Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

***** This is really long and I wrote it in 2002 to help me in my healing. I'm putting this up so maybe it might help one woman choose not to do online dating. I am so very opposed to online dating due to what happened to me and many other women's stories of horror that I have read. It might take me up to a week to do this, because of it's length and I'm having to revise it taking out names and places to protect the innocent people who were also targeted by this man. If it was just me I'd be putting his name up to there to warn you all about him. But there are others and I myself am in hiding since he got let out of prison. So forgive me for the time it takes as this is a huge project. I will tell you The End when I get to it.********* Love, Windy
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My Story: Meeting The Devil:
I found out about the internet in 1997. My dad had gotten a computer and I would get on it and play around and look at stuff, mainly music sites, because I love music.
But I couldn't be on as much as I wanted to try this new stuff out. And then my autistic son's teacher suggested I get a computer for him because he had such trouble writing that he was going to have to learn to type. I didn't have a few hundred dollars to go out and buy one because I was a single mom working at McDonalds to get by. I couldn't get nursing work any more because I couldn't keep the regular schedule of the job. I didn't have any help and my oldest son had bad asthma and I was always getting called out of work. So I had to go someplace with "Mommy hours". So I went to a Rent-A-Center and rented to own one. Our lives were about to change drastically.
The boys used the computer and my autistic son did his work on the computer and we would email it to the teachers as his homework. But at night when the kids were asleep I could get on the computer and mess around. I had a favorite form of music that I loved very dearly and I started posting on one board in particular. I made friends fast, and email pen pals flocked to me to talk to me. I was very enthusiastic and very passionate about the music and I made those friends easily and quickly. I became popular and I had no idea of the "demons" that the internet would bring with it to my home and in my heart and how it would threaten to destroy our lives. I was very naive and didn't understand.

My internet experiences never even started with the intentions of falling in love or finding love. That was the last thing in the back of my mind. I had been on my own from my first husband for six years, and I was a lonely woman, but I had found people that liked to talk to me about the music and I was happy. I made a very special friend from the The Netherlands, Ton. I enjoyed talking with him all the time about music and life.

My first taste of how people who are not sane can come across the internet came on one of the Brian Wilson Message Boards. A woman who was writing me also realized Ton and I became friends and became jealous, and started to harass me on all of the message boards. In those days I had a temper. and I would get on the boards and give as good as I got. I got deleted a couple of times, and I am afraid I gave off the reputation of a flake myself. I didn't mean to, but this woman would make me so angry, and at the time I had no idea how to handle my anger. Barbara Ann and I had many ups and downs and she was eventually kicked off the board for threatening another poster, and I stayed.

I was enamored with the internet and a little bit confused by my feelings
for my internet pen-pal from California. I had feelings for him, but it still
never entered my mind that a real romance could happen from the internet. And what little I had heard, you just didn't do such things. People had been murdered trying this stuff out. And then he informs me he is married. That cut that out. Well, that wasn't to be all of it, but nothing ever came of it.

I quickly began to live my existence on a computer. My whole life was becoming about that. I had the misfortune to be targeted by 2 separate men who wanted me to have cyber sex with them. One I talked on the phone with regularly, he wanted to do phone sex as well. Was a big turn off for me. I didn't care much for it at all. So I dumped them and headed back to that first message board.

I started back into the message board and posting again with fervor. I
decided to go for it and have fun. I wanted to get my mind off things. New
posters were showing up on the boards all the time. I liked some of the new ones on the BW board a lot. One was a guy named Brian Jones. I liked him, he seemed to have such a great sense of humor. He and I became joking friends, ribbing each other on the board all the time. It was fun, nothing romantic, just fun. There was another Brian who had started posting too, that Brian J. became friends with. This guy seemed a little silly to me. He was very enthusiastic, talked about his music which he was doing, and wanted everybody to listen, and loved the music. I liked him despite his goofiness. I would think one time about writing him and saying hello, but decided not to, because I had more pen-pals than I could keep up with.

But Brian J was writing to me, and would often write me and this other Brian at the same time. My emails were often addressed to me with also being addressed to him next to my name. So he was sending us both the same emails. I thought that was interesting, but still didn't pursue it. I had like 40 some pen-pals. I didn't need anymore. I had a board to run too. I had more than enough to do on the internet and I didn't want it to take up MORE of my life.

Well one day, this other Brian emails me, and says "hello". He figures being we are both being emailed by Brian J, that he would just go ahead and say hello. I wrote him back to be nice. My life was about to change forever, and I had no clue it was coming. He writes back and tells me he makes his own music and asks if I would go to his mp3 site and listen. I do. And I am knocked out. He sounded like our favorite musician! I am like WOW! and the song is good, like oldies with the falsetto music. He is good at making that kind of music. I was so moved by the song I listened to that I wrote him a most heartfelt note. The song I listened to was amazing and I thought to be so romantic at the time. He sang of a girl that he could find, "Only In My Dreams". It was such a sweet song I thought. Again I say, I thought.

I was clueless. I had no idea he used that song and all of his music as one of his "tools" to ensnare women. And the worst part is, he couldn't sing! I didn't know about Pro Tools at the time!

Well, Brian Simpson and I started to email and instant message like crazy. I really liked him a lot. He felt the same way about things as I did. He liked what I did and disliked what I did. We loved the same music, and then one day he sends me HIS CD. I was in love with his music. He sang great I thought. I liked

We had found out that our favorite musician was going to be in Washington DC in July of that year, and he and his fiancé were going to go to the concert as their honeymoon. They asked if I wanted to go too. After all, I was their friend. I was beside myself, thinking I would be going to see my favorite musician, and with a friend that loved him as much as I did.

Then one day I had to go to the hospital to spend the night, for a sleep
study. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay and talk to him all evening as
I usually did now. It tore me up and as I lay in the hospital bed, it
occurred to me, "well Tammy, you might just have those internet feelings
again". He got up out of bed early those days and I got home at 4:30am that morning, all excited because he got up at 5:00am and I could talk to him. I told myself that this wasn't right because of the fact that he was engaged to another woman. So I tried to tame myself down a little. I talked to him for a bit, and then went to lay down until my children woke up. I tried telling myself as I lay down to go to sleep.. Forget this. Let it go.

