Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

How was your Mother's Day?
This Mother's Day was the first Holliday I didn't contact my mother.. The last 2 hollidays I had contacted her and both ended up as a disaster and she pissed me off both times. On christmas she said something negative to my husband, totally unprovoked and on her Birth day she was unreachable and never had the decency to call me back after I left her a message.. Then about almost 2 weeks later she called out of the blue asking for money for something, never mentioning the Birthday message.. and she started pressuring me for money.. not for bills but for a church related trip she wanted to go on...which who knows, with her could have been bogus? I have no trust in her.
So, I had no desire to put myself through the pain of being used, lashed out at, ignored, and manipulated again. So, I didn't call and have been NC for 3 months... I know for me there is no relationship to go back to, we never really had one.. just a false belief for me for so many years that she cared. but it's too clear now she doesn't and I don't have the urge anymore to reach out and be abused.. I have let our relationship go and I feel ok with that.. I have even quit morning wanting to have a mother figure... Lately my mood has been good and I haven't given her much thought but Mothers day sent me into tears.. the anger and hurt bursted out of me.. How dare she treat me the way she did when all I did was love her back...She pushed me away all the time growing up...She never wanted me to even sit next to her. She would say I cling to her to discourage any closeness. I learned not to hug, touch or even sit next to her yet my heart longed for all of the above. I knew as a child I was shut out of her life.. yet I kept trying to enter it.. But with an N there is no way to enter... I recalled some childhood memories and spent the morning crying..not wanting to go to Mothers Day with my inlaw. Not because I was jealous. I just didn't want to face the question.. "did you talk to your mom today? How is she doing?" I didn't want to be false. I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to face any questions.. Luckily my husband worked late the night before and he cancelled visiting.... not on my account...
My husband and I talked and he had an in-lightening observation. When I was growing up being abused, neglected, and tormented by mother although I didn't have any siblings at the time I had a very close friend I could talk to and who I know loved me.. I didn't receive love at home but I received love from her... My husband and I both believe that my mothers abuse at the hands of her parents was worse than mine. She had an abusive N father and a mother in denial who sepperated the kids and forced them not to comfort eachother.. they were sent to their sepperate rooms and could never vocalize discontent.. My grandmother would shut my mother out and seperate the kids.. We believe my mother had nobody to turn to so she turned inward.. She had no close girlfriend or sibling to cry to.. My grandmother devided the siblings to keep them from uprising, contesting, or comforting eachother.. My grandmother pretended like nothing was going on.."gaslighting" her kids to act like everything was peachy... Unfortunately, she created a monster and so did my grandfather... This was my Mothers day revelation. I had someone to turn to a friend. my mother became her own friend and turned to herself... I feel really terrible.. The family dynamics makes me sick... I can't stand my mother and can't have her in my life to abuse me.. but I feel sorry for her and a piece of me will always love her just because she gave birth to me and for whatever God given reason our paths crossed.. now our paths are going in a different direction. I wish to leave my past behind yet it's always there chaseing me down... Thanks for listening to me vent.

bubblers · Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 27

Hi Lynn, this Mothers Day is also the first one I've not contacted NM. My in-laws came up and we spent Sun. at the resort we got married at last year. Huge buffet and we spent the afternoon at the waterpark swimming and going down the waterslides. Fun fun. But, yes, I did get the "So, have you called your mom?" From other family members that were there. My answer, "Nope, haven't talked to her since Easter." I read somewhere that it's no use trying to explain to someone why you have NC with your N, but the people close to you will already know why.
Whenever there's a holiday coming up I always try and make sure there's something planned to do...a long vacation, a weekend away, staying with friends, that way if there ever is the, what are you doing for "Whatever" holiday from my NM, we're busy, we have plans. As my NM and all her Brothers and Sisters have gotten older, there are less invites to their family events as they have their own kids and grandkids at their houses. Well, she didn't want nothing to do with me or my brother growing up, so we want nothing to do with her. I've made my own life and nothing pleases me more than just saying NO to her. I try to surround myself with friends and family I love and who love me.
I do know how you feel though Lynn, some days are good and some are not so good. When I wonder if I've made the right decision to go "almost" NC, I think to myself, "Would I let anyone else treat me this way? A friend? A neighbor? A Co-worker? HECK NO. I'd file charges for physical abuse, emotional damage, harrassment, the list goes on. I hope the week goes better for you, and as bad as yesterday was, just think, it WOULD have been worse if you had called her. Bubblers

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Lynn....

You know how I grew up. My father divided and conquered, none of my siblings trusted the other. I know the pain you are in and the only thought that comes to my mind is....you know how not to treat a child. I believe you can not completely leave youre past behind, it is what has made you, you.
I hurt for what I can not have but I am also grateful for my past, grateful that I survived all the abuse. It taught me what not to do to my children and because I did not....it ended with me, my children, grandchildren are healthy and well adjusted.
I did not send a card and although part of me feels guilty, part of me feels a little at peace.

hugs,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

Hi lynn,
You have very interesting observations and your are right on. When I realized the same thing I was shocked and scared that if I did not see little bit of love I would turned out to be just like them. My father loved me before he left and I knew how it felt to be loved. N-es do not know how it feels like to be loved. And they do not have any love to give away either.

