Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

me again · Joined: 14 Feb 2008 Posts: 107

hi... i just wanted to tell my friends here.... that i did it ... and i am not blubbering.... he of course drove down my street today... at the exact time that i have to go pick up my daughter.... and i was laughing and talking with a friend.... there he was ... with all his misery and i am still going to make you pay attitude.... and i smiled and waved.... and i did it casually... while i continued to talk to my friend..... and i feel GOOD. i know he thought he had me right where he wants me... sad , lonely, rejected.......pathetic..... and guess what .... I"M NOT...... yeah me!... i was blessed with this opportunity much sooner than i thought..... and i am so thankful... because he needs to know he does not have power over me... so now any joy he had from this most recent discard.... is over... and now he is left with confusion.... and i am gaining clarity, strength, confidence.... and hopefully ME AGAIN!!!!!! i needed to see and feel his darkness one more time -i guess... to see the truth.. and i did not cry ... my eyes and my crow's feet are thankful for that!

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 822

Me Again,
Next time you do not wave even casually. You may look up and see him around but just turn away with NO acknowledgement at all.
You are your own person again hun and he no longer part of your life.
Reinforce that by turning away now as if he is invisible.
Good for you for shedding no tears as well.
Sounds like like you well and truly on the road to recovery.
Hugs and ongoing best wishes, Milo xxx

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 387

me again -- It feels good to be in control..ah?! You'll feel even better if you remain away from anything/anyone related to him. In my country we have a saying "Eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel"..... the translation may not be great -- but I hope you get the idea. The more you see him ...the more he will hurt you without having to lift a finger. Guard your heart and your thoughts by staying away from him --- not seeing him will do you miles of good.

Best wishes.
Mildred

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

You've broken a pattern me again! That's awesome ! Things will never be the same w/ him again. Step by step you are reclaiming yourself and one day you will pass him and not even notice as he will return to obscurity. But this was a great step....congratulate yourself!

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 408

meagain,

You took a step to take your power back sweetie! Woo Hoo!

Know that you can't avoid him cause he is driving past your house, Milo is right, eventually you have to NOT GIVE HIM A REACTION AT ALL!

No waving, no smiling, you have to NOT even acknowledge he is there...this is tough, can empathize with you.

So take this as a victory and keep on HEALING HON...it is hard changing ourseleves and each day is a new day...just wanted to leave you with this little ditty....Mary J. Blige rocks the house, she knows about being in abusive relationships and also she was addicted to drugs so she knows about the struggles...

Here you go Meagain...have a little dance...

Mary J Blige Just Fine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRF1Q8JjyH4&feature=related

Hugs
Gabs
_________________

me again · Joined: 14 Feb 2008 Posts: 107

thank you...everyone ...for your support..... i have been completely following no contact for 4 months.... then began to think i could usher some sort of peace into this ....foolish...but not futile...i now see him .
what i learned is that he is not well...and he is cruel... he humored me...then completely ...completely ignored me when i contacted him in regards to the plans we made to get together....just ignored me.... over 4 years with this man .... he put on the tears when he asked about my little girl...yet when given the chance to have an opportunity to possibly have some resolution of this... he shows nothing but disrespect,disregard, and subtle cruelty......exactly all the reasons i am not with him.....so thru this ...yes i am hurting..... but , he did this ...he ignored me to take me down...he wanted control back... he had lost it when he left a warped present for my daughter on her birthday...and i did not respond...and have not acknowledged him since....he did not like that.....so this was his chance...to have his power over me...
and luckily i am smarter now..... he wants me to ignore him...that means he hurt me...put me back in my place..took my strength away.... i am honoring no contact... but i now see that sometimes rules have to be molded a bit so they fit appropriately.... i WILL NOT engage in conversation with him, call, e-mail,text.....no i will not..... however...this man literally drives past my house everyday more than once and justifies it by convincing himself that it is his route...when there are easily at least 2 other ways he can go....he is fine with this because he is the victim...therefore he is allowed to be the a$$....and i am not going to give him the satisfaction of being either..... and that is worse for this narcissist..trust me. i cannot stop him from driving by my house 234 times a day.... or maybe i can... because he does not want me to be ok ...yet alone see that i am ok... so i will smile and wave. .....until he stops. and i feel better.... because my head is up high.... and i promise you he wants me to ignore him...that is what feeds him.... he is a full on N
but he is beyond.... and i have to adapt what i have learned about Ns... to suit this situation... for self preservation....this time when i waved was the first time i did not lose it when i saw him.... and i have seen him quite a bit....so that is telling for me.....so please understand.. smiling and waving is not me going against no contact...it is just adding a component in that varies from the norm...but it will ultimately help me get me back.i hope that you understand and do not view this as contact.. i really like coming here and would greatly appreciate your support in my decision ..being here is so helpful...