The day went by so fast. That night he told me he wanted to talk to me, but
he had to wait until his fiancé went to work as she worked third shift. We
talked, and I wondered what he had to say but I didn't push it. Finally the
moment came where he told me to hold on while he said goodnight to his
fiancé. I waited with baited breath. I think part of me knew something was
up, but was in denial too. Well, he came back. And the first thing he types
is: "Tammy, I think there is something going on between us". I stared at the computer. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock. Then I panicked. I started to deny it. But I couldn't help myself either, I just kind of played it out to see exactly what HE felt. Ego. Mine.

I went to bed that night confused. And the days droned out. He told me loved me and then he told me he loved me more than music, all within days of meeting him, ON the net. He asked me to marry him not a month after we met. He told me of how his life was there. I felt so guilty because he was promised to another woman, but he told me that she was mean to him. He told me she yelled constantly at him and was a very mean woman. He was stuck there for nothing else to do and nowhere to go. He had asked her to marry him only because he felt obligated because she had bought him the music equipment for him to start his career again. He seemed so genuine, and just heartbroken that things were not working out for him and the fiancé.

I should not have let things go on, never should have let them start to begin with, but I did. It will always be one of my biggest regrets in life, although later on it would work out better for all concerned.

Then came the day that we had decided to meet. May 14th, 2001. I was to go to his house. I was scared to death, nervous. He showered me with so much attention on the internet, when he saw me would he still do that? I was a very lonely woman, had not been with a man in 7 years, and liked it. I wouldn't tell him I loved him, but I liked it and I felt guilty as hell about it. But I went to meet him. This is when I met his fiance Kelly, too. She was a nice little lady with blonde hair and a sweet disposition. She seemed to be so happy and kind. I saw here there, but I didn't see her there. My eyes were on him, and I set myself up to go into denial. I looked for a sour look from her to him. I looked for bad words to pass. I looked to find any signs that would show me that they were not happy together. But I didn't find any, so I made it that way. I convinced myself that they were wrong together and not meant to be. Oh, God, that just kills me that I behaved this way.

But with him, I was enamored to say the least. He was comical, funny, goofy and very likeable. He wasn't the best looking thing in the world, but I liked him. I was already falling in love with the man. I knew it, and he must have sensed it too. He treated me very nicely, later to find out because he thought I had some "pull" in the musical world of our favorite musician, because I was an administrator at a website. I was just a fan! Ton and I worked on the website. It was HIS domain and he put that board up for me. That was it and all of it! But he didn't know that.

When I was leaving and getting into the car, he ran up to me reminding me of a little boy, saying, "your'e pretty". He told me that because I was so concerned as to what he would think of me. I got home and practically THREW my kids in bed. I ran straight to the computer, so I could get on and talk to him. I knew he would be waiting for me and he was. What ensued was a long and mushy conversation, heartfelt on my part, as I was convinced that his Kelly didn't love him, and that I was the woman for him.

We talked of when we could meet again, alone. He came to me, and I had to figure out how to get him there without meeting my parents. I lived with my parents at the time. So I called one of my best friends, and begged her to let me and him and my kids come to her house. I didn't trust my mother and what and how she would react. Mother never reacted in a way I could expect, and never in a way that I could appreciate and I knew she wouldn't approve. Later she would call me his groupie. I didn't know it at the time, but I was. I was falling in love with a part of him, but not the right part, I was falling in love with his music. I wanted to be that girl that was only in his dreams.

He was as sweet as anything I had ever known. There was 14 years age difference between us, and he would tell me that he couldn't believe someone as young, hot and sexy would be interested in him. He made me feel like a woman again after seven years of being divorced and never dating.I was scared of getting involved because my first husband had beat me, and I never wanted to go through that again. I told him of my deepest fears and told him I would never go through that again. I tried to chase him away, and he wouldn't have any of that. I told him my "dirty little secret" that I had been sexually abused by a family member as a child. It was to be one of the biggest regrets that I have ever had.

Finally he talked me into moving into his town. I didn't want to, because I didn't know what would happen. But he turned my best friend Ton into helping him knowing it would be good to get away from my mother. My boys and I lived with her at the time. So I moved.

We spent about a good month there at my new apartment talking all the time. Well, he talked all the time. He had this one little quirk about him I couldn't seem to get used to. He talked nonstop. He would talk over me, interrupt me, never let me get in a word edgewise over anything. He would have a conversation with me, and answer for me, assuming what I wanted to say. Being a quiet, shy person, I let him. Oh every once in a while I would get adament and talk over top of him, but he would immediately basically ignore what I said and then go back to what he wanted to talk about, which was pretty much HIM. When I moved here, he was living with Kelly still. But as time moved on in this month, he slowly started spending more time with me at my place than being at Kelly's working on the music and living with his "fiancé". He told me that she was fine with the situation as he spent more and more time, but she would still get terribly mean and he liked being with me and my boys, where he knew he was loved and welcome.

He told me of his past love life. He had been married three times and all wives had left him or hadn't treated him right. He was a good guy who only wanted true love in his life, just like me, but all 3 of them didn't want the same thing he did and just left him. So did three other girlfriends who he had loved so much and put his whole heart into. Wife number one, named Karen, had cheated on him with the drummer of his band. He had came in one night after doing something and there was his wife on the kitchen table with the drummer. He checked himself into the psych ward for twenty four hours because he knew he would kill them or himself. Wife number two was crazy. He tried to get along with her, and he loved her so much, but one night in a rage she had waved a knife at him trying to kill him. He says that was the only time that he ever hit a woman and that was to save his own life. she eventually went off because he had moved around her figurines to clean a book case and forgot to put one back where it went. She threw rotten tomatoes at him and beat him up and he had to leave. He didn't have any choice. She was going to kill him! (I really believed this stuff!)

Wife number three is very interesting. They were married the longest. The others were just MONTHS before they separated. But these guys stayed married the longest. He was a good husband but she would go to work and come home and go to bed. She would stay there until the next morning when she had to get up again. He had to celebrate his birthdays alone. He even showed me pictures of snapshots he took of himself with little posters in his hand, saying "40th birthday and still alone".. The man had the most extensive photo history of himself. He had had pictures of just about every incident in his life, including being out and asking people to take pictures of himself!!! He said that he and Linda never had sex. Linda was overweight and unattractive he said, and he had been honest with her and told her that he didn't want to be with her sexually.

