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Dr. Vaknin's Weekly Case Study: Susan

Submit a Case Study and Sam Vaknin, in person, will analyze your situation and offer insight, coping strategies, and remedies.


Moderators: WindSong, samvaknin

Dr. Vaknin's Weekly Case Study: Susan

Postby WindSong » Mon Nov 10, 2008 11:55 am

REMEMBER ONLY SUSAN HAS THE OK TO POST ON THIS THREAD!
______________________________________________________

Hi There!!

My name is Susan! I have a very long very difficult story to write, I am still at the moment living with the nightmare narcissist! And i can't apologize for that statement! It is just that.
I met him exactly 3 years ago October 24Th it feels like 10! I met him on match dot.com . when i read his profile letter in response to him writing me it was scary amazing that i could have actually possible found someone who not only looked good but had his act together! i am a very high energy, self sufficient women My instincts have always been so on the money all my life i have a problem with completely giving myself to a permanent relationship because i have a trust issue! well in walks the nightmare!!!! As i mentioned he was this sweet kind (so i thought )soulful man with a huge
heart(understatement doesn't
even begin to express) who i thought he was!! i was on my own in my own condo living by myself he had mentioned in the beginning he worked for himself, I never really asked what he did because i was so busy working 14 to 15 hr days myself from 4:00am till no later then 5:30 or 6pm right from the beginning we were hooked at the hip i felt that he was a bit intense that he never wanted to ever leave i did think that a bit strange since he barley knew me! but what was more scary was that i felt this impulse to allow him to be with me that much after 3 day he never left he pretty much moved in after 3 weeks! well! i should say i came home from work on niter and i had told him i had left a key for him to use in case he got here before me he wasn't moved in at that time i was giving him that key for the purpose of really letting himself in when i was on my way home! he didn't take it that way i never thought that one day i was paged at work and it was him he
said hi!!( at that point he had never been there without me before! he said i made dinner and candles and what type wine do u want i said i don't know how to get to your house, He said (proudly) no I'm in you're house!! My heart stopped and i was blown away he felt the uncertainty in my voice but when i arrives he charmingly made it seem OK! long story short, he wound up telling me he was this great entrepreneur etc:: i was not impressed he said i see Ur not impressed by that i aid no i not i not materialistic i a self made women who's worked my whole life! He wasn't the typical man who wanted to woo me by telling me holy cow (the typical thing I'd always heard) hows such a beautiful women like yourself be all alone and Ur eyes are so amazing and Ur body geese!!! I'm a trainer (it better be) so he didn't do all that crap id always heard he was so different he talked respected my feeling , didn't want to just jump into bed with me! he became my best
friend
with occasional benefits, Now i myself like sexual relationships i wasn't ready for all those excuses of why he wasn't but i welcomed the friendship part first!!!!he was intimidated by my sexuality i thought it was just because he was married for a long time, but then he mentioned he had someone after her (wife) for 6 months but they weren't sexual! he was compelled to tell me about his relationships (i thought that was strange) but he was so charming and friendly and then cuddly i didn't care)he was more interested in sleeping with me sexless!! i wasn't liking that! he had a million excuses! I was so sympathetic to him he started immediately how horrible his x-wife was and his x-girlfriend was insane and a drunk and he did everything in his power to help her (them) after 2 weeks i said to him ! enough of hearing about Ur exes i said to him I'm not like that! my past is my past i mentioned i have a strong compliance with myself that i don't with anyone
past
relationships1 because its not a healthy thing for a new one !! from that point on it was a challenge for him to bit by bit learn about my past !!! Well did he ??? of course!!!!!! on and on and on and on to the point where he convinced me i actually felt better about myself by doing so and he claimed (then ooh Susan it's your turn now to be treated like u always should have and i said in return live and learn he never let up on all of it right down to my childhood as a little girl and boys girls where i went who i hung with etc::::: he actually got me to get rid of my condo make me feel that i was being taken advantage of in my position at work(after 5 years and making outrageous money that i should move on and get a place together!! I was so smitten by him i said first!! so are we committed to one another ! (in my mind oh i found my soul mate) oh my life was achieved in finding who I've never given my heart too!! we moved into a huge rental house
