Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

seekingserenity · member Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Thank you Oaktree for this insight. It makes a whole lot of sense. I understand your feelings about your Nmom 100 percent. Serenity

tiredinpa · Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:02 pm Post subject:

Wow, we all must be related!!!

What everyone wrote,......I could have written.....it's the "how DARE you after all I have done for you, gave you etc etc" and then she expects you to kiss her behind!!!! She actually said to my husband that maybe she should buy me a new car to get me to talk to my rotten (!) sister! I was shocked, appauled and disgusted. That comment once again (!) showed me her true colors!
Shocked

FairCompany · member Joined: 28 Mar 2008 Posts: 7

windinthetrees · member Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 147

what about always leaving the price tag on? I am talking expensive things as well as cheap? what the? My N mother in law does this all the time. it is strange too b/c she is so apparently up on ettiquite!

lynn1234 · member Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 769

My NM would give with the intention to get something in return...It was like Tit-For-Tat for her... She rarely gave and I could see my sister almost forcing her to by a decent gift for her for christmas.. My sister isn't the kind to accept mom's dollar store gifts and will even be vocal and tell my NM that she doesn't use that kind of stuff and doesn't want it... If I ever vocalized how I felt about recieving dollar store gifts all HELL would break loose....Anyway... NM would practically be forced into buying my sister something decent for christmas in the 50 dollar to 100 dollar range... You would think my NM was having her teeth pulled! And there always seemed to be this unspoken understanding that Mom was helping you out so you better give to her when she asks for something... Ofcorse her demands are on a regular basis....
Faircompany.. My NM also controlled me to get me to give to her by putting my on a guilt trip that I am "rich"... I'm not... But she brainwashed my sister into believing that and then would hold it against me when I wouldn't cater to all NM's demands... She would slander me to my sister saying" Look how rich Lynn is and she won't help you or me for X, Y,Z... Unfortunately,, she had my sister believing the B.S.. My sister still beileves it so I look like the bad guy no matter how much I give it's never good enough or enough....One of the reasons I am done with my NM and happily NC... Very Happy

freethispirit · member Joined: 13 Jan 2008 Posts: 27

Gifts were about control, her looking good to others or about manipulation.

She also bought me clothes she'd like..ie turning me into her. That aspect of gift giving, I found really strange. It was always what she'd of wanted and I felt she wanted me to be a 'mini her'. Clothes way too old for me and not my style at all.

Oh the look on her face, when she gave (ALWAYS with an audience) to this day, still makes me cringe to think of it. The fake smile and martyred look..ewwww!

She had away of letting it be know, that gifts to her, were never good enough.

Somehow I always felt I'd been 'soiled' when she bought me a gift. No one else, has ever made me feel that way.

Seems our N mothers were all cut out of the same cloth. Synthetic material...nylon - annoying against the skin.

Ellie321 · member Joined: 09 Feb 2008 Posts: 26

kikisand · member Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

Oh my gosh, you guys have me howling out loud again, laughing - because I can't believe how much all these stories ARE MY LIFE!

Yes, ALL gifts come with strings. And I do believe that the only way an N mother, especially, can show "love" is to buy you things. My Nmom is the opposite of the crappy gifts - she goes WAY out on a limb financially to buy me a complete outfit for holidays - everything matches, shoes and all. The clothes are beautiful (and, when my Dad was here, mostly chosen by him). But, oh, the strings! She could not afford it, but this was all she had to give, and it just made (and still makes) me feel hideous. She looks at you while you are opening them, and I truly don't know what kind of response she is looking for, but it is never the right one...does she want backflips? kisses on the lips? If you don't show sheer, unadulterated joy at whatever she gave you, she will say "well, you can return it, I didn't think you would like it." Poop on you. And of course, she is all dejected, poor Nmom, nasty daughter never likes ANYTHING!

