Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

livedthroughit · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 987

I had a great day today. But, I also had a had a bout of stupidity apparently. I decided to have d call ExN's mom and wish her a happy mother's day.

They spoke on the phone for less than two minutes. Then d says "she wants to talk to you mom." What does she want to say to me? She asked me if I would just "throw all the court stuff away and allow ExN to pick up d." I told her I couldn't do that. She tried to argue with me. She was rambling on about how much ExN loves d, what a good Christian man he is, blah, blah, blah. I am listening to the words but really not taking it in. She "threatened" me and reminded me that when d is 18, ExN can see her and there is "nothing I can do about it." I was thinking to myself, "it's okay, by age 18 d will definitely understand the difference between good touch and bad touch." I probably could have blown the whole thing off except she told me that "I told d that we all missed her and she said that daddy doesn't pick her up anymore. I told her that was because mommy won't let him." I brought up the subject of the phone call to d later and she said "Grandma said that you wouldn't let daddy see me but daddy probably just told her that." I am sorry that d was put in the middle, but proud of her maturity.

Lesson learned -dangit. No more mother's day calls, I guess. At Christmas time last year, I told her that she could come to my mother's house to see d, but ExN was not allowed in my mother's house or could not be present for the visit. A couple of days later, ExN emailed me and asked if he could come with her. Never heard from her to make arrangements for the visit. Today she told me that she wanted to come down at Christmas to see d, but ExN said if he couldn't see d, no one could. I have committed the major no-no of contact by proxy. Since I am harsh on others here on the forum for doing this, I am pretty upset with myself. The sad reality is that grandma apparently doesn't really want to have a real relationship with d or she would have reacted differently. ExN could see d if he would go to counseling and therapy and follow the court guildlines regarding his parenting time. If he really want to be a father, he would have done these things. It has been 12 months since his parenting time was suspended.

I know that I totally screwed up, because 1 hour after the phone call, ExN left a message for d that he was upset that she called grandma but not him. D won't take his phone calls because she finds them too upsetting. I shouldn't have put her on the phone with ExN's mom. In retrospect, it was not a good thing for d.

NancyCT · Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:30 am Post subject:

Lived, you didn't mess up. Your tried to do the right thing and I applaud you for it. We have no control over how these things turn out, how other people's reactions will be. You did what you did out of the kindness of your heart, assuming other people's hearts are as warm as your own. You took the high road, put yourself aside, put your daughter's welfare before your own, showed compassion for your daughter's grandmother. You have every reason to be proud of yourself. You show an amazing strength of character. And it sounds like your daughter, in her own way, sees that too.

Summer · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 923

(((((Lived))))),

The only thing you did wrong was act like a normal HUMAN being.

Honestly Lived, I would have done something like this too, to show my child that you can be decent and nice towards others.

You made a mistake-we all make mistakes.

It's okay, back to complete NC, we are all here for you. please don't contuniue to beat yourself up.

You are a wondeful Mother and you were showing d you are comapassionate.That's a good thing, you just did it with the wrong person.

I hope you don't dwell too much over this.Let us know you are alright and have "moved on".

Happy Mother's Day,
Summer

NancyCT · Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject:

Lived, I don't think you made a mistake at all. I think you did the right thing. It's the MIL that made the mistakes here, not you.

livedthroughit · member Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 987

Thanks ladies. I have two emotions about this. One is that I feel validated. I have questioned MIL's intentions for a long time. If she really wanted to continue relationship with D, she would not have reacted as she did. And, she would also come see D.

On the other hand, I am mad at myself, because I dragged D into the insanity. I'm hoping to learn from this and protect her better in the future. Of course, I understand I can't protect her from the N forever.

Summer · member Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 923

Lived,

You didn't drag d into anything.D saw you reach out in an act of kindness and then saw her Gandmother react like a phsyco.The apple there didn't fall far from the tree.(N and the MIL)

D is smarter than you think, and you are correct, you can not always protect her from these negative situations or negative people, or in this case alien..But you can teach her empathy and kindness which you did.

D is lucky to have a Mother as wonderful as you.Fortunately she will also emulate you. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job and making a mistake is a part of any human being's character.

Please don't beat yourself up any more.MIL is an idiot, lesson learned.Better to know now than to keep thinking there's a chance at any relationship between MIL and d later on, and getting your hopes squashed.
You are right, MIL would have put in the effort if she desired to have a relationship with her precious Granddaughter,MIL's loss,but apparently she is just another N with no empathy and she will always side with the N son.Yuck.

I can relate-I do not think I ever have forgiven or got over the fact that MIL never made any effort in her entire life to have a relationship with any of these three beautiful, kind, loving Grandchildren here.Boy did she lose out! And then she passed away,in 2004.MIL even had a chance then, in her last year, knowing she was diagnosed with cancer and dying, but no!and now it's never even a possibility on the horizen.What a waste!And the N here worshipped her, to her dying day.It gives me nightmares thinking about it.Mainly because of the hurt and pain I saw in my children and the fact she caused it.Grandmothers aren't supposed to do these things!How dare her!

You are probably still suffering the after affects of contact with an N,ie;blaming yourself, its like a poison that slips slowly out of your system.It takes a while to get back on track but hopefully you will be all better shortly.Stop taking the blame for being normal, and human.

Chin Up,
Summer

1ablueprincess · member Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 195

This thread struck a nerve.

I was in an 11 year marriage with N, and so far a 5 year divorce/custody/visitation/financial/etc. During the marriage N hated both his parents (though he bent over backwards to get attention from his alcoholic father who did not pay attention to N other than constantly throwing N money and bailing him out of trouble and other enabling behavior). N was openly hostile and horrible and rejecting of his mother. The mother and father went thru a 10 year court battle during their own divorce when N was a teenager, their fight was over money because the dad did not care about the boys and only about partying. Despite Ns whole family living in the same town, N sees brother only once or twice a year, father everytime N needs something, and mother he has gone 10 years at a time without contact only to see her suddenly and begin cursing at her and hating her.

Ns family knows how N is and that he is abusive (though they say they dont believe he ever was with the children) and a liar. They know he is this way because of their own personal experiences with N over the years. Also in the begining of the divorce N said he never abused me and for some reason they all believed it (except for the mother who had actually seen it and was a witness on more than one occassion).

I thought my s should maintain all contact with Ns family and that was one reason I did not move away. I also thought Ns family would all come around and want to protect the inocent child from the N father. My own family always told me "blood is thicker than water", but I thought s is their blood too and surely the young child would recieve the better protection and support. BOY WAS I WRONG!!

The brother (though he has admitted to me that he believes us), and the father (who has told me he would never turn against his own son) has adimately continued to support N. Neither will have any contact with me and help N to undermine me and with court and with hiding Ns finaces, etc.

The mother is just sick to her stomache over the whole thing. I took her out to breakfast on Mother's Day because I knew that neither of her sons would (even the brother has nothing to do with the mother).
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survivor