Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

SassyAnnie13131 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 228 Location: Minnesota

Jen,

Let me do some translating his Word Salad.

*He says he is going to keep asking until he has no doubt I mean No.* I just told my normie BF of over one year this and his jaw dropped. He said, "When a woman says no about sex, it means NO. End of discussion." That is very true AND what a normal, non-disordered man says. Btw, my BF is 24 years old. I can be Sassy at times, lol, so I would end up asking him, "What would it take for there to be no more doubt, N?"

*He says he wants to do it with me not with someone else.*
No, he is saying he wants to do it with you AND someone else! His is being contradictory, Jen. They do this to keep us off balance so we are easier to control. This is a threat!

*He only wants me but will find someone else in the end if I won't go along with him.*
He contradicts the statement above, see? "I am going to threaten you with the loss of of-so-wonderful-me!" If only he knew. Losing him would be like losing 200 lbs of dead weight.

*He is still looking at the sex sites. Still checking his e mails. Still expects to have a nrmal relationship with me.*
So, he goes from not wanting to screw anyone but you, to wanting to screw others and will if you do not comply with his insane demands and then expects normal? It doesn't work that way. Sorry.

*How can I get through to him that I want no part of it.*
Well, you say, "N, just so there is no more doubt, I will never, ever in a million years participate in sexual escapades. I do not have to explain myself, just as a rape victim does not have to explain why SHE is saying no. No means No. You said you wanted there to be no doubt. Let there be none. If you leave, that is your choice. I have made mine." When he goes on and on and tries to upset you to get things to escalate, simply keep responding, "This matter is no longer up for discussion. You will not change my mind."

* He says he would be able to find someone else to fit my shoes out of 5,000 women. He says he has hundreds of e mails he hasn't opened yet because he wants to know for sure I won't go. *
Great! Yes! Go right on out of the house to those 'others'. Adios! Set boundaries. If you were to say, "you do that, you leave, it's done" he will ONLY become sneaky & cheat anyway. So, the trick here is to make leaving more desirable than staying. Stop being good NS. This means you must act indifferent. "I am sorry you feel that way" and "I will weigh that with thoughtful consideration" (as long as the "that" is not about sex) and "This matter is not up for discussion" could work. Just know, once you say that last one, he will say, "What, suddenly MY needs don't mean anything to you? Here I am trying to tell you how I feel and you become this cold b*tch and don't care about MY feelings anymore!" This is where flatly say, "I am sorry you feel that way." <-it's important you pull that off without being sarcastic.

*How much does it take to convince him NO. I have told him to go for it, but it doesn't seem to sink in. He is still here.*
Why buy the milk when you can have the whole cow for free? You're not married. He can come and go as he pleases, which he will. A lot. With others, men AND women. You've got to set boundaries. However, he WILL violate them. The key is to set them, and FOLLOW THROUGH. If your words and actions do not match, there is NO reason for him to alter his behavior. No recourse, no consequences and no accountability. So.... it's time to consult and atty and see what you can do to retain your assets.

Eventually, living alone while healthy will become more desirable than being sick with someone else. Once that happens, you will do what it takes to get out, or get him out. Period. He is abusing you so severely right now. The sex threats, the threats of withholding...that is ABUSE. It ranks right there with being physically assaulted. The internal damage is the same.

Stay strong, Jen. You are not wrong, mean, selfish etc for not wanting to allow your BF to pimp you out to others. If you are uncomfortable with what he demands, that is your choice and your RIGHT to feel that way. Jen, I have been raped. I have sexual issues. My normie BF does not EVER, EVER pressure me, harass me nor punish me if we do not have sex frequently. He would be appalled. Sex is something that is special and sacred, I feel. It is supposed to be fun. One should feel safe and cherished as a result of sex. NOT like a wh*re in bed.

Hugs,
Annie

SassyAnnie13131 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 228 Location: Minnesota

PS- Sorry for the typos, I am super tired. LOL

neVERAgain · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 2

Annie,
Very well done. Wow.

stillsmilen · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 355

WOW is right!! Annie that was awesome. Wink

stillsmilen
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I made him very sorry that he chose me as a victim!!!
He may have knocked me down, but I got right back up... And kicked his a**!!
(metaphorically speaking ofcourse, but if he hadn't gotten the PPO, I probably would have done it literally too!!)

jenrussell2 · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 66

Yes Wow. Thanks Annie.

kellyatk02 · Joined: 02 Mar 2007 Posts: 1

I am new here, but I read your post and can feel your pain. My husband, who I have just discovered is an N, was married twice before me. In his second marriage, he did the same with is wife. They ended up with just one woman at first, then it evolved into every weekend thing with other couples and group sex and planning trips with these people they had sex with. They were totally obsessed with it to the point that it had destroyed their marriage. It was his doing. He pushed her into it, but she was young and went along with him to please him and in the end lost herself and felt extremely guilty for having turned into a slut. She is a high school teacher. Imagine that. That is all they were about...she was just a sex object for him to pawn off on other men so he has permission to screw other women in front of her. How sick is that?????

