Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

three months today since i went nc and took back my life. i am rebuilding and trying to recover all that i lost and jeapordized. i am in counseling but might need to change counselors..i dont know if its helping so much. this is helping more. what i want to know is...when will my heart follow my head? i am doing all the steps i can,but i still ache. when will the urge to N dip go away..when will the wondering what he is doing even though i dont want to know go away ,when will it be a distant memory for me? its been about 3 weeks or so since he stopped trying to contact. that was from almost daily attempts. i have to admit it sometimes makes me wonder more. please tell me it gets easier. it has..i dont cry on the outside so much anymore. but inside is another story

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 387

Hi broken doll,
I'm so glad that this forum is helping you. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find it myself. I'm sooooooooo proud of you!!! You have come a long way in a short period of time. Three months after things ended with crazy horse, I was going through the 'obsessive' phase --------- Oh my!!! I laugh at all the crazy things I did and said. For me, it took a while to make the 'decision' to let go. It wasn't until I was having heart palpitations and other physical symptoms that pushed me to the safe zone.

I'll be honest, it took a while for my head and my heart to be in zinc with each other. Even from time to time, my heart spins a little.... but I have a better hold of it now (detoxed) and can quickly regain sanity.

Something that was keeping me 'stock' was my sense of urgency to get over him. I was so scared of a relapse that I thought about different scenarios on an ongoing basis..........not allowing me to move on from the misery.

I won't lie, I think about him sometimes................but not about us together.

Give yourself some time. Serenity will hit you before you know it. Our hearts are very subborned ------ we have to ignore it!

I'll be praying for you tonight.

Hugs,
Mildred

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1534

hey Doll,

I suspect you know the answer already, but will reply anyway... healing is individual specific - NO 'set' time frame, I am sorry to say. Time - as much as well all hate it - is the answer. Some recover in months; some years. I think how much you were emotionally invested / committed, etc... AND how much 'old injuries' you have to resolve are major factors in how much time each of us spend recovering and healing.

This answer is no consolation, of course... b/c it is abstract. It would be great if there were some magical time frame in which one day we suddenly wake up and are completely healed and moved on - but there's not. Gotta do the work - the only EFFECTIVE way out or to the other side is THROUGH.

You'll make it. Congrats on the NC - no minor accomplishment... we can all attest to that. With complete and total NC you are well on your way; and have demonstrated to yourself that you love and care about yourself enough to stop the 'danse macabre' (http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html) - which only keeps you in the fog, confused and tied to the N. You are breaking free Smile

Keep up the great work,

love,

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

thanks so much for your replies. i too am afraid of a relapse. i dont think i could survive it. i am recovering from ptsd amomg other things. sometimes i am so tempted to look him up and see what he is up to..but the fear of emotionally injuring myself and having a relapse i wont be able to revover from straightens me right out. i thank god for this forum, i dont know where i would be without it. seeing others pain and recovery.. and hearing the same feelings and thoughts i am having is more helpful than anything ive tried so far. i thank god for the good people i have in my life even though i sometimes feel so alone. so im waiting for time to do its magic..and trying to help it along. thanks again everyone

wakingup · Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 58

It's been 6 months and im still feeling the same way and have been wondering when will this be over and will i be ok again..
then i remember reading all those posts by people here saying how its taken them a year maybe even 2 or 3 to totally heal..so maybe im just expecting too much of myself in such a short time.. i dont know

anyways ive been having thoughts of just calling him and somehow getting back together.. but i know that wouldnt be right .i think that maybe if my family wont be such an obstacle then i might just tdo that so maybe they're wats saving me frm my own stupidity or i dont know maybe they're keeping me away from my happipness.

just the other day i heard several stories about 2 married couples i know and how terrible their husbands are an then i find myself thinking " well my ex would have never done that " an i think well maybe i shouldnt have left him ..it wasnt that bad..maybe ive just built this image of him being the N monster so I can help myself stay away from him..he told me how im just lying to myself making myself belive that he doesnt love me..he told a friend that my parents hated him and brainwashed me to end our rngagement..which is not true..i feel he was the one who brainwashed me to endure all wat he did to me and to fight with my family for him. yes its true my family did hate him but only after they saw how bad he was and how disrepectful he was with them many times..

