Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1523

Anxiety: An inevitable outcome of involvement with a sociopath/psychopath
Friday, 9 May 2008 @ 9:03am • My Weblog

According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.

I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance…and so on.

Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:

1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.

O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!

I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.

Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.

I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.

I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”

The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.

My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.

If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.

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written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •

SOURCE: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1327 Location: Connecticut, USA

Thanks, Loux. Illuminating, as always.

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 386

Thank you loux -- this article clarifies a lot of things for me. I was overwhelmed with anxiety toward the end of my relationship with the N..... to the point that I had to see a doctor. Even though I didn't give him the details of what I was going through.....he said something to the effect of, "whatever it is that is making you feel this way, get rid off it!....whatever it is". I will never forget that! It was like he could read it on my face.

Thanks again.

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1523

Hi Nancy and Mildred,

the 'Avoidance Coping' really hit home with me. The anxiety too, but I am not as obsessive and anxious 'feeling' re: the ending of the r/s specifically anymore... but I do still not want to 'go there' re: places we've been, going out much b/c affraid might run into them, and also b/c I just don't feel like I have the energy most of the time. I go to work, nights, 12 hour shifts (which are really 13 or 13.5 hours by the time you wrap everything up), sleep, go to work again... so on my off days I am just so drained. When with N - I wasn't as drained. The nights I was off, I'd sleep during the day, wake up around 5p (which happened to be when he was also getting off work), and we would go to the gym, or go out to eat, cook or hang out, etc... My energy level now is just so low (motivation too), and I'm trying to figure out ways to address that.

If anyone has any ideas to share on how I might be able to improve my energy level - they would be greatly welcomed.

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 386

Hey loux – I was battle ling the same lack of energy/motivation too. I was tired all the time….. didn’t want to do anything but to sleep and watch TV (not depressed – but tired)….. and I couldn’t shake it up. I figured that I had to give my body a chance to recover after the N (I was on high drive all the time while with him). I stopped going to the gym to avoid seeing the N….and I wasn’t getting the exercise that I used to.

A few weeks ago I began running again …. exercising at home on rainy days…… and changed my diet (balanced meal). I’ve been taking vitamins (Green Tea, C, E, antioxidants, etc) and other supplements to enhance my mood (St. John’s Wort) and nervous system (Vitamin B6). I also take melatonin to sleep at night – not only it is a good anti-oxidant in my opinion, it helps me get a natural deep sleep at night).

I feel great now…… with lots of energy………motivated to do the things I used to do.... and I feel healthy again. Don’t know if you’re into natural supplements…. but perhaps you should look into it at a Natural Health Food store. A little exercise will do you VERY WELL also…. Trust me on this one!

Good luck.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1327 Location: Connecticut, USA

Loux, anxiety and avoidance is definitely an issue with me, but it goes way beyond just going out to places we used to go. For me, I'm having trouble succeeding at my business because we used to run it together. I am determined to find a way, though. When I look at all my options, succeeding at my own business is the definite way to go. I too am looking for a way to make it work for me, emotionally.

I'm finally back to being able to cook for my kids and have sit-down meals. That was something we all did together before the breakup, and I didn't even realize I had been avoiding it until I found myself able to do it again.

I found that cutting back on my caffeine actually helped increase my energy level. The caffeine tended to exacerbate the anxiety, causing me to withdraw into escapism. I use Bach's flower essences and herbal teas to calm me down. I walk in the woods every day, and just keep telling myself that I can do this, one step at a time, plopping one foot in front of the other. I think it will get better over time, there is no quick cure.

I am currently writing a term paper for my history course about the emancipation of women. It has been very healthy for me to explore this area. One of the reasons women have been kept down for so long is because each saw their own life's problems as individual to them, without realizing that these were issues of women as a whole. I see myself and my gender-assigned role so much more clearly now, as if a light bulb went off. When we come to realize that our issues are common to a whole segment of society, there seems to be more hope of correcting them. One of the great things about this forum - we're not alone, there are solutions, and we can all work together to help each other find them. Thanks for all you do in helping us find those solutions - you rock.

Nancy

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Loux,

This was an awesome post. You are so wonderful.