Mother's day was hard for me too. This is the first time ever I did not contact her on the Mother's day. I guess I am ready to let go and knowledge that I have never had a mother. Only when you are ready you can take this step and you and I looks like have taken this step yesterday, on Mother's day.
I feel scared for some reason. Why shouldn’t I? In her book I have now officially done something really really bad.

Hang in there Lynn. Congratulations on your 3 month NC. Looks like you have done a lot of good work. I know this because I was not on the board for 2 month or so.

You are making some really good, healthy changes in your life. It is obvious.
Hug,
PL

Serenity710 · Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 84

Hi everyone,

Mother's Day is very hard if you've got an NM. I've got one -- been more or less NC for the past almost 6 years.

Even though I am a mother now, Mother's Day is still hard. I love my NC and my peace -- but there is always a little twinge of guilt.

However, my NM is such a narcissistic pig that the twinge fades quickly when I think of the abuse, the complete self-centeredness, the gradiosity. I was reading the thread about is it full-blown NPD or is it N traits -- my NM definitely has the full-blown basket case variety.

My NF has had moments of lucidity -- in which he can empathize for a short time. But NM -- never. No emphathy. Just empty. I agree that one can really "feel" the difference.

Sung to the song of "If you're happy and you know it" ...

"If she's Wacko and you know it stomp your feet"
(She's an N)

I'm stomping right now

Take care,
Serenity

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

PL... Sounds like you have made a lot of healthy changes and progress too! without this board and everyone here I couldn't have had the strength to go NC... Hugs to you...I'm proud of what you have accomplished even while you were away... I agree with you they don't know how it feels to be loved and they don't have any love to give away either...

Bubblers... I guess you, me and PL are in the "First Mother's Day NC Club!"
Hugs... Sounds like you had a nice Mother's day.. I think the key is... to do something special with your loved ones and create new loving memories with them.. =) Instead of like me... crying and staying in bed in am and avoiding people wishing i could give my NM a special Mothers Day present.. A swift kick in the a** ! LOL...

Justme... you are right.. the positive thing that has come out of our past for us is realizing that we don't want to treat other people the way we were treated and breaking the cycle of abuse for those who come after us.. You sound like a loving mommy and Grandma... Hey when is your son's baby coming? Should be pretty soon, right? Hugs...

Serenity..You are so funny! Your song really cracked me up! LOL..
My NM is definately the Full Blown Basket Case Variety also!
I am so happy about one thing... I didn't feel guilty for not calling my NM on Mothers Day.. I knew that she would have used it as an opertunity to hurt me by complaining about my gift or not mentioning it, lashing out, manipulating me, not picking up the phone, or not returning my phone call..(one of the above) and the list goes on... so I didn't feel even a little bit guilty... It was a liberating feeling since I am usually racked with guilt!!

margaret · Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 2

Hi, I am new here and have read a few posts becasue I jut had abad mother's day with my mother. I was wondering what NC meant? Is it non-contact? I can't quite work it out.
Margaret

bubblers · Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 27

Margaret, it means No Contact, none at all, through phone,email,letters,cards or through other people. It is the only way for most of us to cope with our N's. Bubblers

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

No Contact, is the only most of us, can heal. And to keep the N parents from continuing the damage and abuse they do. It is something, that here, is the best known way to stop the N from using us for their N supply.
Although, I have read some posts, that blow me away with some people who can have contact, and not be continually hurt, there are some who can manage this. I am not one, but some do...................I wonder at what cost. Seems to me, that it would keep me in the loop with my N.

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 409

lynn1234,

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 393

First NC Mother's Day for me, too. Bought a card, didn't send it, felt a little guilty, had a weird sort of guilty dream which I don't remember. Spent the day with nice relatives. The guilt eventually faded, and whatever residue is left over is something I can live with.

Like every day ISN'T Mother's Day for her anyway!?

margaret · Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 2

Thanks for answering my NC query, I kinda figured it was No Contact but couldn't be sure.
I have elected to have contact with my NPD mother. She has terminal cancer but is not needing nursing at this stage. I will not be taking over any actual nursing duties when the time comes, she does not deserve it. I am not the kind of person that can leave her alone (she has no-one) but now I know she has NPD it has been very empowering. i also had a good therapist who understood the workings of these people's minds. I no longer get caught up with her games, although she is still startling in her self-absorption. I had a "bad" mother's day because the weather did not suit having a BBQ and for the first time since therapy I decided what SHE and I were doing on Mother's Day and I guess I was all gee'd up about it and felt down because I couldn't exercise my new found muscle against my mother. I am no longer the human pretzel, feeling guilty and trying to please this black whole of unfullable love and attention. I can understand why many of you have to have no contact. You need to look after yourselves. Margaret

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

6th Mother's day with NC. And what a wonderful joy!!!! It is nice to be able to feel the "real" meaning of such holiday. I am the Mother, and I get cards, and presents, and all. I waited mostof my childrens life to have this. And I knew someday all my holidays would resonate with the goodness, and not set me up for another go around of disappointment with NM. I talked to my sister who, spent time with our NM, and she can only handle her for short periods of time. She informed me, it didn't go so well, and she had to cut it short. GEE, I wonder why???????
At any point, happy mothers day to all who are mothers, and make some time in the future holidays to honor yourself, instead of feeding the N's supply by setting yourself up for more of their insane behaviors. Peace to all, and the next holiday coming up, Father's day. Boy, the calender knows what its doing??? Might as well get them both out of the way.
Peace