Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Brielle · Joined: 24 Mar 2008 Posts: 14

I have been NC now with my NM for 2 years now. She has successfully turned my siblings against me to the point they have each abused me and make no contact with me (except for birthday and Christmas gifts) I am trying to deal with the loss of my siblings who I was once so close to. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters Each time when I feel I am doing well, healing and making progress, a letter or card from my NM arrives for either myself or my daughters. My NM is so good at sending beautiful glittery cards with beautiful verses that DO NOT match her behaviour. The cards for my daughters usually have money in them (yes she's trying to buy them out.) The problem is every time one of her letters, cards arrive, it sets me back to square one and makes me all anxious again. I know it's her form of manipulation. My daughter received another gift today (no not her birthday) with a card asking her and my other daughter out for lunch.(they are 14 and 12) She has brainwashed my siblings against me, and I know that this b*t^h will stop at nothing and I don't want her to start on my kids. All I want is for this b*t^h to leave my family alone and let us get on with our lives. I thought maybe in future I would throw out ALL correspondence from her without even opening it. I can't believe the impact each letter, card has on me every time. I know what she's like but I still get so upset EVERY time. Another problem with throwing out all correspondence is I don't want to break my children's trust. Normally I would never dispose of someone else's mail but this woman is not normal and I want to protect my children from her mind games !!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 211

Brielle,
Your daughters are old enough to get why you are NC with their Ngrandma? When my NM would do the same thing, I would take the money out of card and give to them, I would give the gifts but take out the emotional bullshit, so that the kids would NOT get sucked into the games. Your right, the manipulation is the game, but you are their mother and if you protect yourself, then you have every right to do it for them. NO LUNCH!!!! Your instincts know better. Look, we are not talking about a friendly lunch with a relative who loves them, we are talking about a preditor who uses people to cast slander into your life. And will USE even their own grandchilren. I know for what I speak. My NM did all the same games, we are NC for years, and the kids know exactly what kind of sicko she is, and have lots and lots of memories, (bad) off all the crap she did to me, husband, and our family, and if I can save 1 family from those experiences, just listen to me.

You know what to do, and we support you here. You do what you gotta do,and put your foot down. WHen my NM sued me, she severed all relationship ties to my kids. Plain and simple, because of the CHOICES she made to hurt and maniputate her family.

The cheese stands alone. My NM elinated me from my extended family and my only sister, but my sister is an adult, who know right from wrong, and chooses to cling to her crazy mother. So................its pretty safe to tell you, that her and I have nothing now. I too, have a wonderful husband and 3 kids. My oldest son, is 21 and he went to her for some money help, and she did her, best to use that to hurt me. It caused quite a problem here, for me and family, but...................he saw the error of his ways, and the crazy up close and personal, she slandered me, my husband and everything..

She would be the first one, too, if given the chance, to call Social Services and try to take my kids away. My NM is maliscous. I heed you with my expamples and warnings!!!

You don't want this to happen to you. Cut it out, like the bad disease it is.

NC is NC. Not cards, lunch bullshit. Its NC to get on with raising your daughters and not have them be scarred with her bullshit. N really piss me off.
So take this advise in the context it is given, as one ACON to another.
Please for your girls, cut it off. No more manipulation. and Pray for the strength and resolve to stand for it.
PEace
Kim

Brielle · Joined: 24 Mar 2008 Posts: 14

Kim thank you soooo much for your support. I've had a sleepless night worrying about it but to now find your response has made me feel so much better. It's so nice to have someone who understands.

To be honest, when the parcel arrived yesterday for my daughter, I felt the need to open it. I've never done this ever before but this time I felt the need to. (she was at school) In it were 2 magazines for her and a cutesy card 'thinking of you' asking her and her sister out for lunch. She has tried sending me a card a few times throughout the NC asking us all out to lunch. Of course I just ignored them. To have all that she's done and for her to think by buying us lunch everything will be fine???? She got no Nsupply from me through those cards, so now she thought she'd go above me and try my kids alone.

