Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

I was with my now-ex with over 5 yrs. we have a 3 yr old daughter.

The whole relationship was marred from the beginning. I was inlvoe and stupid. We had a great relationship, until I got pregnant. As time went by he seemed to be getting better and be okay ith his life. He was never there though for he pregnancy and after baby was born he was gone alot.

I later found out after we started to live together that he cheated on me with basically everythign under the sun. And he denied it, until women started to tell me. Pus he admitted he had a problem cociane. These things I never knew about any of it. Needless to say I was hurt... Anyways after he was busted he said sorry once, and then went on to tell me it was my problem to get over all his cheating, and not being there. It was my responisbility to let it go for hte sake of our child-not said nicely to me at all. He never really took accountability for it. It was my fault bc I was hormonally crazy from being prego...

lately bc i will not get back together with him, he has gone on a perseonal vendetta to piss me off. Told all his friends that I am crazy, psycho, and a stalker. So now I get made fun of, and told I am crazy by people we know. I dont talk to anyone he knows btw. It sucks. I did the right by leaving, but he makes me feel crazy for doing so.

Leaving him and the emotional abuse was insane. I never knew how much he really broke me until I was out. I had no strenght and I fell apart. he kept on living his life like nothign bad happened bc of him. It was all me. everything I did or say, when we were in a realtiship was twwisted to make it look like I was crazy. A guy who takes off for 3 days straight without even calling to see if his kid is okay or even me would start to piss someone off.

Anyways lately he has been telling me he has changed and that he see sthings. But still will nver put me first. telling em he wil lstand by his buds, the same ones who mocked me and called me crazy and that I need to deal with it to be with him. I told him I am not despreate....go on and get gone.

What I am struggling with, is if it was such a bad realtionship, why amd I having such a bad time letting go? Some days are okay, but others are so painful and hard. I miss him all the time, but when he comes over and jsut sleeps on hte couch and dosent help me i am reminded that he is selfish...I wanna let go, but dont know how.

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Hi sweetie.

It's common to have problems letting go of these people.

You aren't alone.

But you CAN let go. I had mine for 8 years. Most of those years were actually incredible. But the mask started slipping and it literally took me about two years to get out. He was covert and VERY GOOD at hiding his tracks. Cocaine was involved as well - of course, I had no idea.

Anyhow, you can get away. You can do this. Please read the stories on this board - please go to the sites linked - read stories of resilience. You can absolutely get away.

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

Thank you

Man oh man....I once asked him to stop all friedship with poeple that he usedto do coke with he said okay....but I since found out that it is bigger then I oringally thought.....all of his firends do it.

I am actually going to ask that he gets just 2nd weekend vists for one night and that he gets drug tested. Seeing as he cut me off of knwoing wnaything by telling everyone that i am psyhco....I can only regualte this way...

I ma out, and intend to stay gone. today he sent me like 10 phone calls, and 5 pf them were music songs about things..." duran duran...im on the hunt now for you..." etc...not meant ot be harrasment but his way to show he cares..I guess? But I did not repond, just sent text mesagfes that I was busy and would talk to him later.

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 188

Hello, I haven't been here in awhile and am catching up the latest stories. While I was with my middle ex his friends always acted like I had a problem mentally, like I was unfriendly and treated me badly. For a long time I really thought it was me that was the problem.

After I left life got dangerous and that is when I found out they were all coke heads. That was 10 years ago and he still is involved in this world.

Anyway he told them that I was having paranoid thoughts and other mental issues and not to let me know they did coke as I was a goody two shoes and would report them. The odd and anti-social behavior I experienced around them during this time only made sense once I knew those things.

When I left him he told his drug buddies that out of revenge I was turning their names over to the police. This was not at all true. I was forced to move 1,000 miles away secretly, with my children to protect my life.

This is no longer an issue for me too many years, miles and NC took care of that but my children were around it and the people who threatened me all these years, now as adults they choose NC of these people on their own. Because of what they saw and were subjected to my children as adults are anti-drug and drink very little if at all. Again their life choices after being exposed to both worlds.

