Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

abdeble · Joined: 23 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

My mother has tried to use my daughter to hurt me. She told her that my husband and I are bad parents and she would be better off living with her. this is not an isolated incident. I want to confront my mom and cut off all contact with her. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just found out about my mom being a Narcissist. All this time I thought I was to blame. Now she is attacking my children. Please help. Thanks abdeble

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 486

Do what you need to but ultimately confrontation doesn't work. NC or limit contact as much as possible -- even if NC is not plausible you can still limit it by not initiating contact, keeping conversations brief and impersonal (apply the JADE rule) and by refusing to play chess with the insane. You can't win because the game is played on their terms and their terms are such that the outcome is predestined. Victory is walking away.

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 371

Hi abdeble and welcome. Most (or all) of us have found that confronting a Narcissist is an unproductive and frustrating exercise in futility (although sometimes we just have to do it anyway). That is, if you mean confront her with her Narcissism. She won't hear, won't see, won't acknowledge a single point of what you say.

If you mean you want to confront her with your intentions to stop taking her c**p and start taking care of you, the stand you take will be tested.

My advice is, first get her toxic influence out of your life. Cut off contact NOW, if you can, and deal with the confronting later, if you must. Don't JADE---Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. It's hard not to, you want closure, you want them to SEE, but they won't.

This board is full of wise and caring people who will support and guide you if you keep in touch. How old is your daughter? Can your NM contact your daughter without your knowledge? Can you stop it? How does your daughter feel about NM?

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

I was in a confrontation with my mom. It did not solve anything, she took what was said and twisted it around and then told others these lies. It will not help. Like Thay said, walk away....you will keep your sanity.

wishing you the best,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

aerodynamics · Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 1

It took confronting my mother in order to fully "flush her out", so to speak, as a full-blown narcissist. As a teenager things became increasingly unstable in my home until I confronted her. I told her (with sincerity and with love) that I thought that she, and our relationship, would benefit from professional help. Not knowing all of the ins and outs of narcissitic personalities, I was utterly unprepared for her defensive, accusing, infuriated response. When she quoted "honor thy mother and thy father" at me, I knew for certain that there would be no reasoning with her.

I have never since tried to confront her again. I avoid her as much as possible. It is truly amazing what good being away from her has done for my life, my outlook, and my self-image.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

I agree whole heartly with all the advise given here. I second the JADE, and second, the NC. I had to go through the same with my kids, they are much older now, but when they were little, my NM said and did same. Brainwashing, is what I call it. N's are famous for this tactic. I limited contact when they were little, and monitored when they were present with her. I called her on the carpet when I caught her doing it. She was as N's are defensive, liar, etc. My children grew to know who and what exactly kind of character she is. They are now, one grown, and two teenagers, and they always knew she was not right. Kids are very smart, and intuitive, and know. Maybe they can not tell you outright, but they love mommy and daddy, and if someone would say mean things, they don't like it. I used to say to my N mother, "we all really love the kids, we have that in common, so on a common note, don't say and do things that would upset them". I refraim from giving my personal opinions of you around them, and you can either, refraim, or not see them. Its your choice. You have to be strong, but for our kids, we can be lions.
Best of luck

bubblers · Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 26

Stop calling her, give no information on whats going on with you or your kids lives, be very vague with any questions regarding your family. You will never get the satisfied feeling of her ACTUALLY REALIZING what she did and that she is wrong. It will NEVER happen. I confronted my mom and told her everything I went through as a child and why I left her to live with my dad at a young age and she said... "I know what this is ALL about, you're jealous." Me..."What are you talking about, jealous of WHAT?" Mom... "My new TRUCK."
Me...1998 Chrysler Sebring Convertible in 2000
Mom... 1990 Nissan Pathfinder in 2000
Who's got the "New" vehicle?
Point is there is no point in confronting a narcissist, you'll never get any where and my dad always said "Never argue with an idiot as a onlooker can't tell the difference."

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 663

I agree with everyone here. Confronting a Narcissist will just cause them to be angrier and more hateful towards us.. They will never admit fault without an excuse for their behavior. They will even start slandering us to other family members to make themselves appear like the victim and us as the "unforgiving jerk" In their twisted minds they are the King and Queen of their universe and we were put on this planet to serve them and bow down to them no matter what!... Or else..." "Off with your head!"
They don't see us or anyone else as being equal to them. As far as a N is concerned we have as much rights as a rock. Does anyone ever consider the needs of a rock or if a rock is suffering? No. Our needs don't even come up on their radar screen.. They can from time to time do what is expected of them, they can go through the motions and sometimes fool people but it's all for the camera. You can't get blood from a turnip so confronting an N in hopes they will be remorseful or empathize even for a second is futile..
If they do act remorseful, remember it's an ACT and 2 seconds later they will be acting the same way again... Or the confrontation will turn on you and you will be the bad guy.... I do agree though, a confrontation can flush out a N. It took a heated confrontation with my NM for the light bulbs to come on for me and for me to realize she is really disordered...She didn't respond like normal people do... That's when I learned she was an N... Occasionally I have confronted her since then. I have stopped caring wether she slanders me to the rest of the family, most of which are also wacky. I confronted her a few months ago when I went NC.. I told her she is an N...and to look up the words Narcissist personality disorder...I felt I got it off my chest so it was good for me... Her response was so N though, she brushed it off... no big deal to an N... they don't even care how screwed up they are... In their grandiose fantasy they are perfect.. and always will be...