5 bdrm s huge 2 acres overlooking a beautiful park fenced in the owners loved us, phil (the n) sorry, had a range rover i though well he must have some change put away if he can afford to maintain this car i drove a common SUV i didn't lack money or confidence with financial status!!! we moved in for four months it was bliss i though it was strange he didn't go to work like normal people but he claimed he worked on the computer , he appeared to (then be neat and clean and organized) huh!! surprise surprise!!! I am scorpion women I'm matriculate clean organized to a almost ocd in a little sense i am so outgoing soft heart ed and don't pretend to be anything that I'm not i tell it like it is and that's what u get!!! well after a while passed and we were perfect i was loving his warmth and even making love more! but not without the assistance of porno films constantly to the point i wasn't cutting it for him at all!!! i was mortified! my
lacking sex appeal wasn't something that was who i am( without sounding stuck up) I have sex appeal so what was this new rejection for me ????? killed me!! he danced around everything i asked convinced me otherwise! i also found out he'd been cutting up my adder all i have taken normally since i was in collage!! I am not an abuser it help me focus and helps my dyslexia completely , but he actually convinced me he had no insurance that he always been taking Ritalin too!! but i argued this is prescription for me i have to work with clients i need to focus i work at 4am and change people lives with confidence self esteem and confidence along with there bodily well being!! convinced me to give him half my script!!!! i ration my half until he wound up taking more from me on the slide! i started hiding them! from him he would find them i started taking then in the bathroom etc::::: he would fly high snorting them then becoming obsessed with sex like out of
control
first it was great but 24 hrs then to the point it was like he was this other person and sweaty and scary!!!! i still had to go to work with no sleep but he was already pretty convincing to make me quit what id loved teaching and doing for 24 years!! i did we lived off me and along with this silent partner that had been supporting hi m for 4 years (which i found out from his x-wife) i told u this is a long long scary story its so involved!!!! He then started showing les and less passion toward me less affection less communication less feelings toward anything, I got a new job ! he accused me of flirting with men and obsessed with my old boyfriend who has been gone for 3 years since i met my n everything was changing he was sneaky about phone call seemed to have difficulties getting money my funds were running lower with that huge rent, his silent partner was not willing to pay anymore considering he(the silent partner) ws paying his alimony
his child support he cell phone his car his car insurance (what wasn't he paying) Phil was no entrapnuer at all!!!! O MG!! he became obsessed with this one x-boyfriend of mine to the point of digging in my personal things to find things out about me that he swore id been hi\ding like a secret past or something well when this so called silent partner said he wasn't paying anymore( which i still didn't realize) i thought he was receiving check from working on (i don't even know he always gave me some mumble jumbo l) well that's was it i could only pay so much i was working as a massage therapist(on the side in homes) which he stopped too! so i wasn't working he never was!!! where was this money coming from?? he called everyone under the sun for money (meanwhile acting like this is normal) like these people he called actually owed him the money(so i thought) Not knowing that he'd already owed 30,000 from his ex0wives father behind her back for a
