Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

I think I'm doing several things to sabotage myself as a result of my experience with the N.

My therapist agrees.

The question is, how do I stop?

For instance, my business is going down the tubes. I'm exhausted. I have no motivation. But I had a light bulb moment the other day in reading an old journal entry that referred back to my break up with my N. He told the other woman, "Knoxy will be fine - she has the business."
Shocked

As if that's all I needed... as if it gave him a green light to do what he did...

I am wondering if I'm letting the business die to prove a point?

I know it sounds weird, but I've been a hard worker my WHOLE life. I've always been a scrapper - always had high expectations of myself in business and pretty much always followed through. Now, I feel like this whole other person who could give a rat's buttcheek.

No matter what I do, I can't turn it around. I start stuff and don't finish it. I have a shrink and an exec coach and nothing seems to be working.

And the situation with Michael - I clearly sabotaged that. It was blatant sabotage. That one I feel I have my head around a bit more...

I dunno... just thinking out loud. Any of you experience this? Maybe I'm being too hard on myself (as I often am...).

xoxoxoxo

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

It sounds like a typical case of depression/exhaustion/depletion to me. It's hard to pump energy in to something when you have none to give. I never felt as exhausted as i did the first days I broke up w/ my ExN. All the "holding on" just fell away and the exhaustion was left. I slept for days, napped, etc. Don't be so hard on yourself! Your Ex was hard enough on you for a lifetime I can only guess!

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

It's been almost a year. Sad

I guess I just keep thinking as I'm feeling better, the rest immediately follows.

What's worse is my business partner is exhausted too. Her husband was sick last year and just had surgery about a month ago.

I need to turn it around. I can't let the exN win. I've taken TONS of vacations, followed the Foo Fighters around the country (seriously) and partied like a rock star after a solid cocooning. I just wish I could get it together.

What we resist persists, I guess.

Thanks for answering. I am EXTREMELY hard on myself and I'm only just noticing this. I appreciate you pointing this out - I need to open one of my SARK books again. Smile

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Thanks Matilda.

I posted an update here and on the SARK forum about the man I was seeing. We met over the weekend and smoothed things over. We are friends - although I think there is potential for more still. I'm just taking it one day at a time and retreating to work on myself. I do think the whole experience was great for me - although I do have a TON of sting left feeling like I effed it all up. But the other reality is, if my emotional tourettes episode makes him run, he's not a man I need... Cognitively, I know that...

That perfectionism bullcrap just sits there. I didn't realize it was so prevelant - but in the last year - man - it's really showing up and screaming "this is a PROBLEM, KNOX!"

Anyhow, the work thing - I'm actually taking a ton of cousel, but to be honest, I'm not DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT, which is driving me CRAZY.

Not making the business calls.
Not marketing my business.

I feel stuck and completely frozen.

I just have to make myself move forward. I have to. But every day, I feel like I put it off.

So today, I have a plan to make at least 15 contacts. And I will. I can hire a billion shrinks and coaches - but if I don't pick myself up by the bootstraps and DO IT, all of it is useless.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

I am kind of in analysis paralysis mode. I've NEVER been this way in my entire life. It's so annoying.

Thanks Matilda, I adore your mug.

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 409

Knoxy,

I hear ya, everything you have said about the sabotage thingy, it is hard after being in an abusive relationship, our self esteem, self confindence and self worth are just kicked all to hell.

We get into these modes where all we do is self doubt cause hey we were conditioned to think like that....and it is damn hard, damn frustrating to NOT do what you have done for so long.

It is comfortable in a way, why do something different? If we do we might get hurt in a different way that we are not used to and that is scarey as all heck. So we stick to comfortable, what is familar, cause we know how that will turn out.

IMO, it is fantastic that you have reconized how you deal with certain things...it is the first step into healing...if you don't reconize it how can you change it?

Please do not be so hard on yourself though...you have been through so much and this may sound a little funny but whatcha need i s to give yourself a big hug!

Cause sweetie, you will have your good days but you will also have your days when you stumble a bit, you may fall back to the old way of doing things and that is ok...that just means that is something you need to learn about you.

