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Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group
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thegabrielle77
member
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 315
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 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
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kirril,
Have got to agree with Lukky on this, am actually shaking my head here at some of your posts.
Some of the stuff you say actually makes it look like you are stalking this guy. Did you know that he could actually get the police after you? Are you willing to go to jail for this guy?
And in some ways the way I read your posts you seem to be looking at the forum to tell you it is ok, to chase after this guy...
WE WILL NOT DO THAT...OUR FORUM IS ALL ABOUT NC
Have to ask...have you ever wondered why you can't let this guy go? Do you realize this is not healthy? Do you know this is not really love? ever heard this:
| Quote: | | If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. |
Are you seeing a counselor/therepist? If you are not would suggest going to see a professionals, are better equipped to assit us.
Hugs
Gabs
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doctor
member
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 10:54 am Post subject: |
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Last reply:don't you want understand that his behaviour is not caused by you. Whatever you do,he will go on to repulse you.
WHY,I'M INNOCENT!? you will surely say. BECAUSE HE IS ,,A DISTURBED PERSON,WITH PERSONALITY DISORDER: He is a narcissist!
Wish the best
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louxloux
member
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1594
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | | NancyCT wrote: | | kirril wrote: | | I think if he... then I will |
And therein lies the problem. If he will - then I will. Decide what YOU want to do, and make sure that it in no way depends on what he does or does not do. That's the only possible way to detach. |
I will really think about this. You guys' words shine a light on me.
I will try my best to detach. You know, I just feel if the relaitonship came to a closure because of a fight might might be caused by me, I will regret for the rest of my life.
I talked to my mom last night about this, and I suddenly saw the source of guilt might be my mom. She told me that I had problem with relationships because I was selfish, but she still wanted me to leave the guy because the relationship has been ruined by both of us. I bursted into tears, because I didn't think I was selfish.
She said, I only think about how much love he should give me in return and didn't give him freedom, and she said that I was smothering him with attention. For every of my failure in relationship, she blamed on me. But then she said that I should leave the guy because of the foul language he used against me. I was crying because she was confusing me. I feel she was telling me that I did something wrong but didn't need to mend it because the guy has striked back........ |
Kirril,
I think you might benefit from reading on the N Parents forum too. My Mom use to tell me almost the same type of stuff - verbatum. Those type of messages over a lifetime really wear down your self esteem hun. Not empowering at all and puts you in perpetual victim role. I know many have suggested counseling, myself included... but I am going to suggest it again. Because the reason you are chosing abusive men is because you are attracted to what you know! That's right... your Mom is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing you when she says those types of things. Not healthy communication; not a healthy relationship. You allow people to talk to you like trash and treat you like trash b/c you have no boundaries - a common side effect of being raised hearing that type of toxic stuff. Get to the root of the problem, start tearing down all that negative, self-depreciating JUNK you've been fed.
She is reinforcing to you that you carry all the blame and burdon for making the relationship work. Some people are just PIGS and can't have healthy relationships. Disordered men or women are horrible, evil pigs sweetie.
I also agree with Lukky and Gabs re: seeking after this guy. Anxiety is a side effect of these types of relationships. Many of us here demonstrated some OCD symptoms post-N... You are too, right now. You are obsessing... and I bet you are compulsively attempting to make contact with him in any way possible thinking if he would only say what you WANT him to say, then you would feel better... YOU WON'T. Not if it still ends with his not wanting to be in a relationship with you. Besides that, N's never admit wrong doing... continued contact with him is only allowing him to D&D you over, and over, and over, and over. You have already seen that outcome; you know the results.... so now you are a willing participant in your own abuse! You are an emotional punching bag volunteer! Saying 'stop it' is very easy, but doing it is hard - VERY hard. You need help in order to learn, start and maintain healthy boundaries. A good counselor will help you tremendously in that regard.
Please do seek counseling Kirril. All of us here have been right where you are and are sharing our experience with dealing with all the distorted thoughts and emotions. We've walked that path, hun - and we are telling you what works and what does not work.
Lots of luv,
loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.
~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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I think you guys' words finally worked. I suddenly could let go now.
I was hypnotized by him and couldn't see things clearly, it has taken quite a few shakes from you guys to wake me up. I finally killed the emotion that was choking me. Thank you!
But I have to say that I am the type of person who is extremely reluctant to give up on a relationship.
I really didn't know things would end up like this.
When I just met him, he was extremely humble, considerate and extremely insecure. He was so grateful that I entered his life. He is a nerd, who stays home all day. He even broke into tears when I showed him a bit of love, so I thought, "wow, he must have been very lonely and needs love so badly." When my friends told me how unattractive and weird he is, my compasion grew greater.
When I gave him more love and reassurance, he started to see himself as god. If I disagreed with him, he would get angry, so I just tried to comply wtih him to avoid conflict. Maybe it was my fault; I have become too careful, too afraid of hurting his pride. I didn't know doing so would be destructive to the relationship. He has become overconfident and couldn't tolerate anything less than his expectation. So when he sensed a little bit of doubt from me just in a few words, he raged and discarded me. Maybe he will go look for someone who has absolute no opinion.