Well they were married for a couple of years, and then she just up and told him she didn't want to be married to him anymore, and she moved out and left him everything. The ONLY wife he ever had anything good to say about, because she let him have everything.

Then he went for a little while with no one, but he found the computer. He met on the internet and fell in love with a woman named Shirley from England. He sold off some of his music equipment to bring her to America. They were together about a month when she told him her mother was very sick and needed an operation. She wanted to go see some friends in another part of California somewhere I think and he sold a bunch of stuff for her to do that, and he sold more to get her mother the operation, and waited for her to return to him before she left to go back to England to her mother. She went off to the other parts of California and never returned, taking all that money with her when she went.

He then decided to try love again and met up with the woman that I admire most in this sordid story of lies. But here is his version of the story.. Phyllis. They met on the internet and she was trying to give him the key to her house on the first date. She wasn't pretty but he liked her. They worked out a deal where he would pay her rent and take care of her house for her. She was well off, and could afford a maid. But at HER insistence a romance started.

They lived together for one month and it was a "terrible" relationship. She insisted that he start his music again, and wanted to buy him a studio because just like every other woman in his life who heard his outstanding music and realized that he had talent, they wanted to "feed off of him". He would be drug by her into music stores, and she would tell him, "Either you pick it out or I will and I don't know what I am doing." So what was he to do? He went ahead and got the stuff and went on about making some music. Only thing was Phyllis was terribly mean to him. And one night they got into a terrible argument and she beat him up and then he went to bed and she disappeared. She left and the cops were knocking on the door, with a protective order, and telling him he had to leave Phyllis's premises. He didn't know what was going on. He hadn't done anything and she told a bunch of lies about him on the protective order! He hadn't done anything to her that she said he did!(Later on, she would send me that protective order to read and it was the SAME man that I was dealing with. He had even threatened her with the mafia!)

It said these atrocious things, that he had threatened to kill her family, he knew people in the mafia who would do it for him, told her to leave the house for a couple of days because he was going to hurt her if she didn't. She and her family were Jewish and he had made many anti-semetic remarks to her about her religion, he had slapped her and tried to throw her down the steps of her house, had told her she had better go to her parents and get $5,000 from them so he could pack up all the music equipment and he was leaving. (He had told me his version and I thought she was so terrible. I found out later.....)

What a terrible life this man I was so in love with had been through! These women who lied about him, and treated him so horribly! And he was SOOOO good a musician, that in his earlier life in the 70's that he had had two MAJOR record deals with his band, but his little brother who was in the band always got too high headed and making demands, and they would lose the contracts. This man had a hard luck story, even down to telling me how he had lived in a mansion due to the record contracts and had ended up living at a dumpster due to his brother's evil ways.

He himself never did any wrong. He just wanted to do his music and have true love. But, because of the people around him, he had had some really hard luck. He was an inspiration to us all he would say. He should write a book about his life. Of course I agreed, because I was so in love and so touched by what had happened to him.

But, he wanted to get married and we sat the date. We planned it before the day that we were to go away with some friends to the concert where we won a contest to meet our mutual musical hero. I got to meet my hero, one of the very good things that came out of that relationship!!!!!

Well we got hitched, and met Our favorite Musician.

I had known Brian two and a half months. Yep. That's it. He was a little
strange, but mostly OK. I loved him so much. Most impulsive thing I have
ever done in my whole entire life, but I loved the intensity that came along with him. I was close
to worshipping Brian. He had got me away from my mother, and helped me discover my abuse, was a musician who made great music, and was taking me to meet our favorite musician.

Well the concert was our honeymoon, not his and Kelly's like it was supposed to have been, we came home on a Sunday night.
Monday morning when I woke up, the man I had met had left and this atrocious a**hole was there. He turned on a dime and I mean it. I went and got my kids from my mother and when I got home, he told me the house was "disgusting and filthy and not acceptable" and I was to clean it. When I sat down to rest for a moment he yelled at me to get to work. I had just had a three hour drive to get my kids. I told him I was sitting down and then I had to start supper. He was miffed to say the least, and I was shocked and confused.

Funny thing happened not long after we married. Now we both were expected fully to post on the message board where we met about our experience of going to DC and seeing and meeting the musician. We were contest winners, and people were waiting to hear from us how it went meeting our idol. He had gone over to Kelly's for the day to "work on his CD" and I was at home with my boys, cleaning and periodically meeting him online to chat during his breaks. He had made his big post about what it was like to meet BW, and I started working on mine. When he and Kelly were engaged she had a studio made for him and borrowed lots of money to buy him the music equipment. So when he went to "work", he would go to Kelly's house and work in his studio.

He posted his and I set about doing mine. I had to re-register my name on the board, because I was his wife now, and I went from my old name to my newly married name. He told me I would not being using my maiden name with his because he didn't want it that way. I agreed to Windy "middle name" his name. I had wanted to keep my first married name because it is the same name as my children. He was not having that though.

Well, I re-registered and worked for two solid hours on my post about meeting the musician. I wanted, if the musician really and truly read that board know how wonderful our trip had been. I wrote, planning my words carefully and sent my new post. I liked the way it looked on the board. I even liked the new married name and the way it looked. I thought it looked very professional. I sent Brian a copy and got off the computer and started to clean up my new little apartment that I was so proud of and so happy with.

I was busy into work when the phone rang. I answered it and it was my husband and he was livid. I was completely taken off guard. In those early days I usually was no matter what the case. I saw so many reasons to be happy and have a good outlook. He started telling me that I have made the biggest mistake that was going to cause us all kinds of trouble. It could even cost him his career. Drama to the hilt. I was an idiot and he didn't understand why I could make that post. I mentioned that we were friends with the administrator of the musicians site. How could I do that? The administrator didn't want people to know about that or the board posters might think that the contest had been rigged and we could lose him as a friend.

