Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

recovering_one · Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 7

My husband fits 90% of the descriptions listed on this site for Narcissism and maybe BPD. However, he has one set of behaviors that don't match up. He does not stalk, or harass, etc. when separated....he goes to the other extreme, and behaves as if I never existed (but in a hostile way). Just recently, I needed to obtain an order of protection against him. In order to have the date extended, it required a court-date. My husband was there, and defiantly told the judge to "extend the order for the maximum amount of time". The judge (angry with that little outburst), signed the order for 2 years. I know of his previous life behaviors in which he has cut ties with his father, uncles, cousins, his only sister, past wives, etc.
He seems to know very well that by abandoning people (especially financially or other dependent people) how much damage he is causing. He also seems to be able to cut off his feelings for people. My husband is a true Jeckyll/Hyde personality. One side is nothing like the other side. He fits all other criteria of being a narcissist. He can only recognize what has been done to him (real or imagined), not what he does to create the separation. He also re-writes history, and can easily convince himself that he is the wronged party. Is abandonment a tactic ever used by narcissists?

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2015

Narcissists go through an idealization-devaluation cycle. They idealize, then devalue and discard (abandon).

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. Click on these links to learn more:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faqpd.html

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5000

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4959

Narcissists and Emotions

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5248

Narcissists and Mood Disorders

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5067

Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity
Disorder)?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4950

Narcissists as Drama Queens

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4948

recovering_one · Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 7

When I posted this thread, I had hoped to be in better shape than I am in now, emotionally. I think exposure to an "abandoner Narcissist" adds even more trauma to our experience with a Narcissist. These guys are sociopathic. They very easily can feel no remorse, guilt, empathy. They are easily able to convince themselves (and the next victim) that he is the "wronged' party. My ex told me about how his wife tried to kidnap his 4 year old., and he tried to prevent her from leaving...(later on, I found out the real story....the kid was strapped in his carseat in his FATHER'S van). He injured his wife's shoulder requring medical care. I see the true story, she was sitting in the van, he was harssing her or threatening her, then told her that he was taking the kid. She fought back. What mother wouldn't?? His first wife is in Alabama, and they have two full-grown daughters...I found court paperwork showing the girls were afraid of him (and he DID kidnap these daughters, refusing to take them back to Alabama during a summer visit). He kept them a year! They were 12 and 14 at the time.
Here is my part of the disease, I still miss this Jack A _ _. Sometimes the grief is so intense I sob. Our house is in foreclosure, and he abandoned me and my son (who he thoroughly finessed into treating him like a father)...left us with no money, nowhere to go. He abandoned us, he abandoned the wife in Alabama too. God knows how many more. Once people catch on to him, he is off to the next victim. I pray to forget this person!!! Monster!! I pray for all of you to find release as well. Thanks for posting responses. There aren't that many "Abandoner Narcissists" or not written about on these websites all that much. It goes deeper than his Narcissist Supply running low. These guys get a sick thrill of leaving a woman (and her children) gutted on the side of the road. Then all he feels for us is contempt. I had a good job, a nice rental townhome, I was in school and hadn't dated in 1.5 years. Life was good. Then he came along. He knew exactly what to tell me, he offered family, protection, caring, loyalty, love. You know what he really offered? Control and domination. He had no family that would acknowledge him, so he was easily able to meld into my son's and mine. We were like a little family. My N has a 10-yr. old son, the two boys got along great. (The N's son suffers for his father's actions....he adores my 15 year old). The N looks at his ex's with contempt and loathing. I actually believe he feels that way for all women...but then where would he get his Narcissist Supply?
I move into a little apartment on July 1st. I can't wait to get out of this house. Waking up here is reopening the pain daily. I am frightened about finances, but those months of walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next "emotional apocalypse" (abandonmenbt) was to take place, it was daily torture. Next time I miss him, I hope I can call this up into my mind again. This site and others like it are saving my butt. Keep strong ladies. My abandoner came back (after us splitting for summer 2007 due to his physical abuse) but not until almost 3 months later. He simply could do without me the first few months, but he was starting to feel my absence. I pray that DOES NOT happen again. I lost much more during the second go-around than I did the first separation. Ending a realtionshiop by abandoning or abusing then abandoning is hard on the nervous system. I have PTSD symptoms even two months laterl. I pray to turn the corner soon....and pray the other women here do to.