Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

TruthSeeker2 · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 32 Location: New York State

Hi, Everyone, Smile

I'm a newbie, so please be patient with me as I learn the ropes of this forum. I'm here because I have a NMother who's 88 and is worse than ever. Last year, Running2StandStill asked about those who grew up lacking the life skills to negotiate adult life when they first started out. Well, I would have to say I sure did, so Running is far from alone. From what I've read on that topic, so did a lot of you. I'm 61 now and certainly am not the same person I was when I was 18. Got a lot of life skills now, that's for sure, and I had to learn them on my own.

When one has an NM or both parents are N's, the prime directive in the unfortunate child's life is to escape as fast as possible. Rather than be able to plot my life out with more time, sense and care the way one would be able to do in a normal situation, I was driven by desperation and need. I met my first husband age 17 and married him after my second years in college. He wasn't an N but was a Momma's Boy. Marriage lasted five years after 2 suicide attempts and hospitalizations whereupon he went home to Momma. He's still there to this day. Nonetheless, I did learn how to cook, be an immaculate housekeeper, go shopping myself, do laundry and all other necessary things. What I had trouble with was dealing with people since I had a lot of fear. But I started to learn during that marriage. I quit college because I kept getting seriously ill and eventually had an adult tonsillectomy. It was during this marriage that my health started to decline from the terrible stress and unhappiness. Developed allergies and asthma and started to gain weight. It was during my first marriage I saw my first psychologist/therapist.

After the first marriage ended, I was already dating my second husband when I had to go back to the parental home since I did not have the life skills to be self-supporting - and I still don't. I got a certificate from secretarial school during my first marriage and a certificate from medical assistant school but could never hold down a job for very long since I was so fearful and couldn't take the pressure of the workplace. I was looking for love and security in marriage, a safe place to land. Again, my prime directive was to escape my NM via another marriage. That marriage lasted ten years. I can't say for sure whether or not he was a N but he was a bully who was verbally and psychologically abusive to me. He had to have a submissive wife, which I was not - which he does presently have in an obsessive-compulsive woman who has to have her hair cut everyday. She's skinny and she has the same first name I do. He was also a cheater. My health declined precipitously in those ten years. By the time he was done with me, I had 2 thyroid cancer operations, undiagnosed depression and diabetes. I also had a lot of "female" problems which eventually lead to having a hysterectomy (3rd marriage). I was not well and certainly couldn't function very well, but I fought on. As for survival skills, I didn't pay the bills in either marriage, but I learned how to do everything else well until I gave up when I knew my days with Ex #2 were numbered. It was during this second marriage I became a born-again Christian.

When my second ex literally threw me out of the house, I went to live with a church friend for seven months. During that time I had a temporary job with the county on the old CETA program. Many of you here might be too young to remember that old program since it was phased out so many years ago. My NM could have forced me to come back, but by an intervention from the Lord to whom I prayed, she didn't. Rather, she said it was time for me to strike out on my own and paid the rent for me both at my friend's (she's one of my two closest friends to this day) house. Then when I moved out and got my own studio apartment, she paid the rent there, too. This had to be God because this is how my present and wonderful husband came into my life 25 years ago! There's so much to the story I can't possibly relate here. When I was in that little apartment, I wasn't happy but I was at peace, no more being abused. I learned I could live alone if I had to. I went everywhere by myself and with the Lord. There were times His presence was so strong other people would ask me if I was a Christian. I wasn't ever alone. I was with and still am with Jesus.

But Jesus gave me my husband in Him to love, cover, protect and see me through this life. I've finally found my safe place to land. My husband and I had to learn a lot of life skills together over the years of financial and health problems, and we certainly have. There's very little now we can't handle - except for my elderly NM who is presenting us with traumatic situations. Too long a story for here, but suffice to say she is so crazy now that I'm going to be "committing" her into a hospital with a psychiatric facility on Monday where she can be housed, get the care she needs where she'll be manageable and be out of our lives until she dies. Have already arranged it with a psychiatrist. Will also get guardianship and power-of-attorney over all she owns, her assets and her care so she's stripped of the power she's always clubbed me with. I've gone through so much training for life skills as an adult learning it the hard way, because NM and my father brought me up for a live of luxury with a rich husband I never was destined to marry. I was a delicate, very pretty and naive young girl who is now a strong, battled-hardened veteran of life but with a heart transformed by God that may be damaged, broken and crushed by NM but not destroyed. A strength I never knew I had is there now and so is the assertiveness. I had all my old health problems and new ones that developed taken care of properly, too, so I'm feeling really good now and have much more energy than I used to. Except for NM, my life is good.