I don't know how many times I heard "and after all I've done for YOU!" Holy crap, lady! One time, I was a young professional, single, living in the same town, and had even landed a job in the same industry as Nmom (which, of course, she bragged about to no end - but never a peep to me about how proud she was of me). I visited them at home, and something had flown up her craw, and she started in on me on how I hadn't done ANYTHING for her...well, there I stood in my dark-suited, black pumps and briefcase splendor, and retorted "take a good long look at what I have done for you..." and walked out the door. Of course, she and Dad showed up a couple of hours later with a Snickers bar for me (never mind she nagged about my weight all the time, usually with a disapproving glance - even though I was quite lovely, not to brag Wink

. This was supposed to be the apology.

But how do you apologize for a lifetime of crap? The same crap over and over again?

Also, did any of you, especially the gals, have to go shopping with Nmom? When I met my DH, he put an end to Nmom and my once a week shopping excursions, because he said they upset me so much - and I didn't even realize it. To this day, at the age of 42, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go shopping, especially for clothes, with Nmom again.

Here's how it goes..."oh, mom, I'm looking for a gray sweater" (first mistake), "ok, let's go find one"... Nmom, "how about this one," me, wrinkled nose, "no, that's not exactly what I was looking for..." (fear and trembling in my voice), Nmom shoves the sweater back into the rack "you NEVER like anything I pick out, you are SO SPOILED!, why are you so picky? you can't wear a medium, by the way, you are a LARGE." Crap on you lady, shopping trip over.

She did the same thing to me this Christmas - as soon as she said, "let's pick out your Christmas present together" I almost wretched - I couldn't get out of it because she was here at my invitation because we lost my Dad in October, and I didn't want her to be alone.

Stupid me.
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

kikisand · member Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 67

Oh my gosh, you guys have me howling out loud again, laughing - because I can't believe how much all these stories ARE MY LIFE!

Yes, ALL gifts come with strings. And I do believe that the only way an N mother, especially, can show "love" is to buy you things. My Nmom is the opposite of the crappy gifts - she goes WAY out on a limb financially to buy me a complete outfit for holidays - everything matches, shoes and all. The clothes are beautiful (and, when my Dad was here, mostly chosen by him). But, oh, the strings! She could not afford it, but this was all she had to give, and it just made (and still makes) me feel hideous. She looks at you while you are opening them, and I truly don't know what kind of response she is looking for, but it is never the right one...does she want backflips? kisses on the lips? If you don't show sheer, unadulterated joy at whatever she gave you, she will say "well, you can return it, I didn't think you would like it." Poop on you. And of course, she is all dejected, poor Nmom, nasty daughter never likes ANYTHING!

I don't know how many times I heard "and after all I've done for YOU!" Holy crap, lady! One time, I was a young professional, single, living in the same town, and had even landed a job in the same industry as Nmom (which, of course, she bragged about to no end - but never a peep to me about how proud she was of me). I visited them at home, and something had flown up her craw, and she started in on me on how I hadn't done ANYTHING for her...well, there I stood in my dark-suited, black pumps and briefcase splendor, and retorted "take a good long look at what I have done for you..." and walked out the door. Of course, she and Dad showed up a couple of hours later with a Snickers bar for me (never mind she nagged about my weight all the time, usually with a disapproving glance - even though I was quite lovely, not to brag Wink

. This was supposed to be the apology.

But how do you apologize for a lifetime of crap? The same crap over and over again?

Also, did any of you, especially the gals, have to go shopping with Nmom? When I met my DH, he put an end to Nmom and my once a week shopping excursions, because he said they upset me so much - and I didn't even realize it. To this day, at the age of 42, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go shopping, especially for clothes, with Nmom again.

Here's how it goes..."oh, mom, I'm looking for a gray sweater" (first mistake), "ok, let's go find one"... Nmom, "how about this one," me, wrinkled nose, "no, that's not exactly what I was looking for..." (fear and trembling in my voice), Nmom shoves the sweater back into the rack "you NEVER like anything I pick out, you are SO SPOILED!, why are you so picky? you can't wear a medium, by the way, you are a LARGE." Crap on you lady, shopping trip over.

She did the same thing to me this Christmas - as soon as she said, "let's pick out your Christmas present together" I almost wretched - I couldn't get out of it because she was here at my invitation because we lost my Dad in October, and I didn't want her to be alone.