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samvaknin
Site Admin
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 2444
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:57 am Post subject: |
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I feel so hurt today.
I know in normal circumstances, a couple would hate each other if they break up under hostile condition, but I really don't want him to think of me in this way......
Last edited by kirril on Wed May 21, 2008 6:21 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Rachelle
member
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 635
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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kirril, I don't understand why you are checking up on him online.
You need to leave him alone before you get into trouble with the authorities.
You can't control the way he thinks of you, so why expend your energy doing so?
I think you should go back and reread what The Gabrielle wrote - Have to ask...have you ever wondered why you can't let this guy go? Do you realize this is not healthy? Do you know this is not really love?
Not to be eman, but you need to stop playing games with him, and work on yourself as that is really the only thing you have any true control over.
_________________
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
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nemesis
member
Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 532
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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No it is not love, I agree, Rachelle, I think it is anger. At least I know with me it was anger disguised as love.
I held on and held on and held on, to something I did not even love. I thought I did but it was something else, refusal to accept rejection, refusal to accept D&D etc.
When my anger got high enough that I could see real trouble ahead I pulled out... it wasn't worth it... but I can understand this response. I felt it too in the beginning.
I also advise you, Kirril, to forget checking on him (all it will ever do is hurt you) this may be obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviour on your part,...it was on mine... relaxation, meditation and the vitamin Inositol helped me to break it.
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: |
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| Do normal people just let go like that if they get dumped? Is thinking about why I get dumped is a sign of sickness?
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thegabrielle77
member
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 315
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: |
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kirril,
| Quote: | | Do normal people just let go like that if they get dumped? Is thinking about why I get dumped is a sign of sickness? |
Hey sweetie,
Am not a professional, that is why we have sugggested seeing a professional. So many times after being in an abusive relationship victims discover that there are reasons that they have been in relationships with abusers.
Think Loux, kinda touched on this in her post a little to you. Often times, victims find out that they were drawn to abusers because of issues that stem from their Family Of Origin (FOO) i.e. your mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandmother etc.
Do you find that you are drawn to relationships that feel like your relationship with your parents? Sounds like your mother is a little critical of you? Again, not diagnosing here...maybe you are having issues letting go of this guy because of your fear of abandonment.
These are things that a professional can assist you with....often times fear of abandonment is why people hang onto to toxic relationships.
Hugs
Gabs
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Milo
member
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 823
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | I think you guys' words finally worked. I suddenly could let go now.
I was hypnotized by him and couldn't see things clearly, it has taken quite a few shakes from you guys to wake me up. I finally killed the emotion that was choking me. Thank you!
But I have to say that I am the type of person who is extremely reluctant to give up on a relationship.
I really didn't know things would end up like this.
When I just met him, he was extremely humble, considerate and extremely insecure. He was so grateful that I entered his life. He is a nerd, who stays home all day. He even broke into tears when I showed him a bit of love, so I thought, "wow, he must have been very lonely and needs love so badly." When my friends told me how unattractive and weird he is, my compasion grew greater.
When I gave him more love and reassurance, he started to see himself as god. If I disagreed with him, he would get angry, so I just tried to comply wtih him to avoid conflict. Maybe it was my fault; I have become too careful, too afraid of hurting his pride. I didn't know doing so would be destructive to the relationship. He has become overconfident and couldn't tolerate anything less than his expectation. So when he sensed a little bit of doubt from me just in a few words, he raged and discarded me. Maybe he will go look for someone who has absolute no opinion. |
Kirril,
Above quote is what you said a a day or so ago. You HAVEN'T let go of the 'drama' yet.
Sometimes we offer 'tough love' here Kirril, but with good reason.
It's seems to me you dont like the responses given and/or unwilling to genuinely acknowledge the validity of the info provided. You seem to be still be very much in denial.
We are not talking about 'normal' ppl Kirril.
The relationship IS OVER! He made that clear for whatever reason. You can look him up on net till the cows come home hun and get upset about what you find, but WHAT'S THE POINT?
If you don't want to think of him with hostility, good for you but leave it at that. If you still endeavour to contact him now after he's made it so clear he's 'done', that may well be considered harrassment or stalking.
If you aren't receiving professional counselling, sounds to me hun time to seriously consider doing so. Many of us here, including myself, have sought professional help. The forum is great, understanding, supportive, enlightening but ultimately cannot always cater to all our psychological needs. Please do yourself a favour and seriously consider this option.
best wishes, M
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disengaging
member
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 1341
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 11:46 am Post subject: |
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Kirril,
For your sake, please stop checking up on him on-line. Even if you have a "myspace" or "facebook" page, it's a relatively simple matter to put a tracker on your page to find out who's visited it, and then "ping" their IP to find out what other websites and pages they've been visiting. In short, by doing so, you could enable him to track you HERE!
There's nothing for you to gain by doing so. You're engaging in a form of self-torture that will only draw out your pain and lengthen your recovery time. No Contact means no contact "by proxy" either.
Many hugs!
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