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Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group
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knoxy
Moderator
Joined: 24 Jul 2007
Posts: 1112
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 3:09 pm Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | hmmmm......thanks for the replies. One day I feel ok, but the next day I feel extremely hurt. I remember he told me how a girl has degraded him by being indifferent to him and he got angry and started devalued her. He said the best way to torture her is by ignoring her but talking to her once in a long while.
I really don't want to be devalued by him.........just before that fight, he would call me whenever he felt nervous or when he needed to tell me about his anxiety. But now the switch just flipped. Just because I said he probably tried to avoid talking to me by saying he was not feeling well, he felt degraded or doubted and got totally angry.........Maybe he really didn't feel well and tried to get some understanding from me, but I doubted about him.
How come I can't get out of this guilt or ruining the relationship. Some people said he just tried to find an excuse to leave me. Some people said he really felt degraded by me. I just can't forgive myself if he really felt degraded by me.................
If he forgives me, I will keep the distance he wants. But I just don't want him to feel degraded, you know....... |
Your post breaks my heart.
You didn't ruin the relationship, sweetie. He is mentally ill.
Your crime at this point is codependency. You are thinking you can change him - you can fix him - you can be his "rock" - but the reality is, he's beyond repair if he's an N.
This isn't about him forgiving you. It's about you forgiving yourself and looking inward to find out why you are attracted to a man who you think you need to save.
Therapy will help you. At the very least, perhaps a CODA meeting. Please get help.
xoxo
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doctor
member
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject: |
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Dear Kirril,unfortunately is typical,one day to feel better and the next one to feel inconsolable.
These situations with their obscure and unintelligible dynamics are the
most difficult and hardest to recover from,bacause ,as many of us did(I think),you go on thinking of him,as a normal person.But the narcissists,ARE NOT NORMAL PERSONS,they have a true personality disorder which doesn't allow them to behave healthy.
It's useless to go on asking questions and supposing different scenarios:they are ill and nobody will ever be able to understand their
twisted and contradictory minds.
But above all,don't feel guilty,it's not you responsible for having devalued him.Don't cry kirr!!,please
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you guys for the warth given here when I am in a devastated state.
I don't know why I am attracted to him. In the beginning, maybe I was attracted to his extreme thoughtfulness and softness, although a bit insecure and nerdy, but I thought he is perfect for someone insecure like me. And then he changed, maybe he has sensed my weakness and started to resend my weakness or something.
He finally showed up online after I texted him twice today. He said he came online just to tell me that he was happier wihtout me and asked me to stop texting him. He still sounded very sour. When I said I am sorry for having doubted about him, he said he started to feel furious again by listening to this.
I know I probably sound like I have no backbone, but I really can't help myself........When I told him that he has hurt me, too, he got angry again because I have accused him, he said.
I think if he really makes peace with me this time, then I will stop feeling guilty.......And then I will stop myself from getting emotionally close to him again to avoid any conflict. Would that work?
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nolongertrusting
member
Joined: 25 Feb 2007
Posts: 277
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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kirril
STOP, STOP, STOP, YOU ARE TRYING TO DEAL WITH SOME WHO IS DISORDERED!!!!
GUILT!!! Just why would you feel guilty? You are asking us to help you figure out a way to stay in his life.
None of us will do that. You can't!!! You are dealing with someone who has the mantality of a two year old. Think about it, he's like a child, throwing a fit because you questioned him. Let it go!!!
Why would want to make peace, why do you exptect him make peace with you? Don't waste your time.
You are desparate trying to keep him around. I know that feeling, I was married to one of those. It doesn't work. Do what to can to accept that and move on the best you can.
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knoxy
Moderator
Joined: 24 Jul 2007
Posts: 1112
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | Thank you guys for the warth given here when I am in a devastated state.
I don't know why I am attracted to him. In the beginning, maybe I was attracted to his extreme thoughtfulness and softness, although a bit insecure and nerdy, but I thought he is perfect for someone insecure like me. And then he changed, maybe he has sensed my weakness and started to resend my weakness or something.