But the biggest thing I didn't understand that had made him so angry was that my post contradicted his post. He had filled his with blatant lies and I told the truth. That is why on the phone that day I got chewed out. It had nothing to do with the administrator, it had to do with his lies and he was going to be found out. Husband and wife and stories were not the same. He said we spent 35 minutes with BW, I told the truth and it was 15. But thing was, the truth was really special. The musician had GRABBED US into this big hug. He really had liked us. There was no need to embellish anything. We made a friend in the musician that night and he dedicated my favorite song of all time to us that night. He was the first person to call me by my newly married name. My idol since I was nine years old had called out to me by name. I was thrilled!

Why tell a lie, when the truth will do?

He came home that night and I was not looking forward to it. Of course he came in with this "heir of authority" as if he were scolding a child, and told me that we needed to talk. He said that Kelly was pissed off about what I had done because it could hurt his career. Later on I was to find out that Kelly was listening to him chew me out and actually felt sorry for me and told him to shut the hell up and didn't want to hear that crap. She didn't understand why I put up with that. At that time neither did I.

He proceeded to tell me that I didn't watch what I was saying or writing in my posts and that I was acting in such a way that was not befitting. I was saying things and writing and telling things that were not appropriate now that I was his wife. I had to present an image as well as him, that had to be done right. And don't think he was nice about it either. I was told I was stupid and didn't think about what I was saying and I said very stupid things. He didn't know if he could trust me to do the right thing, and we might just have to take my rental computer back so he could feel safer. We fought, I cried, I promised to do better, and we finally came up with a compromise

I had to give him passwords to all my email accounts so he could see my mail, and I was allowed to still write email, but I had to leave it in "mail waiting to be sent" until he could look over what I said and make sure it was OK and then I could send my mail. I was still very active in the musician's net community and I would end up with twenty to thirty emails waiting for him to read over the course of a day. The computer was my hobby and my enjoyment. He was taking away everything else, and trying to take that too. And of course all that email was too much for him to have to sit down and read. I needed to cut down. I didn't need to send this one and didn't need to send that one. And I started to occasionally get these emails from a few penpals. They started saying, "are you alright? How come you didn't answer my email?".. I am sorry to say that a light bulb didn't go off until much later. I was under his complete control. I couldn't even write a email without him telling me if I could send it or not.

There was this one time where he got drunk, and informed me that we were having sex. The time that I found him most disgusting was when he was drunk. He told me he was going to go into the bedroom and prepare himself. I looked over to the sofa and saw where his cat (now that cat belongs to me and my children) had barfed up a huge hair ball. It sat me off that day and I gagged. I asked him to please get it up that I couldn't do it at that moment. It was on my coat that I laid out for her because she liked the way it felt I guess.

He looked past me and went into the bedroom. I sat down and waited for him to come clean up the cat barf. I was NOT going in there until he did that one little thing I asked him to do. About an hour later he was still in the bedroom and I got up and walked into the bedroom to find him laying in the bed with no covers on naked. I asked him was he going to clean up the cat puke like I asked him to do. He didn't say anything and I went back out of the room. He came out a few minutes later and told me that he had never been so humiliated in his life, waiting there for me and I never came to him. I told him I asked him to do something and I was waiting for him to do it. He walked away, and I got up and gagged as I got up the cat barf.

Then there was the time that we were fighting and he looked me in the eyes, and told me, "I know you are going to take this wrong, but the only thing you can do right is f**k. I guess so too, you have been trained for it your whole life." referring to my childhood sexual abuse.
When I would start cleaning he would be right down my back telling me I was doing everything wrong. It was awful as I started living with my nerves constantly on the edge. He would intimidate me with that mouth of his. God he would run his mouth constantly nonstop. I found myself saying and doing things to just shut him the heck up! "Yeah Brian, they are nothing but Dumb Country F**k's here in this small town." "Yeah Brian blacks are stupid." I have never felt like that in my whole entire life. But I said it, just to have peace and quiet.

Once, he threw butter at me because I had removed it from the box, and that was "unacceptable". Then he started drinking. I didn't think he could get worse with the constant hypercriticism, but I was in for it. He claimed he had to drink to kill his constant chronic pain because the doctors wouldn't give him painkillers....... hmmm? It was on all his charts that he displayed "drug seeking behavior".... I would end up going to my doctor to get painkillers just to keep him off the juice. He was happy when he had narcotics. I didn't have enough foresight to see that he had a problem with painkillers.

I would go to bed at night exhausted. I was starting to be accused of everything under the sun. One thing in particular I never got, was, the accusation that I was up all night while he slept on the computer doing things on it that were bad. I never got up. I was too tired. He drained me of any energy I had with his constant accusations, and hypercritical behavior. Yet according to him, I was getting up at night while he slept and going on the computer talking to guys or doing bad things, I guess. I could never get him to tell me what I was doing. Closest I could figure was that maybe he was doing it himself and was just projecting it to me.

One morning Brian woke me up around 4am. He told me he was having chest pains and wanted me to keep an eye on him. So I got up and got out of bed but stayed close by him. I asked a minute later is he ok and he bit my head off. I told him that maybe I should call an ambulance. He told me I was stupid that he wanted to wait. I stood by ready to start CPR if needed. I had been studying to be a nurse for a while, but didn't have my degree yet. But I was state certified to perform CPR. He told me to call the ER and see if he should go on in. I told him they were going to say yes. But that was not good enough. So I called the ER. I was trying to tell the nurse the symptoms and he was talking over top of me and getting me confused as to what to do. So finally the call was over and I told him that we were going to the Emergency room. He told me he couldn't walk. So I called 911.

I went outside to wait for the ambulance. They finally showed up and I led them into the house where he was at. The room smelled of smoke and there was a half smoked Camel sitting in the ashtray across the room. He couldn't walk and was having a heart attack, but he could get up and go smoke. I just remembered that. I had forgotten. The man had me so mixed up and confused. I got the boys up at about 6 and we went to the hospital. I wrote in my journal while waiting for them to let me back to see him. I wrote about how scared I was to lose him. Finally they let me back to see him. He was laying there, they were putting a Nitrogen patch on his arm. They did an EKG and said something wasn't right. I don't know if I believe that or not. I believe that maybe he asked to stay, to be sure. I don't know as I didn't question things back in those days. I hugged him and gave him a kiss. He told me they were going to keep him overnight. Scared me even more. There was nothing we could do so I told him I was going to take the boys home and feed them and would be back in a while.

