Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

I was with my now-ex with over 5 yrs. we have a 3 yr old daughter.

The whole relationship was marred from the beginning. I was inlvoe and stupid. We had a great relationship, until I got pregnant. As time went by he seemed to be getting better and be okay ith his life. He was never there though for he pregnancy and after baby was born he was gone alot.

I later found out after we started to live together that he cheated on me with basically everythign under the sun. And he denied it, until women started to tell me. Pus he admitted he had a problem cociane. These things I never knew about any of it. Needless to say I was hurt... Anyways after he was busted he said sorry once, and then went on to tell me it was my problem to get over all his cheating, and not being there. It was my responisbility to let it go for hte sake of our child-not said nicely to me at all. He never really took accountability for it. It was my fault bc I was hormonally crazy from being prego...

lately bc i will not get back together with him, he has gone on a perseonal vendetta to piss me off. Told all his friends that I am crazy, psycho, and a stalker. So now I get made fun of, and told I am crazy by people we know. I dont talk to anyone he knows btw. It sucks. I did the right by leaving, but he makes me feel crazy for doing so.

Leaving him and the emotional abuse was insane. I never knew how much he really broke me until I was out. I had no strenght and I fell apart. he kept on living his life like nothign bad happened bc of him. It was all me. everything I did or say, when we were in a realtiship was twwisted to make it look like I was crazy. A guy who takes off for 3 days straight without even calling to see if his kid is okay or even me would start to piss someone off.

Anyways lately he has been telling me he has changed and that he see sthings. But still will nver put me first. telling em he wil lstand by his buds, the same ones who mocked me and called me crazy and that I need to deal with it to be with him. I told him I am not despreate....go on and get gone.

What I am struggling with, is if it was such a bad realtionship, why amd I having such a bad time letting go? Some days are okay, but others are so painful and hard. I miss him all the time, but when he comes over and jsut sleeps on hte couch and dosent help me i am reminded that he is selfish...I wanna let go, but dont know how.

sweetcaroline51 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 523 Location: Canada

hi Haullee,
I am sorry for your pain.
What he is doing to you right now is called hoovering. In other words, trying to 'suck you back in". Read about it in the information pages.
This journey of letting go is tough-no question about it. What makes it more difficult is having him around. I realize you have a child together but why does he go and sleep on your couch? I am assuming he is there to see his child but that is the wrong thing to allow him to do. Let him see his child elsewhere. If you continue to allow him into your home and into your life, it will be impossible for you to heal. You have taken the first step by leaving him if I understand correctly. That is great. But that also means really leaving-and not allowing him into your life unless it is related to your child. You must implement no contact for your own sanity as hard as that is. If you can let him go and have no contact with him your head will begin to clear and you will be able to think clearly. You are still in the N fog . These men do not change-ever. Do not believe him . If you continue to have contact with him you will live a life of misery. No contatc is the only way and with time, you will heal. Seperating from an N when you have a child will be alot more difficult but you should only communicate minimally and when you must with regard to you child-and that is the only time you should ever have to speak to him period. Do yourself a favour-kick his ass out -you deserve to live a good and healthy and happy life which you will never have with him. He has also begun the smear campaign-typical of a true N. Ignore it-and tell anyone and everyone who tells you anything he said that you do not want to hear it because it is all lies. Playing his game is giving him the narcissistic supply that he craves. Don't play his game. IGNORE. Good luck
_________________
Caroline

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

It has been 10 months and I still feel attached to him. I have driven everyone I know crazy, and somepeople have bailed on me bc they dont understand. Last night my mom called and said she was going to call around for me to see a psychologist bc she said I am not who I used to be and that se can see me dieing. That scared me...

How is it far that men can do this to women? He took advantage of me and my fragile state. At one point he would yell at me that i was victim, and a bad mom, he was worried abotu me and my abilities. Once told me that my mom (birth) killed herself so she coulg get away from me. I remember those things, but dont belive them. I just remember how much they hurt. The mroe the I cried and begged him to stop yelling at me the more he seemed to smile.

No one knows this side, and I do. I dont want him back. I am just in such shock that all of this has happened and taken so much from me.

BTW I am educated with a degree, and a good govt job. I am not a victim by any means. I take care of myself, and created options. I knew one day I would leave, but to find the courage to leave was by far the hardest things I have ever had to do.

There are days when the fog lifts and I am okay. He seems to have a radar for those days bc he comes around then and plays with what littel emotions i have left for him....

Maybe I am jsut venting, but I appreciate the ability too. I need to get my lfie back.

sweetcaroline51 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 523 Location: Canada

Trust me Haullee, I think we all still care and feel tremendous love for the N's-until we get away from them. IMO. you are going to have to make a decision. Whether you will continue with him in your life or not. Period. I can tell you that the best predictor of future beahvior is past behavior-they do not change. It is an extremely hard and painful journey getting over an N. They are cruel and evil and you have suffered abuse. You will get through it but not if you keep allowing him in your life. Stop the dance now. I think a psychologist is a perfect prescription for you . There is no easy way out of this-just one day at a time.
_________________
Caroline

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

Yes you are right....I am out of here, I am actually thinking of applying for my masters prgram out of the city so that the courts and everyone will see a valid reason for leaving, not out of anger....

today he sent me like 10 messages about noting...one was hey.....over and over for like 10 times. 5 were songs about how he feels for me...etc. I showed my coworker the three times he called in 1/2 hr and she agreed this is crazy. I need to move and not tell him where.....

Stand4Change · Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 60

Lucky you if you can move and not tell him where. Remember the times we live in and how easy it is to find someone. If he wants to keep you around through your child, he may pursue you legally and you could lose custody, maybe depends on what state you live in and if his name is on the birth certiicate, etc. I dont konw. You need to seek legal and emotional aid.

I know I am not supposed to be one of those victims either. Take my advice, contact your local abuse support shelter and ask if they have support group meetings you can attend. Don't assume you don't qualify for help. Just ask questions and get answers.

haullee · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

FOr the most part I make things pretty normal for my daughter. I take the moajority of everything on....it sucks

He is a broke joke so if he wants to pursue me legally he can try...but bc I know who he is, and not bc of him being her father, I will make it difficult for him. I will use my motherly rights and instincts to protect my daughter...yes he does see her, but truthfully I notice that if I dont make a stink about him coming to see her he dosent. He likes her when it is easy. So one night a week he sees her. He doesnt btoher me abotu any mroe time...so I jsut leave it like that...