'healthy'... nothing about this type of narcissism is healthy in any way. Only, you don't realize it until the damage is already done. I know, I have been there, and there was nothing anyone could have told me to convince me that he was bad - b/c the way he portrayed himself at that time contradicted anything anyone could have said in that regard. He acted loving, caring, sincere.

You are going to experience a huge array of emotions. You will find that you cannot seem to reach emotional consistency... you will swing back and forth between wanting to 'call him' on his bad behavior because you are so angry - to practically begging him back b/c you want so badly to believe his discarding you was not his 'true' self, that maybe he was just going through a hard time; having a bad day or week. This will continue as long as you continue to have some sort of contact with him, or as long as you keep trying to 'reconnect' with him.... trying to prove your worth to him, trying to convince him that he made a mistake. YOU HAVE TO STOP ANY AND ALL CONTACT in order to get to emotional consistency. Once you do reach emotional consistency.. this is where then you can begin focusing on you and your recovery. This place (support group board) is a brilliant place to start. Whenever you feel like calling or writing him... write here instead. I guarantee that there will be someone who can relate here, and who can help to 'reframe' your thinking which will then help you to keep on track. Just give us a chance. Share your story, vent, write letters to your ex and post them here instead of sending them, call him on every injustice... whatever you need to do to keep yourself from contacting him or answering his calls.... and READ, READ, READ. There is a wealth of knowledge to be found among the threads, and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

Before you know it... you will stop feeling like a victim, and become a survivor. I didn't think it was possible when I was in your shoes last November... I held on to him and his lies, empty promises for another 4 months - all during that time he was telling me that he still loved me, still wanted to marry me but couldn't because of his 'issues'. In March, I found out his 'issue' was a young girl at his office, and I am the one that put an end to it all upon that discovery. He still wanting us to 'work it out'. He strung me and her along for 4 + months - and I know she had no clue about me.... just like I had no clue about her way back in November. Poor thing has absolutely no idea what she's gotten into.

Just keep in mind that seeking contact with him only re-opens the same wounds and keeps them from healing. NO CONTACT really is the only and best way to go. You CAN do it... You WILL make it !

God Bless,

loux
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Matilda



Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 1834
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hi Amorri and welcome,
It will be five years this forthcoming february since I left my abusive p. The first year was pretty rough and I couldn't help wondering why I missed him even though I knew how toxic he was for me. This article by Joseph M. Carver Ph.D provided the breakthrough in understanding that phenomenon.
I will add the link at the bottom of this post. Keep reading as much as you can about this disorder. The more you understand it, the more you will realize that it wasn't your fault. In fact, the break up is sort of a blessing in disguise. And keep posting here, as you can see you are not alone on this journey of recovery.
Welcome.
Matilda
(administrator)
http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
_________________
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright
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movedon
Site Admin


Joined: 12 Jul 2007
Posts: 827
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Matilda thats a brilliant article you never stop learning on this forum thanks for sharing .



Hugs
Movedon
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Kathryn Sullivan



Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 8
Location: Estacada, Oregon
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 4:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
Why do I still want to see him so badly? I feel such pain that I feel I could have a heart attack! I just can't believe that I am such a bad judge of people. I believed in him so very much. He did a wonderfull job with the flattery! It's only been over for one week. I met him just before Thanksgiving and I guess I'm just so unbelievably surprised by it all.


Because you are an addict...(been there, done that)

louxloux,oxdrover and movedon have great insight...

regards

rubytoo
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Kathryn
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