Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

space_for_truth · Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 16

Hi folks.

I'm new to this forum.
I'm here because I have left one of the most unusual and painful relationships I have ever experienced. After talking to a friend about it, he suggested that I check out NPD. I'm just hoping that you guys might help me shed some light on what has occurred in my life, because I feel like I've come out of an episode from the twilight zone...

Several years ago I met the most amazingly beautiful girl in University. She was elegant, graceful, had a vocabulary I've yet to see paralleled... and an intellect to match. We became fast friends and spent many hours together, hanging out in the same group of people.
I was in a serious relationship at the time, and she and I never went beyond the friendship aspect... although I often had to question myself, because she seemed to possess every good quality that I looked for in a girl. And we seemed so much alike... as if a long lost soul mate was found. It was very surreal, to say the least.
When school ended, she moved back to her home town (3 hours south)... and she and I fell out of touch for about 2 years.
After my relationship ended, and I spent some time gathering myself, I decided to call her up. The image of that beautiful, radiant, healthy face had stayed with me as did the warm glow of her peace. When we made contact again, we agreed to start seeing each other. I was elated!
But... something had changed. Almost immediately, that wonderful friend that I had known, was quite a different person. She had lost a lot of weight, and had a kind of constant, seething anger that brewed just under the surface. I quickly began to notice a child-like behavior to her as well... where at times it was sort of like having a conversation with a three year old. I was having trouble tying the two people together (an extreme intellectual who dropped A's on every paper, lovely and happy - to this new person before me. I was wondering if an evil twin sister had killed and replaced her...
And then the brutal ignoring started... we would be in the same room, and she would shut her eyes and pretend to sleep while I was sitting there... Since this was a long distance relationship, she would often not phone me for weeks on end. When I'd fly down to see her, she would be so excited about my arrival... and then the whole time, treat me like a piece of crap... bellitling comments, nasty remarks... spitting bile and venom and everything in between... I was walking on eggshells! She had a total fear of kissing... once, she sprung a sweet kiss upon me that lasted for a few minutes... and then spent the next month bashing me over the emails, saying how I made her 'go out of character'... that she didn't express herself that way. I'd call her on her birthday and she would tell me that everything was going great up until that point... that I had ruined her day. And several times throughout, she would dump me and tell me that we were only friends... and then the next time we saw each other, the warm, smiling, open person would be there again! I was dumbfounded.
She often went from hot to cold, sometimes within a few moments... telling me that she would like me to leave the next day (so she could get her work done)... and then beg me to stay for ten more days only minutes later. And she would mimic my interests... until one time we were driving and she stated how hard it was to be in a relationship with someone she couldn't do anything better than! One time, I opened my heart to her, telling her how much I cared, hoping to reveal the long lost girl I had known from years before - and she went ballistic - into an absolute rage. The more I tried to share my feelings - the uglier she got. It was off the wall!
And she utalized odd attention seeking divices. One time I watched her standing stoically in a doorway, as if listening. As I approaced, she waited until I was close, and then slammed the door on me. When I went in, she was balling her eyes out about her home work. All of this from a grown woman!! The last time had seen this was when some little kid turned on the water works at the the supermarket when he didn't get a ball he wanted!
She finally dumped me on Valentines Day... after I had sent her a beautiful present...
I was so confused!! The sweet girl of my dreams had become a seething, raging, attention seeking nightmare! I was so broken!
The following summer, she was visiting a mutual friend in town, and asked to stay over at my place. I was excited (and was thinking that the wonderful girl from the past had come back)... of course I said yes! Who asks to stay over at an x-bf's place, unless you want to cook things up again? We went for a moonlit walk, and after she asked me to open my heart, and I did... SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!! (who turned out to be some dude she had dumped after two lousy dates a few years before she and I had got together - she said she dumped him because he just wasn't me) - man the tables had turned!! And when I told her right after that I had been seeing someone in that interim, but that it didn't work out - she went ballistic on me again!! "WHAT, YOU MEAN YOU HAVE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE SINCE WE BROKE UP - WHAT? WHAT?" - Yup. Right after she had just killed me with her news, and how she said that her life was so much more fun now that I wasn't in it. Blech! And I will never forget that look of sick glee in her eyes when she hurt me so.

. . .

And now, almost a year later, I am still hurt and confused! Appearantly, according to word of mouth (she being the source) the surprise relationship sprung upon me is still going on, and she is very happy! This makes me feel terrible. I was so good to her, and now she seems to be spending all of her 'good quality' on some guy she one didn't give a rip about!!! What's going on here?? This broad could have been commited several times throughout our relationship... She was cold as ice and presented no 'physical element' to our relationship (she was terrified of it)... how is this lasting???
And also... after many months of no contact... she sends me an email that she wants to be friends... I do not reply...
And when I go to my facebook, I find that she has copied my profile shot (a side silhouette, only she is standing on the other side)... and she keeps posting on a mutual friends wall, and appears to be copying the way I write (choice of words, elipses... etc).
I AM SO CONFUSED!
If any of you have made it this far, could you please tell me what is going on here? Is this an N, or some type of PD? Why am I being cyber stalked if this new relationship is so good - cause I've got to be honest... a part of me wants to still see if that sweet I girl I once knew is in there!
I just need one of you to hit me with a shovel so the lights come back on. This eerie, green fog I've been living in has got me all twisted up inside... and I do miss that part of her...