He finally showed up online after I texted him twice today. He said he came online just to tell me that he was happier wihtout me and asked me to stop texting him. He still sounded very sour. When I said I am sorry for having doubted about him, he said he started to feel furious again by listening to this.
I know I probably sound like I have no backbone, but I really can't help myself........When I told him that he has hurt me, too, he got angry again because I have accused him, he said.
I think if he really makes peace with me this time, then I will stop feeling guilty.......And then I will stop myself from getting emotionally close to him again to avoid any conflict. Would that work? |
No.
It never works when you are giving all of your power to another person.
Ever.
You can help yourself. It is a choice. Feeling guilty is a choice too. So is giving your power away to someone who doesn't deserve it.
All choices.
The question is, why are you choosing the alternative?
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NancyCT
member
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 1402
Location: Connecticut, USA
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | | I think if he... then I will |
And therein lies the problem. If he will - then I will. Decide what YOU want to do, and make sure that it in no way depends on what he does or does not do. That's the only possible way to detach.
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cangel
member
Joined: 24 Feb 2007
Posts: 328
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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kirril,
You are getting some excellent advice here from some very experienced people - I hope you are reading what they are writing not just hearing what you want.
I spent a good 5 years doing what you are trying to do to keep an N in my life - exhausted myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and economically. I finally came out of the fog - took a look at who I had become and decided it was enough. I lost all of me in the relationship - it has taken me close to 2 years to get my strength and sense of self restored. PLEASE don't waste another moment or any more energy on this man kirril.........let him go........he is ill and there is no cure. That is sad but there is nothing you can do - Trust me, there is nothing you can do to make it better or work with him. Nothing!! Stop now.....and start taking care of just you.
love.....cangel
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louxloux
member
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1594
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| kirril wrote: | Thank you guys for the warth given here when I am in a devastated state.
I don't know why I am attracted to him. In the beginning, maybe I was attracted to his extreme thoughtfulness and softness, although a bit insecure and nerdy, but I thought he is perfect for someone insecure like me. And then he changed, maybe he has sensed my weakness and started to resend my weakness or something.
He finally showed up online after I texted him twice today. He said he came online just to tell me that he was happier wihtout me and asked me to stop texting him. He still sounded very sour. When I said I am sorry for having doubted about him, he said he started to feel furious again by listening to this.
I know I probably sound like I have no backbone, but I really can't help myself........When I told him that he has hurt me, too, he got angry again because I have accused him, he said.
I think if he really makes peace with me this time, then I will stop feeling guilty.......And then I will stop myself from getting emotionally close to him again to avoid any conflict. Would that work? |
What advice would you give your sister, best friend, daughter or niece if they were in your shoes???
You're not going to get closure from him. You have to give it to yourself.
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.
~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
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Milo
member
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 823
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:10 am Post subject: |
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Kirril,
Not it won't work!
He's already given you the message (loud and clear from what you posted) that he doesn't want to talk about things or to you anymore.
You say," If he really makes peace with me this time, I'll stop feeling guilty...... And then I'll stop myself from getting close to him again to avoid any conflict."
Oh hun, this a very disturbing statement! It also raises numerous questions:
* What are you really 'feeling guilty' about?
* Why do you feel need for him to 'make peace' with you?
* How would this stop you from 'getting close to him again'?
* Has it occurred to you that no more contact probably best way of avoiding any further conflict?
Sorry to sound harsh Kirril, but currently it appears to be you 'perpetuating the drama' so to speak.
If he's a true N there will never be any satisfactory closure or resolution. Please hun put this down to a sad learning experience now and do yourself a favour and stop all contact with him forthwith!
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:51 am Post subject: |
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| NancyCT wrote: | | kirril wrote: | | I think if he... then I will |
And therein lies the problem. If he will - then I will. Decide what YOU want to do, and make sure that it in no way depends on what he does or does not do. That's the only possible way to detach. |
I will really think about this. You guys' words shine a light on me.