Your life is a journery...a journey to learn about yourself.

Think you are doing great.

Hugs
Gabs
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Lukky · Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 2407

Hey Knoxy.....

You know I remember back to when I first started out in all this and how I truly believed my career was about to go down the tubes!! I had myself convinced of that and things started happening that even further convinced me that!!.. more about that in a min!! LOL

I was exhausted and emotionally drained to the point of being almost totally dysfunctional. Even feeding my kids seemed like a chore and going to work on the days I bothered, darn near did my head in with how bad my concentration was and the tremmor crap I had going on. Help the phone just needed to ring and I was shaking in my boots!!

So I started taking more time off than what I was there because I just didn't have the energy to do it anymore. I was seriously worried about making a serious error and the thought terrified me!!

Then all the B/S started ( a while down the track) and a couple of my work collegues started talking crap to my Boss and she decided in 'my' best interests that she should pull the disciplinery line on me!! It happened just as I was starting to come right and able to function at a more acceptable level professionally.

Down I crashed again and PTSD symptoms back in full flight!! I detested the woman at the time for putting me through that stuff where I was answerable to higher Management. All these thoughts ran through my mind in that ExNH had succeeded in taking me down and blah blah blah.. I got myself on a total roll of negative thinking and talking myself into something that might never happen.

It all centred round a comment I had once said to ExN. I said to him "You know N, you may have destroyed me in many many ways but one thing you will never destroy is my career!!" Ohhhh yeppp,,, I started getting paranoid then about that statement I had made and thought it was coming back to haunt me!! LOL

To cut a long story short I got angry then!! I woke up and thought NO F*&king way am I gonna let my career go without a fight and fight I did!!
I got the Union Lawyer in and pulled all stops to make sure my name was cleared fully. I made sure I was at work everyday and I did the best darn job I possibly could. I succeeded!! My name got cleared and my Bosses didnt have a leg to stand on when I was all done!!

Recently my Boss that started all that stuff came and apologised to me for putting me through that. She is going through a rotten marriage break up right now and she told me she never ever realised the impact it could have on us professionally. I said to her even though it was a rotten thing she did,, in retrospect she did me a favour!!

Not sure what my point is here Knoxy?? I think what I am trying to say is get angry Gal! All you can do, is do you best and come out with the knowledge that you did your best and you did it with no regrets??

You rock ok?? You are an awesome person who generates incredible energy into your words?? I believe you can put that energy into your business again,, I truly do!!

Many Hugs

Lukky
_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Tears.

Thank you.

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

Knoxy,

Sometimes the road to get unstuck is paradoxical and it's accepting right where you are at with no judgment. "I'm feeling stuck right now and I'm just going to allow myself to fully feel what it feels like to feel so stuck". Sometimes the trying to push past whatever "state" we are in, we're actually paralyzing ourselves further. Am I making sense?

Sometimes the answer comes in not resisting "what is".

I know, being a small business owner dependent on my business for my livelihood myself, you feel different pressures.

Maybe something like journaling about what that "voice" feels like, giving it full permission, with nothing but curiosity to express what it feels like to feel so stuck, in full detail. Maybe what that part needs might reveal from that? Just some thoughts off the top of my head....

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1327 Location: Connecticut, USA

Knoxy, I can totally relate. I am also a business owner struggling to allow myself to succeed. The XN and I started it together 14 years ago, and it was wildly successful. At the beginning of the divorce negotiations, we reached a verbal agreement that he would buy me out, and I would go back to school to pursue a new career in teaching. Of course, he reneged. Not only that, he closed down the business, informing our customers that we no longer exist as a business. At first, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, just sort of let it lie there. Then I slowly began to try to bring it back. I had already enrolled in school, so I hired part-time help to get me through the semester. Now I am in final exams, and the business has picked up to the point where I am struggling to juggle work, school, and parenting. But I find myself focusing more than I should on my classes, and less on the business. My grades are A+, higher than necessary. I would give myself a C in business.