It threw me into a spin and turmoil not knowing what to do and angry with my NM (again!!!!!) I have resealed the parcel and card and was torn between whether I should give it to my daughter or not. NM is so calculating.

In the 2 years NC I have been giving my girls the gifts and parcels from her. They do know she'll send birthday/Christmas gifts.(and what kid doesn't like that?) Should I be honest with my girls and tell them it's another form of her manipulation and we're not going to do it any more. I don't want it to come back and bite me down the track with my girls. I'm trying so hard to be open with them and give them choices and let them have their own opinion (all the things I wasn't given as a child or even as an adult!!)and this is where calculating NM has got to me again. I feel so guilty as doing this with the parcel/card is so contrary to my normal values. She is trying to come between me and my daughters now.

Thanks so much again. I never realised till joining this site that there's others just like my NM. Amazing the identical traits they have!!!!!! It's so comforting to get help from those who know first hand.

Brielle

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 211

Brielle,
Your question, "Should I be honest with my girls........."?
You know your kids and you raised them. You know how they will react. I think that YOU as their mother, who is in the care of them, to protect them, SHOULD, and this is just my opinion, you gotta do whats right for you,...take any presents out of parcels from NG, and go thru the stuff first. If you think there is no harm in a present, then give it to them. Keep all cards, and throw away, and just throw away any cards, messages, etc that come for you from now on. When you read the nice words, it does screw with your heard. Thats why they do it.

But the girls, you need to be straight up about the how the gifts are intended to sway feelings, of pity for NG. You can explain that she loves them, of course, but when she does not respect mommy's feelings, its not the good kind of love, that you feel for them. Its mean to do something. Whether its to keep a foot in the door of your life, which they use their grandkids for, or to find out stuff, or the ever present, to forget the harm they have done, and just pretend, NOTHING is wrong, till the next time.

Have you valued your time away from her???? Have your kids seen you less stressed, and such. You could approach this also from that aspect.
I would always say to my NM, " Life can be hard enough on most days, why do you add this crap to it". I am a mom, and I would lie my life down, to save my kids one minute of heartache. Our Mother's would not do that. They thrive on the drama, and then can't understand WHY we don't want them around. I used to call my mom the "Tornado", I was always left to clean up after she leveled my world. That gets old and tiring. THeres more to life, and raising these girls is it.

You owe her nothing, and my advise, is don't spend much of your time, trying to explain crazy to kids. They are wiser than we give them credit. and they would never want to see you hurt for some present. THats the way to look at this.
You are far more important to them, everyday, not some stupid gift, thats meant to manipulate. We as adults know the meaning of manipulate, put this in a context like with their friends, so they can get what your saying.

Example" You would not want so and so to give you a present just to play with her, and be her friend, is deep down, you really don't like her, would you? That would not be right?

You get what I'm saying. In kid language, start the dialog. I call my NM "Maude", and not grandma. She lost that privlege many years ago.
You don't want them to hate, but rather to be honest. And if NM creeps you out, like mine does, YOUR the mother now, and not her.

My NM was always trying to pull rank. Like, when can I see MY grandchildren. Etc..... MY answer, not today, thanks.
End of conversation. Watch your back. You need to be smart, and not emotional. You kids are irreplaceable, NS can come from anyone. Remember who we are dealing with, and reamember how it made you feel. Letting those girls have their feelings, is one thing, and opinions, but offering them up as NS to a woman who thinks she can have what she wants when she wants, is another.
I hope this helps. ANd does not make it worse. But this is YOUR life, and family, and you know what you know, and you would never want them to go through how we were treated and raised. Laughing

Let me know what you think?
Peace
Kim

Brielle · Joined: 24 Mar 2008 Posts: 14

Kim, thank-you for putting it all in perspective. Sometimes it's hard to see it rationally. Emotions and guilt get in the way, but of course this is the intention of NM by continuing to send these manipulative letters.

You're right I am the MOTHER now and I won't allow my kids to be exploited in any way. NM is still trying to undermine me as a parent and take control. She has no right to think she is able to screw with my kids minds too. I wouldn't dream of leaving my kids alone with any other crazed person, so why would I with this one?