I feel really confused and I want to be ok but i want to know that i did make the right decision to leave my N fiance. I want to know that those good times we had were just an act...and i want to know that had i stayed then my life with him would have been miserable.. i mean all the signs point to that yet i just want to be sure.

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1047

Waking up - You sound lonely.

I hear you and I understand.

Revisiting the ex won't make you less lonely. If anything, it will be a band aid and you'll end up feeling MORE lonely as a result of going down that path again.

I'm at a year this next week. A full year. I still have sad thoughts - a lot right now because of the anniversary, but I allow myself to think them briefly - then bring myself back to reality.

You are doing magical thinking right now, sweetie. Come back to reality and keep healing. This will pass - I promise it will.

wakingup · Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 58

knoxy..im so glad u replied that fast Smile

I hope that this coming week wont be too bad for you...i read ur posts and replies all the time and can tell how strong u are..and i can see how ur support to others makes a difference.
seriously i mean when u replied to my post i was like oohh wow its from knoxy Very Happy

as u said maybe i am lonely .. maybe thats y im feeling this way.also its probably cz a common friend caleld me lastt week and wanted to find out wat happened and after trying my best not to talk about it ..and when i felt that ex N had made me look like the heartless one .i found that i had to tell my story and this common friend told me how sorry he was for all that happened and how i was right in my decision.. so in a way that was a good thing but at the same time it brought up lots of things i didnt wanna talk about and i ended up crying and feeling terrible..

His birthday is next month and many of his friends ( common ones but mostly his friends) are coming to town this week and the next and i feel that he will now have some attention from them so he will be fine and he will of course tell them how ehartless i was this past 6 months and how he'd been trying to get back and it just hurts that they will deffinetly believe him and they will never know teh truth.

i just hate how no one sees the true him..
this common friend who i told wat happened was like i cant believe he did all this and he was like wat i cantbelieve is how ex n says that he doesnt know wat he did wrong..he keeps saying he doesnt know y i ended it and he just keeps saying that its cz my parents brainwashed me..so is that projection? cz he was the one brainwashing me so was he projecting his thoughts?

anyways i just wan

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

wakingup...i think you are in the same boat i am in as far as wondering when it will be ok. when will the indifference come and the pain stop. i always relate it to addiction and drugs. someone could be clean for 6 months..then start wondering what will be the harm in just going back for a bit. because going back would alleviate the pain of what is happening, but you know it would only be temporary. i feel that way sometimes..but i am so afraid of ever having to start over again. i could never go through this from the start again. starting nc or anything ever again. you know going back would be a mistake. you just want your pain to end. i totally understand you. but i dont think thats what you really want. a band aid..but when it rips off again, it will hurt worse than ever. thanks everyone for the words of support. i need them so much when i am weak. everyday is a struggle but i am trying and i have no other choice but to keep trying till i get there.

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1047

Broken doll - the addiction example is a great analogy.

See, we're similar to drug addicts when our thinking is skewed. Like "just one more hit" and it will be okay.

At least that's how I see it.

Wakingup - Perhaps you can find the strength to stop asking for or responding to the stories.

Who cares what people say?

Really - the truth will reveal itself. Might be next week - might be next year or decade. But I've found one thing in life - and that one thing is that the truth ALWAYS comes out in some form or another.

Pray for your friends in common that they aren't hurt by this man and release it.

I understand because I had to do the same thing. I actually cut off pretty much all of the friends we had in common because I didn't want to deal with the stories and I didn't want to tempt myself in asking the questions. I was lucky though - they were more HIS friends (if that makes sense).

I think we're effected by this stuff for a long time. Some days are great, some not. Here I sit, a year later, and I still have painful moments. But the best news for me has been, they are fewer and far between. Hell, I remember the days when I couldn't even SEE a man's shirt without crying. Or couldn't even see a sailboat without wanting to barf (triggers for me). Now I'm better. Every day is better.

We are all getting better every day - as long as we follow the formula of no contact - no revisiting - no dipping - no contact by proxy. It's not brain surgery - just tough. But we've been through worse - we're tough folks. Smile