It was during the time we were on Welfare in the mid-1990's that I saw a therapist who, while she didn't hone in on NPD, gave me a much improved sense of my own worth which helped me to function much better and even battle more successful against the buffeting of NM. But it was only about a month ago the missing pieces of the NM puzzle were finally put together. I'm in the process of finding a counselor who deals in this area and who can help me cope and heal from NM. That's the final leg of my life's quest to become all God meant me to be when He created me. NM never knew what to do with me except take care of me physically while totally annihilating my soul and spirit.

I see in a lot of the stories I've read on this topic that a lot of you younger people have already grown a great deal. You're valiant and courageous. Don't ever let your N's tell you otherwise. I only just found out the truth about my NM after a lifetime of searching, and that truth is worse than I ever could have imagined. She's a monster and she's too far gone. I don't expect her to change because she doesn't want to, can't be talked to, won't listen, blames everyone else and has no concept or capability of understanding. But my husband and I will continue to learn, grow in knowledge and understanding and be winners in life. And when NM dies, I will finally be totally free. There are still some life skills I have to learn during this last phase of NM's life once I get the power-of-attorney, and that is how to handle her money before I get it via inheritance, should there be anything left by then. Life is boot camp for eternity, folks, so learn your lessons well. Wink

cnh128 · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

I didn't know how to cook (I still don't, so thank god for my husband).

I also didn't know how to use makeup or style my hair. My mother never showed me how to do anything that was what you consider as traditionally feminine. There was no cute mother-daughter dressup happening at home. I owe what little I do know to a few close girlfriends.

TruthSeeker2 · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 32 Location: New York State

Hi, Everyone,

I don't know if Running2StandStill is still posting here, since his postings are from last year. Isn't Asperger's Syndrome a mild form of autism? My Lord, man, you must be some kind of overcomer to have an NM and a handicap as strikes against you from the very inception and conception of your life! I can only imagine your suffering AND your triumph. What led to your Asperger's diagnosis? Were you on a lifetime search knowing something was wrong and could never get a handle on what it was until relatively recently? Life is like that for a lot of us. It's a process, a journey, years of suffering and plodding along. Each new revelation means a new kind of growth and an opportunity to overcome even more. It also means finding a resolution at last to the problem, because now it can be dealt with. More power to you, Running, and to all here who are "in the process" and finding out new things all the time.

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 384

My Nmother always made me feel like the bad one. As a teenager had to make sure dinner was on the table, my mother was a single working mother so had to come home from school and cook dinner.

Well it never failed that I always did something wrong when it came to dinner, did not pick the right vegatable, I was going to burn the food etc. In fact she even told me to get the heck out of her kitchen, she would do it right that I always did things half a$$.

And wonder why I do not like to cook now...bingo...dearest Nmother....LOL
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TruthSeeker2 · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 32 Location: New York State

Hello, thegabrielle77,

Life with NM's is like riding a roller coaster of emotions and never knowing what to expect next from them (the "nice" NM or the abusive one). Hence, you're always on red alert (stressed). Life with NM's is a high wire act of having to walk across that tiny space with no safety net below. If you fall off, you're dead or maimed for life. Life with NM's is a cycle of having to dodge bullets and spears aimed at you (traps and abuse) and having to jump through those fiery hopes (never being good enough, never being able to please them no matter what you do). Life with NM's is a war zone and you're always the casualty. Life with NM's means you'll never win, so stop trying to.

Dislike by association: It's aversion conditioning, so reprogram yourself now that you're an adult and can. Because of what NM abused you over - cooking, in the example you gave - you still don't like to cook because you always associate/connect it with memories of HER and what she did to you over it. You actually can win here by saying "The Hell with her! I'm on my own now. Cooking is necessary, therapeutic and fun. I'm going to do it with gusto, overcome that negative association, and enjoy it in spite of HER. I won't let NM rob me of the JOY of cooking, anymore!" That's the warrior's attitude. Try it even if it's difficult at first. And when you start enjoying your own food and seeing others enjoy what you make, it's VICTORY!!! Very Happy

BTW, who's the darkly handsome guy in the photo you posted? Love the graphic art of the Himalayan cat with the blinking eyes you posted. My husband and I have two Himmies - Rainbow Sherbet, flame point male, age 3 months and Sunshine, female blue/cream tortie point calico, age 3 years. They're little sweethearts and are best buds (love each other). We used to have a seal-point neutered male, our first Rainbow, who died just before Christmas 2007 at age 14 years, 8 months.

To all: Fill your lives with everyone and everything you love and that makes you happy. Laughing

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 384

TruthSeeker2,

Thank you for your post. Have been NC with my NM for about 3 months now. After going through everything last year with my STBXNH and realizing that he was an N, had this lightbulb moment, realized that I married my NM.

It was when I starting reading the books Narcisstic Lovers and Toxic Parents that I had the lightbulb moment ! Started therepy as soon as the crap hit the fan with my STBXNH, was working on my issues with my FOO, LOL is a lot but thought it was just the abuse I had taken from my father and step father that was the root cause. The rollercoaster rides is what I am used to, it is familar, always new the abuse my mother shoveled out was wrong but the cycle of abuse was all I knew. It took my STBXNH and the experience with him for me to realize my NM is toxic for me.

