Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

petunia16 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 104

I first realized my Mother and Grandmother were both N's about 3 years ago. It was a hard pill to swallow.

I've had sporadic NC with my NGma and NM over the last 6 months or so as I've slowly tried to learn about dealing with N's. I thought for sure I was strong enough to deflect their digs... I truly thought I could re-program all their BS and beat them at their own game.

Well, I moved 3 weeks ago and it's gotten uglier than usual. Normally, Mother's day isn't a big deal... but since I'm not there, all of the family rushed to the side of my poor abandoned mother and grandmother's side... and while they were all there, they decided to all call me and remind me that I hadn't called and it was MOTHER'S DAY.

First, my cell phone rings... I didn't answer, I was watching a movie. So, they called my husband. He hands the phone to me...
"Petunia! This is your uncle! You did not call your mother, how could you do that! Here, talk to her!"

They proceed to pass the phone around... each taking a dig at me... like they f-ing own me or something.

Umm... wait. Our family gets together 3 times a year... they see me 2 or 3 times a year... and NOW it's this urgent THING that I'm not there??? What?

Oh, and wait... what about the $160 worth of flowers I sent them with thoughtful messages? Oh, that's right... whatever I do, it's not good enough.

Vent over... sorry...

Okay... so my husband is now urging me to go NC. He's watched me hit my head against the wall for 3 years... and now, seeing how they will even track HIM down to find me... he's sick of it (funny how it affects him now).

He is convinced a certified letter to each of my relatives will do the trick. A bullet pointed list of why I need to distance myself. "I can even write it and you can just sign it!" my DH says... isn't that sweet? Wink

Ummmm... that scares the sh** out of me. Can't I just disappear??

I really don't want to care what they think of me... I want to shut that off. I want to laugh every time they say something horrible to me or about me... I want to giggle when they ask me to do something. But short of that... I really shouldn't talk to them.

I cry when I think about not talking to my Mommy. I love her. But she is so negative and it's SO much worse now that I've abandoned her.

*sigh* Any suggestions?

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

You have not abandoned her....she told you to go, she had a life. In all honesty, right now I do not think you should do anything. What youre relatives did was horrible. I know your husband is wanting to protect you but I believe you need time to think. Its like everyone is pulling at you right now and its not fair to you. Take some time and just think....what do you want?

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 211

This is the kind of behavior, that no matter how, or what you do, will excell and progress, because they now can say that because your not there in their presence to kick around, they can emotionally play with you not being there. No matter what you do, or don't do, this is surely what they do. So, its a catch 22 or sorts. I have experienced it too, but maybe the relatives are N's too, or they feed her N supply. At any rate, you were given this ONE life, and this is not dress rehearsal. There is no answer, as to "What todo". You could write the letters, but don't JADE. And that is a form. An explanation of sorts as to WHY you feel the way you do, and why you are making choices. But to them??? Another opening to discredit, and pick apart your feelings. Its not a game, and is a game, with you never winning. You win when you finally choose, to be present in a life that you create, that feeds your spirit, and who you are a person. Sounds, like your husband, like mine, is a good, supportive, protective, loving soul, who would like to see this stop. Who would do anything if he could, to make them stop. But he cant. And that is hard, and frustrating for the ones who love us. They have to live with this constant strangle hold on our hearts, by people who claim to love us, who we love, but are not capable of anything good or positive, because they are N's. It won't change. The only one you can do anything about, is you. And might I just add, that you don't get a do-over card, so this is this, and now. You can try for years and years, and ask the same questions as I did for a long time, WHY??? I was hurt because I too, like you, loved my mom. Isn't that what we do, love our mom's. And forgive their inabilities? But......for me personally, I had to go NC and it was hard, but I lived through it, and it was a bit liberating too. It is a long and hard journey, but only YOU get to decide what thoughts, and feelings, you have, and not the other way around. Anything you need to do, to feel the feelings, and then sort them out, and discard what will NOT change with regards to that relationship. And stand your ground, not for them but for you. And them some day forgive the selfish, pitiful small person that the N is and move on to people like your husband, who cherish you for all the right reasons. WHen someone loves, and it is completely selfish, its hard to feel the real deal. And don't take love for granted. Just give it, and know that it will come back around, but not from the N's. You would not reason why an insane person does what they do, you just say, "Oh, their insane, they are not able to be anything else", well......so the N's.
Don't answer the phone, you not the only person in this forum, whose mother's day was shot by comments, and putdowns, read on.......But....that could be the last time, and you could take my approach, simply, she isn't worth being honored. Not like she is good mother. Mine is selfish and self absorbed, and anyone who wants her company is free to have her, on every holiday, so she can slowely such the life out of them, and they will. So.....NC, works, but opens up another can of worms, either way your sanity is whats important, so be selfish and heal.
Peace

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 718

Petunia,
You remind me of where I was a few months ago.. I knew NC was the best thing for me emotionally, for my sanity and my husbands but taking the leap to NC was so scarry for me.. What I started to do was to take baby steps. I called less and less and then gradually cut back on gifts and then only sent a card... finally gradually I took the step to NC and I'm at peace with my decison. Don't rush yourself.. take your time.. the process takes a little getting used to..I think you are half way there which means that you are tired of the way your NM and NGM make you feel.. you are right, nothing is good enough for an N.. us ACONS always get the blame for one thing or another.. it's the N's form of control.. You were very giving and loving to send such a thoughtful gift to them.. too bad they can't enjoy it.. Take care of yourself.. it's not right what they are putting you and your husband through emotionally.. Your husband loves you and his love can start to fill the place in your heart that desires love from your mother. Remember how special he thinks you are. When you feel like reaching out to the N's who aren't able to give or receive love turn to your husband who is able to give you the love and support you need. This will help in the detaching faze and will give you the strength when you feel weak.. My husbands support during the letting go process and the initial NC days helped me alot... Just a thought.. Hope I could be of help.

tcbga · Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 14

Having found this forum and being able to read about other people and their NM & NF that are very similiar to my NF I have for the first time in my life found peace. I'm not a prisoner of my NF anymore. Like your husband, my wife insisted I put my NF in his place for being inconsiderate of my feelings and that of my wife and children. But as I have learned from my own experience and from others here who have shared their own personal stories you will not get through to your NM or NF. They will only be (act) considerate if it benefits them. As I said in my personal story you cannot please them, you can only pacify them. They do not want you to be happy because misery loves company.

I wish you all the best.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Just a few comments, Lynn, I did the same, things gradually tapered off, I think going completely "cold-turkey" is harder for you and the NP, though some do it, particularly after a major incident, my last straw was related to my breakdown/depression after my 3rd child, my NM couldn't and wouldn't be supportive, she became less supportive all along, so it was easier in a way. Now, be assured, my NPs are blaming me for everything, I'm selfish, ungrateful, mentally unstable, etc.. I accept this, no letter, no explanation. Most of us know that no matter what is said, it will be twisted around or misunderstood by the Ns, if you write the letters, be prepared for it, you are writing them for you not them, they don't want to understand and never will understand. Lastly, having your husband is a great support, you either play the game the N way or get out of the way, I wish it were different. I've been NC for over a year, its very difficult, but I've grown because of it and I'm finally dealing with the family stuff from long ago. I wish you the best, it's always your decision!