Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

The "relationship" (for lack of a better word) with the N is founded on the premise that YOU (his current source, although perhaps one of many) have "changed" him for the better. For good, this time.

He may admit when it suits him -- that perhaps he was a horrible boyfriend in the past, perhaps he cheated, always lied about everything, was abusive, needlessly cruel, made promises and failed to keep them -- in the past, but that's over now. Now your love has changed him, and all the people in his past that claimed to love him were simply bad people, deserving of his treatment, not special enough, and not good enough at loving him. But you, you are. You are the only one. (Well, for now.)

You are the only exception. (Well, in the long line of many 'exceptions', of course.) He would never do those things to you. He has "learned" his lesson. You are special to him, more special than anyone has been or ever will be. He will always love you, always accept you, never cheat on or harm you in any way. (Unless of course, he wants to.)

That you and you alone, have taken this maliginant, hollow creature and turned him into a decent, caring, loving human being. That your love brought him to this place ... this is what everyone wants to believe when they are in this situation, of course.

That your love, that you were important enough to make such such a change in someone's life. Feels good while it lasts, doesn't it? that you can make this much of an impact .. and so easily, just by loving him.

But, to normal human beings, those who have normal, logical, rational concepts of human interaction and love, this seems ridiculous. That's because it is.

But it's quite an ego trip, isn't it? and, it makes you feel so good that you have seemingly changed this "unhappy" person, all by yourself. You must be special, for sure. You must have the magic "touch." You are truely one of a kind! (for now.)

The first lie, is that the N made you believe you changed him -- maybe even went out of his way to prove it to you, maybe professed his love and all the ways he has "changed" in all sorts of expensive gifts and cards. Promises of marriage, moving in together, spending the rest of your lives together in nothing but harmony, peace and happiness.

If you've ever read cinderella, you'd realize that this sounds alot like a magical fairytale, where the endings are always happy, and your everlasting "love" is enough to keep it together, forever. (If the N's "love" actually would have existed in the first place, that is.)

That's because it is a fairytale. Just not one with a happy ending.

This is the second lie. The narcissist's grandiose fairytale, his perfect, fantasy ideal of love that he leads you on to believe. Of course, no one said you had to believe it .. but you know, as just long as you do ..

And so, based on this, you start to believe it too. How could it be fake, since it feels so real? especially when it's brought into the real, logical, physical extension, when he has met you and when you're actually spending time with him face to face? when you get to touch him and hold his hand? he feels real. He sounds real. He looks real.

Most people heed the wise warning, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is", with infomercials and advertisments that you will "become a millionare overnight", and "you will look 20 years younger" instantly. Well, the narcissist resembles such an infomercial. A very dangerous one, should you choose to dial that number and order now!

There is no other way to slice it. You cannot change an N with your love, no matter how pure, strong, or well intentioned it is.

And of course, there are more than just two lies. There is much more where that came from. They always seem to have a never-ending supply of lies, no matter how big or how small. They are always in full-stock with lies.

If you're wondering, this is based on my experience and this is also what my N told his current (primary source), that he wasn't a great boyfriend in the past (possibly reffering to me and said only for her benefit, not as if he were admitting any wrong doing), and that now, she has 'changed him'.

Of course, like he had probably done to many others, he had also said the very same thing to me at the time.

I am wondering, how many women has he told they have 'changed' him? how many times can someone be 'changed' after it is futile, and you'd think after so many times, some of those changes would stick, wouldn't you?

Little does she know .. well, how could she know until the end, of course, that

You simply cannot take toxic sludge, filter it it through a water filter and get taster's choice.

What an absolutely amazingly brilliant post - I love it. Thank you.

For anyone struggling, this is a keeper.

An exquisite post.

As love goes---ponder this:

What would influence you more-- knowing someone loves you, or conversely, you loving someone? What would be more of a motivational factor to change?

For Ns, supply equates love. Is that LOVE? Is that enough of a motivation to change their poor behavior?

Just something to kick around in your head....

Unless Ns can truly "love," I don't see how they can change.

Moonlightkisu

Oh Wow! that gave me goosebumps you explained that so well, thank you for posting this.

Would definately like to put a copy of this in our links learning about Ns, are you ok with that?

