Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

sorry popped back to say your not a bad person because you care
You have put up with a lot and have resentment you cant let go of.
Sorry for missing this out in my first reply

Hugs
Movedon
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zivia · member Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Hey motherless,
I'm sorry you're feeling so crazy about it--N's have a tendency to do that to us.
I had to cut my mother out of my life about 4 years ago after she pulled another crazy controlling stunt. I told her I wasn't going to allow her "nonsense" in my life anymore and I wasn't willing to have a relationship with her until she was ready to admit to all the physical/emotional/verbal abuse in my childhood (I was smacked around/humiliated daily until I was almost 18years old). She wants to sweep everything under the rug and lies when confronted about specific incidents telling everyone I'm crazy and making things up. She writes me about once year w/ some pathetic letter about how she doesn't know what she could have possibly ever done to make me hate her.

Cutting her out may or may not work for you--you have to decide, but I can tell you I don't miss her and I'm 10x happier w/o having to worry about how to avoid her wrath. I also don't feel guilty--she did this to herself and she has the power to undo it.

As far as all the other feelings go, I went to a weekend seminar called the Landmark Forum (landmarkeducation.com)--no it is not a cult!--and found much relief from the pain of my childhood. I learned that it wasn't so much what happened to me but what I had made it mean about me that was so damaging.
For example, I decided at a really young age (3?) that I really must be an absolutely horrible person who deserved everything that was happening to me since my own mother hated me so much. And so I went on to make that mean nobody could ever really get to know me or they'd know what a horrible person I was and leave. I made it mean that I didn't deserve to be happy and I stayed in abusive relationships w/ N/P's b/c I didn't really deserve anything better. I made it mean I was undeserving and worthless and had to beg for the love of others by being a doormat and be thankful for what I got. And so on and so on.
I was able to step back and realize that I'm a really great person under all that hurt and anger and that I simply got an immature mother who lives everyday in her own private narcissistic hell. It doesn't mean anything else. My self-esteem has improved greatly since the Landmark Forum and 5 of my friends have since gone and all gotten great things out of it. My romantic relationship completely transformed when I got that I wasn't going to be anybody's doormat ever again and I told my fiance I'd had enough of HIS nonsense and moved out.
Also there are some great books out there like "Toxic Parents" and "If You Had Controlling Parents" and "Becoming Real" that really gave me some relief and let me know I wasn't alone or crazy!

How bout for the New Year you invent a future free of guilt over your mother?
Hope this helps!

kazzab · member Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 19

I was and still am a toxic parent to a certain extent. My turning point was having a terrible relationship with an n for the past 5.5 years. He made me go and have my thyroid sorted out because I was too out of control for him to be able to control me. That was the beginning of the end for me in lots of things. I gained control of my head, which used to go in a hundred different directions a minute. My poor son. I still behave a bit neurotically at times. I suppose it's stuff I'm still trying to get away from, all the learned behaviours. I think a lot more now before I talk to him about things because I want him to know that his mum has changed and loves him to bits. I still make wrong moves sometimes. I hate that I do but now I'm beginning to understand how I work and make changes where necessary. Leaving my xn was the first change. I did this in a lot of ways because of my son. He has a very young, pretty girlfriend. My xn is very partial to very young girls. He is known to childrens services because a complaint was made against him by his stepdaughter (his ex-wifes girl). He denied this allegation but admitted to me that he' actually had sexual relations with her for a 4 yr period (from 11-14yrs of age). So I did the best thing for my son, knowing this information. I could not bear the idea of him making my son feel like shit or the threat that maybe he would do something to this girl.

xblackwidowx · member Joined: 13 Sep 2008 Posts: 56 Location: uk

xblackwidowx · member Joined: 13 Sep 2008 Posts: 56 Location: uk

xblackwidowx · member Joined: 13 Sep 2008 Posts: 56 Location: uk

WindSong · Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 3:46 am Post subject:

No, no, no and NO!!!!!!