We can all feel the benefits of being away from NM. I'm becoming such a different person. The only stress occurs when she sends a letter/card , so one easy way to fix that..........throw them out!!!

I have a bag full of letters from NM, some have been so nasty and made me sob for weeks. NM siblings (my aunts and uncle) have had numerous nasty letters too from her and some have gone NC also now.Who does she think she is? She thinks she can write anything to anyone.

I'm thinking more clearly now. Thanks again for your help.

Brielle

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 718

I didn't have time to ready everyones post here but I briefly read Baby_kays and I agree with her that your kids are old enough to know that there Grandma is an N and that is why she upsets you and does things that aren't nice.. and then sugar coats it by sending a card and money...
I would let your children know how you feel about her and some of the reasons why and that you want to protect them so they don't get hurt by her the way she has hurt you.. I think they are old enough to understand..
My father has an NM.. I never had a close relationship with my NGM.. My father was the scapegoat kid that she dumped on while she treated her daughter much better.. Anyway.. even from the age of about 12 I knew my Dad's NM was mean and a mental case ( I have never called her grandmother I just refer her by her first name.. so does my father)
The fact that I have seen my NGM abuse my father verbally and say the most vile evil things about other people has kept me away from her.. When I was older I gave her another chance thinking my childhood impression could have been swayed by my father or because I was so young at the time.. But nope.. She was/is most definately an N..
My father had an Nm and then married an N...later divorced my NM though.. Anyway.. I have a feeling your children may have already seen some of your NM's crazy making behavior and may already undersand how she is and how she treats you... I always wanted to protect my father from her harming him.. I still feel protective of my father.. I hate it when he calls her for her birthday or mothers day cause she always says the most evil and obnocious thing to bring him down whenever he is kind to her...If not now in time.. trust me.. Your kids will understand who she is and may also want to protect you from her as much as you want to protect them!

Paua · Joined: 10 Jun 2008 Posts: 11

Wow I am so relieved to find you all…I too thought I was the only one. I have found reading the board really useful for being able to identify traits and find a road forward.

Quick background:

Product of 2Ns, both of them only children…one GM loved dogs more than children…..other GM a sweet old lady…till she turned into a right disappointment …as well as a NB.

In 2000 my NB kidnapped his 2 children and in 2003-2005 we all ended up in court, My niece and nephew were finally reunited with their mother, in 2005. We all live in different countries…complicated… yes. Once again we are all in court again 4 years later…But that is all another story….

So Brille, back to your post:

I have found over this time having a record preferable in writing has come in very useful.

A suggestion is to get a trusted friend who will help you. Give them what you have a get them to throw out what would not be useful, should you ever need proof of their behaviour Then with new parcels, your friend will know what to pass onto kids and what not to and what to keep just in case….because you never know….

For future parcels letters etc, forward them onto your friend, try not to take them into your house….preferably just get back into the car…and drive straight to a post box and get rid of it…hopefully by the time you get home all of the nasty shock will be gone and you will walk into the warmth of the home and family you created.

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 431

I agree with lynn that your children are old enough to at least partly understand that your relationship w/ your NM is a painful and unhealthy thing for not only you but your family.
I have a personal problem with the idea of your withholding their mail from them. My own NM used to intercept, read, and withhold mail addressed to me when I was about 12. She was not honest with me and not forthcoming with MY MAIL, and I am still pissed about it after 38 years. I feel that my boundaries were seriously violated and that being denied the chance to make up my own mind about my own mail was a big dishonor to me. My situation, however, was different from your children's, in that it was my N parent intercepting my mail from my non-N parent. So that's probably a significant difference.
I hope there is an open, honest way to let your children know how you feel and what you think of their GM, and how destructive her poison is, and still give them the honor and trust to make up their own minds, in their own ways.
Mind you, this is just my immediate, emotional reaction to your difficult and sticky situation, for whatever it's worth. I wish you good luck, wisdom, and support in whatever you decide to do.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 211

Just my two cents:

N's use manipulation and such to suck in NS and they use children also.
My experience was that withholding damaging pychological materials from my kids was good thing.

Peace
Kim