Our Forum members red flags.
RED FLAGS MISSED – BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP
TOTALLY unsuspecting, seamless all-the-way -- unless you trusted that GUT from the beginning**
Knew he was a pathological liar AND a narcissist before starting a personal relationship with him. Just thought (naively) that he would be "different" with me.
Warned me in the beginning that he gets bored easy
Rushed the relationship
Was way too nice, almost perfect.
Had absolutely NO sense of humor.
Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family
All of his ex's were 'nut jobs'
Divorced twice already, before the age of 38.
Had two cell phones
Used the sympathy ploy like a fine chiseled tool.
made the statement "I was once a real dog. I have never gotten so attached in any relationship that I could not walk away from any woman at any time" - I chose to believe that this meant he had changed... simply because he said so.
Seemed to mimic me, in my body language and my way of speaking.
Has many children but never talks about them.
Talked about himself pretty much 100% of the time
Says he functions just like a computer. Stores and remembers everything for a later date.
Borrowed a substantial amount of money from me on three occasions within the first three months of the relationship.
Told me up front he had a history of being a compulsive liar and a cheater -- but that was the "old him" and he would never do that to me.
Wanted to be engaged to me and living with me within the first few weeks of dating me.
Wanted to buy me a gift (gold and diamonds) on our first date.
Asked me if I would consider marrying him just 2 weeks after we met.
Had to work 18 hours a day for the first 6 months we dated
My refrigerator reminded him of his mother's .... and he thought that that was a sign from heaven that we were meant to be together
Couldn't hold an intelligent conversation (I didn't care - I was in-love )
Props some on a pedestal; shreds others to pieces....esp. if they are more successful than he is. Those on the pedestal are often corrupt.
Likes to say, "you're the only one who understands me, has my phone number, etc..." Trying to make me "feel special".
He tells different versions of the same story to different people, in front of me, without even realizing it. Even changes his story when I am the only one he has told!
The biggest red flag was when I left to go on a conference and he was insanely jealous. Out of nowhere. No history of being jealous - it just popped out.
Another similar flag was when his old girlfriend came into town for tennis and he called me up to humbly ask permission to play. ??? He never needed "permission" to do anything.
We met on the internet and he wanted to meet me right away.
He wanted to have sex the first night
Told me all his deep dark secrets right away including drama on his exes (i should have ran then)
Presents himself as more dignified, more respectable, more holier than the rest
Everyone on their first day thinks he is the boss (despite title) because he makes impression he is the real one in charge**
REALLY aggressive sexually - pursued me and persevered through a long period of time. When I started dating him, he said, "If I had known you were this wonderful, we would have been dating a lot sooner." It was because I made him food.
Crazymaking, right from the beginning.
Into fashion and really vain, into his car and clothes and skin
Name-dropper and revealed details to have himself be perceived as wealthy, which he was not
Played horrific jokes on people, usually involving exlax or something similar.
Argues in such a way (really convincing) to make people think things are their fault.
Treated me like a child for the smallest of infractions to his rules. I fell for this one a very long time.
Had a horrific childhood and the story was awful and was used to gain sympathy from many people, even the recently met.
Was previously addicted to meth, cocaine, heroin and other drugs and alcohol for years. I
thought it was great that he overcame them and I admired him for it
Has been obsessed with my weight since the beginning of our relationship.
Hypersexual, but really distant, didn't look in my eyes. I just thought it was because he was damaged. He was, but I felt sorry for him and thought I could love him through his problems.
Our very first date was 24 hours after we met. By the end of that date he had me. Not only was I 'in love"(lol) , I felt overwhelming pity at how he was so 'abused' by everyone in his life-including his 2 previous ex wives....
Appears to be a highly involved father of his 10 year old girl. Hasn't ever missed one single time with her in 7 years and goes above the norm with her(I thought this was good compared to others I've seen/heard).
Didn't know what his sister meant when she looked at me in a casual conversation and said "DON'T let him do that to you" I was thinking "Don't let him do what to me?"
Overlooked major family rifts thinking no family is perfect.
He spoke critically of everyone who lived around him, they all were lower then him and had the problems, not him
Would never answer his own phone, Never!
Bragged about himself.
The xN in the beginning wanting to know everything about me, I told him a lot.
Pushed the relationship very fast in the beginning then brought it abruptly to an end.
Called me every day, even when on holiday.
Took offence to the suggestion that this was too much.
Was jealous when I praised friends, was jealous of my achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.
Thought nothing of making unilateral decisions that would negatively affect my life, arguing “but I thought that our love was strong enough”. What about me?
Seemed very closed-minded to those of different backgrounds – no attempt to relate.
Passed judgement on my mother's mental health problems before even meeting her, and told me he saw similar tendencies in me.
Ignored my attempts to get him to express more positive criticism
He hated planning things, arguing that he liked to be 'spontaneous'.
His actions never matched his words!
Be condescending to the waitstaff
Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.
Had lost lots of jobs due to "evil" colleagues and bosses
Really rude to shop assistants and enjoyed seeing their reaction
His use of violent language and penchant for violence in film.
I went into complete and utter denial over his sexual pecadillos. His abusive and bizarre sexual taste was a major red flag.
I made allowances for much of his abusive behavior because I put it down to "cultural differences.
I always knew he was a prick from day one, it wasn't until I almost left him and he had a breakdown that I KNEW he wasn't right.
If you're in the dark about their past, you qualify as their Next Victim, and they proceed to the next step...
Many thanks to the following members who contributed………..
Lost, 1PrettyMirror, louxloux, ArminVBfan, tish, free2b, qsuss, purplegirl, stillbreathing, Mildred1, Trinity38100, superclerk3, foodhero1971, free@last, carrie4, sweetcaroline51, dontknowwhattodo, dyinginside, stillbreathing, standup4peace, nightowl, ExhaustedAussie, fugu, freedom62, Oknow.
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