Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

cnh128 · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Hi. I'm hoping to get some feedback on this.

I was a teenaged parent, at 18, and lived with my parents until my daughter was about 4, when I finally had the income to support her and live on our own. My mother's N traits weren't a regular thing before I got pregnant (though, looking back, I see that they were there), so i didn't pay much attention to it. After she became a grandparent for the first time, however, she became overtly narcissistic. Living with them became a power struggle for authority over my daughter, which agitated me and confused my little girl. So, I made it my mission to get out, and I got out. NM, who owns her own business and preaches to the heavens about women being self-sufficient and successful, had a lock-jawed major pout upon our departure. SHe could not longer take exclusive credit for my daughter's upbringing, even though she would only occasionally babysit her after she was already asleep, but nevermind, I couldn't cnvince anyone that she was lying about all of the care she provided. What with her business and lazy, useless husband, the 'burden' of raising my kid just sealed her existence of martyrdom. My first attempt at NC after the continued asinine behavior was met with threats of suing me for visitation - a threat she didn't act on only after my brother, the GC, managed to talk her out of.

Fast forward 12 years. I was 30 last year, and I went NC with my NM last August after my baby boy was born. Obviously everythinhg is still about her. She and my father would stalk my husband and I, calling 8-10 times a day when I was only home from the hospital for 3 days and NOT SLEEPING, because they are too important to leave a message. I reminded her during the pregnancy that I'd need them to scale back, and asked assertively for it to stop when the baby was born. She said I was just being hurtful and they plan to never call me again. I called them both stalkers and said good riddance, don't call OR email, and went NC. That was almost 9 months ago.

This past mother's day was the first with NC. Now when I see Hallmark commercials, restaurant signs about reservations for brunch, Kay Jewelers mother's day diamond bling, I feel my blood start to boil. On top of that, I see crap about grandparents - gerber life insurance policies are available to grandparents, etc, and i get equally pissed off. The sheer ENTITLEMENT makes me sick. They think they're so valuable, so essential to a family, and the expectations that they have some involvement with the kids, and deserve credit for anything, and play some important role by baby sitting and bonding, blah blah blah. Un-freaking-believable. She did NOTHING for my kids before NC. SHe threatened to sue me for visitation. They would go over to NM's house, and she would spend time with them by having them help her fold laundry. She more or less just wanted to punch some time card with them so she could go to her equally annoying entitlement-having grandparents friends and compare notes. SHe never got off her ass to do anythjing with the kids, but is quick to bemoan to her friends how exhausted she is after 'chasing' them around.

In short, the commericals and exaggeration over the all-important grandparents makes me angry, and sick. My kids never even ask about them, that's how much my NM had no impact on them and failed to make any real relationships with any of them.

I feel like my NM ruined mother's day for me. It's hard for me to enjoy it, as a mother of 3, all the while knowing with a non-mother she's always been and has spent my adult life undermining me, demeaning me, and using her time around my own family to just satisfy her need for attention.

What can you guys tell me? I know there's always good advice on this board - I read it regularly. Can someone help me deal with the rage, and get a different mindset about this holiday?

Tearlet · Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 29

Forgiveness is not about releasing the other of pain, it is about releasing you of pain. Learn about this illness, understand it's an illness, feel sorrow for the constant pain your mother suffers.

This does not mean to accept what she has done to you, you are responsible for you & it is up to you, as an adult, to protect yourself & your children. Forgiveness can be achieved even through NC.

If you work at this you can start to let this stuff roll off. Really, I can talk to my mother all the time now. I just understand if I allow myself to do this then I need to remember what to expect & understand her delusions have nothing to do with me. I have learned how to keep certain conversation topics at a minimum or completely avoided.

