Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

galleonquest · member Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

I'm 24, my dad is a narcissistic psychopath.
I've been in counseling for over a year now, in the wake of my life just falling apart, and the mess that it has been so far, becoming evident.
He abused me for roughly 19 years until I moved out, however I had a disposition to draw other psychopaths near me, and foolish as I was they often held critical positions in my life taking this to a whole new level.
In all these years it felt like he was there in one way or another, just in different people.
About a year ago I was forced to move back to my home country, due a persistent illness and other health related issues. For a brief amount of time it was necessary to actually stay with my parents until I had undergone surgery to fix my condition.

Oh, before this gets too confusing, I had no idea he was actually a psychopath (not even knowing what it was) until my therapist told me to read up on it and compare it to my dad and i was surprised to see that it fit.

Well anyway, I was back in my home country, had just undergone surgery staying with my parents, when it all happened again. He struck me, beat me senseless (while recovering), his rationale was that i was being disobedient or something (apparently being 23 and not following every single order is considered disobedient in some people's warped heads).
It was just insane and I felt extremely humiliated and violated, more so than in all the years that had come before, possibly because I felt that I was a grown man now and that this cycle had come to an end. However it got much worse, he began manipulating me again, made the world seem like such a bleak and dangerous place.. and i forgot everything there was, or that I had experienced before; that proved his thesis wrong. Actually, I forgot everything, it all moved into a place far away and it was akin to losing ones memory. I suffered several nervous breakdowns during my time at his house and he responded to each one aggressively. I was confused, not being used to masking my emotions anymore, I had somehow forgotten the "rules of engagement" and ended up committing myself to a mental ward.
However, instead of helping me cope with this situation and helping me to find a way outt, I was labeled to suffer from depression after a five minute interview and "treated" accordingly. During my commitment I managed to find an apartment and moved out to live in my own again, yet the scars from all the years of abuse that were ripped open once more made my life ever more difficult and I couldn't find a way to cope with it, thus I decided to go into treatment. I don't know how to describe it, it just felt like there was no future in my life, the now didn't matter and i was always holding out for something to happen that would be good and would get me out of this mess, not even knowing what the mess was, not pin pointing its source.
Having been raised in that environment, I must've somehow been set up (almost like programmed) to remain in a cycle that he pleased, not finding a way out and at one point I noticed this, so i went to find a counselor and have been in therapy for roughly 5 months now. During that time i learned about psychopathy, I also managed to get things to go into a good direction.
Anyway, just recently I visited my parent's place again, for my mother's birthday. The entire thing turned into a mess quickly, I can't even describe what happened, he was just massively offended by the manner I presented myself in and became increasingly more hostile, so i told him to calm the fuck down and got ready to leave. Just as i was about to leave he jumped me, choked me, hit me in the face and screamed that he was going to beat me to death.
This was about two weeks ago, I haven't been back to that place since then. At first I thought I could just go on with my life somehow, but this particular incident set off some kind of self destruction switch.
At random, I've started experiencing panic attacks (especially when I'm about to do something important). I haven't had a chance to see my shrink yet (though I will tomorrow).. so perhaps he can show me a way out of the current situation.

For me it's hard to understand or accept the fact that he's really a psychopath and extremely dangerous, even more confusing is the fact that he seems to feel absolutely no guilt for his actions (from what my mom tells me he's actually very upbeat and told her that he did mean to beat her to a pulp and that he could never hurt his own child and shit like that).

Anyway, having panic attacks sucks, especially right now cus t's a very inopportune time to have em, since I'm about to move to England to return to college. To an extent I feel like this was such a set up, and in general it's very difficult for me to even talk about this to anyone in my surroundings. Some of my friends know, but don't seem to fully understand, which makes sense since this isn't something you run into every day.
I'm sorry for this having been a bumpy ride, I just haven't been feeling like myself since shit hit the proverbial.

So Hi there, I'm new here, what's up?

Stand4Change · member Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 67

I wish I could give you a hug, try this one (( ))

Have you considered pressing charges with the local authorities? It sounds like you and your mother have suffered enough and someone may someday be killed, even if it is as your mother says "not intended."

Have you heard about Eckerd Tolle? I read his book The Power of Now about 100 times, and I'm still absorbing much from it. He talks about how to experience your feelings without letting them take over your thoughts and actions.

I have heard the herbal product called Calm Spirit helps for anxiety.

I also like what Tony Robbins, the personal effectiveness trainer, has to say about his research on what makes therapies effective in The Edge program. He describes the different kinds of therapies in a humorous way. I thought of Gestault therapy when I read your story. It's when the therapist puts a chair in front of you and you treat the chair like it's your father and you yell and scream at the chair/father, getting it all out. Does that sound like a relief to you? Tony also explained what formula makes all therapies work, eventually, is you have to WANT IT first. Some people are just hooked by their own problems.

Hope something here was helpful.

Good luck and have fun in school!!
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It is absolutely necessary for you to seek to obtain genuinely accurate insight and understanding. Then you can travel freely anywhere and avoid being confused by the common sort of spiritual charmer.
Lin Chi (d 867)