However I have been around coke and crack addicts for years and they are BAD NEWS. None of them is in their right mind as long as they do or desire to do these drugs. There can be 10,000 coke heads and one straight person and even if all the coke heads agreed I would side with the single guy standing alone. At least that person has a more sane hold on life and reality at that moment and the agenda is more honest.

This is all because your story reminded me to be careful and watch out who I trust in life as first impressions and images run deep and it is hard to let go of the original impressions. It is also to tell you that if hard drugs are involved (some do not consider coke a hard drug, especially addicts) then only your perceptions count here and nothing he or his friends say should carry any weight. You are the 1 out of the herd that is not infected so keep to yourself and stay strong in the belief that you are not alone in the world or in your pain.

Your story helped me at a time when I needed to feel connected to others who have felt my pain and confusion. Thank you for sharing, it is this kind of openness that helps me understand myself and move on. I feel very bad for your personal pain and confusion. It will get better, you are the real one here. Trust your instincts, listen to your little voice, believe in yourself.

Wendy d

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

yeah
he still thinks he is okay even though all his buddies are users and losers. No one has a relationship past a month...and these boys are in their late 20's....

No realy jobs, furtures, or ambitions...but whatever. It is hard to feel sane in a crazy world. I am nto crazy. I think I am okay. I still dela with the loss, but I will get over it..

They are all liars and coniving, and they like you down and out, so that they can attack you and keep you down. My world was os upside down at one poitn, I even had post partum and taht was enormous to deal with. and then him yelling at me to get off my ass and stop being so lazy and stop feelign sorry for myself was a lot. I was also in university with a new baby and had him barking at me I wasnt doing enough...

well I have the govt job, and the degree. He has nothing, dropped out of hight school. So I think that shows who was lazy...I think he despised me for my tenacity and strenght. The very things he should have revered in me were they same things he attcked me for not having...sorry a little of topic. Just still pissed at times that things are waht they are....

NPDS · Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 69

Hey Haulee,

Hope your getting along much better. I also have a 3 yr old with ex N... I we broke up last year, but unfortunately.. I can't go full NC due to our daughter... He does the atypical, impressive things for his OW by being ' a father' (clearly when it suits to impress so have to have some contact at least once a month).. l

Anyway, It gets easier... each day does get better, you date, you hang out with friends, it slowly gets some semblance of normality. You have times where you regress, but all in all, it won't seem like it now.. There is light.

An experience with an N is an eye opener to say the least. I wonder whether it's our expections or the investment we made with these individuals... Probably a bit of both.. likely the situation in my case..

You know it wasn't healthy, you know you weren't happy, you know they make you feel bad about yourself, but even knowing this you still hope and dream.

Have those hopes and dreams, but have them for and with someone worthy of your attention. Bringing up a toddler is hard on your own, but you'll get through it and you'll be stronger and more enriched than the hideous N that is never likely to grow up.

Life is a toughy being a single parent... especially when dealing with an Ex N... they are blood suckers..

Slowly, and it can take time, that is ok, but it will get better, you truly have to work hard at it, but that's ok too.

Am still in recovery, even with dating, having lost count of being D & D'd.. with the Ex N, amongst all the other hideous things they can do..

My little girl, well wouldn't give her up for all the tea ....

Lol hugs and speedy recovery

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Shoogie0 · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 44

That's funny...mine was into cocaine too!! Shocked

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

I jsut hada talk withy my sil. Apparently she thinks I am crazzy for giving up on him. and that my family is all in shock that we broke up. Guess he calls them once in a while to tell them he is worried about me. Nice huh??? She even told me to give him a chance and to work it out for my daughter. GEEZZZZ

My daughter is the reason I left. I am at the point where i really dont need to justify why I left ot anyone. He was there and he knows the truth...but omits the parts where he is calling me down and that I am medussa, a psycho, and a bitch all in one. he jsut calls me to freak out and tell me off....they dont hear that side.