One of the hardest parts for me has been dealing with the ghosts that surround me at work. We were once a thriving company. We even built the business it's own extravagant office attached to my house, a veritable shrine to our success, built above a new 3-bay garage, a shrine to his Porsche. We had a busy office, employees, and did over $3 million a year in sales. Now it's all I can do to drag my butt up those stairs every day. I spend much of my time working and living alone, feeling like I'm trapped in a castle tower. Not only was I left with no means of support to continue my education, and a business that is barely holding its head above water, I am court-ordered to pay the XN a huge sum each month to fund the competing business he has since opened across town. Apparently, the judge thinks the XN will be more successful at this than I will be, and I can sit back and collect the alimony when he is.

I know that I need to succeed at this, and the only thing holding me back is me. I'm not sure how to get past this psychological barrier, but I will most definitely find a way. In the meantime, I am putting one foot in front of the other, doing my best at any one given moment. Sometimes though, my best is walking away. I think that when I feel strong urges to walk away from the business for a moment, an hour, or a day, I have to follow those feelings, otherwise the emotional damage will build. I have to go easy on myself. I find that over time, I am able to do more and more.

Like anything else, I think you just have to give it time. You don't have to be 100% on 100% of the time. If turning your focus away from your business for a while is the right thing for you, will you still have enough income to get you through that period? If you follow your heart, focus on the parts of your life that your heart guides you to, you will be better equipped to re-enter the business ready for battle. And if there's anything we have learned from all of this, it's that some things take time, more time than we would like to allow them, but there it is. Time.

Trust that you sabotaged your relationship for a good reason. You've just gotta trust that. Again, time.

Thanks for posting this. It helped me to see once again that I'm not alone, that others are facing the same sort of struggles that I am, that maybe, just maybe, my feelings are normal and appropriate to my experiences. (What a concept!).

I see you as a very strong woman. Your energy shines with every post, even when you're feeling down. I believe that what you are feeling is also normal and appropriate, and that you will come through this stronger and better than ever, the "New Knoxy". Look out, world.

lonnielynn · Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 246

disengaging · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 1341

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Thank you, everyone.

It is really helpful to hear about other business owners and the effects this N situation has made on their productivity, heart, etc.

I am trying to focus on moving forward. But honestly, I'm just having a horrible time right now. It is what it is. I've done some pretty major back sliding after the blow up with the boy I was dating. I'm quite surprised and most definitely humbled by it. But truth be told, the work stuff has been going on all year.

I promised myself I would have tons of fun this year and I have. I've seen the Foos about 7 times - been to Orlando, Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle, the Grammys - going to Portland and Austin in the upcoming months for the Foos. Met Dave Grohl and hugged him twice (if he'd just marry me, everything would be okay! Smile

). Seen tons of concerts, dated, spent TONS of money on clothes and things to reinvent myself, HUGE amounts of money on therapy and coaching... I have had a lot of fun, done a ton of self improvement and whatever I could to heal, but the business suffers. And so do I. The sadness remains.

I also spent a good amount of time sitting in it. Letting it flow. Just feeling it.

I do know that this is a "step back to move forward" but man, I'm in the pits.

Anyhow, regarding work, we're a small firm. We started the day before 9/11. We did 5M in business our fourth year. Over the last two years, my business partner and I have been through cancer, major surgeries (her husband), affairs, break ups - you name it.

We're both exhausted.

We're still paying ourselves a good salary, but it's been tough. We still have a really good reputation - we can turn things around, I know it. But I'm scared and that pushes me further into a lack of motivation.

We both work from home. Our consultants are all at client sites. My admins work from home. My business partner does not want an office and prefers to stay in her home. So I need to do this on my own.

I've never, ever, ever had a problem with motivation. I've worked in corporate America climbing the ladder since I was 18 years old. I have never experienced a slump like this in my life.

It's so frustrating for me. And I have this thing going on right now that I'm alone and have no one to support me (financially) - that I am going to end up a bag lady or something. Hilarity - as if I've EVER had support - as if my exN did ANYTHING other than suck me dry financially. As if he even contributed to the household for the last few years. I've been alone for ages and just didn't know it.

Anyhow, I know I need an attitude adjustment. I am working on my dream boards and my positive thinking... just having a HUGE hard time right now. I'm still living in the place that I lived with my ex - maybe I need a change of location. But I keep feeling like I am doing all of these little things to make a difference and they just feel like they AREN'T FRIGGING WORKING! Ugh.