beach house that he rented with his family and her thinking he'd earned it too!~ so he got some and each time snowed the landlord some excuses why he couldn't give the whole amount!! The man had more stories then i am old! but he always pulled it off!!! I got a jeep wrangler for transporting kids back and forth to and from school (yes mine and his) My daughter hated him saw right threw him in the beginning. we wound up losing that too once again nothing so he had me go to welfare i did to put food on the table! that's was degrading but i did it made the most of what i could so t the point where we were kicked out pad lock on door left on the streets i got us into a hotel welfare hotel but it was for only me and my daughter he had no where to go since No one in his family want anything to do with him no t his mom his sister his kids his brother aunt uncle now i know why!!! well he convinced me to sneak him in the hotel and i did well there really
strict on obeying the rules and caught me with Phil there because they knocked on the door
Susan and i said to him don't answer the phone or the door and what does he do?? answer the phone and says hes my brother and my daughter then refused to stay there cause the kids at school would make fun of her so she stayed at her dads but since peter bought there attention there now they found out my daughter was not with me and i had to go to court and give all that money back! where was Phil sitting at a bar with someone!! and justifying that it was OK He justifies everything he does all the time there's so much more here to write to you im not sure i can keep on going i cant type fast enough well now its 3 years later and hes on the phone with women in so called business till
1 or 2 in the morning and and has no patients for me short with me disrespects me curses at me calls me a whore that i should go back to my old boyfriend and be the whore that i am he blows me off at a restaurant when women walk in yet an old friend called me and i say im involved with Phil and it was like i had sex in front of him this is nothing now hes so mentally abusive out of control non stop day in and day out now that i am jobless and penniless he tortures me 24/7 i have tried to work he just comes there and makes a scene he out of control and what hes focusing on is in his mind im cheating with a person that doesn't even exist in my life he spits in my face throws chairs and dishes screams out the most disgusting words that Ive ever heard before i had to call the cops on him he gets out now hes here in this apartment i got from little work i did do on my furniture he had nothing ever i had it all he came with a broken TV and little bit
of clothes now i cant get him out this so called man (silent partner is supporting himself again i think its almost up to a million now he owes this guy) Why does he keep on believing he will close a deal !! That never does this mans supporting him for 6 years now Ive found out !!! and he must realize he will never see any of his money ever again!! but i cant get him out im stuck with this phys co path it AL mine i have no where to go no family each time i get work he makes a scene there i cant do this anymore he acts like he's the victim to everything he does and creates all the hurt he causes he is soulless and has no heart but the second he thinks hes betrayed ! (which is in his head) hes crazy insane and violent with his mouth and throwing things its further detailed but hes now out of control because he thinks ive cheated! But id like to know how and when since he with me 24/7 if i walk the dog he come if i go to the bathroom he come !! he
reads all my e-mail checks all my phone calls he has even checked out texts from my kids thinking hes gonna catch me in god know s what!! Holy cow this is really a insane person hes scary now he really thinks hes a victim here truly 3 years Ive put up with this betrayal ON THE PHONE DISSAPEARING AWAY WITH FRIENDS FOR DAYS NIT ANSWERING PHONE AND ALWAYS HIS LIES WERE ALL TRUE BUT ME PUNISHED FOR 3 YEARS OVER A X-BOYFRIEND FROM 6 YEARS AGO (NOW) AND STILL TORTURES ME !! well THAT BOYFRIEND WAS IN JAIL FROM (MAFIA) RELATED ISSUES AND NOW HE CAM OUT AND CONTACTED ME FOR HIS THINGS WHICH I DON'T HAVE BUT I TALKED TO HIM HERE IN THIS HOUSE OVER NOTHING I ADMITTED IT AND YOU'D THINK I HAD INTERCOURSE WITH HIM IN FRONT OF HIM! omg SO IM MAKING THIS SHORTER NO BECAUSE IVE HAD ENOUGH OF MY BLOOD BOILING FROM WRITING THIS AND IM NOT CONCENTRATING IM TOO UPSET HES IN THE BACKGROUND SMASHING THINGS AS WE TYE(ME) AND CALLING ME NAMES THROWING THINGS TELLING ME
ALL THE SAME BS THAT HE ALWAYS HAS >> SO I HOPE THIS HELP UR STUDY i KNOW U MUST GET BOMBARDED WITH THEM BUT THIS IS A FULL BLOWN SERIAL KILLER IN THE MAKING WELL MAYBE NOT SERIAL KILLER BUT MENTALLY KILLER , NOW HE IS ON THE PHONE LIKE HES SWEET TALKING ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL HE IS LAUGHING TELLING WHOEVER IM THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE !! He's CRAZY. did I MENTION HE'S 53 IM 45,
not THAT REALLY MATTERS BUT SINCE IM TELLING A STORY THERE SURLY MUST HAVE A AGE TO THE STORY