My mother is the only grandparent to my children. Therefore, at this time, I want her in their lives. It helps I live 2 states away, so we're limited in the time spent with each other. I know one day I may need to stop contact with them & her as I listen to the way she talks of my older nieces and nephews and it makes me sick to think she'd ever speak of my children this way ... but then again, we are not in her daily lives, so any contact may be exceptional. Where my nieces & nephews she complained about were the ones she saw every day or nearly every day. (She's been living in China for the past several months & never speaks of them negatively, so distance may be the answer.)

I recently read a book on Buddah and one helpful tool I learned from this book is to learn to wish your enemies well. For if they were well they would not hurt you as they do. So when you feel anger bubbling through, stop, take a deep breath, feel her pain & wish her wellness & happiness.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

My perspective in going NC, is different. I think (and from my experience) if the choice is to go NC, then all the residual feelings (anger etc.) will definately pop out and come out. I think, that when you have resigned yourself, to stop playing in the N game, and consider making a life for yourself, the resentment that has built up, really starts to fly. Its like investing and investing, never seeing any gain, and only loss. After some time, you just learn to stop that investment. And making someone else a priority at your expense, seems senseless too. I had a NM whom acted very similar to yours when I had my son, and I was young, and was divorced and had to live back home with my baby. The day I arrived home, she took my son out of my arms, and annouced to me and to my son (who was just 1) that "She was the mother now". I can't tell you the creeped out feeling that went down my spine, but that was pretty much the way it went. And if I mothered, (of course, I did) she took the credit, and when I moved out, months later, because she has always been a malious N, she was crazy and vengeful towards me. She babysat from time to time, and you would have thought I left him there, and was out hooking the way she made it sound to everyone else. She was also good at, telling me "You would be nothing, if it werent'for me". Well, I am happy to report I have ALWAYS been something, and never bought into the madness. Mother's day for me was always about her, and when my son was 13, and other children were little, my wonderful husband, said to me "You have been a mother for 13years, its time our kids celebrate you, and we skip her". Well, the heavens should have came down and struck me, for the hell that woman reighned on my heard. So.......I went NC about 7 years ago. My holidays, including Mother's day, are beautiful and filled with love. No games, no nothing. I envy the people who can have their N's in the life, and keep a hold of things, but for me, and I am sure some others, not possible. This is my one life, and I wont' spend one more second, being discounted by her. Its not longer anger and pain I feel but a nice freedom to be to my family all the things, NM could not be. As far as the maytr, my NM is still on that band wagon, and probably will always be. Not to many people around these days to listen or care. Because they burn out good people. They suck them dry. Advise??? Get on with the business of living life. And not wishing, or being angry one minute longer, for the selfish bastards, that raised us, and are sick. Pity love didn't work to good for me, it only made NM sue me, and take from me. So...I have sat in those shoes also. Some N mothers can be very very vengeful and cause serious damage to our families, and if your intuition to leave it, and not bother, then that should be the path. No one wants to walk the roads I have and lost as much as I have due to the N and her selfish horrible ways. We all know deep in our hearts what we can and can not do, and we should never question our souls when they tell us. Forgiveness, is a wonderful liberating feeling, when you have emptied all the rage, anger that built up over lifetimes. When that is all released, and you are honest with yourself, then you can move toward forgiveness as a obtainable goal, and peace for yourself. What you resist persists. So let it out and let it all go. Release all the tention from you heart and and make your life worth it. And always count your blessings, your kids, and your life. Then the forgiveness goal can come closer. Unfortunetly my experience, offered peace, after many many years, of slowly releasing my chained and pent up feelings of hate, discust, and such. But each of us, has our path. Just some thoughts.
Peace

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Baby Kay......kudo's to your husband. I think what he said was terrific.

I think part of the anger is part of the healing. If you let your mom control your mind on mothers day, she is doing just what she wants to do. She would probably dance on the table top, to just know that your thoughts are on her....good or bad, dosent matter...she has your attention.
Take that away from her...give that to your kids. They are the ones who deserve.....you!

nice to meet ya,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 486

These reactions are acceptable. Indeed, any reaction is acceptable. So you don't have to curb your rage or feel guilty about feeling. How you feel is how you feel. No need to JADE it, let it be. Instead of changing your mindset, accept it as it is.