Yeah I am sad...my sister has now offered to take my daughter for a couple of months so that I can get back on my feet. whic hI appreciate, but really??? They all think I was wrong for leaving him? Are they for real???

beenie1691 · Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 45

It must be hard when you have a tie with that person. a shared interest, your daughter. I hope you stay strong for her. you are very brave and strong. I have been NC for only 3 weeks. I never want to see him again. It would scare the s*** out of me if i had to have contact. dont worry what other people say. they are not the ones who have to have a relationship with him. Keep trusting your GUT instinct. x

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

thank you
It will be almsot a year that we have been broken up. It gets better. I feel stronger and wiser. I still have weak moments bc we havea chidl together. But I think baout how life was and what life would be liek with him I stay away. He tries, and tries...but I dotn fall easily for it.

It takes time..

tired of the pain · Joined: 12 May 2008 Posts: 22

I LIKE YOU WROTE YOU DIDNT KNOW HOW BAD HE HURT YOU UNTILL YOU WERE OUT. MY EX GIRLFRIEND REALLY HURT ME AND I DIDNT KNOW HOW BAD UNTILL I WAS OUT!! I WROTE MY STORY ON THE STORY PAGE. I WISH YOU LOVE AND PEACE

beenie1691 · Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 45

Thats so true, I didnt realise till I got out because I was so caught up in the drama and confusion. my question is where do they get their energy from ?? I could not physically keep up with all the chaos!

tired of the pain · Joined: 12 May 2008 Posts: 22

I dont know where they get that energy from. My ex girlfriend was always on the go. I could not keep up. my song to her now is "losing my religon" by r e m When i wake up in the middile of the night and in the morning i sure miss her next to me . I wish that missing her would stop..

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 50

I am not sure that missing them thing goes fast...I still have moments...and they are sad moments...and hard.

But at the end of the daywhen I look around and my house is a mess and my daughter has her pretend make up on and we are argueing about her having a bath, and then falls asleep holding my hand telling me she loves me....I think I dont wnat this to change.

When he was here he would forever be telling me I was doing everythign wrong. And there was no room for negotiation, I would get worked up start crying and talking trying to reason...and failing, and he would be running for the dorr to his buddies to get wasted....pretty sure my way of life right now is better.

count your blessing that you got out. Some women cant fight the energy, it was only when the last time we fought and i was on the ground and bawling my eyes out after I found out he cheated on me AGAIN..(but years before when i was prego fora totla of 6 that i know about...) that he came in and freaked out on me. I have no will ot live, no energy, I felt like crap. He threw a chair towards me, not at me, and it almost hit our then 2 yr old, she in turn ran to me and was trying to make me better. That was the moment I said bullcrap to this. HE could have killed her with that metal chair and I would be just as bad for letting him stay to do it....he got to hurt me, but he will not get the ability to hurt her.

He jsut sent me an email bc I told him that it would be better if he could respond to my emails more promptly so that I could get on with things, he said that he was sorry abotu things (I get these all the time...!!!) and that he could not put the effort into things becuase I get too intense. Pretty logically...peope tend to get pissed off after a while when you cheat, have addiction issues, no presents, no flowerrs....and then make them feel worthless....all I said was save the sob stories not my problem. Maybe no the best approach, but with these guys you cant be nice, or they will run you over...I never know, and knew what was real with him...not a great way to live...

tired of the pain · Joined: 12 May 2008 Posts: 22

I agree im lucky i got out in one piece with my kids. She was never wrong only i was wrong. I also to her did nothing right. Things like too many lights on , music too loud, why are you crying, just got me in trouble. She always got mad at me if i was sad and needed her to be here for me. Today was a hard day. Even though I now know her love for me was all fake I really missed her loving me today. I hope tommorrow is a better day. My kids go with thier mom tommorrow and this friday was our ALONE FRIDAY. Her kids go to her dads tommorrow too. I hope tommorrow night is not to hard on me...