Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

rebuilding · Joined: 07 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

Have any of you had others tell you what a wonderful guy your ExN is. How do they fool so many people? I am a believer in karma and wonder if all his deceptions will ever come back to bite him. It is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 386

Yes and a big NOPE! When I began dating the N, a guy that knew him told me "BE CAREFUL"............but he didn't say what I had to be careful about. Another one told me......."You two look good together .......but I'm not sure you're going to be happy with him". Several others told me that he used to be a womanizer.....but maybe he changed. Of course they were trying to warn me without being too obvious..........but when I look back, I realize that everyone around him knew he was a 'loser'. I was the biggest loser for not listening .......... but not anymore!

People know something is very wrong with them.......they just don't tell you to protect themselves.

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

i get really angry when i think that my "friend" didnt do enough to warn me when she knew what he was...they are related and she lives with him.she knew he was out doing terrible things..she knew he was lying to me every day about every single thing. i no longer speak to her right now as part of my recovery..but i also do realize it was not her responsibilty to save me. i just wish she would have just tried a BIT harder and not say run away after i already had!

Kimmystar · Joined: 09 Jun 2008 Posts: 16 Location: Canada

Everyone that meets my exN loves him. Instantly!! I have never heard of anyone talk bad about him other then his family (mainly his sister and mom). No one else sees through him.

It is terrible.

I can only truly hope that karma does in the end come back. How many more years, women, ppl can he manipulate? It needs to catch up to him at some point...I have to believe that.

disengaging · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 1340

Hi Rebuilding,

I believe in Karma too as in "what goes around, comes around", and eventually, it does.

As far as all these people go who think he's a "wonderful guy"? Most of them probably only know him on the most superfacial of levels. They only see him the way he's intentionally portrayed himself to them, the way he wants them to see him. They don't know the man who hides behind the mask.

As far as why no one wants to warn you? Well, I've tried a few times in the past and speaking from experience, whenever I've tried warning a friend about a guy she started dating, all I accomplished was to lose the friendship. It's pretty much a universal truth that people who believe they are "in love" will not listen to anyone who says anything to the contrary. In fact, if you try, you most likely will be accused of "jealousy" and trying to poisen the relationship because you want the guy for yourself. Even if later on they find out you were telling the truth, by then so many bad words have been spoken and irrevacable harm done that the friendship can't be salvaged, so most people learn it's best to shut up, wait it out and let them find out on their own.

The people who know and care about you won't tell you because they don't want it to cost them your friendship forever. Others? Well, they don't have enough personally invested in either you or him to want to face the potential backlash of ending up the target of your N's "smear campaign.

Catch 22 situation all the way around!

But eventually, karma will take care of it for you because these Ns really are their own worse enemies, and wreck revenge on themselves so you don't have to.

Hugs!

marin · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 69

Strangely enough, no one seems to been too fond of my xN. None of the other collegues are very fond of him, they all seems to think he's a pathetic guy who wants to be the boss. The woman who's job I took over even told me that he was "dangerous" - wished I'd listened! Yes people who briefly meet him, and like the clients of the company we both work for, they fall for his charms and friendly ways. But... this man doesn't have any friends. All he's ever done in his life, is hook on to the friends of his girlfriends and when he dumped the girlfriend, he also dumped the friends and they didn't seem to be bothered with that. It's becoming more and more clear how he is only capable of doing his trick/show being Mr Niceguy for a very short time. Then the real thing comes out - a very cold and arrogant man who doesn't give a d*mn.

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

Kimmystar...the same here!
Actually it is disgusting to watch for me. I have had NC for a couple months...this weekend because he is a "coach" on a different team (we made a decision to leave his team after 10 years) we ran into him. The OW was a perfect squaw walking five paces behind. OW was fetching water, doing scorebook.....my old "friends" just chatted like this was all okay.
It is is simply amazing and the BIGGEST thing for me, their presence gave me a set-back. After all the work I have done on myself it is dumbfounding how thier exsistence controlled who I am. As much as I realize what I allowed it is deep to the core! And, come to find out OW is married.,,,so many other's are hurt with these N's.
My dearest friends who "get it" love and support me. But, not too many people out there waste any energy on being a TRUE friend! This is all very painful and my child is very hurt.
Not sure how any human being can just ignore reality to the point N's can...very very sad!

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1522

I have a good friend of mine, who some years ago met this 'wonderful guy' through her brother - her brother and this guy were work acquaintances - and her exact words to me were "if I weren't married, I'd definitely go for him!" - so I allowed her to make the 'set up'.