He was jealous of my kids. He would constantly call them retards behind
their backs. my 10 year old is autistic and he would tell me that he needed
to go to a institution because my little boy was trying to kill him. He even
accused my Matty of trying to kill his cat that had came to live with us.He told me that Matty was sitting on the sofa and telling his brother about how he was going to kill Brian and his cat. Matty never had a violent bone in his whole body. Brian had it out for him.

I fell in love with that little cat from the moment I met her. She had been
living at Kelly's house, and I got special permission to move her in with us because he said he missed her. She is the sweetest little cat I have ever known, nothing like a real cat. She doesn't have that air of
snobbery and obnoxiousness that cats can have! she just liked to lay around. Her happiness in life is sitting on a lap, and clean clothes just out of the dryer to get on and lay in! Me and that little cat made friends the night she moved in, and he was astounded that she took to me the way she did. But as time went on, he became so jealous that she would come to me before him, and when we were fighting, he would tell me to leave HIS cat alone. If I didn't want him I didn't want his cat either. I quickly realized that sweet little Joonzie was just a pawn for him to use whenever he needed. He quickly put the feeding duties on me, and the cleaning of her litter box. It was as if she wasn't even there to him. But the kids and I won her over and she became OUR cat. She ignored him as he ignored her and even started to come out of our room to sit with the boys, which is something because she is so timid and doesn't like loud noises. Well, you know the noise that two little boys can make! But, she didn't mind. As long as you loved on her, she was happy.

Funny thing, lol, later on I was to find out that Phyllis and Kelly
and myself were to tell him that HE had to go, but we would keep his cat!
LOL! None of us wanted him, but we wanted sweet little Joonzie! He was
always telling me that Phyllis and the ex-fiance Kelly, had abused Joonzie and were mean to her. When in reality they both loved her very much. When I kicked Brian out, I refused to give her back. I knew by then that she was scared of him. I could just see in my mind's eye, her being a precocious little kitten, playing happily, probably jumping around and knocking something over or accidentally scratching him as kittens do and as irritable as he was, beating her into the submissive little cat that she had became. There was NO WAY IN HELL that he was getting that cat back and I would hide her or do whatever it took to keep her.

One night he was drinking and I was so lonely for my granny I had left an hour and a half away in my home town I decided to call her. He was on a tirade. In the phone call gran told me that her 18 year old dog had finally died. I dreaded that day, because she loved her little dog so very much. He came barging into the room as I sat there crying on the phone and consoling my granny, and started yelling and causing me to cry more, all over bitching about the phone bill I was running up. Of course that didn't help my gran either as she was alerted to what was going on in my life. Got off the phone with her and cried and cried. He teased me, "oh poor baby" and "for Christ's sake get over it it was a damn dog and an old woman".. I went out of the room to get away from him, and he followed me. Because of my past sexual incest abuse, and my first husband, and what happened to me, you can't corner me. I used to get cornered all the time. I was walking around the house nonstop begging him to leave me alone. He finally did it, and cornered me. Being a Post Traumatic survivor, I went back to a place and time where I was getting ready to be hurt and abused, and like a cornered animal, I lashed out. I bit the hell out of him. He was so mad but played the hurt victim. "You bit me" he cried. I don't even remember doing it but know I did. But I wasn't in effect biting him. But he never should have cornered me. He knew it. He had been told a thousand times, "don't corner me".

One night while drunk he told my children in great detail about how I had been sexually abused by a family member. They were 9 and 7. I cried and screamed and told him to shut the hell up, but he was relentless.. I couldn't stop him. He would tell me on a daily basis that I had a incestual relationship by my choice. I liked it and missed it. Ask me all the time, "miss ___'s d**K?" He said I wanted what happened to me. And his favorite knick-name for me was "____f***r". It was unnatural how he handled my flashbacks. At first I would tell him about them and what I remembered, and even had a flashback about someone else in my family besides the main abuser trying to sexually abuse me. He screamed at me, "My God Tammy, was it a f***ng orgy in your house? How many others in your family did you? Your mother? Your brothers?" I cried all night over that one. He wanted to know every single little barest detail of each flashback and then would want to have sex afterwards. I am ashamed to admit I did it a couple of times in the beginning because I wanted to make him happy. I didn't associate anything to it. I didn't enjoy that sex, didn't want it and it makes me ill to think about it to this day He really enjoyed the sex right after I told him of being raped at gunpoint. Sick bastard.

My flashbacks were really starting to become a problem at one point. Now I remember the very first ones that I had. He was there with me, he would hold me if I wanted, or stay away and not touch me when I didn't want to be touched. He listened, very sympathetic, wiping a tear with his finger, he was so good. But after the marriage, they began to be a big problem. They were inconvenient to him. I would wake him up having them. I couldn't be still and be quiet, I had no control over them. And they would upset me so very much. Terrible horrible memories I would just as soon not have. He would get angry because I woke him up and being the chronically pained patient that he is, he needed sleep more than anything. And I was crying or fussing in my sleep.

And one evening while he was still over at Kelly's, I had three major ones while I was bathing. I was totally panicked. I got out of the tub and immediately went to check on the computer to see if he was online. I cried tears of heartache and joy when I saw him online. I told him, I had three flashbacks and they were bad. I was crying. I begged him to come home and be with me I was scared. I had three of them and they were all bad and I didn't want to be alone. He had told me to do that. It was the first time I had ever done it. I needed him desperately. I was fearing for my sanity and totally spooked to be alone. He told me on the computer, didn't even try to call, but told me, "I can't be running off from work everytime you have a flashback." I told him I wouldn't expect him to do that, but this one was a little different. "It is a flashback" he said, and he couldn't come running home. I tried to talk to him about them on the computer, but I was shaking so bad and crying so hard I couldn't type. I had to keep retyping because he couldn't even read what I wrote. I don't even remember what I did afterward. I think I may have blocked some stuff out about my husband too. I don't eve n remember how I reacted when he did come home. That was in the early days, so I probably just considered him the smart one and me the dumb one. In those days, I thought he knew best although in my mind I was constantly wondering how right he really was. But I would push it away. He was my husband, he was the smart one. I was the one with ADD who couldn't function like a normal person. He was ALWAYS telling me that, so it had to be true.