To clarify: there is the mindset and then there is the conditioned mind. The conditioned mind is the desire for a mindset other than the present one. The Buddhists say: "The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging." http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html#truth2

If you are in a lot of pain, fighting it doesn't work. Fighting exacerbates pain, it excites it. Accepting it is the best tonic. If you can surrender the pain will dissolve in time. Surrender to how you feel. If you feel like shit at the moment, so be it. Most of us do.

"In short, the commericals and exaggeration over the all-important grandparents makes me angry, and sick. My kids never even ask about them, that's how much my NM had no impact on them and failed to make any real relationships with any of them."

There is a practical solution here. Mute the TV. Why subject yourself to indoctrination if you don't have to? Who isn't trying to sell you something? Rolling Eyes

cnh128 · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Thank you, you guys, so much. You've given me alot of insight.

baby kay, honestly, it's creepy. I think your nm and my nm should get together and go bowling. Bad enough that I had this experience - you had a virtually identical experience with a completely different person.

It's hard to imagine myself not being angry. i agree in principle that acceptance has to be the goal and is the best outcome for me so that I can live my life and be a good wife and mother. But everytime I see some mother or grandmother exaulting propaganda, I think "yeah, right". I mean, aren't they all toxic? It's been 8 months since NC, and there's still anger and disgust. I feel like I should be beyond this now.

As long as she's alive, i'm afraid it's going to eat at me. I really need to fill up my time with something other than thinking about the raw deal I was dealt. Did any of you think, and really believe, that since your parent was a selfish, soulless parental fraud, that they were all like that? I hope to god I don't turn out to be her.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

cnh128,
First, take a deep breath, and let yourself be angry. I didn't think all people (mothers and grandmothers) were like ours. I instead, had girlfriends, and people who I knew who had pretty normal relationships. I mean not perfect, but the occassional stuff, not malious N stuff. Our mothers are N's. And some people have N traits and behaviors. I can have N behaviors or like I like to call them "reactions" because its so close to the cuff of my sculpting as a child. To RECOGNIZE when someone is using N behaviors, is one thing, but my radar is so keen I can pick up a N within seconds. I don't like to brag, but on this site, I will. I have had so little people in my life, friends, or otherwise, to express the shit that has gone on with NM. I kept most of it , to myself. I did have my sister growing up, who for all purposes is not the brightest light that shines, but since moving back to our state 5 years ago, has had a handful of experiences, because I am NC. Good for her, I think its real fair now, to have NM bust up someone elses head, instead of mine all the years. It for me was worse since I am an adult. THe childhood shit, was 18 years, and the adult shit, longer. Our mother most definatly could be the same. So many times, I read a post, and I am like "WOW, thats my experience also". So, you come here and write it all out of you, because we all know what you feel like. All of us. Anger, and resentment, I still got that one, cuz I am a mom. And she liked to steal my identity and my everything, but she can't steal my soul, and my family. NO......Never, I am NC because I love my kids and have a great husband. You think NM ever had a man, care deeply for her?? Answer -No-, so why should her daughter get one. People close to me say, "you would think she would be happy for you ", and for the thousanth time, I say, "Shes not right, she would be happy if he was kicking my ass, cheating, and I was miserable", and they go "OH????" Because they're mother is not a malious bitch N. So......we did get jipted in life, so.....we have a change to get it right with our families, the ones we choose to make and love. Thats our reward. We know the difference, and they never will. You hang in there and vent. And kiss those babies, and love your husband, and thank god for your blessings as I do every night. I am truly blessed and lucky. It all evened out.
Kim

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 53

Dear cnh128,

My mother is just like yours and I think you've done a very difficult but necessary thing for the sake of your children as well as for your own sanity. I can only imagine the hell you went through living with your mother the first time you had a child. Imagine how much worse it would have been with a boy child? You don't need anyone ruining your experience of motherhood and undermining you.