Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

No matter how tempted you are to interact or fight back don't ever let them know what you are feeling act calm and disinterested in their games. I made mistake of talking freely with narc daughter and also to friends who knew her. If your narc is clever he or she can use what you say to make your life even worse. I am a open friendly person and usually speak quite easily about myself and my life but I have had to relearn my boundaries and be careful. Usually my daughter would contact me once or twice a year and I thought each time it was to try and reconcile with me and welcomed her right back into the fold and told her all our news and got her up to date with my new friends and life etc.. Each time she would then disappear and there was no contact. It is only this year I have truly understood what was going on. She had no desire to form relationship but uses each contact as a fishing expedition. In talking and communicating with a narc we unconciously give away our fears and weaknesses and vulnerable angles. For instance I said to her I forgive you for telling lies and family business to everyone. ]This is a part of her game playing that truly hurts]. So this gave her knowledge of how to hurt me most. She then intensified her spreading lies. Also I said my friend and I have had an argument so she goes straight to this friend and starts a friendship and confides in her and gains another ally in her game against me. She also has a friend whose son goes to my kids school. The other day this friend went to some of my friends in the playground and was crying saying that I had shouted at her and I was angry with her. I was astonished as I go out of my way to ignore her knowing full well that what ever she finds out about me goes straight back to my narc daughter., Now some of few mates I have left are convinced I am bullying this woman. I am sure soon my daughter will talk to them too and the cycle will continue. What hurts most is as I lose friends my two youngest also lose the friendship of their children too. I work for a counselling charity and know that the first rule of counselling is confidentiality I would never discuss private stuff about someone especially in such a manner to cause them distress. I hate the way my narc uses the goodwill and sympathy of others in her campaign. I would urge everyone to be suspicious of gossip. I I now do not pass anything on or believe anything unless i see it or hear it with my own eyes.

belrose · Joined: 03 May 2008 Posts: 1

Chenique
It's amazing what our own children will do to us. I should talk to my psy and narc son's friends/aquaintences and take behaviour tempurature reading. Our son doesn't get into trouble at school(he's 14) for fighting, buthe's been arressted for hitting and clawing my husband and myself. about 2yrs ago we noticed the boy will lie without fear about anything,even if he knows he'll get caught within hrs. It never occured to me that he was a narc ! I feel like i should have a red apot on my forhead from saying "DUH !" after reading how many symptoms he had in common with other's children. He appears to not have a conscience. i can't say how strange and suprizing to realize what he is. HOWEVER it has finally enabled me to not be so angry with him. Try telling a duck not to be a duck, next time you see him he'll still quack. We couldn't change what he is no matter how hard we try and we'd cause ourselve's much disappointment trying. Still the duckieness of my son is so strange to see.We can pray. Jesus is the great physician and can do what we cannot.-Belrose

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

galleonquest · Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

what you're writing is true, I made the same experience. I tried discussing with my N&P dad about how he made me feel. Instead of showing any sign of guilt he pretty much laughed it off and used it against me in the course of months.

It came to a point where I became afraid of talking to anyone about it, because of how silly he made me sound.

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

yes galleonquest that is how they work and how they have worked all their life and so they are soooooo clever at there is not much we can do to show them up for what they are it just makes us look mad! I have lost friends by trying to prove what is going on but I know now just how sick the human mind is. For instance is you or I do something wrong. We don't mean to do it and are sorry after .......the narc does his/her damage having planned the act and arranged infinite ways to cover their tracks. Most normal people could never work this way. Sympathy must be given to the narc though as they have learnt this from an early age to compensate often for a emotional trauma and hence control the world around them. When i say sympathy though I in no way mean show them you sympathise!!!! If a narc feels they can emotionally burrow under your skin you are lost. The way I think they win mostly is because socially we don't want to think bad of people and so if a narc chooses us as a victim or indeed Tool we want to believe their version and they make it worth our while emotionally. If we show them kindness and belief they reward us with attention flattery and all kind of social gifts so we relax and see them as a friend or a caring person. ALL THIS IS LIES. The narc watches others to see what real feelings are. He or she is astonished to see how easy we can be manipulated. Politicians make good narcs.

I think five out of every ten people have narc leanings and three out of ten are dangerous narcs. The less clever narcs end up in prison or are caught out the clever silent narcs you will never see until they hit you and even then you might not be able to prove it. Serial killers who remain undetected but who are able to con us all. We would do well to hone our skills of healthy paranoia if we want to find them out. I have met a lot of people who even when shown the evidence of a narc at work turn their eyes away as they don't want to see what is going on. Because if you actually start discecting the narc network you will see that it will mean uprooting a lot of your friends or values you thought were secure and true.
The things to look out for are

Is this a real friendship I have with this person ?
Am I telling this person more than they are telling me?
What do I actually know about this person? Where did our friendship start? Do they say things sometimes I think are strange?

Once you start asking these questions you will see that there are different levels of friendship even within families. The cleverness in the narc game is that they find info out about you by using contacts... who I call narc enablers. The narc enabler is usually not as smart as the narc but emotionally likes gossip and bullying and being part of this kind of game etc.. They become the link between you and the narc and the clever bit is you never guess that the narc and the enabler know each other. If the game works right the narc gets all juicy bits of info regarding your state of mind and next move from the enabler
After I cut ties with my family narc member I thought oh they will get on with their life and I with mine. Bigggg mistake the narc has only just started. I had a person appear in my life at that time who appeared friendly and even asked me to mind her son and take to school etc. I never thought for a moment that the narc and this friend were linked. Bigggg mistake because as I was trying to recover these two linked with other people to create strands of bullying that I had no idea where they were originating.