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

I agree with everything Lynn writes, to a tee. I will add also that the my experience with my N M was exactly the same, but heres a twist. My NM likes to take MY accomplishments, and how I parent my children, and my marriage, and my business, and uses it to tell people that she POSSES these qualities, and then spins, that I AM the N, and I AM the selfish, bad, not a good mother, etc. Its like she is stealing my identity all the time. She had a dsyfunctional marriage, and she slanders me and says that MY husband, is contoling, and abusive, and that I AM in his control. All the things that she the N is and does, she even goes behind my back (this is the latest) and call my lender where my mortgage is, and tells lies, gets my contractors, and suppliers, in an uproar over lies she tells. Its a great tactic and it works. It take a bit of time, to get back around to me, but she has done it before, and I am not important enough to have anyone else dig as deep as she does, and shovel as much shit as she does. Her mission in life, is to destroy me, my marriage, my kids, and my life. I am NC for years, and she is still on my back. My move to another state further away and such, will derail the games, as they are too easy for her with me in the same state, and approx. 20 miles away. She stalks me, she calls people and spreads ficious lies, she basically alignenates me and my family in our community and such. She parades that she is the poor mother whos daughter and such, is just so wrong. Like I have all the problems that she has. She sits alone now in her life, with no marriage, cuz she married and OLD man, and took all his money, and her two daughters don't like her. My sister does the pity visit from time to time, and such. I am NC, and she is still stirring up trouble. It will never end, unless she stops breathing. My life is like a "Lifetime movie gone bad". And thats been my endless experience with my N. Never to go away. I feel like exploding, I am mad at GOd, I loose my patience, and cry many many days. AND I AM SURE SHE IS HAPPY. THe more miserable I am and that she can cause, the happier and such she feels. It is twisted, and I am a child who can say, honestly, that I hate her. From the bottom of my soul, I wish her gone off the face of the earth so I could just BE.
Peace

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 663

Hi Baby Kay...wow.. I never thought of the stealing our identity bit but my mother does that too.. She projects her wacky self image onto me and my husband.. My NM also says my husband is controlling.. I do tend to be more passive...Geez,,, a learned behavior from Control freak Number #1, my dear NM.. My husband however is NOT Controlling. My husband is very thoughtful and careing and the opposite of her.. Probably why she slanders him.. He actually loves me and NM is jealous and I think his kindness exposes her evil ways and exposes that she is an evil mother.. My husband said that last year before I knew my NM was an N, when we went to visit my NM, NM would sit across the room with fear in her eyes! He thinks she has always feared that she would be exposed for all the crap she did to me.. I think she did fear that one day I would have a revelation and be out for revenge! We are both lucky I live out of state because from time to time I feel like kicking her in the a**! I doubt I would go there, because I feel she is so pathetic, i would just let her be.. NC right now is my greatest revenge! My NM also tried to break up my marriage by sladering my husband to me and placing doubt and distrust in my head about him... Now I realize her game.. It pisses me off that the one good thing in my life she tried to destroy, and almost succeeded!
My sister also does the pity visit, or when she does visit, she is in and out.. my NM almost always brings up some negative crap to my sister, like she is getting fat..(even when she was thin) or complains about her friends or points out something wrong with her life....so my sister just visits like a world-wind... She blows through and out in just a few minutes.. ofcorse it's still enough time for NM to unleash her N=ness.
Baby-kay.. I also at times wish my NM was dead... I don't like the fact that she slanders me.. lately, i haven't given a damb for the most part.. The only person it pisses me off the most about is when she says crap about me to my sister.. But, I trust if my sister is sane she will one day wake up to it too... I have already told my sister that if my NM was to die, NM is sick, then I either wouldn't go to her funeral or would only have a few curse words to say that day...Most likely I won't go. I didn't go to my step-dad's funeral. He was almost as bad as her...He was an alcoholic, drug addict, who carried out her orders and occasionally back handed me across the room for minor infractions...

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

Lynn,
I am in complete shock!!!!! So many times, I log on this forum and I literally read someone elses words, and its like its my life. Its freaky and cool. We do all have soul sisters in the world. Who would have thought that you would have the same kind of N I do. My NM also is weird around my husband. She claims before we got married her and I had a "wonderful" relationship. I didn't pay her much attention before. WOW.
Thanks for sharing, share more.
Kim

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 168

Lynn,
I am in complete shock!!!!! So many times, I log on this forum and I literally read someone elses words, and its like its my life. Its freaky and cool. We do all have soul sisters in the world. Who would have thought that you would have the same kind of N I do. My NM also is weird around my husband. She claims before we got married her and I had a "wonderful" relationship. I didn't pay her much attention before. WOW.
Thanks for sharing, share more.
Kim