Am now working my issues in regards to my NM, there is a lot of anger there towards my NM and I am at the point right now that I am very unsure if I ever want her in my life again, know that I can never win with her.

Am taking a different approach in life right now, am doing everything I am scared of or was scared of doing. Just as you suggested taking cooking as a new adventure...LOL a couple weeks ago I made myself spaghetti. Spaghetti, has always been the one thing I loved that my NM cooked, Well I made it and it was damn good! I do take that as a victory...in fact plan on making spaghetti again tonight and soon will venture out into making all types of stuff.

The picture that you ask about my avator....that is Rick Springfield,singer and actor, that is an older picture of him...here is a new picture...Rick Springfield is my crush...he has been since I was about 8 yrs old....

The graphic art of the Himalayan cat with the blinking eyes, that was designed by Movedon one of the managers here on the forum. AWW Rainbow Sherbet and Sunshine what beautiful names, I love cats. My cats name is Lady Di and she is my best friend, got her shortly after I left my STBXNH and she has been there for me ever since. LOL, she is more of a puppy then a cat, she plays hide and seek, fetches, comes when I call her, she rocks!

hugs to you

Am sorry about Rainbow, our pets they do becoming a part of our family, they give us unconditional love.

Hugs
Gabs
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TruthSeeker2 · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 32 Location: New York State

Hi, theGabrielle77,

Good for you with your recent forays into the world of cooking! Spaghetti's a good start. What other things that have scared you are you doing now besides cooking?

Need a little help here understanding some of the e-mail abbreviations you used. What does STBXNH stand for? The NH is probably Narcissistic Husband, but don't know what the rest of it means. Also, FOO . . .

Thanks for your info about your cat, Rick Springfield, the Movedon Himalayan cat graphic, etc.

Later today(Monday), we have to go up to NM's house to meet the psychiatrist and his crisis center team who will have an ambulance ready to cart NM off to one of two hospitals in the general area for a psych evaluation and other care for her since she's no longer competent to care for herself. Much as I don't want to be there, I have to be in order to sign her over and give them any other info they may need. She has sabotaged every effort to get her the help she needs, so it's off to the nursing home for her, and I hope it's for good until she dies. What a surprise that will be when we all turn up to have her removed from her home. She will be locked safely away where she can't harm herself or anyone else, anymore. This has all been arranged by Adult Protective Services and a psychiatrist who called NM and tried to arrange to see her. She can't go back home, because all she'll do is more of the same - call the police over nothing, abuse the aides, refuse their care, call and abuse me, etc. Getting her put away will be the beginning of my husband's and my freedom from her bondage. When the incompetency legal stuff starts, there are certain stipulations I hope to be able to get, one of them being that she can't call and harass me, anymore.

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 384

TruthSeeker2

FOO= Family Of Origin i.e your mother, father, sister, brother's, grandmother etc

STBXNH=Soon To Be X Narcisstic Husband

Was scared of anything and everything in life, the cycle of abuse does that to you, makes you feel like you are the bad one and you can't do anything right.

But have changed that now, doing everything I was scared of, if something comes up and I am scared I face it.

Sorry to here that you are going through all of this with your NM, but again you and your husband will be free! Hope once you get all this taken care of your NM doesn't harrass you.

Hugs
Gabs
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TruthSeeker2 · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 32 Location: New York State

Hi, thegabrielle77,

Thanks for telling me what the abbreviations mean. As for what happened on Monday night with the crisis team - nothing happened. It's a long story, but suffice to say the mission was blessedly aborted. If it hadn't been, we could have suffered some dire and unforeseen consequences. NM is still at home with aides, still giving them hell. Was just told the social worker paid an unannounced visit this morning. My husband keeps in touch with one special aide who has worked for NM for nine years as a maid, only recently now as an aide, so we know what's happening. We were a bit premature but if the social worker shows up one day when there's a gap in the aide coverage and NM acts up, then it's off to the hospital for her, like it or not, and take it from there.

Am so glad you're getting your STBXNH out of your life, meaning, I suppose, you'll be divorcing him. That's very courageous and admirable, because not all women can muster it up to do that. There are also those who don't have the financial means and independence to leave. I know of such cases, and these marriages to NH's can mean a lifetime of abuse for such women. I hope you'll be a lot more discerning next time in your choice of a husband. Give the relationship time and every chance possible to see how he behaves and reacts in all situations. If you see a red flag, heed it and run. You already know this type never changes. You're a little older and a lot wiser now. This is another life skill you've learned. God bless you and guide you in building the kind of constructive life you need and want in order to be happy. Wink