Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

ohgal · member Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

Ok, here is a question for all of you brave enough to reenter the dating scene after being with an N.
How do you explain your xN's craziness, behavior, the way he continues to try to control you, etc. to any potential date??
I have been divorced 3 and a half years now and haven't even thought about dating. My friends and co-workers think I am nuts, but I know my N! Of course, he has had no problem dating; he is on his thrid girlfriend since the divorce. I just know that he would try to ruin any relationship I would get into. Heck, he even tried to get my friends to not be my friends anymore, can you imagine what he would do if he thought I was in a relationship??
And, how can I honestly expect anyone to want to get involved with me?? I have a five yr old D who has an N dad, and he is a cop none the less. He continues to threaten full custody, tries to manipulate her and has alienated her against me and my mom. NO ONE in their right mind would want to get into this screwed up situation.
I really have no desire to date...I think I have PTSD as far as that goes... but I am curious how any of you that are dating, remarried, etc. explained your N and your situation to your new partner.

Summer · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 923

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NancyCT · Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:11 am Post subject:

There are times when I think I would LOVE to date! I would love to have a companion to go dancing with, cook for, hang out with, have a drink with, generally share things with, all the things I would do with a friend. Then there's sex, something I haven't done in quite some time, and friends are of no help there, LOL.

I'm not afraid to date per se, but I know that if I started to, chances are good I would end up in a "relationship" of some sort, and it would redirect a good amount of my much-needed energy that should otherwise be focused on my children and myself at this time. Rational me wins again, no dating in my near future. So I guess you could say that I'd love to casually date, but the fear of falling into something deeper stops me before I begin. Oh yes, and there's also the factor than no one has been interested in dating me at all. Whatever deformity I wear, it must be God's way of protecting me at this time.

As far as the fallout from my nutbar X, it's a given that it would take a very strong person to become involved with the likes of me and all the baggage I bring to the table. I realize that a guy that special might not be out there at all, so I have no intention of holding my breath waiting. I'll have to accept that it's just not in the cards, and learn to find my own happiness growing in my very own garden, so to speak.

I do look forward to the day when I consider myself healthy enough to entertain the idea of dating. I'm sure that day will come. I don't know that I will necessarily choose to act on it, but I hope to reach the point where I know that I conceivably could if I wanted to.

Stand4Change · member Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 67

I am dating, because we didn't know who we were dealing with. It has been a difficult path. I've often thought I shouldn't have been dating, but we've been together for a long time now and my datee doesn't want to lose me or end this just because of my crazy ex. I think it is better to not get involved with anyone, frees up your time and energy like you said, but I have been able to give my children all my love and energy and they come first always. They know it and he knows it. The generous love and support from my datee has been so valuable to me that I cannot say don't date. I cannot say do date. All I can say is if you are not dating don't start, and if you are, well enjoy every moment of it! It is what it is. Don't look back. Live for today. Prepare for tomorrow.

Shania73 · member Joined: 30 Apr 2008 Posts: 62

Hey there,
Your child being as young as it is and your N being a cop, Id really be wary of dating. He will make your life more hell and it will impact your child too. Mine were 4 and 6 when we separated. I actually began dating a friend a month after the split, this friend new me some what years before we split. So when we began dating it was mainly during the time the kids were having visitation with their Dad. And we talked at night or he came by when they were in bed. I kept it away from them, well the kids saw him one day and told their Dad.

WHEWWWWWWWWW all hellllll broke loose, he got really nasty after that. It really made it worse, I dated him for almost 2 yrs without him coming around the kids, not until the divorce was finalized and everything. And we still were cautious. I just didnt want my kids exposed to it if I could help it. He began telling the kids lies, he went online messaging the guy saying "Oh so you think your gonna be Dad to my kids??" in public chat rooms. He started harrassing me at my job and got very nasty in the court process saying disgusting lies. Fortunately Ive got a man who finds my N "Amusing" and isnt really phased by him but he also doesnt engage with my N at all. My N also started phoning the weekends he had the kids, when I would be out on a date enjoying myself and leaving some horrible voice mail that would shatter my weekend and make me a wreck.

Its tough, seriously, I recommend avoiding dating or keeping it on the downlow for awhile.

And make sure you have a guy who can deal with it and you, Im with the same guy today, we are now engaged, and I dread even the wedding, once we do it or he finds out it will set him off, if the kids get advance notice he will sabotage things somehow, its how he is.

livedthroughit · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 987

While I am okay with being alone to raise my d, I'm not opposed to dating the right person.

Back when I was constantly in court with the N, I couldn't imagine a serious relationship. N scared one decent guy off and honestly I did not have the energy to give a relationship at that time.

I still can't help but to believe that if the right guy came along, that relationship would help-- both with raising a child and with dealing with the N. Not that I would expect that person to be involved with the N conflict in anyway, but the emotional support would be nice. I date occassionally but I am super picky now. I don't know that I will get serious with anyone until d is little older.

As a sidenote, for some reason I have become a cop-magnet. After visiting this forum for the past year, I just can't date a cop! I dated a guy a few times that was a recovered alcoholic. He was too possessive so I had to stop that train before it left the station. I don't know if I will ever be healthy enough to have a good relationship but I am encouraged by others here on the forum that have!