All the best to you xxx

Cassi wrote:guest

Oh Wow! that gave me goosebumps you explained that so well, thank you for posting this.

Would definately like to put a copy of this in our links learning about Ns, are you ok with that?

All the best to you xxx

No problem! go right ahead!

All the best to you too :)

Sunshine12 wrote:Absolutely, positively correct. All that you mentioned in your post is exactly what my EXN has said to me over the years. I guess by now he's singing the same song to someone else.

Change did come for him...for a total of two to three months!

LOL. That is how much our 'thing' lasted in person, all of two months, before he decided he had to D&D me for a new (his now primary source) .. stating (and making his parents believe) "it was the distance." Well, that excuse only partially holds water. Like maybe 4 drops.

I'm not a geography major, but I live in the states, only 600 miles away from N, who lives up north in canada. (I am close to the US NY/Canada border.)

I suppose he figured that the phillpines (which is in asia) would be alot closer to canada. Well you know. It must be closer.

The truth is, his ideal of the perfect woman is an asian one who also looks very young, is demure, subserviant, and compliant (he is white, which he also hates.)

To him, she's the perfect doormat, he assumes. She will never backtalk me when I ask for chicken and then I smack her in the face because she ran out and made meatloaf instead! she will know her place, unlike me.

He'd much rather go for the "prime beef" (supply) than the hamburger he considered me (depleted source), even though I was what I would call at the time, the best woman he ever had in his life.

I am counting the days until his failure comes to light with this attempt. How long should I give him .. 1, maybe 2, if he's lucky, 3 months? it defies logic how anything can work with such a dysfunctional failure of a human being firstly -- secondly, since he lives in canada, he'd have to move there or move her to canada to have a better chance. Even so, things are going to inevitably crumble because he just cannot do things right. He mistakenly assumes it's the woman that is the problem. Little does he know, it's just him. He is the only problem.

Oh boy, lol. The sad thing is, I do feel she believes him and that they are going to have this magical fairytale life together. (That he seems to like promising to every woman he meets.)

Oh well, not my problem! lol .. I even tried to warn her, too (I didn't contact her -- she decided to contact me first, 3 times.). But you know how that goes.

moonlightkisu, I love your post and have added it to my (now 51 page) document of things that resonate with me regarding NPD. Thanks!

stillhealing wrote:guest, I love your post and have added it to my (now 51 page) document of things that resonate with me regarding NPD. Thanks!

Glad it helped you out! :)

I was involved with a BPD for some time, six months. We had a conversation once which started me thinking how shallow he was.

I was helping him loose weight and retone his body through diet and exercise. He asked me if I was proud of myself for the changes he was making. I said I was proud of him for making the changes in himself, and I was proud to know in someway that I helped. He didnt' believe me and nearly called me a liar to my face.

He called me passive aggressive,

Said that I had road rage when I verbalized my frustration at idiot driving which nearly got us in an accident. I didn't do anything, I just yelled in frustration and kept my cool.

He repeatedly called me a whore because of something I did in my past because I had to make money to survive. Something I am not really proud of but something I did anyway and have no real regrets over doing, I learned a lot from that experience.

But the big lie was that he needed me and felt better with me. Not true at all. He rebounded into a relationship with a pot farmer and plans on getting married to him. From what I understand this is the 2nd person after me in addition to many failed relationships. It was all everyone elses fault, never his.

I wonder how long this one will last?

Not NPD, but BPD people have similar issues. They have attachment issues and if you don't make them feel secure, they get pissed and rageful. Just like the N, if you don't give them admiration and adulation and respect, they get rageful!

the guy told me that I hurt him badly in an email where he told me what he was going to tell the judge if I pushed for the restraining order. He was going to tell the judge everything about my history and make me out to be the bad one.

Who abused whom here? I think this is called projection. But in reality he is the one who hit and verbally assualted his previous partners. I never hit anyone nor have I ever psychologically abused anyone. OH I have said a few things here and there, but not to the extent he portratyed it out to be. But I have appologized when I hurt someone or thought I hurt someone. He never appologized.

The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4951

Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity
Disorder)?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4950

Narcissists as Drama Queens

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4948

The Narcissist as Know-it-all

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4945

Grandiosity, Fantasies, and Narcissism

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4923