I did not find out about any of this until after we had been married. If I would have known, I would NOT have married him. I ended up getting pregnant on our wedding night and have stayed in the marriage for 5 years. It has been 5 years of hell for me, but that is another story. --I have never done anything like he did with his 2nd wife, as he knows better than to ever even ASK me!

So please do not put yourself into that position. You know in your heart that it is wrong to do. You know that you do not want to do it. So do not do it just for him. He doesn't want you to do it because he loves you. Like one of the other women has said, he wants you there because he is feeling inadequate. He doesn't have the confidence to do it on his own, so he will drag you there. If you don't like it, and he does, then he will end up in that lifestyle and leave you alone. Is that what you want? Or do you want to follow him around and participate with other men and women and watch him with others too? I don't think you want that.

It is quite common for N's to do this sort of activity, as I have discovered, but you need to stand your moral ground. You need to live with yourself. Could you live with the guilt? Do not let him pressure you into doing anything. A man who really values and loves his wife would never ask or expect her to do anything like that.

Don't lose yourself to this too!!! Stay strong. You need to keep strong. If that is what he wants, then let him go alone...and then go your separate ways. It is hard, I know, but you do not want to be in that type of lifestyle, you don't want to bring your kids around that. Have you any idea the diseases he could bring home to you? These are strangers he will be having sex with, strangers who have had sex with other strangers for quite some time. It is a huge group of people who do this sort of thing. It is bigger than you might think it is. And it is totally disgusting to me to even think of mothers and fathers, teachers, doctors laywers, librarians, nurses, pta ladies, etc doing this sort of thing but they do.
You might run into these people out there, can you face them?

Think long and hard before you jump, if you are considering it. But I hope that you do not. I don't think you really want to. I wish you wouldn't.But who am I, just a stranger. You have to do what is right for you. If you will have no regrets, no hard feelings, and not get hurt, and want to do it, then go for it. But since you have already said nol, I don't think you want to do that.

You can't convince him that NO means NO because he is trying to persuade you to change your mind. Let him know that in no uncertain terms you will ever do that, ever and if he wants to do that sort of thing not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

Take care, I really feel for you. I do. I hate to see anyone in any turmoil. I'm there, on different issues, but there all the same, so I feel for you. Plus I know that no good can come from this if you give in to him.

Kelly

jenrussell2 · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 66

Thanks Kelly for those wise words.

I am still in the same predicament, but am a lot stronger on this and know there is no way I would even consider it for a second. He is still saying to me that this is my last chance and when he is gone he is gone. and the only way he will talk to me is if there is something he needs to discuss with his business. So why is he still here. He says there is a couple that want to meet up this weekend, yet he told me he is just advertising himself. He says I know you are not interested but I just wanted to let you know that this is your last chance. still rubbing it in.

In the next breath he wants me to sign the place over to him and he will sign a piece of paper saying he owes me what we agreed on 4 years ago, with no interest of course. and he will pay me when the place sells. He keeps harping on me now wanting a decision on this. Of course I am not going to even think of giving him a decision. I know it is No. Waste of time telling him that, because he will just keep bringing that up too.

He says he is recording and videoing everything I say when he is talking with me. He told me this tape would be used in court and I would look really stupid.

I had my recorder going and he didn't know. So I said I should have brought my recorder out here and he said yes, you should have done.
I said I wanted to hear his tape and he said one day he would play it to me. Its all in his mind. Someone suggested taping some of the stuff that goes on. I have done this a few times and they are at a friends house in a safe place. Some of the words he used are really damaging to him. Legally, abusively, controlling.

He says he was told once never to trust anyone and he never has.

He was a yahoo chat site yesterday and I couldn't see which one it was.
I hope he doesn't find his way here.

I did speak to a lawyer and he told me to try and sort it out with him, rather than use a lawyer because I would probably end up getting very little.

He says this guy knows how to play the game. He seems to have covered every angle possible to not make me his common law spouse. Yet in the tape he says we built the two houses, the first one to sell again and the next one for us both to retire too, but now I have lost my last chance. Perhaps I should play it to a different lawyer.
see if it makes any difference. Boy are these N's cunning....

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Your post asks why me? Why not? Hes an N and you put up with him so of course the relationship is doomed. It was doomed thr first time you met. He is having delusions of granduer thinking he can do this.
Dump him. You already know why hes an N and why it got so bad. You deserve better and until you start belieing that you will continue to get this sick treatment.

Sally
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Sally

Just when I thought my life was over, it started again.