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

The way I took your "smiling and waving" me again was that you were demonstating that you were fine, having gone on with your life, that he was the same as the post man who you'd be superficially friendly to. I smile and wave superficially to my neighbors all the time (ok all except one I refer to as "Gladys Kravitz" but I digress) and it just means I'm being my friendly old self.

Smiling and waving for YOU might communicate something more important than ignoring him or looking away ya know? Not sure if I'm hitting the mark here but trying to communicate how I perceived your success in this situation. And congrats on 4 months of NC! I'm not even at 3 weeks yet and I feel like a huge success story! 4 months and I might just throw a party! haha

Celebrate ALL your successes here I say and let them all strengthen you even more....

me again · Joined: 14 Feb 2008 Posts: 107

hi free! thank you ...yes...that is really truly exactly it....when i realized that this man was simply going to ignore my genuine , heartfelt attempt to make peace...just erase me and feel fine with it..... i was shocked...and yet not.... but in that moment of picturing him reading my text ... and saying bleep her....and ignoring me, and then reading my e-mail ....and walikng away and again...bleep her...when i visualize that...i feel so completely sickened by the type of person he is..... and see how clearly he is cruel.... i devoted myself to this man for over four years..and let him in my little girls life....and he just used us.... and treats me like this awful person because i finally could not take one more minute of feeling like an extra in his movie.... never good enough for a leading role... but good enough when it worked for him....weekends, sex, and to make him look like he had his $hit together when he went to see his family.... but the rest...anything that mattered to me...forget it.... i culd not take it ..especially combined with his willingness to berate me while i cried..... so...sorry venting.... i had this visual of his snide ,cruel arrogance of bleep her... she's psycho.... and i thought....NO. i am going to smile and wave.....of course not knowing if i'd really be able to do it...but i did. and yes you are right...it speaks volumes..... you did not get the best of me, your plan did not work, hey remember me ...i am a happy warm person, you don't phase me,have fun driving by, good luck with your misery...i mean i could go on and on...ny simple smile and wave....is me again.... i won't lie ..today was a battle...i try and explain yto my girlfriend...that just when i am back in my power... just when i get it all straight in my head...a pretend guy moment can sneak in for a split second...and it feels like someone came up behind me and did the old put their knee into the back of your knee...and the next thing i know .. iam down again..and i have to find my way thru the confusion the n created...i honestly am wondering if there is the possibility of two personalities with him.... i think ihad asked on another post.. is that splitting... or something that is n-like?...

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

I don't think it's true "multiple personalities" but they sure do swing from one pole to the next. Mr. Charming one minute can switch to Mr. Cold and Abusive in a second flat. Depending on what they are trying to accomplish.

Neither are who they really are as they are just a shell playing different roles to manipulate their way through life. So sad. It IS important to see the "Mr. Charming" as not real though because that's the one all of us bought in to. It's not consistent and is only pulled out and "used" by them when they need it and they know how to work it very well!

My EXN's own MOTHER warned me about this when I met her for the first time! She said "I hope you haven't fallen in love with his charming side because you really need to know the other side of him before you make any kind of long term commitment". Among many other warnings! Of course he got me feeling sorry for HIM that his mother would be so cold to/about him but dang if she wasn't trying to protect me--woman to woman! His own mother! His sister also said something similar!

It's easy to fall in to the trap of remembering that "Mr. Charming" Prince but it's more important to overlay it with REALITY and Mr. Nasty who emerges on a dime is really the important one to focus on I find. For me, because he was SO exaggerated in this way last time I saw him, that's really all I remember now when I think of him...with repulsion. Thank GOD! Mr. Charming is like a ghost to me now...where he belongs.

Again good for you for your progress!

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 387

Del...

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 387

Hi free...
I posted something earlier that was intended for another post.... once I realized it, I delected the post. Sorry for the confusion.

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60