Stupid me.
_________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Ellie321 · member Joined: 09 Feb 2008 Posts: 26

Wow Kiki, that was an awesome rant! More power to you!

I choked on my cup of tea (how British of me!) when you said they brought you a Snickers bar?! Wow, what are you - six years old?

In amongst my moments of utter despair at having such a cruddy, dysfunctional family, I'm finding more and more the ability to laugh at their antics.

I guess that's why the Victorians loved freak shows......!

tattooedscarlett · member Joined: 03 Apr 2008 Posts: 43

...

zanderman1 · member Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 474

My birthday comes a few days before school usually starts, and my NM would carefully wrap up school supplies as gifts and give them to me on my birthday. Pencils, a plastic ruler, etc.

Also NM has a way of giving you something and as she gives it she says something that ensures that you will never enjoy it. She gave me a t-shirt that had some howling wolves on it b/c she knew I love wolves. (I do love wolves, but I do not necessarily love t-shirts with wolves on them--it's not the same thing.) I tried it on and said the tag at the back of the neck was itchy and I would take it off. Shouldnta said anything. She said, "Well, if you do, CUT it off carefully. Don't just grab ahold of it and RIP it out." Like I'm 6 years old and she's letting me know that I'm brutal, stupid and careless and don't appreciate or take care of nice things.
Not a really cruel remark, but every time I saw that t-shirt in with my other t-shirts I remembered the comment and felt a little bad, w/o knowing exactly why. After not wearing it for several months, I finally used it as a painting shirt and then threw it away. So I didn't appreciate it after all and didn't take care of it, just like she told me. Ding! She wins again. She is always right, no matter what.

smith01285 · member Joined: 31 May 2008 Posts: 12

thats pretty much all it is...
a form of control.

or with my mom she buys or does something for you so she can turn around and ask you for something back in return. never fails.

she always likes to offer things too. then she turns right around and ask you for something. and if you say no, she gets upset and starts the guilt trip bulls***.

lol
sometimes i just have to laugh...

limited · member Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 47

My NM likes to recycle clothes she bought for herself and either she didn't like or did not fit her. Sometimes they look new, other times you can see that they have been used. She also likes to buy things on sales in what she thinks are uppity-up shops, usually these items are on sale because gaudy or out of fashion. She basically buys what she wants, with no regards for my taste or desires, but she always did make a great fanfare on how great and valuable the present is. And she usually wraps them with old paper, shoddily and then writes all over the package instead of wrriting you a card.
Conversely I can not remember one time that I gave her a present that she liked. When I was a child she would tell me:"I don't want presents, I want only obedience and respect" . Ouch...Now she make clear she did not want the present, it was an inconvenience picking it up at the post office, it's clearly cheap, you name it. Then she turn around a gives my present to my sister in law, niece and so on. The last one: I sent her a tempur- pedic mat pad because she always complained about a sore back and would not do anything about it. From the West Coast to Europe. Result? She told me she fell off the bed twice because it was wider that her materass, she couldn't sleep at night with it. She did not cut it to shape and had my brother, the golden child. put it away. A guess I'm a little off topic, sorry...I got carried away.

leigh · member Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

Thanks to everyone who wrote on this topic! As I was reading your replies I saw why it is so difficult for me to accept a gift or compliment from anyone today. My mother also used the famous "after all I have given you/done for you" line on numerous occasions. I dreaded receiving a gift from her because it was rarely what I wanted and always came with strings attached. I am 35 years old today and still have trouble accepting gifts - and now I understand why. I associate every gift with the emotional blackmail that my mother's gifts came with. When someone gives me a gift today, I immediately think "o.k. what do you want from me/what do I owe you in return/how are you going to make me feel bad for this gift. How screwed up is that! There are some people in the world who give gifts and compliments for the joy of giving - my mother is just not one of them. But I have people in my life who are generous in that way, and I can now see the possibility (really for the first time in my life) that someone would want to give me a gift or compliment to honor my contribution to their life, not because they want something from me or they want to emotionally blackmail me. That is a powerful insight, and I thank you all for sharing your stories on this topic - I would not have seen this possibility for receiving other's generosity if I had not read your posts.