Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

finallyknow · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 9

Hi

I'm new. I am fairly sure I'm married (and divorcing) a classic N. I think they would label him "low level". He think's he's "all that" but he's also an opiate addict (codeine mostly) so working has been going downhill for the last several years.

We are divorcing. He is buyinig me out of the house (supposedly). So, what is this that he does? I'm staying in the guest room, and lately I come into the kitchen after he leaves for work for my coffee and he's moved more of my stuff out of "our" old bedroom (his room now). It just makes me nuts. I have no desire to move it upstairs, just to pack it and move it back down and out, and it's not stuff in his way as most of my stuff is in the guest room. Anyhow, I realize some of this is staking his claim, he cannot wait until it's time to do things, he gets so caught up in worrying about if I'm going to take the vacuum when I leave and is insulted when I keep asking if the money's going to be there on the 1st? He gets huffy that I don't believe him.

Well, because of his addiction he hasn't been working enough the last few years of our marriage it turns out, and I found a savings account he had taken down over $30,000 in one year! So, I am sure we were on our way to financial ruin. So, he doesn't have much in savings, has claimed very little to no income for the last 3 years (according to the tax returns - which I had to order from the IRS).

I just cannot figure out how he's going to buy me out at this point. His family MIGHT lend him some of the $, but they would also expect payments - then there's the regular mortgage... All the regular stuff, but he walks around so "confident" and arrogant - is it possible that he would act this way even if he DOESN'T have the $? And if he doesn't have the $, what is the purpose of this charade. Between the addict behavior and now the N stuff, I'm not sure if there is anything anymore I can believe.

I realize time will tell if he manages to get it together somehow, and honestly - besides maybe making him eat some crow if the deal doesn't go thru, I hope he does get the $ together - our house is too big, PG&E is going up, etc. I'm OK either way, I'm approved to buy him out so Im not exactly over a barrel except he stalls and drags at every turn.

I only recently (in the last 8 mos.) after I finally said I wanted a divorce found out I was married to an addict, porn (lots of it on his computer, altho no "relations" with me since 2004!), and about a month ago my therapist told me her opinion that he's an N. So - Ive really been learning a lot. It's exhausting in fact. If I had known all these years I was married to an N and an Addict, then after all these years I'd "know" what behaviors are coming from where etc. While I do know the behaviors, I never knew to look for a "pattern" and so it's all quite random to me. When he does things, it's not surprising, but since I'm not often sure why he's doing this particular behavior or what to sort of expect next - it's just all really getting me worn down. I realize it's almost over, but I feel like I really need some help to push us through the last of it.

Any insight about whether this might be delusional thinking, or is that not part of the N way so he's probably actually telling the truth?

Thanks

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

I don't know about your situation in particular but the only thing I can say is this. Trust your gut. If it feels like he's lying or fabricating, he most likely is. The absolute ONLY thing I would trust about my ExN would be something I would see with my own eyes as fact. I would never trust one word that would come out of his mouth again. He doesn't even know the truth as it's so mutable, changing moment by moment in every situation depending on what he's trying to accomplish (manipulate).

Trust what you can see and validate. Take every single thing he says with a grain of salt. That's my best advice. Good luck!

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1378

if you are sure he is a n/p Im in agreement with free......you can't believe ONE WORD outa his mouth.....Its one of the red flags of this disorder. I believe it is the main reason I finally left and divorced my xp.......it got so NOTHING he said could be believed so I began to not listen.....There was no reason TO listen.....True to form according to the experts on this disorder is when I left him he gave this tribute to ME....In his smear campaign....another thing n/p's do...the smear......ripping as many loved ones away from us as are dumb enuf to listen to them lie.......
_________________
I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 409

finallyknow,

big hugs to you sweetie.

Just wanted to say am sorry you are going through this and wanted to welcome you to the forum. No one here is qualified to diagnoise but you just finding this forum should tell you something. There a lot of wise, kind and caring people here and the forum also has plenty of resources too.

As for your guy...hum...an addict, going to say this with all the compasion in the world for you...ok?

Sweetie he is an addict, he only has room in his life for one thing...his addictions. Believe me when I say this...my STBXNH is an alcoholic who is addicted to porn, shopping, spending money, the internet, basically anything and everything you can be addicted too he is.

With Personality Disorders such as Nism, the N is an addict, he is addicted to Nacisstic Supply (NS), you are NS to him...

finallyknow · Joined: 14 May 2008 Posts: 9

I just wanted to thank you all for your words of welcome and advice!

Just came home from therapy. I'm a little wiped out. I do have an atty. He has to get ALL the agreed to $ before I will start to pack 1 item. Makes ANH CRAZY! I'm getting stronger each time I face him and just tell him to stop whatever it is he is doing. Of course I am being a you-know-what when I do this, but heavens above he wears a body out.

I think that the addiction makes him a quiet N - if that makes sense. He is quite subtle. But, I'm sure of it, and we discussed it again tonight in therapy.

This might bring a chuckle, I know my therapist just about fell out of her chair - but maybe someone has a theory. I really don't ever care if I know the real answer, I think after reading a lot of posts here I know.

So - ANH and I have not been Intimate since 2004 - biblical sense, and since then fooled around a few times - not even a handful (wouldn't look at me anytime, never has been able to look at me!). Anyhow, last time I saw him naked (he always keeps covered up) his "area" was clean - as in shaven. I remember thinking it was odd, but I didn't ask about it because I couldn't remember if he'd always done that, but as the therapist pointed out, chances are if it struck me as odd - probably not always "clean". She managed to say that after she picked herself up off the floor. It is pretty funny and I was not offended.

To me, this says more than porn, this says a partner of some sort - or maybe some little critters from more than a computer.

Anyhow, this realization along with so many others is just exhausting. My marriage was so not what I thought it was. I am soooo tired. I am strong when I battle him tho - as strong as I can be anyway - but I do wonder just how far he'll go with words to get me to do something, but I'm going to sit tight until the $ is with my atty. cleared, etc. and wait for action - but he is soooo good at stalling, deflecting, etc. It really is exhausting, but this is the battle I chose, it's important to me, and I'm going to follow it thru- but any "insight" is soooo very helpful and appreciated. thank you all!

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

Oh I think that clean shaven thing is a big sign. He's either web camming it or going to sex clubs and showing off his stuff. Good thing you've not been intimate with him, healthwise!

My Ex is also an alcoholic and very "quiet" is his manipulation/style as well. he frequently talks about how he likes to keep a "low profile" or "fly under the radar" so he can pull off his whatever little game of the moment and people don't see the TOXIN he is...

Milo · Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 807

Finallyknow,
Doesn't sound to me as if you are delusional (but he is).
Your inner voice/ instinct/ heart telling you its over and time for you to leave in your best interests.
Also sounds like any remaining love has already died.
Just keep doing the right thing for yourself now hun. Don't let this relationship wear you down anymore than it already has done.
Good luck and bests wishes,
Milo

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2230

The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4951

The Narcissist and Psychopath as Criminals

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5003

The Narcissist is Above the Law

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4983