thanks FOR READING THIS I HOPE U CAN UNDERSTAND IT BUT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING BACK FROM YOU,

THANK YOU ,
Susan

Here are Susan's Five Questions:
my five questions are :

1) does the n actually believe he's the victim when the obvious to any normal person knows the truth(that doesn't exist to him!)

2)Is this normal for him when we stop believing in him anymore and refuse his supply that he becomes extremely scary and insane to anyone that see or hears him especially myself

3) until i can find a moment i can actually leave this frighting situation, what can i do to stop him from acting like i fear for my life with out destroying whats left of my apartment

4) how do i convince the police once they come that he really is insane instead of his brilliance convincing them it's me

5) besides this site for dealing and coping with this insanity, is there a specific group i can physically go to to have some friends who understand, no one understands the extremity of this person or think i stuck with and cant get out??[please i desperate and scared
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Victim posture

Postby samvaknin » Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:27 pm

ANSWER TO QUESTION NUMBER 1

Yes, narcissists and psychopaths often assume the victim posture. Click on these links to learn more:

Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5002

Guilt? What guilt?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4931

How Victims are Pathologized and re-abused by the System

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5068

Narcissists as Drama Queens

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4948

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Postby samvaknin » Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:23 pm

ANSWER TO QUESTION NUMBER 2

The Narcissist's Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq28.html

The Delusional Way Out - The narcissist reacts to deficient narcissistic supply by becoming schizoid, masochistic, paranoid, or delusional

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal42.html

Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html

http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/m ... =deficient

Grandiosity, Fantasies, and Narcissism

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4923

Narcissists and Emotions

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5248

Narcissists and Mood Disorders

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5067
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How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

Postby samvaknin » Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:25 pm

ANSWER TO QUESTION NUMBER 3

Violent, Vindictive, Sadistic, and Psychopathic Narcissists

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4938

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/4.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal68.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal56.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html
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Selecting the right professional

Postby samvaknin » Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:26 pm

ANSWER TO QUESTION NUMBER 4

Abusers co-opt mental health and social welfare workers and compromise them – even when the diagnosis is unequivocal – by flattering them, by emphasizing common traits or a common background, by forming a joint front against the victim of abuse ("shared psychosis"), or by emotionally bribing them. Abusers are master manipulators and exploit the vulnerabilities, traumas, prejudices, and fears of the practitioners to "convert" them to the offender's cause.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further contact with her batterer – is bound to be chastised by her therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate with her violent spouse.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges are human. Some of them are social reactionaries, others are narcissists, and a few are themselves spouse abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the psychological profession.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse2.html

Male therapists may assume the mantle of the "chivalrous rescuer", the "knight in the shining armour" – thus, inadvertently upholding the victim's view of herself as immature, helpless, in need of protection, vulnerable, weak, and ignorant. The male therapist may be driven to prove to the victim that not all men are "beasts", that there are "good" specimen (like himself). If his (conscious or unconscious) overtures are rejected, the therapist may identify with the abuser and re-victimise or pathologise his patient.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily24.html

The abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active aid of their victims – over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse9.html

Selecting the right professional is crucial. In the hands of an incompetent service provider, you may end up feeling abused all over again.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

Save for later reference! Forward to interested parties and relevant
discussion and mailing groups!

Divorcing the Narcissist, Psychopath, Bully, or Stalker

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/5.html

Getting Help

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse19.html

Domestic Violence Shelters

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse20.html

Planning and Executing Your Getaway

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21.html

Should You Get the Police Involved?

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21a.html

Peace Bonds and Restraining Orders

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21b.html

The Narcissist in Court

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq78.html

The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse2.html

Conning the System

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily10.html

Befriending the System

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily11.html

Working with Professionals

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily12.html

Interacting with Your Abuser

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily13.html

What to Expect

The Vindictive Narcissist

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq75.html

The Three Forms of Closure

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse17.html
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Support

Postby samvaknin » Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:30 pm

ANSWER TO QUESTION NUMBER 5

here are numerous support groups for abused and battered women. Ask around. The police, social welfare, municipality, domestic violence shelters - all of them should be able to provide you with the relevant info.

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/verba ... onal_abuse

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... e/messages

The Narcissistic Abuse Study List

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

The Toxic Relationships Study List

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships

Abusive Relationships Newsletter

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links:

http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Psychopathsgroup/

Archived discussion threads - click on these links:

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.co ... ssions.cfm

http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm ... onal_abuse

http://www.suite101.com/discussuions.cf ... stic_abuse

Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5458

Support groups for victims of narcissists and psychopaths (and one or two groups for narcissists)

http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Di ... rt_Groups/

Hope you found this case study helpful. Take care.

Sam
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