And then one night, everything finally came to a head on November 14th, 2001, he got drunk as usual and I sat in our bedroom putting up with him because he was playing music. He would never let me play our favorite musician any more.. I was starved to hear music and would put up with the drinking and the big mouth because that was the only time I would get to listen to music. He went over to his CD's and got out one that I had been playing in my disk man just a few days before. I would listen when I could. Well, the disk was still in my discman and I didn't know where I had stuck it. He started throwing my stuff around and broke a picture frame and said it was all coming down till he found his disk. I scrambled to find it, and when I did I took it to him and just haplessly tossed it to him. I was so disgusted. I turned around and walked away, only to feel him grab me and start choking me yelling, "no bitch is going to destroy my stuff ever again".. He let me go and my head was spinning. I coughed and gasped
for air.

I had my youngest kid in his bedroom and the oldest in the living room watching TV. I had to get out because we were in danger. I was NOT leaving without my babies. I would be dead first. So I came up with a plan. I quietly walked into the living room and sat down beside my oldest, Matty, and told him in whispers, "now darlin', listen and listen closely. I am going into the bedroom and get your brother, and when you see us walk into the living room and towards the front door, you get up and follow us, and when we get out, run like hell. OK?" Well, before he could answer, Brian had been listening quietly, and came in and set down beside me and started to cuss me out and tell me I wasn't leaving. I told him, "lets go into the bedroom and discuss this, OK? I don't want my kid to hear your filthy mouth."

So we got up and went towards the bedroom, and as I shut the bedroom door, he threw me down on the bed and got on top of me. I was silent. I was just trying to figure out some way to get past him and get out. But then he started to tell me some things. He asked me was I going to call the police. I told him stupidly, "you bet". He told me if I went for the phone he would rip it out of the wall, and if I went for the front door he would get there fast and just kill me then. And then his face lit up. He snarled happily to me, "no no no, I tell ya what"... "I will kill YOUR KIDS. All I have to do is snap their little necks. And then I will kill you and stuff your corpse in the closet and go watch me some TV ."He pulled my hair and pulled at my ears, calling me names and so on. I have never been so terrified but yet calm in my life. Get out was all I could think. My kids. Get my kids out. And then he just suddenly calmed. He looked tired, and got up. And he said, "go do what you got to do".

Didn't have to ask me twice. I ran to the boys room grabbed my youngest by the arm and pulled him out, and as we got to the living room yelled for dear life, "Come on boys, run!". It was a tone that they instinctively understood and we took off. I had an acquaintance of the complex that I knew and I told the boys as we ran, "Cindy lives at A10, run to her apartment. If mom stops, no matter what you keep on running. Do not stop even to help me. Run Run Run!"

It was the most awful moment of my life. I didn't know if he was gonna come after us or not. And telling my kids to run and not save me was just, well, I don't have the words for it. I got the kids to Cindy's apartment safely, and went to another apartment to call the police. He had to go. And I was pressing charges. Screw this I thought. He had threatened to kill my babies. I didn't matter, but he had said the wrong thing. No way. Cindy didn't have a phone. I hid behind a dumpster until the police arrived. I told them what was going on and told them I wanted to press charges. They told me to go to the magistrates office. It was just up the hill to the court house thank goodness. I ran up and told Cindy and the boys what I was doing and Cindy said we'll be here do what you need to do. Funny how HE had just said the same thing. I did it and came back. He wouldn't answer the door for the police, so they had to have me come back and unlock the door. I unlocked it and ran back behind the building. I watched him leave in handcuffs. I went inside my apartment to realize that he had broke a chair and darn near pulled a complete wall mount out of an electrical socket. I peed and cried for a few minutes, and then went and got my boys. They didn't ask where he was that night and I didn't tell. We were all just exhausted.

The next night I started cleaning his stuff out of my room and sticking it in the spare room. I didn't want any part of him in my bedroom. I hit the floor in sobs. What happened? It was all a whirlwind in my head. What happened to the sweet and goofy guy I fell in love with? OH, that morning I talked to Kelly. He had written her some emails telling her to come get his musical equipment which she owned because I was crazy and accusing him of stuff he didn't do and he was sure I was going to smash the equipment. So Kelly calls and asks can she please come get the equipment?

Her and I never spoke, because he had pitted us against each other. He doesn't like exes and currents to talk. Might find out something about him he didn't want to be known. But her and I talked that morning. And the fact that I had taken him away behind her back didn't help. But we talked anyways. She started telling me of how he came over there all the time telling her that I still had a sexual relationship with my abuser and he didn't know what to do. I was hopeless and he didn't know how he got into this mess. People were getting paid to do what he did to take care of me because I couldn't take care of myself. Lies and lies and lies. I listened in shock. And I helped her get the stuff into her car. Later she would tell me that she didn't know what I was going to do, but was forever impressed and kept talking to me because I had helped her get the stuff into her car.

Her and I started emailing. It was a quiet friendship that was starting to blossom, each of us not knowing what to think of the other. But I was learning that despite the terrible lies he told about her being mean and nasty, she was a pretty nice woman. She hooked me up with Phyllis and told me to talk to her. I wanted to. Oh but how I needed to make sense of it.I believed her protective order with all of my heart. And again, I was to find out, Phyllis was just like Kelly. She was very nice. And very sympathetic to my plight. She knew because she had been there. To my shock, I was to find out that Phyllis had had to file bankruptcy over Brian. To the tune of $50,000. He had talked her into letting him use her credit to
build him a studio, and he had went out and bought and bought and bought. When she tried to stop him because it was getting over their heads, that is when he became abusive. The anti-semetic remarks, the mafia threats. I was to find out he had threatened her to get him $5,000 so he could pack up the stuff and leave. The day that the police came, he was waiting on her to get the money. The stuff was packed up. He was waiting to leave. He knew what was going on. But he didn't know she would outsmart him and have the cops remove him before he could get away with all of that equipment. He hated her for that. Taking away HIS equipment that he had bought with HER money. She was able to recover some damages but still had to file chapter 7.

Phyllis also threw me a bombshell while we were talking. Brian had told me that they lived together. She informed me that they had briefly married and she had got an anullment based on his mental problems.

That made ME wife number five. Not wife number four like I had thought.

