Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

I keep flashing on this scene from that movie "The Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts where she finally decides she needs to discover herself after a string of losing herself in relationships.

She makes every kind of style of eggs to find out which she really likes vs. what the "guy of the moment" tells her she should like. It's a really cute scene.

I kind of see myself in a similar space after ending my relationship. I'm trying on new things and revisiting old familiar activities/friendships that I'd neglected taking care of my Ex and letting my world revolve around him. It's like this fun journey of discovery seeing what foods I want to eat/cook, what activities bring me joy, what things I've wanted to discover and now have the time and energy to do so unencumbered.

So far I've been going to the drivein movies the last 3 weekends and LOVING it in this weather (I went last weekend by myself!). I completed a craft project which was doing a mosaic tile on a table for my patio which I thorougly enjoyed, I've been listening to the radio show "This American Life" on my computer, I've been making exotic salads (I've gained a little bit of weight since I broke up but I had started SMOKING during the stress of the breakup and quit 2 weeks ago cold turkey). I've been shopping in places I've wanted to check out, went wine tasting, playing around with plants and creating an enchanted wonderland on my patio all for myself! Also been planning a party for all my best girlfriends in two and a half weeks (Sex and the City party) which has been great fun. It's going to have a theme of "friendship appreciation" and lots of gifts for them all, etc.

What have other people been doing to rediscover yourself again?

buffy · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 26

I just realized today that I have no self. I once had one and wont me that person again, but it snice to have so many choices and pick the one that makes me happy.

I hope my real slef still likes TV Very Happy

wakingup · Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 58

freenhealing!!

My best friend told me that i reminded her of julia roberts in that movie!! and she used that egg scene as well! she was like u always change urself to be like the guy ur with and u dont really know what U want!

ill go back to reading ur post now ..cz i had to reply as soon as i saw the topic! Smile

wakingup · Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 58

u know whats funny... now after EX N i sometimes find myself choosing something vz i know this is what he'd like u know then id be like NOOO STOP!! i will do what I want and what i prefer!
takes some getting used to but its greatt

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1047

I keep flashing to Richard Gere and that fabulous head of hair he has.

Yummy. I love me some Richard Gere.

Funny, I cried the first time I saw the "egg" scene. Clue, I guess.

I've done more to avoid most things that remind me of my ex. Sadly, some of those things I loved. Like sailing, for instance. But I can't stomach doing them again.

I think I remained myself a good chunk through my relationship with my N. Especially since we seemed to drift apart in the last year. I had to have my own life or I would have been even MORE sad all of the time. I have always kept my identity from a "likes/dislikes/hobbies" perspective.

But something about those eggs still got to me. I related in some way...

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

Thanks for starting this thread.
This message board has saved my life~
I have a dear friend who has been on IM daily with me for 2 years....trying to escape the TOXIC N. Since he has left I have been in so much pain/STUCK!

Last week I went to a new therapist! She gave me a name of an energy lady. I went to see her too!!!!!! The most amazing thing happened to me during this energy therapy. The lady's hands were on my head although something was being pulled from my heart. It happened to the point that I got scared and that famous knot in my stomach. The lady honored my fear and stopped. BUT I have had the best weeks of my life! I am very clear with who I am....the old patterns and obsession are gone!
IT IS JUST CRAZY!!!
I have also gotten on the treadmill everyday...this feels great!

Realizing that I am separate of my children, friends and XN has given me some much needed sanity. I have even encouraged my 17 year old daughter in whatever relationship she needs to have with XN. And, funny when I released that fear....she has chosen to not see him! Trust me, I have suffered to the point that I did not know if I would survive....Everyone please know there is HOPE, KEEP WORKING....all the answers are within us...TRUST!
Surviving a relationship with an N gives us incredible strength....only surivors understand!
Good Luck in your JOURNEYS

stillsmiling · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 13

How do you look for new things???? I want to move, IWANT TO MOVE ON!!!!I hate stopping at my starbucks to see his car there, or the gym or the movies or the park....Its CREEPY, 18 years and habits are hard to break...
I am hosting a sex in the city weekend since my kids will be with XN ..... But then again, we used to watch it together, making new memories is hard work, how do you get past wanting to just stay in bed on the weekends w/o the kids??? HELP ME...