It can be dangerous to ruin their happy little false selves by telling them that they are disordered! Remember- you are working against an ego bigger than the empire state building. They've worked long and hard to maintain that false self that is everything that they want to be and if you walk in and tell them they are crazy (even though it's the truth lol!) you risk crumbling the ego.

And him opening up? Bullshit. Nothing they do is without motive. He's pretending to open up and spill his guts to you because he knows that is what you are dying to hear. But they don't feel it and lie like it's the most real truthful they have ever been to you. These jag offs like to snow people. They get a kick out of fooling people and hurting them. They are real monsters.

The best thing that you can do is get out and get this man out of your life forever. Go no contact and get out of the N fog. Once you do that, you will feel better and know that this whole thing is not your fault and you did no wrong. But, knock yourself in the head over and over how many times that you need to, that this man is not normal and he's a sick and twisted pig. No Contact is the ONLY way to go!

Take care and good luck. Keep us posted.
Windy
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xblackwidowx · member Joined: 13 Sep 2008 Posts: 56 Location: uk

mysticalfrogpond · member Joined: 18 Sep 2008 Posts: 12

I ended a relationship 3 1/2 years ago with a man who had been DIAGNOSED as a sociopath with "severe NPD". Of course, I didn't find this out until I was eyeball-deep in the situation.

He was incredibly handsome, charming and articulate. I met him at a vulnerable point in my life (of course - that's what they look for) when I was dealing with a tremendous level of grief, stress and family discord. Admittedly, I was very sheltered growing up and just never developed a "radar" for spotting abusers. I was also living with an elderly family member who was also grieving and taking her anger and frustration out on me - devaluing and debasing me on a daily basis. My self-esteem was suffering tremendously.

My N was so kind and supportive at first. He said all the right things, but it didn't take long to discover that his stories just didn't add up. I learned over time that he was pretty much a con artist who'd left a trail of abuse and destruction everywhere he went. His history, when I learned of it, was abominable.

When the D&D phase began, I was bewildered. It commenced with a few occasional jabs I attributed to "crankiness." I made excuses for his behavior as it became more frequent. I told myself we just needed to "work on the relationship" and that the "honeymoon phase" was over.

Then it degenerated.

And when it did, I became the target of an unimaginable level of verbal and emotional abuse. He never hit me, but there were times (even now) when I wish he had. That would have been one act that I wouldn't have been able to rationalize away. Verbal and emotional abuse is so much more insidious - he could twist things in such a way that if he told you to do go hell, you'd have to wonder what exactly he meant by that. Fortunately, I didn't stick around for long. When I told him I didn't want contact, he called relentlessly to threaten me, emailed me and stalked me online. He even threatened to burn my house down. I started doing some digging and learned he'd been diagnosed years before. He had been, for his entire life, a low-functioning narcissist who left a trail of emotional and financial hell all over the place.

After a while, he stopped contacting me. While it was a huge relief to be away from the situation, I went through all the emotions I read about here - wondering how he could just treat me that way and get away with it.

It wouldn't be long before I learned a really important lesson about Ns: sooner or later, they hit a wall. When their looks finally start to fade and their few friends tire of hearing all of their stories over and over again, and women no longer want to feel like the caboose on their train, they hit a point where they can't concoct a big enough picture of themselves to cover their fear and insecurities. Eventually, a narcissist must face himself.

My N hanged himself one year ago.

In the end, (so I hear) he was the textbook definition of "pathetic." I went to the viewing, but only to make sure it was really him in the casket. I heard that his ashes were scattered in the ocean. I get a particular pleasure out of peeing in it every time I go to the beach. Twisted Evil

Afterward, I had a lot of introspection and rebuilding to do. I came to understand why I draw this type of personality. I'm still paying financially for that mistake, but I'm gradually getting to where I want to be. I was left with mild PTSD, but these days it just kicks in when I meet someone I sense may be an abuser, which is a good thing. I have healthy people in my life now and a future I'm looking forward to.

It gets better. Just keep breathing.
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Why do you hasten to remove anything which hurts your eye, while if something affects your soul you postpone the cure until next year? ~Horace