He had told me that he had stopped sleeping with Kelly and they had no
relationship when he and I got involved, that he was solely committed to me. Kelly informed me that he was sleeping with her and me at the same time. I had no idea. I believed him. He told me he slept on the sofa in his studio at her house before moving in with me.

I started calling old friends and talking to them. One was friends with him
for 20+ years. Best friends. Jay informed me of a lot of things about
Brian. They had one small label deal, and Brian blew it not the brother.
He always got obnoxious when people started to notice his music and started demanding more money, more quirks that the record label could afford. So they dropped the band. That was the only offer he had ever gotten and he blew it himself.

Brian had talked about how his family was to me. Two evil brothers and mean and terrible parents. When he went to jail I emailed his brother and told him what happened. Brian's parents are fairly old, and I didn't want to upset them, so I told his brother it was up to him whether he wanted his dad to know what was going on. In the letter I asked the brother what was up with Brian. The letter I got back was enough to blow me away.The brother wrote back and told me how sorry he was that the whole mess had happened, and to please be safe and keep my children safe. He told me that he "did not care to go into Brian's history", but Brian had been nuts for as long as he had known him, and he hadn't wanted much to do with him since he threatened to burn his house down. That should have been enough to make me never want to talk to my husband again.


I was finding out all kinds of things. The more I found out, the more
interested I got. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing all this
research to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't have to think about how
horribly wrong my new life had gone. I still loved him so much and I was
hurting so badly. I felt so betrayed. He had promised me. One day when he
was wooing me over, I cried and told him I wouldn't be a battered woman
again. He promised me I would never have to deal with that with him. He was the gentlest man on this earth he had told me. But I was finding out a much different story.

Finally the day of court came. He had been in jail because no one would bail him out, and he had nowhere to go. I was a wreck and scared to death. The Domestic Violence advocate had told me that they would do the assault hearing and the protective order hearing at the same time. For once going to court I had hoped that it would take them forever to call my case, but I was case number three. I didn't see him come in and thought he was already in the court room. I was dreading seeing him with everything I had. But, when I walked in, he wasn't there. Seems though they forgot to go get him at the jail, which was in the same building. So out I had to go again. Not five minutes later I heard chains clanging. I looked up and it was him. He was walking down the hallway in feet shackles. He was in a blue uniform. I
quickly looked away. I didn't want to see him like that. (Wish I had THAT to
do over knowing what I know now). I would have laughed. LOL

We were called again and I stood on one side of the court room and he stood on the other. I looked at him several times. He wouldn't look at me. The judge said they were doing the two together and then the DA asked me what happened. I started explaining that horrible night in front of lawyers and the judge. After I was done the judge asked Brian's court appointed lawyer if he had anything to say. The lawyer stood up and said that Mr. Simpson didn't remember what happened that night because he had carelessly mixed his medications with the alcohol and blacked out, and he was terribly sorry. That is bull and I know that because I watched him drink too many times by then. You see, Brian would NOT take his meds until the next morning when he was going to drink. He was always "careful" about that. Didn't want to mix his medications with the alcohol. He took Klonopin for Panic Attacks and a blood pressure medicine. But I didn't say a thing. I just wanted to get out of there and away from the nightmare.

The judge found him guilty of assault, and then gave me a two year
protective order. He warned me because Mr. Simpson had served two weeks of
jail he would let him go that day. I thanked him for letting me know and
walked out. I went straight home and cried my eyes out. I was so drained.

Kelly called me later that afternoon and told me that Brian had been over
there. He was begging her to take him back. He had nowhere to go. He said
biggest mistake was leaving her for me and so on and so on. She told him no and sent him out. He was walking in the rain in a t-shirt and shorts and a
pair of flip flops. She didn't want him back either no way, but we both
became concerned as we knew he was homeless. He would freeze to death. I am still kicking myself in the butt for caring. Because I knew that he would be in town and I violated the order and packed a bag with warm clothes for him and went out looking for him. I found him at Burger King. The right thing to do would have been to walk in, drop the bag and walk off. But he begged me to stay and talk to him.

I did.

He said that he had had some time to think about us being in jail. I was
angry and started to cry. Said the dumbest thing, but it was how I felt at
the time. I told him I thought we belonged together and were soulmates but
sometimes we were just too screwed up together and I was sorry that I
couldn't tolerate what he did and that we would never be together. He jumped on that one. Said he felt the same way and he would do anything to get me back. Almost like he was talking to me in business like terms. He would get help. He had seen the light and didn't know why he was so horrible to me and the boys because all he wanted was to be my husband and be a dad to my kids.

He was so sorry. Even saw a tear or two.

I said I had to go, that it was time for my kids to get home from school. He
asked me to take him to the hospital, that he was going to see about finding
some place to stay and start on getting the help that he needed. He asked if he could call me and I said yes, we could talk on the phone. Biggest mistake I ever made. He called three or four times that night to tell me what was going on. They were letting him sleep in a bunk till his next disibility check came and then he would have to do something. He didn't realize he already had one at Kelly's house. He never changed the address. So, he ended up in a hotel. He called the second night while in the hotel and we talked on the phone for eight solid hours. He did his con man game and I fell for it hook line and sinker. At 2am I told him, "oh I only wish it weren't so late, I would come get you now to come home."

The next day I went and picked him up and brought him home.

My children never said a word. Were just quiet and didn't look too excited
about going to get him.

That lasted three weeks. Two weeks after coming back he got verbally abusive again. Started calling me names, yelling at the kids and I realized what a mistake I had made. The morning of the second week we both woke up very sick. Bug caught by one of my babes from school I am sure. But I was the healthier one, he had the Hep C, and he had been so wonderful, I decided that I would take the much past needed grocery store trip. All that was needed was HIS stuff, because he wouldn't eat what we did. He had to have name brand crap. I went trecking off to the store, sick as a dog, and got him some groceries and grabbed something quick and easy to fix the boys for dinner. Got home so half dead I didn't know what to do. If the boys had not gone with me and helped me carry I don't know what I would have done.

