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femfree
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Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 654
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 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: Gaslighting - Twisting Reality |
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GASLIGHTING - TWISTING REALITY
| Quote: | "When you fail to be assertive, or are passive, you invite others to control you."
Loving the Self Absorbed, Nina W. Brown |
| Quote: | | "When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie." Robert Hare, PhD |
| Quote: | | "I use FOG as an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt, the 3 feeling states that all blackmailers, no matter what their style, work to intensity in us." Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, PhD |
"Yes, they are frustrating, but they are giving you an advanced course in self control. You cannot argue or even have a conversation with them. There is no satisfaction in telling them off, they just do the kindergarten "No, you are" thing. There is no closure, you just have to walk away and focus on yourself. The whole purpose of their existance is to get attention FROM you, and they will do it any way they can. As long as you are paying attention to them, they win. Any time you spend on N is that much of your life wasted."
"Every once in a while, somebody actually gets through to them and makes them see what they have done. Then the next day it's as if the revelation never happened."
Gaslighting Phone Call
Him: "what are you doing?"(calling me at home from work)
Me: "talking to you. What are you doing?"
Him: "No, I asked you a question you didn't answer - I asked you first: what are you doing?"
Me: "I answered you, ""I'm talking to you"", & then, I asked you what you are doing; I'm about to put the kids in bed."
Him: "What are you trying to hide from me!?"
Me: "I'm not trying to hide anything from you, I don't think this is funny, so stop!"
Him: "What are you talking about?!"
Me: "You're raising your voice at me and accusing me-"
Him: " I'm joking, why do you have to take everything so serious, get so upset-"
Me: "I wasn't upset I told you I didn't think it 's funny, you said you were joking & I told you it was not funny."
Him: I'll talk to you later-BYE!" (phones slam down.)
"Nothing ever got resolved because before the issues were even on the table, he was spinning out of control, off in ten different, defensive directions. I could never understand how, in a 5-year marriage, we had never EVER been able to have a discussion, about ANYTHING, no matter how simple, without yelling, anger, put-downs, oh God, ALWAYS the put-downs, and usually him storming away and then storming back in a few minutes later insisting on continuing the madness. This marriage was not supposed to be this way."
"The last words out of his mouth were "We're getting a divorce." I said "Thank GOD! Finally closure to this insaneness!!!" Then he turned around a day later and said "Oh, I haven't even thought of a divorce!"
"My lawyer says to me "This nutcase tells you black is white and you're sitting back saying "Oh yeah, well maybe it is."
"I now understand why I could have a discussion with this N-person and end up exhusted and at the same time he could get up to leave and go out to a party."
"Dont' you wish you had recorded your NP? I do!!! So that everytime I feel weak I would play it and remember what a freak he was....how immature he was, how he accomplished crazy making etc. When you are in it you truly can't see the forest through the trees. If I had recorded him I would listen to it everytime I questioned " is it my fault?" "What did I do wrong?" because the tape would be only one sided.....him twisting and turning everything!"
"He kept pushing HIS "diagnosis" that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), even when none of the doctors agreed. He just kept pushing and pushing and insisting that HE was the only one that could diagnose me correctly. My Dr. was convinced that he just drove me over the edge with his N behavior."
“I was crazy with sadness after a fight and called him at work only to hear him joking hysterically before he came to the phone. How do they do that? They truly don't care. I realized a fight is a victory for them. Their goal is to get under your skin.”
“I have since learned to do the same to him. After a fight I appear unaffected. It jangled him the first time I did it. And mind you, I did some serious acting to appear unfazed. It worked. The reaction was not the normal giddy happy-go-lucky guy. He was confused....worried even. His control was slipping. Not cool. Surely he could NOT be losing his touch, his magic ability to control my emotions - in essence, control me.”
"I found much the same thing. N wanted to pick a fight and said we should "get this wrapped up" (get a divorce). I flipped the newspaper I was reading, looked over the top of my glasses and told him "Do whatever you want." That shut him up pretty quick."
"I have never been so emotionally exhausted as I have been trying to keep up with this man's brain in a conversation when he goes off on a tangent. Things come from left field that you don't even see coming. I have to laugh now at the thought of it.....because I was essentially arguing with a child...I should have just told him to go to his room or grounded him or something."
"He said things to me which I mentally blocked out for a large part."
"They TELL you what they are, but a rational mind can't get it to "compute" so we blow it off, having no idea what to do with it or what it means. Mine's "calling card" was: "I've changed as I've gotten older, but sometimes the core personality still comes out." Translation: "I am a fake". But I had no idea what to even DO with that or how to make sense of it. Sane people don't SAY stuff like that and sane people can't PROCESS it."
"He NEVER asked a question. Like yours, he would never ask about anything. Nor would he answer one. He would ricochet around like a bullet in a tin can-trying NOT to give an answer. Get a panicked look on his face.... Or just tell an out and out lie."
"After 22 years of living with my N I just became terrified to even ask him a question in the end."
"I now realise that he is such a pathalogical liar that just by asking him a question I invite him to lie.""N would always change the subject and say "I promise we will get right back to that, hold that thought" And of course when I would bring it up later he would say that I was nagging him."
"Ns will always rage to avoid a question - it is like a "how dare you question me" and of course you are questioning N and N thinks he will be caught, so what better way to deal with it but rage = abandon, before they (you) abandon them."
"Many hours I have spent (wasted) trying to appease, settled down, quiet, succor, help, understand, calm the N....and defend myself to outrageous, untrue, hurtful, lying words and actions. This is the crazy-making process where you think its your fault and try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make it stop."
”I experienced the twisting of reality where I was told I was fine and when I started to figure out another woman was involved I was all of a sudden "crazy" and accused of things I didn't do.”
"Its been 8 years since I've seen him, and I still fight myself not to pick up the phone when he calls...you see, as long as I don't hear his lies, I can't believe them."
"Verbally sparring with an N is like teaching a pig to sing. It is an exercise in futility and infuriates the pig."
"At first the little verbally abusive things went right past me. I thought he was joking."
"I keep trying to tell myself that I've been dealing with a really abusive situation, and that I'm just "protecting myself," but when I try to validate this with examples I can't remember much. What I do remember are nasty verbal fights that left me feeling like I literally had the air punched out of me, but there's a big blank when I try to remember what was said."
"Trying to figure out how a crazy person thinks is like trying to figure out what a fly is thinking. Ns are so far removed from normal thought that you couldn't possibly do it unless you are crazy too. He will probably try to make you so."
"This guy's capacity to jog through vocabulary was aerobic! He would gallop through people's heads taking twists and turns and confusing their direction until they experienced the "deer-in-headlights" disorder. That is the point, to stop you from thinking."
"Later, after you learned of NPD, it becomes crystal clear. He was testing your gullibility, to see just how far he could go, to see if you'd believe him. To prepare you for the future lies & stories he would tell & you'd believe him. The consummate manipulator, a master at duping everyone. It didn't matter who, anyone would do, yet for some reason he took the most pleasure in pulling the wool over your eyes, the new, vulnerable woman in his life. He delighted in seeing the shock & horror on your face. Just like a little boy would."
"I sometimes wonder if they just need a good spanking."
THANK YOU FOR VISITING !!
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