Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Mollie · member Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

After 25 years of marriage, I finally got up the courage to divorce my N. The kids were all grown, I went back to work full time and managed to save up some money to give the lawyer a retainer and get an apartment. That was 15 months ago and it has been hell, as I'm sure you all know. Throughout the whole process, he was very unreasonable and uncooperative. Of course, it had to go to trial as he was unwilling to negotiate on even the smallest of issues. Vengeance and hatred became his main mission in life.

A court decision was handed down 3 months ago in which everything was pretty much split 50/50 - equity in the house, his retirement, my 401K, the credit card bills (even though I hadn't used them in years), and college loans for the children. I was awarded maintenance for 10 years (as he makes 3x as much as I do and I stayed home for 12-15 years to raise the kids). While he wanted child support for our youngest daughter who turns 21 in 2 months, it was denied as she lives on campus out of state.

While I thought the decision was fair, he immediately filed a Notice of Appeal to to have the decision reversed. Apparently, he doesn't want to give up any of his pension, nor pay any maintenance. I'm really not sure what he hopes to gain from this, but I've already spent close to $15,000 on this process.

In the mean time, my lawyer wants to get the divorce finalized. In NYS, there is no "irreconcilable differences". There is only abandonment, adultery or cruel and inhumane treatment. So, I had to go with cruel and inhumane. So, of course, he is contesting the divorce, saying I have no grounds.

So here's my dilemma - we didn't speak for 5 years - not even a "good morning". I found it was much easier to just live my life alone rather than try to communicate or reason or expect any kind of normal reaction from a man who was incapable of having an intimate or compassionate relationship. It was never what he did, but rather what he didn't do that drove me away. While he was always Mr. Charming in public, in private, he squirreled himself in his room when he wasn't working (he was also a workaholic). Any attempt at conversation on my part was met with silence, denial or I was chastised or corrected. So, I just gave up.

My lawyer says the fact the he is an asshole doesn't constitute grounds for divorce. But I don't know how to explain the depths of my loneliness and despair while living with him. It was like living with a man with no soul. How do I put that in a clinical, rational fashion for a judge to look at?

I apologize for the length of this post. I've never posted anything before. I am just so tired and want this whole thing over with. Thanks for listening - Mollie

cangel · member Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 328

Mollie,

First off my heart goes out to you for what you have put up with and kudos for deciding not to put up with it any more! That is the important step isn't it.

Seems to me that since you were awarded a decision by the court and a financial settlement that the Ns appeal probably cannot be to contest the divorce itself but merely the financial settlement. Appears to me that the grounds for divorce were accepted by the court so I wouldn't think you have to defend against the grounds again. You may want to clarify that point with your attorney. Also, doesn't the court review an appeal first to see if there are grounds for it before it goes to trial? Perhaps it won't move any further than that and you won't have to deal with it at all (?).

If you have to re-justify the grounds for the divorce can't you just duplicate what you originally provided - since the court accepted that the first time I wouldn't think they would have reason to reject it the second time around. Of course your attorney would know best how to craft a response.

These characters are amazing aren't they........always feel they are entitled to keep everything and always looking to have their behavior vindicated. I am sure you will be glad to see the end of this (and you are so close!).

Keep your spirits ups!
cangel