I will try my best to detach. You know, I just feel if the relaitonship came to a closure because of a fight might might be caused by me, I will regret for the rest of my life.
I talked to my mom last night about this, and I suddenly saw the source of guilt might be my mom. She told me that I had problem with relationships because I was selfish, but she still wanted me to leave the guy because the relationship has been ruined by both of us. I bursted into tears, because I didn't think I was selfish.
She said, I only think about how much love he should give me in return and didn't give him freedom, and she said that I was smothering him with attention. For every of my failure in relationship, she blamed on me. But then she said that I should leave the guy because of the foul language he used against me. I was crying because she was confusing me. I feel she was telling me that I did something wrong but didn't need to mend it because the guy has striked back........
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Lukky
Site Admin
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 2563
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:55 am Post subject: |
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Hey Kirril
I have been watching this thread and I am going to ask you something ok??
Are you reading all the answers that members here are posting to you Hon?? I know this isn't easy stuff you are going through but I can tell you now that what these guys are saying to you is right on the Ball ok??
You seriously concern me with the things you saying here and I would love to think you are taking what is said on board??
This guy sounds evil and the only way you are ever going to get some closure and healing from him is to STOP worrying about what he is doing and start worrying about YOU!!!
No Contact will be your saving grace Kirril and give you back your strength and power!! Is that what you want?? Or do you want to carry on this 'Danse' and remain a victim??
He seems to have made it loud and clear he wants no contact from you?? Consider yourself very very lucky ok??
Take Care
Lukky
_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'
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Milo
member
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 823
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:10 am Post subject: |
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Kirril,
How old are you hun?
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doctor
member
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:57 am Post subject: |
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Hi Kirril,stop struggling,today,almost try!
listen to Milo:"with a N there will never be any satisfactory closure or resolution".
With a N it's impossible to talk as equals,you can't be recognised on the right side from a man who thinks of himself as God,moreover in every relationship may happen a fight. While in a normal relationship ,it,s possibile discuss ,then clarify,with a N this it is denied,because your criticism
is unbeareable and brings the breaking off.
Reflect that nobody who is really in love with you,after a fight,reacts only with rage,in a sadical way,without any loving care or regret for you ONLY
SHOWING A COLD DETACH
THIS IS THEIR BEHAVIOUR:EVEN WHEN CAUGHT (INFIDELITY),IT'SYOUR
FAULT.
As all of us told you before ,it's a long,very painful way to accept that to have a halthy relationship with a N it's an impossible dream.
Talk about it only with persons who,unfortunately experienced ,coud give you the best advices.
,STOP,STOP KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH HIM,IF YOU WANT TO AVOID FURTHER FRUSTRATION.
Wishes
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kirril
member
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:59 am Post subject: |
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I am 24.
I have really taken everything you guys said into heart, but you know sometimes I can't stop this stubbron emotion.
I can't understand why he doesn't want to have anything to do with me when I have been so good to him.
why was he angry? Was he hurt? Did he feel he has lost the freedom?
I have never met anyone like this!!
I sent him a link of personality test just for fun. And then he blocked me again on msn. Why? Was he offended again? When I blocked me, I felt a heavy rock on top my me......so strange.....
I know what you guys meant when you said I should leave him. But you know I don't want him to hold grudge on me just because of the little thing I said..........
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Lukky
Site Admin
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 2563
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:18 am Post subject: |
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Kirril
Enough now!! This is getting silly!!!
This thread has been going on for days and despite everyones efforts to put you in the loop as to what you are dealing with we are still seeing the same stuff getting posted by you!!??
This site strongly advocates NC!! We will not continue to answer the same questions. It is unfair to the members here to keep having to repeatedly answer them??
Do you want back control of your life????? Its either yes or no?? If its YES then we will help you and support you in doing that ?? If its No and you still want to play with him then Hon this Forum isnt for you I dont think....
Forgive my bluntness but I am seeing everyone here really coming out to help you and you still wanting to play games with him???
Food for thought??
Take Care
Lukky
_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'
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