Well, got home and he was awake. I smiled at him and told him HE could put up the groceries I went and got them. Went to lay down. All hell broke
loose. Good Brian gone, bad psycho back. He asked me why I expected him to put them up, that I had went and got them. I told him it was his stuff, we both were sick and I had went to get them for him. I saw that old look and I just felt my world crashing down around me. He went and put them up, and then came back and stood over me as I laid there, and asked me was I now planning to stay in bed all day and leave him to care for my kids. I went defensive and got up and said "Hell no I wouldn't leave YOU to take care of my kids." He asked why was I being so mean when HE was so sick. I said, "go back to bed Brian".

He started griping about his clothes needing washing. Instead of saying go
wash them yourself, I ended up going to wash them. He wouldn't let me mix
HIS clothes with ours. I had to do HIS by themselves because he didn't want his mixed in with my "nasty kids".

My friend Cindy and I had gotten close since I put him in jail and she came
over. He turned the TV up loud and complained about her being there the
whole time she was there. He was making hand gestures to me behind her back. I tried to ignore him. She finally couldn't take it anymore and she left.

I went off. I told him that as sick as I was, and I was throwing up that
whole day by the way, I had still gone out and got his food of choice, and I
had washed his clothes. He said, to me, "that is what you are SUPPOSED to do. You are my wife". We were lost and I knew it.

The next week would be hell on earth again, times 1,000,000,000. One morning my youngest kid woke up sick again. My oldest came running into our bedroom and said my little one was throwing up. Went into Mom mode, and ran out and took care of him. Figured what the hey, let both boys stay home. Went back to bed. Got the boys back to bed and went to bed I mean.

I was laying there settling in and he started talking to me. "Thanks for
waking me up. You could have shut the door you know." I said, "sorry but I
was thinking about my kid. He is sick." He said, "I know I got to hear him
puke in here, you couldn't even be considerate enough to shut the f***ng
door." I got up. I figured I would go lay down on the sofa till boys got up.He had asked me why I didn't put the other kid on the bus, and I told him I was just going to let him stay home too. He told me I was lazy because I didn't want to put the other kid on the bus, and I was an unfit mother. It was the last day of school before winter break, and he told me he didn't want "them kids" home. He had been looking forward to his last day of peace and quiet.

But I had a moment that I never will forget.I went back into the room and
slammed the door open and turned on the light. I said in a confident voice,
"Next time something like that happens and I don't think to shut the door,
get up off your fat lazy sleezy ass and shut the f****ng thing yourself." I
slammed the door shut. I didn't attempt to lay down on the sofa though. I
knew what was up. And sure enough he comes down the hall. "Why are you being so mean to me?" In that whining accusatory voice. I didn't answer... Just sat there. Our days were numbered and I knew it.

During that week he also went on one of his tirades, telling me "I don't
think I can live with you like this.".. Now in the past, that worked. I
would cry and tell him I would work on making things better. But this time I
got in his face and told him so sweetly and smiling, "Leave! Why don't you
go? Want me to show you where the door is? What is taking you so long Brian? Come on, I'll help you pack!" I carried it way overboard but damn I loved it!

So came the last night he was here. We had been fighting all day long
nonstop. The kids nerves were tore up, so were mine. But he was in his
glory. He loved discord. If there was no drama he would make one. He
couldn't stand calm. Every day we were together I would begin to wake up with dread wondering what was going to happen that day. He started fights by saying something mean to me and then I would get mad and say something back and then he would day "Why are you being so mean to me?" As if I was just going out of my way to be mean to him.

So, after three weeks we were laying in bed that last night and I was trying
to go to sleep. The guy had tore up my last nerve with the name calling and
the constant verbal rants he had that week. I was trying to go to sleep when he started talking into my ear. Told me that he hated me for putting him in
jail, he hoped I rotted in hell, and when I was a teenager I had a gun held
to my head that he wished that I had been killed. Told me that I better sleep
with one eye open, so I did him one better, I didn't go to sleep at all. And
about 2am I told him he was leaving the next day, didn't care if he had a
place to go or not. The next day I got slammed into a wall, hit hard in my
jaw, and hit on the head several times. I told him to get his stuff together
and figure out where he was going. So I took him to the hotel. That was
December the 23rd, 2001. Merry Christmas.

And last new years day after I had kicked him out, he called me crying that
there was no place around him for him to walk to get something to eat open. So I went and got him and took him to McDonalds and we all ordered dinner. He asked me, "how are we going to pay for this?" And I told him I would pay for mine and he would pay for his. He said, "oh, so you are JUST giving me a ride then." Implying that he had expected ME to pay for HIS meal.

I took him everywhere he needed to go, and finally I took him to the
psychiatric ward in the next town where his doc and I talked him into going.
He went, was diagnosed with bipolar and did really excellent for about a
week on lithium, but I wouldn't take him back immediately. I told him that
he would have to show me over a period of time that he had changed.

It ended with the boy who was his roommate talking his mother into letting
him go stay with them. It was just the mother and the son who is like 18 at
the time. I remember thinking, "those poor people". But as my rotten
luck would have it, these people had a computer. What began then was a
terrible, flipping and flopping relationship back and forth for five months.
We would try to work it out, he would come to see me, but what it would end up being was a visit for sex, with a long drawn out talk, but with HIM
talking and about HIM and what I had done to HIM and what was happening to HIM and how it was happening to HIM and how I had hurt HIM and how I would have to change to suit HIM. I could not have the friends I have, because he found something wrong with everyone of them. Especially the men ones. I would pretend that things were going to be fine.

Then while he was at this house he met a woman "pen-pal" that I didn't like.
She was too weird. And she was so OBVIOUSLY out to get him.... He and I were trying to work it out, and I told him I didn't want him talking to her
anymore. I told him if he was going to tell me I couldn't talk to certain
people, that I was going to exercise to that right as well, and I wanted him
to drop her fast. She was bad news I had the feeling and I wanted her out of
the picture. He gave in after hours and hours of hell, in person, on instant
message and emails. I had my way-- but as you know, or so I thought.

Somehow one night we got on the woman, who lived in OHIO by the way. OH YEAH, I caught him in a lie. She came online, and I went on another name and ASKED her if she was talking to him and she said yeah. So I imed him from that name and called him on it. Oh boy. The shit hit the fan. HOW COULD I DO SUCH A THING TO HIM? Never mind the son of a bitch lied. That was NOT the point where he was conce