Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

louxloux · member Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1594

Just read this bit in a book... made so much sense, I had to post it here:

"You don't learn how to ride a bike by reading about it, talking about it, or thinking about it... You learn to ride a bike by DOING it. And if you fall off, that doesn't mean you should never ride a bike again. Just means you need more 'practice' before getting it right".

Wow! I mean... WOW! Think about that. When you come out of a failed relationship (especially one where manipulation and deception were involved) = YOU DID NOT FAIL. Does not mean you should not continue to want and/or seek a healthy relationship! And just because the first, or second, or even a third r/s after that doesn't work out - don't mean you're 'damaged goods'. It means you are LEARNING. Learning more about yourself; your likes vs. dislikes; the type of person you want to ALLOW into your life; the type of behavior you will or will not accept!

Sometimes, you have to fall before you get it right. Thinking about it won't get you there... You have to DO. Take a risk... put yourself out there and learn something from each and every experience.

love yas,

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

sm33 · member Joined: 13 Mar 2007 Posts: 345

loux thanks so much for that i needed that . hope your doing well

love sm

stillsmiling · member Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 13

thank you, thank you , thank you!!! I was feeling like... if I was even thinking of new r/s somehow that made me bad....I wouldnt even entertain the thought, although I have had many instances where I probably should have explored the option and had "A learning experiance" So once again thank you.....

freenhealing · member Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 57

I've recently started dating. A weird thing has happened on two dates (blind dates--first and last on both of them--not for me). I ended up connecting with someone ELSE other than the person I was on the date with! Weird! That has never happened to me before...and twice in a row. It was just showing me, I think, that if I take the risk to "get out there" ya never know how you're gonna meet someone.

It's also interesting how the glaring "N" traits slap you in the face when you're fresh off the truck with one. And how the "nice" (maybe a bit nerdy) guys suddenly seem so much more "sexy" when in the past they might have seemed boring. That whole "danger" element that I once found attractive is now not looking so appealing..thank God.

I had dated this one guy last year before meeting Mr. ExN and have reconnected w/ him and have a date this weekend with him. It's going nice and sllllllowwww which also would have frustrated me in the past but now, seems so refreshing.

Sometimes it takes a good venture in to the depths of darkness to make a big transition. I sure can feel it.

NancyCT · Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:38 am Post subject:

I found myself sparkin' on a guy last week - at the library of all places! My son struck up a conversation with this fellow when he saw he had just checked out a sci-fi book my son and I had both read. He was charmingly awkward, checked out way too many books for someone with any life at all, and was absolutely adorable. I have a soft spot for guys who have no clue how good-looking they are. I might just keep an eye out for him in the future - my son and I visit the library the same time every week.

I'm not ready for dating - not even close. But if I could make friends with some nice guys, it might keep me from becoming a man-hater, which would be a logical alternative considering everything the last one put me through. But I don't want to just write off 49% of the population now, do I? There must be some decent male humans out there somewhere. And I'll never be ready to date if I'm not even ready to be friends with a guy!

Looks like I'm going to have to go back to a tricycle before I'm brave enough to get on the two-wheeler again.

cangel · member Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 328

Nancy,

You gave me a case of the giggles.....Wonder Woman riding a tricycle....

I like Loux's quote about falling off the bike and getting back on. I think that if you get out there with the expectation of having a male friend that is a grand approach. That in itself is so much more healthy than looking or expecting to meet "The One". Think we probably all went there with our Ns and know that it just can make you so desperate for approval, attention and that impossible all consuming relationship stuff. Sorry.....Yuck.....not signing up for that again - just give me a nice, interesting person, that will suit me fine. If the romantic passionate stuff comes along with it a some point that will be fun too but do not want anyone sweeping me off my feet again - I like being firmly planted in reality.

Cheers all!
cangel

purplegirl · member Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 398

You always post the best things!!!
Thank You!
Iam not there yet, but hopefully someday!
PurpleGirl
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WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE
BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!

freenhealing · member Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 57

So I guess since I started dating 2 months after breaking it off w/ my ExN (then had a 4 day relapse 6 weeks or so later), I don't appreciate the PTSD, wasn't involved with a "real" Narcissist, etc. I was told that on another thread before it was locked out.

For my SANITY, while I was spending time with friends, spending way too much time alone obsessing about my Ex (which was what caused me to be vulnerable to relapsing), I contacted someone I'd dated before I met him and went on a date. Then I got fixed up on two casual one time dates. I'm still spending the vast majority of my time alone but believe it or not as the opening poster said here, DOING something has helped me see he's not the only man I'd ever be attracted to or think of in that way again. It was one of the things that allowed me to cut the cord.

This man tortured me mentally for 9 months. He cheated on me throughout the relationship, lied to me, led to believe I was crazy for not trusting him, blamed EVERY SINGLE THING he did wrong on me, alternatively showered me with love and gifts then would shut me out on a dime either going to sleep or leaving my house abruptly refusing to talk to me. He has a very unstable work/living arrangement history. He's cheated on every woman he's ever been with (according to HIM but they led him to do this of course). He has no financial stability. His entire family warned me about him and his "difficult" nature. He's a full blown alcoholic. I think he pretty much fits the checklist of a Narcissist (including a prison past to boot) in most ways. I don't have any mixed feelings about this.