I think avoidance is one of the reasons I'm so exhausted. This really hit the nail on the head for me. Once I went NC, I believed I was going to "wash that man right out of my hair" and move on with my life. I did take time to heal, but pushed it full force. Some things just don't happen that way.

Anyhow, thank you for this.

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1523

well maybe the lack of energy and motivation is something many go thru. I thought it was just me, lol.

Mildred, I have been drinking coffee like there is no tomorrow. I was thinking earlier today that I need to cut back - start drinking herbal teas instead (i like hot beverages when I feel drained).

I've been taking vitamins, but not regularly (I forget). I think I'll put a note on my computer "Take your vitamins!!" LOL.

I have been taking Melatonin to help with sleep too - that stuff is THE BOMB!! Wish I had discovered it a long time ago.

Nancy, I took a couple of courses in college way back in the day on Gender Studies. More specifically Women's Studies - about how the roles of women have evolved but yet attitutes still somewhat linger (which is the point I made on another thread and a male member - who's never been conditioned as a woman - minimized it). Courses in this area are very empowering ... because you learn of women who went above and beyond expectations for their generation and time. Truly inspirational. In Nursing, you learn about many wonderful women who broke barriers as well.

I know I am capable... just need to get the energy and motivation on board, LOL.

Knoxy, as always - you rock hun. Love ya to bits. I kinda thought the same about 'washing that man out of my hair'. Somethings just sound or seem easier than they are. No other way to the other side than thru... and we all will make it, I am sure of that. I think we all are willing to do the hard work to get there. Truly some amazing people here. Anyway, I am glad you found this article helpful. I did too.

love all of you,

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Mildred1 · Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 386

Loux -- high five on the melatonin. Not only it helps you go to sleep... but it is supposed to keep you looking young.... Wink

By the way... I was thinking of you while I was exercising tonight. I did a 20 minute 'hardcore' workout that is supposed to burn twice as many calories as running 4 miles. I may have to crawl my way to work tomorrow, but my energy level is very high. I know it is related to the workout...... my brain in finally releasing happy juices again. Try it out for a few minutes a day and see how you feel.

Hugs.
Mildred

thegabrielle77 · Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 409

Loux,

Once again you posted great info for others Very Happy

Great thread.

And then after getting all that wonderful info, you guys start posting such wonderful postive things about eachother...hope ya don't mind but Gabs is going relax right here in this thread for a few...am loving this...the postives....

YOU GUYS ALL ROCK!

Hugs
Gabs
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louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1523

Gabs,

Don't mind one bit!
"There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle; The other is as though everything is a miracle" - Albert Einstein.

I've had enough doom and gloom with that r/s... prefer to see the positive - who knows, might even attract more positive stuff my way Smile

Definitely worth a shot.

Mildred, everyone...

Re: Melatonin - honestly, if any of you are having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, this stuff WORKS! And it's natural to boot.

Mildred,

Never knew that about it keeping you looking young; but I have read research articles about your body's natural sleep/wake cycle, your body's natural production of Melatonin; and articles re: Night workers having increased risks and incidences of cancers and other diseases and how lack of Melatonin is related. Our bodies normally produce Melatonin at night... if you work nights, you disrupt that production which causes lower levels on natural Melatonin in your system. There are alot of recent research articles out there that show a causal link b/t lower levels of Melatonin and certain cancers/other illnesses. The only side effect (that I have experienced) is SLEEP - which is the wanted effect. IMO, can't go wrong.

Re: workin out, I hear ya!! Need to be more committed to a healthier lifestyle, including exercise. Today though, I woke up for the first time in I don't know when WITH energy and motivation. Got alot of things done, and feel GREAT right now. My membership ran out at the gym in April though ... I need to go renew.

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

purplegirl · Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 350

Loux.......I think you post such good threads!
I am in the middle of all of this mess, and when you post, I say oh yeah, that must be why I am doing what I am doing, that is what is going on.
I try very hard to get motivated, but I drag. I think the only thing I am motivated to do right now is eat!!! Yikes!!!!
I need to curb that!
Thanks for your posts, they are most helpful!
PurpleGirl
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WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE
BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 995

Seachelle · Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 73