Thanks everybody!
(And if no one reads this, I still have to say that it felt good to rant this out)!

Much Love!

Wink

finallyknow · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 9

Hi, I'm new here myself, so I am no expert. Only put the pieces together recently that my soon to be ex is not only an addict but a N as well. The jekyl/hyde you describe sounds more like drugs to me and addiction issues. As far as the other guy goes, if she is doing something and he is too, it's easier for her.

I don't know, this is just my opinion. I only found out about my husband's addiction to pain-killers about 8 mos. ago and since then it has been a real education. For me, the N behavior filled in and finished explaining behavior that addictive behavior just didn't quite cover. Addictive behavior has alot of narcissist traits, because addicts are shelffish and childlike - but they also have huge mood swings depending on if they're coming down, withdrawing, and what kind of drugs they take also effects them differently.

Again - this is just my opinion of what I saw when I read your post. In the meantime, whatever her problem is/was it's HER problem, not yours. Don't let her or anyone else get into your head. Easier said than done, I know. I've been there myself, but I have fought like heck to get me back and I'm going to keep at it! You too! It's your life, live it, take what you've learned from being with someone like her and just know you have red flags that you'll never let yourself be subjected to again because it's not good for YOU! Start doing something every day for YOU that feels good, that you enjoy! Let her go.

Hugs to you - you deserve happiness, I hope you find it!

purplegirl · Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 298

Hello,
It is nice to meet you, but sorry for the reason you are here.
I do not think anybody here can diagnose for you!
I do know that you can talk, vent here and you will have lots of support.
Also, some on this group have a lot of information, that I find so very helpful!
PupleGirl
_________________
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE
BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!

nocaster · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 16

All I can say is don't walk, but RUN from people who do this stuff. It's not normal and life is too short to deal with it. It's doubtful her new relationship is any different that yours; her words notwithstanding. It sounds as if you saw her true personality. Whatever sweet girl you originally witnessed probably does not exist. If she is truly NPD she was projecting her perfect image of herself onto you. Don't be fooled, you saw who she really is. NPD's are in constant search of Narcissistic Supply. If your willing to be that source of supply the N will use you and abuse you and give nothing in return. If that sounds like your cup of tea then go for it. If it were me, I would move on.

stillsmiling · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 13

Is this why ...When its good its great, because your suppling and the beast is fed for a moment?? those moments have become what I based the relationship on? A good friend told me a long time ago "all people are good, deep down, with a little bit of evil, But XN is Evil with a little bit of good", and that was years ago, that man was the best man at our wedding, knew the XN the longest besides myself and Family, I never wanted to believe it, I am an eternal optimist.....Obviously now I know the truth but the hurt and panic over the marriage being done is SO SAD !!I know to get over it, I know it was only real to me, I know I am better off , as are my kids, So why am I STUCK????

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 65

Welcome!
keep reading these boards!
Regardless if she is an N or P! You are hanging on to something that is not REAL. We are all here because of the damage we allow these people to do to us....and trying to understand it is like beating your head against a brick wall. What I loved is my made up fantasy...the truth is the N is a messed up individual that will not change.
I like to understand everything...all the information I had I kept hanging on to the person I fell in love with. They are masters at this romance but it is not real and that is where you lose yourself....Go back to the TRUTH and let go...you deserve more!
These people do not change but you can! hang in there and remember it is just a fantasy....

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 865

We can't diagnose your ex girlfriend. We can't even tell you if she is a drug addict.

Only you know.

But clearly, her behavior is not conducive to a loving relationship. So looking inside and healing is really your only option here. You can only control you and your recovery.

I'm glad you are here. Please read up and learn all you can. There are awesome resources on this board.

And don't be surprised if she keeps coming back. It's what these types do. Keep your boundaries and no contact in check and you will be just fine. Smile

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

You've gotten alot of great responses here. I think the biggest thing that has helped me through reading reading reading (the articles here and other posts, etc.) was the realization that THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. If things change with an N it only changes for the worse. No amt. of love, care and feeding will make them treat you better...EVER. I know I had lots of denial going there for a bit thinking "he's not all bad....he did treat me well at times...I felt that amazing love feeling at times" etc. But days and days of that "amazing feeling" would never make up for the ABUSE that will surely (and did) follow. And they will eventually punish you for ever making you feel good. Count on that.

There is only one response to maintain your dignity and self esteem w/ a person like this and that is GET AWAY as fast as you can.

Best of luck to you!

sm33 · Joined: 13 Mar 2007 Posts: 331

she will do the same to this new guy as she did to you. and also they always make it appear that they are so happy and great with the new person. yes they also come back most of the time,. whether it is to be there fake perfect false self you loved so much, or to remain friends to keep you strung along for back up supply. it is nornal to feel all that you are feeling. please know it is not you and there is nothing you could have done to fix things . even if she lasts longer with this guy, the devalueing and discarding is inevitable. im glad she is out of your life . just keep reading and reading and you will get alot of undersstanding. sorry you had to go through all that and are dealing with the same feeligns still. it does take longer to get over things with these people.