Like the mugger who spins his victim I was left friendless and reeling. This will have a terrible effect on any other family members and children as the victim starts to unravel. BE CAREFUL...it doesn't mean don't have friends but it does mean that out of sight may not be out of mind.
A narcs attention is serious.....deadly serious. I think this lies in the way their mind cycles. And this is where murder comes in I think. Those people you hear about who can't let go of a relationship or are so slighted by something done to them they cycle it round and round in their head untill they snap..... I don't mean to worry anyone but I do think anyone thinking of going back in to a narc relationship of any kind needs to be very careful.

With me the thing that made me realise I had to toughen up was my younger kids. I have to show them how to deal with these people and they need me mentally happy not in shadow of a narc.

resumeagain · Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 4

I am so glad that I read your post, I was involved with a NP for the past four years, his daughter ( 32 ) lives away. However they are closer than if she lived here. They speak on the phone 12 times a day! After reading your post I figured it out, she would take everything I said and give it back to her father twisted, she does this with her brothers, she makes up lies and manipulates everything and everyone. She is as sick as he is.
What I cannot figure out is the bonding they have, they tell all to each other, I even suspect there has been a sexual thing going on with them.
Thanks for the insight. I made such a fool of myself, I thought she geniunely wanted to help me and her Dad work things out!

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

sweetbrandy · Joined: 28 Sep 2007 Posts: 6

What you say is amazingly true. I have noteced they just laugh it off, or make threats about using your concerns against you later. It's like they file it away, and give you more of what you complained about down the line.
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" I used to think I was a lover of truth, and truth was kept from me. Then I realized there was a lot of truth staring me in the face all along. I did not see it, because I did not love it."

chenique · Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

caution and patience is the way to deal with narcissists! Like a basket of snakes. Best not to associate with them but if you absolutely have to then calmly and without emotion! They work best when you give them a honest truth about your self. So be warned....

A normal person would recognise it for what it is like .....if you were to say ...It really hurts me when we don't talk and communicate . The narcissist thinks oh I can play with her and not talk...that is what gets to her and files it away for next time. Where the normal person thinks oh okay she has been honest with me and I can open up to her more and we may take this relationship forward. If the narcissist wants a relationship to work it strikes me as a fact that it will work until such time as he/she decides it no longer suits him/her . If he wants it to hurt.... you can bet your bottom dollar it will be excruciating. As long as you are blind to the manipulation then it is worth the narcissist's while to continue. Prepare for the storm if you turn your back on them. A narcissist scorned is not a happy bunny!

bobcatpaw · Joined: 21 May 2008 Posts: 21

My evil N sister has to date distroyed every relationship i been in, 2 careers (moveing cross country did not help much), She also managed to make my graduateing collage a very hollow experance. By ensureing my parents were to financly crippled to travel, Distroying my last relationship i was in and some other assorted drama i scarcly know how to put into words.
After spending a few months suicidle....I decided it was time to change the way i play the game. Although i now have a job i enjoy I understand i am simply holding it till she finishes toying around and makes her killing manuver. After 15 years I fully know what to expect.
So with lack of anything better to do, I been provokeing her recently . I decided to use very formal and clean cut speach, Never loseing my controll and keeping it to emails only. I know she is very intelegent, and a souless creature from the abyss. I understand this may not be the wiseist corse of action. But considering i have little else to lose at this point. It is time to change the way this game is played.

kds1 · Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

to all and bobcat- i totally know what all of you are feeling. this is a great group of supportive people here. i am new to forum. my sister is a P too- i never know when the fangs are going to come out of nowhere to give me a lethal dose of poison from her. she exists solely off stealing and manipulating others for money -most times to the person's financial ruin. she tells me i am "all talk and no action". because i refuse to work to support her lifestyle of drugs and booze and no work. she feels everyone in the universe OWES her an existence and preferential treatment just because she EXISTS. and she is convinced this is the way the world works. nothing will get her to see the light. she is 44 yrs old. been this way forever. Please stay strong, and as others have advised me, NC with the P. they never learn , and only appear nice to you when the think they can get something from you OR when they are losing their other sources of financial or gossip support supply. all they breed is evil, vile, spew about anyone and everyone. they hate anyone who will catch them in their 'game' and will vilify them until the end of time. their whole world is fooling people about who and what they really are. if they put 1/50th the energy into a job or profession that they do to fool people- they would probably rule the world. thank GOD they do not.

moonlightkisu · Joined: 16 Sep 2008 Posts: 126 Location: USA

unfortunately I failed at this because I didn't know he was an N until he dumped me, so I studied up and wrote a nice emotionally devoid but bold letter.

But oh yea, he used the rope to hang me as much as possible. I had assumed he was the 'guy (er .. 'thing')' I met when I first met him. That was a mistake.

Oh well, good information for any future encounters .. should I be unlucky enough to have one. I think I am rather well equipped.
_________________
Say hello to your future, i'm just pleased to meet you
you were a million miles away
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