We hit it off GREAT, and dated for nearly a year. Somewhere along the 8th or 9th month of dating, he said to me in a telephone conversation "I've got you now, and I don't have to impress you anymore"... I laughed, thinking he was joking. He wasn't. His behavior changed from day to night - suddenly this sweet, thoughtful guy became a tantrum throwing 3 year old. You guessed it ... a not-so-covert N.

I broke it off. My friend did not understand that at all. She still thought he was a 'wonderful guy', even though she rarely interacted with him. Only once or twice in a year's time.

About 2 years later, she contacted me saying "you were SO right about that guy... what a jerk!". Apparently, he had screwed over her brother in some business thing.

My point - N's ALWAYS reveal their true nature at some point. They cannot maintain the mask forever.

love,

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

LOUXLOUX
It took me 12 years to see it. And, 2 years to get out! What is so sad is the damage left behind with me and children. It is amazing EXN is just doing the same thing without any remorse.
I believe that is why the message boards exsist....The healing is so difficult!!
Do you know what I mean?? At some point I have to wonder with all the information, why would it be so hard to move on?? And, why seeing them brings back so much pain?

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

keeping it seperate~ i am with you ..i dont understand why it is so hard to move on. why if we know all we do and truly know they are no good...why do we hurt and find it so hard to let go of it all. it haunts me and every day i try to think is one day closer to being over it. its been three months and i still feel terrible. sometimes i fear it will never go away. what is it about these people that can literally possess a soul and why do i find it so hard to get over something that was so damaging to my life?

Kimmystar · Joined: 09 Jun 2008 Posts: 16 Location: Canada

I am having a hard time moving on as well. It has been a little over three months for me and I feel like my life is still on hold. I am so sick of the hurt, the tears, the sleepless nights, and the nightmares of him being with someone else.
These Ns don't deserve us (or anyone for that matter) but it hurts just knowing that they can live their lives as if nothing ever changed. They have found another source and we are the ones left doing the healing and finding ourselves when we did nothing but love.
I keep asking myself when my days will get better and I keep asking what more I can do to 'heal'.

I found out yesterday that my exN is dating one of his exes. I cannot believe she would take him back after what he said to her (he told her to go and kill herself when depression runs in her family).
Could it be that she never realized this 'disease' and that he charmed his way back in?

broken doll · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 109

its exactly 3 months NC today. i feel proud of myself for finally seeing the light but it still hurts very much. its only been about 3 weeks since he stopped trying to contact me, so i still feel its a new phase of healing now. it all sucks and im tired of it too. i wish i could have my mind erased. seriously and start over. last night was really hard for me, i dont know why. i just kept thinking about all the hurtful things that he did and some good memories too. i dont want to think of this person anymore! i dont want to know what he is doing..i know he is most likely dating up a storm..amd lying to them all as usual. and it makes me sick to know how he fools all these people and comes off looking so good..and they all think they have a prize and tell him how handsome and sexy he is. it makes me SICK. this a**hole actually told me he needs to be worhipped at all times. i hope the more time goes on that i will not run into him or hear anything that might hinder my progress or set me back. thats why i stopped looking at his profile although i have been tempted again. anytime i am tempted i remind myself that it will set me back and injure myself. so i dont do it. i hope i can stay as committed to not hurting myself. 3 months today... its crazy,i never thought i could last a week. but i have and i am inching...very slowly towards a better day

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2213

How Victims are Pathologized and re-abused by the System

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5068

The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4951

The narcissist is confident that people find him irresistible. His unfailing charm is part of his self-imputed omnipotence. This inane conviction is what makes the narcissist a "pathological charmer". The somatic narcissist and the histrionic flaunt their sex appeal, virility or femininity, sexual prowess, musculature, physique, training, or athletic achievements.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/case05.html

buffy · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 26

I just had to go to an appeal with an XN boss. Three judges just sitting there unable to see she was lying lying lying. I hate to keep citing specific examples from the transcripts and they still had trouble understanding the concept of such a well dressed woman just lying through her teeth to them.

Its not such a big deal to me, but lord help those in divoces or custody cases with an XN Crying or Very sad

I know 1 judge understood, one judge was starting to get it and the 3rd judge just would not see it.

I almost didn't go to defend my claim just to keep up NC, but besides the desire to puke (and boy I understand that now!) I just did not make any aknoledgement that it existed expect to counter its lies. I was hoping the N insult would make it go crazy, but it didn't faze it.

It would have been horrible if I didn't understand so much about its behavior now--it said everything you guys would have predicted. It explained it all--projection and mirroring and all the bells and whistles. And even after me poniting out its clear lies it lied some more and they didn't notice. . . . .

If only judges had to read this BB! Very Happy

I could have just said N and they would have understood.