I realize recovery is peaks and valleys. I'm just in a valley. And at some point, I have to do something about it or the business will die and I'll truly be up poop creek without a paddle. I need my "fight" back, I guess.

Thanks for listening and for all of your help. I would go nuts without this joint. Smile

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

I mentioned this on another thread but the book Oprah has been pushing "A New EArth" by Eckart Tolle and the FREE classes online (on her site also Itunes for free) have been a real help/support to me. I just listen to them while doing other projects sometimes or just sit and focus on them sometimes (I'm a multitasker sometimes to my detriment!).

Anyway, hang in there.

If you could make a business happen post 911 you sure have it in ya! Mine CRASHED that following year and in 2 months I will have paid off the debt I had to take just to keep my business afloat (I own a small holistic health center). My income that year was 1/3 of what it had been the previous year...whew, what a time! But it's flourishing again now, thank God.

I couldn't think of what to do at that time so did one thing. Sent out a little folded "newsletter" of sorts to my mailing list (including a coupon) but the most important thing was I put in a HUGE font, the words "have faith" on the outside of the mailing so that's what I sent out in to the world. Mainly for myself I think....anyway, it was an unsettling time for sure but the fact you could make something happen THEN?

This will turn around if it's your destiny...everything will feed it. if your gift is to take you elsewhere, it will pull you in to that too.

I'll close with something I just heard at a conference last month about the word YES. The speaker (Rev. Sheila McKeithen who is awesome) said we have to say "yes" to our gifts and she broke it down to:

Y = Yielding to what is trying to push through us

E = Energetically aligning yourself with your gift

S = Stepping in to your future--what's pulling you in to itself

Just wanted to share that.....hang in there!

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

I got to thinking about this topic some more and realized something that I think is pretty common. The times when I MOST need to take care of myself are the times when I will commonly most NEGLECT myself.

For example, I have been seeing this Naturopath for my thyroid problems over the last year +. I missed my prior appt. with him (see him every couple of months) while I was w/ my ExN. Just spaced it out. Finally got back to see him last month after at least 4 months. He had put me on these supplements in addition to the thyroid med. I take--mostly for stress stuff/adrenals, etc. He asked me how that was going and I sheepishly said I can't remember when I'd last taken them. And I was undergoing SEVERE stress at the beginning of the breakup...and was forgetting to do the most basic of things--take my supplements!

And this is my FIELD! Crazy. He did make me this herbal formula (potion..haha) to "build me up" and I take it twice a day and I swear, don't know if it was a placebo affect or what, but I went back in to my office w/ that bottle, took my first dose and I IMMEDIATELY felt my mood shifting. It was weird as I don't usually respond to things that way. Maybe it was just also symbolic of my mind/body saying "YES" to me finally remembering to do something. I had gone completely blank to the obvious for at least a month...more!

I know I'm not alone in that but just wanted to share it...hope it helps in some way.

cangel · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 314

Knoxy,

I was thinking about you this morning and thought that first I would send you some positive thoughts and then share something that popped into my head.

I went through a huge SAD valley about a year into the end of the N episode (I like you thrived with and stuck to NC). Wondering if it isn't something like that impatient phase you land in when you are getting over an illness and are at about 85% of normal. Feeling better but mad as hell that you aren't feeling 100% normal. I found myself out of the fog, done with the obsessive thinking and ready to move on! Only....really only 85% READY to move on. I still struggle but the valleys are shallower (still too frequent though damn it!)

You probably have a good idea of who you are and what you want now - probably a clearer vision than ever but there is still some lingering junk that needs clearing up. Part of you is screaming OK let's get on with this already but part of you is still healing. I too find that my motivation for certain things - for me work and maintaining my house - has suffered as well. I put that down to some lingering depression but am trusting that as soon as I hit 95% the log jam will loosen and I will zoom up to 100. At least that is what I need to tell myself.

Continue to be kind to yourself - give it more time (don't you hate that phrase!).

Cheers to you!
cangel