I went through a month of barely being able to get out of bed. Thank God I'm self employed because having no sick days motivated me to HAVE to get to work (and my clients who were also in pain depended on me). I was hostile, devastated, depressed, lost 10 pounds the first week etc. but I stuck to my guns until that deep lonliness propelled me to be vulnerable again. I convinced myself it was "safe" and "casual". Ugh. After seeing him that one last time for a "second go round" I knew only one thing: I could never speak to him or see him again. He helped me "snap out of" my brief delusion about him through his own behavior and I quickly started feeling better after that last encounter. Like something about it snapped me out of my funk.

And I knew where my vulnerabilities lie so I decided to start filling up my time w/ other things beyond my solitary activities (I live alone so it's easy to land on being alone alot). Including going on some dates!

I don't think this diminishes my experience or my pain. I still can hardly believe I was sucked in his web for 9 months thinking of marrying him! I feel no "magnet" anymore to go back to him but of course struggle with the whole "are men to be trusted?" thing. So I'm leary, skeptical, somewhat jaded as I meet people...maybe some of that is good but it's sad to lose my naivete.

It's also sad to feel (anywhere) you've been misunderstood. I know this is the internet and people read things the way they read them.

I wish you all the best in your recovery and do think it's time for me to find another forum to share on. But I was greatly helped in reading all I did and do feel I'm well on my way now, knowing the road is always twisting and turning.

Best of healing to you all....

louxloux · member Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1594

knoxy · Moderator Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1111

I love that we are discussing this.

I have to be honest. Sometimes I feel shy talking about dating. I feel like I'm judging everything I do and perhaps I'll be judged as well.

I was hanging out with my friend - we have known each other for years - I had a spark with him the very first time we met (I was in a relationship with the N, so of course I didn't do anything about it). We reunited in November accidentally and started hanging out socially right away. We talk for hours, we have a great time together, we really enjoy each other's company. It got physical in March and things blew up because I went emotional tourettes on him in late April.

I freaked out. That coupled with his own baggage wasn't a good combo.

We recently got back together for drinks. I was so relieved to see him. I really, really, really like this guy. I didn't realize how much I liked him. And when he showed strong boundaries... it made me like him even more.

So I'm scared. I'm scared because maybe I shouldn't "like" anyone right now. I know I'm vulnerable. I know I'm still healing. I know all of these things - but I really enjoy our time together. He wants to move "very slow" - frankly, I don't know how to do that and it's really frustrating me.

Trying to learn... trying to take things one step at a time... trying to keep my power in all of this... it's just really hard and really confusing. This is a really good man (so far), but I'll be damned if I'm not trying to turn him into something else or control the situation...

The side effects of leaving an N isn't just healing from the pain... it's having to figure out what is and isn't appropriate in dating again. It's been 8 years since I've dated someone and frankly, I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I've never been a multiple dating kind of girl, maybe that's the answer - fill up the stables with more horses... but I don't know.

I really like this one and it is really scary.

That's all.

BTW - I do read dating books, but they make me feel even more insane. What book were you reading, Loux?

louxloux · member Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1594

knoxy · Moderator Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1111

I will definitely pick that up - sounds awesome.

I just picked up "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson about attachments and attachment disorders. It's interesting related to dating as well.

You rock, Loux.

NancyCT · Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject:

gonnamakeit · member Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 129

Great post, timing is perfect. I was just explaining to my daughter over the weekend that I am going to be fine! I broke up with my first boyfriend since the N on Thursday, and she is afraid that I will be lonely and go back to the N. I had to gently explain to her that the reason I broke it off was due to boundary issues - I refuse to let mine go. This relationship could have been perfect if I was willing to let go of some of my dreams, goals, etc...(he would never ask me to do that as he was extremely supportive of me). But that's just it, I would have done it on my own. I have changed, greatly. This relationship taught me what is important to me. I could see how easy it would be to let myself slip into apathy, to put off all the things I want to do and places I want to go just because I was safe and loved at home. When I found myself planning my next vacation, planning on going alone because he had no passion for it, well that was the lightbulb moment. If I'm planning on doing all these things on my own, well I might as well be on my own - and open to meeting someone who shares my passions. I "learned" how important that is to me. I don't want someone to pat me on the head, smile, and let me do my thing. No, I want someone who truly enjoys the same things. Does any of this make sense?

There could be this fear that I have made a mistake, giving up this wonderful guy........but there isn't. Instead I see this as proof that I am healing and growing and heading in the right direction. I'm a bit sad that he wasn't the prince afterall, but I will be forever grateful that he restored my faith in men,and ultimately in myself.

Oh yeah, did I mention that what he found attractive in me was my passion for life, and my lovely Self Esteem?!