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

Keepingseparate, that is absolutely fantastic!!! You go girl!!!

I had a taste of energy therapy - an introductory class at my local library. Although I went in as a skeptic, there was no doubt about it - there's something to it.

The woman who was conducting the class asked for a volunteer from the group - someone who had a very stressful day. My hand shot right up. We both stood before the class, her back to me telling the others what she intended to do. When she turned to me, she stopped cold. As soon as she looked into my face, she went silent. The moment seemed to last forever. She broke the silence by asking the class what she had been saying, she had completely lost her train of thought.

Now, this was after all sorts of talk about chakras and auras and such. And although she assured us she did not have the ability to see auras, I thought "Am I that big of a train wreck?" She recovered by saying she was distracted by my bright orange scarf, then performed her demonstration.

She did a muscle test on my arm, pushing down on my extended arm while I resisted. Then she held a hand a few inches from one of my ears, blocking the flow of energy through the ear, and performed the muscle test again. Wow, could I ever feel the difference. No way was it my imagination, or the power of suggestion. It was real.

Mostly, I came away from the class thinking of what I a visible wreck I was. I know the last few years with the XN have taken their toll on me - but I didn't know I was wearing it across my forehead.

My current therapist does energy therapy. I haven't done any of it with her yet. I'm still dealing with my current situation, embroiled in an embittered divorce, so it's mostly talk therapy right now. But I most definitely plan on pursuing it, it's great to hear that you've had such positive results.

And, I was just thinking today that I need to increase my daily exercise for stress relief.

I found your post extremely uplifting and motivating. Can't thank you enough.

Nancy

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 821

Funny about cooking something like eggs or how we prefer them can raise a 'red flag', but it's true Laughing

Might seem a minor thing, but it's often the 'small details' that can make or break a relationship, N wise or not.
Genuine, respectful partners accept such individual differences/ tastes etc and do not try to force the other to 'come over to their way'. Compromises are made and differences accepted and catered for on both sides.
Post N (if not during) many of us realise there was no two way street. We constantly adjusted and/ or ignored our personal preferences/ needs etc to encompass and cater to theirs in order to keep them happy and interested.
This is one reason why many of us also steadily lost our 'sense of self' to a degree.
Taking back our personal power and regaining our individual identity is not necessarily an easy, painless or short term journey but certainly the most important one we need to embark on for our survival and future happiness.
My hat goes off to all those who have and are doing so and for the inspiring posts of success.
In the darkest hours it is such light and hope needed as encouragement to 'soldier on'.

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 384

freenhealing,

Great post! It is our journey of course, a journey to find ourseleves.

For me it is all about doing things I normally wouldn't do, spent my whole life fighting things and now it is time I just go with it...Life I mean, I am not fighting anymore...just letting life take me where I am supposed to go...sometimes it is a struggle...LOL...sometimes I grasp at the ol' way of doing things and that is ok to...I learn from from that, learn why I do it and then move on.

Instead of repressing everything...I am now "Exhaling"...this song kinda explains it...

Whitney Houston-Exhale

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZnub4GmaPg&NR=1
_________________

keepingseparate · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 87

NancyCT
I had no idea what I was getting myself into with energy work. The process of "waking up" to the 12 year relationship has been so painful. My dearest girlfriend who has been by my side for the last 2 years....as I tried to figure out my life with XN!! She told me yesterday, she was not sure I would make it! And, was surprised I got up and went to work everyday! For me, with all the information I had about N I just could not make that emotional break.

My sister and counselor told me about energy work...I was begging for some help/relief! I also journeled, read this board over and over, and found a new therapist that understood N's.
I did panic when my chest was hurting, beating fast, something being tugged (rope/string). And, I like to understand EVERYTHING, I am working hard on just letting things BE! But, I now trust this person, since she could feel my panic and stopped. I am going back for an hour tomorrow.....I will let you know if this visit has the same result.
It is just nice to not be obsessing with someone else.....